Captain Samuel Brunt - A Voyage to Cacklogallinia

C >> Captain Samuel Brunt >> A Voyage to Cacklogallinia

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I answer'd, it was very true; but that such Fowls were otherwise
serviceable in the Government, had handsome Wives or Daughters, or could
procure such of their Acquaintance, or perhaps were elected into the
Grand Council of the Nation, and had a Vote to dispose of.

But, Sir, I will deal with you ingenuously, I can do you no Service
at all in this Affair; for the Minister has so many _Bable-Cypherians
(in _English_, Members of the Great Council)_ to oblige, and they
have so many _Valet de Chambres_, Butlers, and Footmen to provide
for in the Hospital, that it's more likely the Officers and Soldiers
now there will be turn'd out to make Place for them, than any other
will be admitted. If you have Interest to get a Number of these
_Bable-Cypherians_ to back your Petition, which you may get, if you
can bribe and cajole the Attendants of their _Squabbaws_, or their
own Valets, it's possible you may succeed in your Pretensions.

"I'll sooner, _said he_, starve, than be guilty of so great a
Condescension, or more properly, so mean an Action." This he said with
some Warmth, and I replied as coolly, it was in his own Option. "I find
then, _said the Colonel_, you won't serve me."

I have, _said I_, given you Reasons which prove this Way I cannot:
But if giving your Petition and Certificates to the Emperor will be
of use, I'll venture to do it for you.

"The Emperor, _replied he_, is a good Prince, but has little Interest
with the Minister; and to hope any thing, but thro' his Canal, is
altogether vain." Saying this, he took his Leave in a very courteous
manner. The Minister was inform'd, that I had entertain'd a long
Discourse with this Officer, and ask'd me the Subject of it. I told him
what he desired, but that I declined troubling his Excellency with such
Trifles.

"These Fowls, _said he_, who build on their own Merit, are extremely
impertinent. The Colonel now in Question is one of your Fowls who
might by his Principles have made a Fortune, had he lived Two or
Three Hundred Years ago; but they are now obsolete, and he starves
by tenaciously practising his musty Morals. Why, he'll have the
Impudence to be always speaking Truth; and tho' he has been thrust
out of the Palace for this Vice more than once, he is not to be
corrected. He will tell a Fowl of Quality without Ceremony, that
he's a Pimp, and was raised by the Hens of his Family: He'll make no
Bones of telling another, if his Prudence made him decline Danger,
that he's a Coward: A Third he'll impudently remind of his former
Livery, tho' his good Fortune has raised him to the Title of a
Grandee. Nay, he had the Face to tell me, upon my refusing to take
his Petition, That it was great Pity, when I was imprisoned for
Peculation, that the Justice of the Nation did not first purge, and
then hang me; that I was a publick Robber, and deserv'd the Gallows
more richly than a common Thief. His Poverty and Folly made me pity
and pardon him, if leaving him to be laugh'd at and starv'd, are to
be esteemed no Punishment. As I really pity'd the Fowl, I found
where he lodged, and supplied him with sufficient to keep him above
Want, tho' I would never trust him with the Knowledge of his
Benefactor, nor would ever after be seen to give him the least
Countenance."

The Character of the _Cacklogallinians_ in general.

The _Cacklogallinians_ were, in former Ages, a Wise and a Warlike
Nation, both fear'd and esteem'd by their Neighbours. Their Blood was
pure, without being mix'd with that of the _Owls_, _Magpies_, _Eagles_,
_Vulturs_, _Jays_, _Partridges_, _Herns_, _Hawks_, or any other Species;
the Scum of which Nation, by the Fertility of the Country, and the
want of Foresight in the _Cacklogallinians_, has been allured to, and
permitted to settle in _Cacklogallinia_, and by their Intermarriages has
caused the great Degeneracy those Families, which have kept their Blood
untainted, complain of.

The History of their Neighbours are standing Witnesses of the Worth of
their Ancestors, and shew the vast Difference between the ancient and
modern _Cacklogallinians_. The former, tho' tenacious of their Liberty,
were remarkable for their Loyalty; and each thought it his peculiar
Interest zealously to promote that of the Publick. But not to be prolix
in the Character of the old _Cacklogallinians_, I shall give it in few
Words. They were what the _English_ now are, Wise, Modest, Brave, Human,
Loyal, Publick-spirited, capable of governing their own, and conquering
other Kingdoms; Hospitable to Strangers: They encourag'd Merit, and
abominated Flattery. A Pimp in those Days wou'd have starv'd, and even
the Concubine of a Prince not been admitted among Hens of Virtue, tho'
to make the Fortune of a Husband. There was no Upstarts among the
Nobility, and if any were rais'd to Titles, it was by Force of a
conspicuous Merit, which gave a Lustre to the August Assembly in which
he was enroll'd. Justice was impartially administer'd, and the selling
of the People to a Prince or Minister, was a Villainy unknown. None
bribed the People to chuse 'em for their Representatives; Posts in the
Government were given to Fowls capable to serve it, without being
burthened with this or that Family, nor were their Revenues loaded with
Pensions to worthless and vicious Persons, and given for Services which
would be a Disgrace to publish. Trade flourish'd, Money was plenty, none
of their Neighbours durst encroach on their Commerce; their Taxes were
inconsiderable: In a Word, as I before said, they were what our happy
Nation now is, admired for the Prudence of their Administration at home,
and the Terror of their Arms abroad. They are now directly the Reverse
of what they were, and even in my Time, they were sinking in the Opinion
of their Neighbours, who began to consider them as a declining Nation,
which Alteration, I must own (for I love to speak the Truth) was not a
little owing to the Administration of my Friend, the first Minister, who
in taking upon him to manage the Interests of Nations, went out of his
Depth, for Affairs of that Nature seemed to be above his Capacity. His
Education, his Study, his Practice, were rather mercantile, than
otherwise, and all that Knowledge which his Partizans boast so much in
him, was confined to the Business of the Taxes, a Road in which he was
(as it were) grown old, and to Money-Projects, which was owing to a
strict Correspondence he always kept with certain projecting and
mercantile People, and being used to carry all Points at home by Gold,
he knew no other way of doing Business abroad; so that when their
Neighbours used to differ among themselves, about some Points of
Interest, and one Side or other stood in Need of the Assistance of the
_Cacklogallinians_, they sometimes push'd themselves into the Quarrel,
and perhaps paid great Sums of Money for the Favour of sending Armies to
the Succour of one Side or other, so that they became the Tools which
other Nations work'd with. They are naturally prone to Rebellion, have
let the _Cormorants_ chouse them out of several valuable Branches of
their Commerce; and yet the _Cormorants_ are People with whom they have
kept the most lasting Friendship of all their Neighbours. They love War,
and rather than not fight, they will give Money to be let into the
Quarrel (as has been hinted before) they know beforehand, however
victorious they may prove, nothing but Blows will fall to their Share.
If they are under a mild Government, and grow rich, they are always
finding Fault with their Superiors, and ever ready to revolt: But if
they are oppress'd and kept poor, like our Spaniels, they fawn on their
Masters, and seem in Love with Tyranny; which should any dare to speak
against, he is esteem'd an Enemy to the Happiness of his Country. They
are very proud, yet very mean in some Particulars, and will, for their
Interest, sacrifice the Honour of their Families. They look upon nothing
infamous but Poverty, for which Reason, the most scandalous Methods of
procuring Riches, such as Lying, Robbing the Publick, Cheating Orphans,
Pimping, Perjury, _& c._ are not look'd upon with evil Eyes, provided
they prove successful. This Maxim holds with 'em, both in publick and
private Affairs. I knew One rais'd from a Fowl of Three Foot Six Inches,
to be a _Makeseulsibi_, a Post which rais'd him to Eight Foot Six, and
is one of the greatest in the Kingdom. He is to instruct the Grandees,
when in Council, in Points of Law, and is Guardian to all Orphans.
Complaint was made to the Emperor, that he converted their Estates to
his own Use, and left them all to starve; he was therefore, by the
Emperor's Consent, and to satisfy the People, brought to a Tryal. He
answer'd, That he did not deny the Charge; but that he wanted the Money
to make a Figure equal to his Post: However, the Enquiry discover'd
his vast Acqusitions, and prov'd him to be so rich, that he was look'd
upon with Respect, and he lived and died in as much Grandeur, and
Tranquillity, as if he had been a Patriot, and at his Funeral, his great
Service to his Country was blazon'd out in Figures and Hieroglyphicks by
the Heralds; which being a thing I seem'd amaz'd at, and enquiring of
many, how it came to pass, that a Fowl should be treated with Honour,
who had been esteem'd an Oppressor? the common Answer was, he died rich,
and that was enough for all Honours.

The Religion of the _Cacklogallinians_.

This Nation pretends to believe a first Being, and to worship one God,
tho' I confess, when I was first amongst them, I thought otherwise; for
I Found the People of the best Rank amongst them always ridiculing
Religion. They had formerly a Globe of pure Gold in their Temples, an
Emblem of Eternity: It was inscribed with unintelligible Characters, by
which they figured the Inscrurability of his Decrees. This some call'd
superstitious, and were for having razed, and the Ball, which was, in
their Opinion, too big, new melted, and cast into a different Form. Some
were for a Square, to give an Emblem, of Justice; others would have it,
an Octogon, by which they would shadow his Ubiquity. Another Party
insisted upon its being cast again, but in no regular Form; for all
Forms and Regularity they look'd upon superstitious. Their Disputes on
this Subject ran so high, that they came to Blows, and each Party, as it
was victorious, modelled the Globe to his own Humour or Caprice. But the
Ball being so often melted, and Part of the Gold being lost in each
Fusion, it was at last almost imperceivable. These Bickerings shed a
great deal of Blood, and being at length tired with worrying each other
upon this Account, a new Globe was cast, but not exactly round, to
satisfy tender Consciences. In process of Time, it was thought that a
brazen Globe might do as well as one of Gold, and new Disputes beginning
to arise, it was decreed, that this Globe should stand in the Temple,
but that every one in particular should have at home an Idol after his
own Fashion provided they wou'd only bow to this, and the Revenues were
continued to the Priests to furnish Sacrifices. The Heads of the Priests
at last thinking these Sacrifices altogether needless, and a very great
Expence, dropp'd 'em by Degrees: However, some say this was done by some
of the Grandees, as a Means to make the Priests less respected, and put
the Money in their own Coffers, which has made them both rich and
insolent. They were formerly a cunning Set, but they are not look'd upon
as such now, for they take but little Care, either to cultivate the
Interest, or support the Credit and Dignity of their Order; and as some
of them are given to Luxury, which they have not taken due Care to
conceal, the common Sort do not entertain the same Respect for them they
did in former Times.

However, the poor Clergy (for they are not all rich, Affairs of Religion
being modell'd after those of the State, the Great devouring the Small)
lead moral Lives, and there is a Sect amongst them which keeps up the
golden Ball, continues the Sacrifices, and detests Perjury; but these
are obliged to perform their Ceremonies by Stealth, and are prosecuted
as an obstinate ill-designing People.

The Grandees have no Statues in their Houses; they own indeed a Deity,
some of them at least, but don't think the worshipping that Deity of any
Consequence. The meaner People began to be as polite as the Courtiers,
and to have as little Religion, before I left _Cacklogallinia_. This
Irreligion I can attribute to nothing so much as the Contempt of the
Clergy, whom some of the Nobility, especially of the Court, have
endeavour'd to render hateful and ridiculous to the People, by
representing them as a lazy, useless, Order of Birds, no better than
the Drones. They also chufe out now and then, some to place at their
Head, who had distinguish'd themselves for their Infidelity, and had
declared themselves Enemies to the Religion of the Country, by which
means the whole Order lost their Sway with the People; besides which,
the richer Sort amongst them were generally reputed to be much addicted
to Gluttony.

Of the Policy and Government of the _Cacklogallinians_.

The _Cacklogallinians_ boast mightily of their being the only Nation in
the World which enjoys Liberty, and therefore, upon all Occasions, they
talk of, and treat the rest of the World as Slaves. They pretend to
maintain, that their Monarchy being elective, their Emperors are no more
than their Servants, and that they can exercise no longer a Power, than
they are pleas'd to give it them, which is just as much as will serve to
put the Laws in Execution, and keep the great Machine of Government in
good Order; and that whenever he attempts to transgress those Bounds,
they make no Ceremony of turning him out, and setting up another in his
Room. But, by what I could judge by my own proper Observation, this
appeared to me, to be no more than an empty Boast (for indeed the
_Cacklogallinians_ are apt to run into an Extravagance of Vanity,
whenever they speak of themselves) for in my Time my Friend and Patron
the first Minister acted as absolutely, and dependently of all Creatures
(except of the _Squabbaws_) as the most arbitrary Prince, who
acknowledges no Law but his own Will and Pleasure.

It is, true there is a Council consisting of a great Number of Persons,
in whose Name all great Affairs relating to the Civil Government are
transacted, the Members of which Council are call'd _Bable-Cypherians_;
but it is no Secret, that the first Minister causes whom he pleases to
sit in this Council, as well as turns out any Person he dislikes; and
while I was amongst them, there happen'd some Instances of what I
maintain; and he contrived to have several whom he suspected of being
Enemies to his Family, or to his Administration, to be disgraced from
the said Council, and others appointed in their Places: Nay, I have
often seen several worthless Birds paying their Court to the first
Minister, and solliciting him to be admitted into the Great Council,
in the same manner that they begg'd for an Employment; yet at the same
time, if you were to talk to a _Cacklogallinian_, he wou'd pretend to
persuade you, that no Fowl of any Rank or Quality whatsoever can ever
sit in the said Council, but by the Majority of free Voices of Persons
who are his Equals. But as I oserv'd before, they are so possess'd with
a Spirit of boasting, that when they talk of themselves, there is no
Regard to be had to any thing they say.

What is most remarkable is, that Hens as well as Cocks frequently stand
Candidates to be Members of the said Council, and especially those who
are distinguish'd by the Name of _Squabbaws_; and tho' the important
Affairs of managing their Amours takes up so much of their Time, that
they have but little Leisure to attend such publick Affairs, yet they
very much influence what passes there, especially the Court _Squabbaws_,
whom I have frequently seen to receive Presents from Persons who had
Matters to lay before the said Council. When this happened, it was their
Custom to send for my Friend the first Minister, and instruct him how
they would have the thing done; upon which Occasions they designedly
absented themselves from the said Council, that by their not appearing
to favour or oppose such things, the Bribery might not be suspected; and
it generally pass'd as well without them, for my good Patron who carried
it so loftily to the rest of the World, was nevertheless extreamly their
Slave.

As to their Laws, which they pretend to be the best and wisest of any
in the World, they are, in Effect, a Source of continual Plague and
Vexation to the Subject, which is owing to many Causes, but principally
to this, that when a new Law is agreed to pass, the great Council
generally appoint such amongst them as are Lawyers by Profession, to
word it, or (as we say) to draw it up, who always, in Order to promote
the Business of their own Profession, contrive it in ambiguous Terms; so
that there is a double Meaning runs thro' every Sentence. This furnishes
eternal Matter of Dispute betwixt Party and Party, and at the same time
gives the _Caja_ (for so they call a Judge) a Power of putting what
Construction he pleases upon the Law. I have my self been frequently
present, when the _Caja_ has been sitting to hear and determine Causes,
and have observ'd, that when the _Cacklogallinian_ Advocates have been
setting forth the Merit of their Cause, and one of them has produced a
Precedent, to shew, that such a _Caja_ in former Times, put such a
Construction upon such a Law, yet the _Caja_ then presiding has
determined the thing quite otherwise, giving for a Reason, _That
might be his Opinion, but this is ours._

Upon the whole, the Property of private Birds, which they would make you
believe was much safer amongst them, than under any other Government in
the World, appeared to me to stand upon a very precarious Foot, since it
was always at the Mercy of the Law, and the most cunning and sagacious
amongst them could never pretend to be sure what Law was: Nay, it was
often found by Experience, that what was Law one Day amongst them, was
not so another; so that I could not help thinking, that whenever Party
and Party differr'd concerning Matters of Property, the least expensive,
and most prudent Method would have been, to have referr'd the Decision
of the Cause to some Game of Hazard.

This Ambiguity of the Law makes a corrupt _Caja_ a terrible Plague to
the Subject; and it is a Plague which they have often felt, as I found,
by consulting their Annals; for frequently, under bad Ministers, Birds
have been chosen out for _Caja_'s, not for their Integrity or Knowledge,
but for their Obsequiousness to the Commands of those who chose them;
and my Patron, the first Minister, was censured for endeavouring to
corrupt, and making them as bad as he could. By which Means, and by
retaining Spies in the Houses of all Fowl of great Interest and Figure
in their Country, it was reported he awed them from attempting any
Measures against his Interest, or that of his Family, and that he had
threaten'd several with Confiscation and Banishment, when he found them
attempting to introduce better Schemes than his own, because such
Proceedings might tend to overthrow him.

But this I speak from common Report; for I cannot give any Instances of
Corruption in any of the _Caja_'s from my own personal Knowledge; for I
conceived so dreadful a Notion of their Laws, that I endeavoured to
avoid all Converse with any who belong'd to it.

How often have I reflected on the Happiness of my dear Country, in that
Liberty there enjoy'd, where none are oppress'd by Force, or allured by
Bribes, to give up their native Freedom; where a self-interested and
designing Minister is sure to answer for his Administration to a
Parliament freely chosen, consisting of Gentlemen of publick Spirits,
Honour, known Probity and Wisdom; whose Fortunes put them above a
servile Dependence; who have an Eye to nothing but the publick Good, and
exact from the Ministers a just Account of the _Publick Treasure_! When
I have seen the Fowl of Honour thrust out to make Place for a Sycophant,
Court paid to Pandars and lewd Hens, and no Posts disposed of, but thro'
the Interest of Lust; how often, _Britain_, have I congratulated thy
Happiness, where Virtue is rewarded, Vice discountenanc'd and punish'd;
where the Man of Merit is provided for, and not oblig'd to pay a
Levee to the kept Mistress of a Statesman; and where the Ignorant,
Pusillanimous, and Vicious, however distinguish'd by Birth and Fortune,
are held in Contempt, and never admitted to publick Employment!

When among the _Cacklogallinians_ Taxes are laid, the Money is brought
into the publick Treasury, of which the Minister keeps the Keys: He lets
this Money out upon Pawns, at an exorbitant Interest. If an inferior
Agent is to pass his Accounts, he must share the Pillage with the
Minister, and some few Heads of the Grand Council. I knew one paid him
Three Hundred Thousand _Rackfantassines_, equal to a Hundred Thousand
Pounds Sterling, which he computed was about one Third of his
Acquisition; and Birds of most abandon'd Reputations are sometimes put
into Places of Profit, which, like Spunges, suck all they can, and are
easily squeezed again.

As to their Trade, they have, of late Years, lost some of the most
advantageous Parts of it to the _Cormorants_, which perhaps might be
brought about by several that were _Cormorants_ by Birth, who found
Means of working themselves into the Management of their publick
Affairs. They seem to endeavour all they can, (for what Policy I know
not) to encourage the young _Cacklogallinian_ Nobility and Gentry, in
a Contempt of Religion, and in all Debauchery, perhaps to render them
supine and thoughtless; and bringing them up without Principle, they may
be fit Tools to work the enslaving their Country.

They are extremely severe in their military Discipline: A Soldier, for a
trifling Fault, shall have all the Feathers stripp'd off his Back, and a
corroding Plaister clapp'd on, which will eat to the Bones in a small
Space of Time. For a capital Crime, every one in the Regiment is ordered
to peck him as he's ty'd to a Post, till he dies. I have seen one who
was condemn'd to this Death have Part of his Entrails torn out of his
Side in a few Pecks.

Whoever speaks against the Ministry, is purged or vomited so severely,
that he sometimes dies. Even Want of Complaisance to any menial Servant
of a Minister, is esteem'd an Affront to his Master, and punish'd by a
Year's Imprisonment; but a Slight put on any of the _Squabbaws_, is so
heinous, that the Offender is punish'd, as for the highest Scandal.
Sometimes it has happened, that Persons Question'd and Convicted for
Fraud, Bribery, or other Crimes, by some Turn of Fortune having better'd
their Circumstances, have afterwards been raised to Posts of Honour and
Trust, and afterwards growing more wealthy, have been look'd upon with
the same Esteem as the most worthy. I've known a Sharper, who could
neither write nor read, made a _Battano_, in _English_, a Judge
Advocate; and what rais'd him was his Dexterity at _Gestaro_, which
is like the Play our School-boys divert themselves with, call'd
_Hussle-cap_.

Tho' they have a Standing Army, yet the _Cacklogallinians_ are all
inlisted, and obliged to serve (in case of an Invasion) without Pay.
They have no fortify'd Places, they being look'd upon as a Refuge for
Malecontents, except only the imperial Palace. The Reader may wonder how
any Place can be fortified against those who can fly over the highest
Walls; I must therefore inform him, that their strong Holds have all the
open Places cover'd with Canvass stretch'd from Side to Side; upon which
is strew'd an Herb so venemous, that, in six Hours after it has been
expos'd to the Sun, it emits so pestiferous a Stench, that no Fowl can
approach it by many Yards, but what will fall dead; and this Stench, by
the Effluvia mounting, is no way offensive to those below. This is the
Reason their Sieges are rather Blockades, and no fortify'd Town was ever
taken but by starving. For tho' I have said, the _Cacklogallinians_ have
no such, yet their Neighbours have this Canvass, and Plenty of the Herb
in and about most of their Towns, and can, in Twenty four Hours, put
them in a Posture of Defence.

Upon the Decease of any Party, his Estate goes to the eldest of his
Children, whether Male or Female; for the others, the Cocks are put into
the Army, or to Trades; the Hens are married to the next Relations, who
are obliged to take them, or allow them a Pension for Life, according to
their Quality. Polygamy is forbid, tho' universally practised among the
better Sort. There were publick Colleges erected for the Education and
Provision of poor Chickens; but as there is a strong Party, which takes
them to be of ill Consequence; they are discountenanc'd so much, that it
is thought they must fall some time or other.

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