Dornford Yates - Berry And Co.

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_Yours very sincerely,_

....

_P.S.--He shall always sleep on mine._

As I was addressing the envelope, the butler entered the hall. I gave
him the letter, and he promised to see that it was dispatched that day.
A knowledge of Bertram's household suggested this precaution.

* * * * *

As I had told Miss Childe, on the following day I returned to Town. It
was the last Monday but one before Christmas, and Jonah's birthday. To
do the latter honour, we were to dine all together at Claridge's and go
on to an entertainment, presented in a house in which smoking was
permitted, and of such a nature that you gained rather than lost by
arriving late.

I reached home with sufficient time only to bathe and dress, and it was
not until we were half-way through dinner that I learned that my letter
to Miss Childe had borne immediate fruit.

"By the way," said Daphne suddenly; "did the servants give you that
message from Josephine Childe?" I shook my head. "It was down on the
telephone block, but I suppose you were too hurried to look at that.
'Miss Childe's compliments, and Nobby will be round this evening.'"
Hardly I suppressed an exclamation. "We're all mad to know what it
means. Berry scents an intrigue and says it's a cipher."

"Worse," said I. "It's a dog."

"A dog?" cried Daphne and Jill together.

"A dog. You know. A small quadruped. Something like a cat, only with
hair."

"I know," said Berry excitedly. "I know. I've seen pictures of them."

"Fools. Both of you," said my sister. "What's she giving you a dog for?"

I explained the nature of the transaction.

"I have every reason to believe," I concluded, "that he will become one
of us."

The others exchanged meaning looks.

"Is he any particular breed?" said Berry. "Or just a pot-pourri?"

I braced myself with a draught of champagne before replying. Then--

"He's a Sealyham," I said.

Uprose a damnatory chorus.

"I do hereby protest," said Berry. "A barbarous breed, notorious for its
unprovoked ferocity. Peaceable possession of our tenement will be
unknown. Ingress and egress will be denied us. Substantial compensation
will be an everyday affair. Any more for the Pasteur Institute?"

"Rot," said I. "You're jealous."

"They've awfully uncertain tempers," said Daphne. "Maisie Dukedom had
one, and it went down and bit a new cook, who'd just come, before she'd
got her things off. They had to give her five pounds, put her up at an
hotel for the night, and pay her fare back to Bristol. And she had
wonderful references."

"Instinct," said I. "The dog saw through her. They ought to have been
grateful."

"Truth is," said Jonah, "they're a bit too sporting for London."

"Look here," said I, consulting my watch. "At the present moment the
poor little dog is probably fretting his soul out in the servants' hall.
So we'll have to keep him to-night. If he's the ravening beast you say
he is, he shall be fired to-morrow. If not, I shall stick to him. That's
fair enough, isn't it?"

"He's going to be a darling," said Jill. "I'm sure of it."

Before we left for the theatre, I telephoned home and spoke to the
butler.

"Is that you, Falcon?"

"It is, sir."

"Any dogs come for me?"

"Only one, sir."

"Is he all right?"

"Seems a little unsettled, sir, and--er--suspicious. He was rather short
with Fitch sir, when he come in, but he had his leggin's on, sir, so
there's no 'arm done. He's all right with me, sir."

I thought of the Dukedoms' cook and moistened my lips.

"See that he has a run on the lead before you go to bed," I said as
nonchalantly as possible, "and then put him upstairs on my bed."

"Very good, sir."

I returned to the lounge.

"Has the little bit of Heaven arrived?" said Berry

I nodded.

"Casualties?"

"Nil," said I. "Everything in the garden is lovely."

"No doubt," said Berry. "And the servants' hall? I suppose that's a
shambles."

"Don't be silly," said I. "He's as good as gold."

"There you are," said Jill staunchly.

"Cupboard love," said Berry. "You wait till we come in. I shouldn't be
surprised if he concentrated on me. They always aim high. It will be
your duty," he added, turning to Daphne, "to suck the wound. That is a
wife's privilege."

"The best thing," said Jonah, "is to hold a cigarette-end to the place."

"I beg your pardon," said Berry.

"Well, an iron takes such a time to heat."

In a voice shaken with emotion my brother-in-law stated that he should
regard any such treatment as a treacherous and aggravated assault upon
his person.

"Don't let there be any mistake about it," he concluded. "I'm not going
to have any amateur life-savers burning holes in my body in the hope of
being recommended by the Coroner's Jury. If I've got to die, I'll just
go mad in the ordinary way, thank you. I wonder who I shall bite first,"
he added pleasantly.

"Don't you worry," said I. "Think what hydrophobia means."

"What does it mean?"--suspiciously.

"A horror of water," said I. "You must have had it for years."

* * * * *

We left the theatre about eleven o'clock.

We had just come in, and I was disrobing in the hall--Berry was speaking
to the chauffeur--when an exclamation from Jill, who was on the point of
following Daphne and Jonah into the library, made me look round.

On the top step of the first flight of stairs stood a little white dog,
regarding us squarely. He might have been painted by Maud Earl. His ears
were pricked, his little forefeet placed close together, his tail was
upright. A gas officer would have said that he was "in the alert
position."

"Hello, Nobby," said I. "How goes it?"

At the sound of his name the terrier put his small head on one side with
an air of curiosity as evident as it was attractive.

"What a darling!" cried Jill.

As she spoke I heard a latch-key inserted, and the next moment Berry
pushed open the door.

Breathing out threatenings, the darling streaked down the stairs and
across the hall to the new-comer's feet, where he stood with his back
arched, one fore-paw raised, and bared teeth, emitting a long low snarl,
while there was a look in the bright brown eyes which there was no
mistaking.

My brother-in-law stood as if rooted to the spot.

Jill began to shake with laughter.

"What did I say?" said Berry, remaining motionless. "Can't enter my own
house now. It's all right, old chap," he added, gazing at Nobby with a
winning smile. "I belong here."

His statement was not accepted. Nobby, who was clearly taking no risks,
replied with a growl charged with such malevolence that I thought it
advisable to interfere.

I addressed myself to the terrier.

"Good man," I said reassuringly, patting Berry upon the shoulder.

Jonah contends that the dog construed my movement as an attempted
assault, which it was his duty to abet. In any event, in less time than
it takes to record, the growl culminated in that vicious flurry which
invariably accompanies the closing of jaws, there was a noise of torn
cloth, and with a yell Berry leapt for and reached the bookcase to which
he adhered, clinging rather than perched, after the manner of a startled
ape.

A roar of laughter from me and long, tremulous wails of merriment from
Jill brought my sister and Jonah pellmell upon a never-to-be-forgotten
scene.

The four of us huddled together, helpless with mirth, while Berry,
calling upon Sirius, clung desperately to the bookcase, and Nobby,
clearly interpreting our merriment as applause, stood immediately below
his victim, panting a little with excitement and wagging his tail
tentatively.

"After all," said my brother-in-law, "what is Death? A b-b-bagatelle.
Excelsior. Of course, I ought to have a banner, really. Just to wave as
I fall. Two and a half guineas these trousers cost. Think of the dogs
you could get for that. Excelsior. Seriously, I should get him a set of
false teeth and keep them locked up. It'll save in the end. Yes, I know
it's side-splitting. I'm only sorry I haven't got a tail. Then I could
hang from the electric light. As it is, what about calling off the dog?
Not that I'm not comfortable. And the air up here's lovely. But----"

With an effort I pulled myself together and laid a hand on Jill's
shoulder.

"Here," I said, nodding in Berry's direction, "here we have the
Flat-footed Baboon, an animal of diverting but vulgar habits. That
between its eyes is its nose. The only other known specimen is at
Dartmoor."

"D'you mind not talking?" said Berry. "I'm just thinking out your death.
They say pressing is very painful. Or would you rather call off the
mammal?"

I picked up Nobby and put him under my arm.

"You know, you're a wicked dog," said I.

For a moment his bright brown eyes met mine. Then with a sudden movement
he put up a cold black nose and licked my face....

Before we retired that night, Berry had admitted that Nobby had his
points, Nobby had accepted from Berry a caviare sandwich, and I had
handed my brother-in-law a cheque for two pounds twelve shillings and
sixpence.

* * * * *

It had been arranged that we should spend Christmas with the St. Martins
in Wiltshire, and we were to make the journey on the twenty-third. High
festival was to be held at Red Abbey, a fine old place with mullioned
windows and a great panelled hall that smacked of revelry and Christmas
cheer even in summertime. On Christmas Eve there was to be a dance, on
Boxing Day a tenants' ball, and on Christmas Day itself the house-party
of twenty souls was to assemble for dinner correctly attired after the
manner of children of tender years.

So far as clothes could do it, the spirit of childhood was to be
recaptured that night. Guests had been put upon their honour to eschew
evasion. Kilts and sailor suits had been forbidden, as was any suit or
frock which was not the monopoly of juveniles. Hair was to be worn down,
monocles and jewellery were banned. The trappings of Dignity were to be
rigidly put off, and Innocence courted with appropriate mockery. The
composition of the house-party, which had been carefully chosen,
promised an entertainment of more than ordinary interest.

On all three evenings dance music was to be discoursed by a famous
coloured band, whose services had long ago been retained for the
occasion.

A long-standing engagement made it impossible for Berry to accompany us
from London. On Tuesday he must leave Town for Hampshire, but
time-tables were consulted, and it was discovered that he could travel
across country on Christmas Eve, and, by changing from one station to
the other at the market town of Flail, arrive at Red Abbey in time for
tea.

"We can take your luggage with us," said Daphne. "You've got all you'll
want for the night at White Ladies."

It was half-past nine o'clock, and we were all in the library, resting
after the labours of the day.

Berry from the depths of the sofa grunted an assent.

"All the same," he added, "I must take something. Beard-eraser, for
instance, and a clean neckerchief. Same as when you enlist."

"Everything you can possibly want's there already. Mrs. Foreland knows
you're coming, and she'll put everything out."

"I have a weakness," replied her husband, "for my own sponge. Moreover,
foolhardy as it may seem, I still clean my teeth. The only question is,
what to put them in."

"What's the matter with your pockets?" said I.

"Nothing at present," said Berry. "That's why I shall want your
dispatch-case."

"Nothing doing," said I. "I refuse to subscribe to my own
inconvenience."

"Self," said Berry bitterly. "Why wasn't I born selfish? I've often
tried, but you can't bend an oak, can you? Anybody can have my shirt at
any time." Languidly he regarded his cuff. "No. Not this one, but almost
any other. My life has been one long unrecognized sacrifice. And what is
my reward?" He looked round about him with pitying eyes. "Poor bloated
worms, you little know the angel that labours in your midst." His own
being finished, with a sigh he took his wife's newly-lighted cigarette
from the ashtray which they were sharing. "I had a dream last night," he
added comfortably.

"What about?" said Jill.

"I dreamed," said Berry, "that I was a pint of of unusually broad beans.
Several people remarked upon my breadth. After spirited bidding, I was
secured by no less a personage than The McAroon himself, to whom I gave
violent indigestion within twenty-four hours. Pleased with this
attention, the laird erected in my memory a small bar at which the
rankest poison could be obtained at all hours by asking in Hebrew for
ginger ale. Which reminds me. I haven't taken my medicine." Meaningly he
regarded the tray which had just been placed upon a side-table. "The
doctor said I mustn't move about after meals, or I'd mix it myself. As
it is...."

He broke off and looked round expectantly.

"Idle brute," said Daphne. "I wonder you aren't afraid to----Where's my
cigarette? I only lighted one a moment ago."

"Perhaps it's behind your ear," suggested her husband. "Perhaps----"

"Where's the match you lighted that one from?" demanded his wife.

"Woman," said Berry indignantly, "you forget yourself. Besides, I didn't
use a match. I kindled it by rubbing two sticks together. Same as they
do in Guano, where the jelly comes from."

Here a diversion was caused by the opening of the door sufficiently to
admit a slightly damp white ball with a black spot, which projected
itself into the room as if possessed. Nobby. Exhilarated to frenzy by
the reflection that at least four days must elapse before any one could
be bothered to bathe him again, the terrier took a flying leap on to the
sofa, licked Daphne's face, put a foot in Berry's eye, barked, hurled
himself across the room to where Jonah was playing Patience, upset the
card-table, dashed three times round the room, pretended to unearth a
rat from the depths of Jill's chair, and finally flung himself exhausted
at my feet.

"I suppose this is what they call 'animal spirits,'" said Berry. "Or
'muscular Christianity.'"

"It is well known," said I, "that exercise after a bath is most
beneficial."

"No doubt," was the icy reply. "Well, next time I put my foot in your
eye, assume that I've had a bath and call it 'exercise,' will you?"

"Have you written to the St. Martins?" said Daphne, "to say that you'll
be a day late?"

"I have. The masterpiece is on the writing-table, awaiting insertion in
an envelope."

I picked up the letter and read aloud as follows--

_MADAM,_

_I am disposed to refer to your invitation to make one of the
house-party due to assemble on the 23rd instant._

_I am to say that a malignant Fate has decreed that I shall not dignify
your hovel before the evening of the following day._

_The feeling of profound disappointment which this announcement will
provoke should be tempered by the reflection that you are fortunate
indeed to have secured so enchanting a personality for your festivities,
which, however hopeless they may appear, cannot fail to be galvanized
into some show of life by my inspiring presence._

_My luggage and the four ungrateful parasites who have so long battened
upon my generosity will arrive on the 23rd, as arranged. One of the
latter has stealthily acquired a mongrel, which, provided he can obtain
the necessary permit, he proposes to bring with him. My protests against
this abuse of hospitality have been received with that vulgar insolence
which I have, alas, learned to expect._

_I am to request you to remember that I am visiting you incognito, as
the Duke of Blackpool, and that at this season it is my practice to
consume a mince-pie and a bottle of beer before retiring._

_I am, Madam,_

_Your obedient Servant,_

_BERRY PLEYDELL._

"Outrageous," said Daphne, "perfectly outrageous. However, there's no
time to write another, so it had better go. Boy, be a dear and answer
that invitation for me."

"This lecture thing?" said I, holding up a gilt-edged card.

My sister nodded.

"We'll have to go, I suppose."

In a flowing hand I wrote as follows--

_Major and Mrs. Pleydell have much pleasure in accepting the Countess of
Loganberry's kind invitation to attend Professor La Trobe's lecture on
the 3rd of January._

When I had read this aloud--

"What an interesting subject!" said Berry. "We shall enjoy ourselves."

* * * * *

Three days later I was in the act of fitting a new blade to my
safety-razor, when Berry entered the room fully dressed.

"I'm just off," he said, "but you may as well see what you've done
before I go."

"What d'you mean?" said I.

"Read that."

He handed me a letter. I laid down my instrument of torture and read as
follows--

_SIR,_

_I am directed by the Countess of Loganberry to acknowledge your
communication of the 20th inst., and to say that she cannot recollect
the inclusion of your name among those of the guests invited to assemble
at Pride Langley the day after to-morrow._

_In these circumstances I am to express the hope that you will not
trouble to favour her with your attendance upon the 24th inst. or any
other date, and that you will take immediate steps to prevent the
dispatch of your luggage and of the four parasites, for which, should
they arrive, she can accept no responsibility._

_I am to add that the Countess is not interested in the acquisition of
the animal to which you refer, or in the nature of the victuals with
which it is your habit to console yourself of nights._

_I am, sir,_

_Your obedient servant,_

_FREDERICK BOLETON._

I stroked my chin thoughtfully. Then--

"I don't want to say anything rash," said I, "but it looks as if a
mistake had been made."

"But what a brain!" observed my brother-in-law. "What insight!" He
glanced at his watch. "And it's not half-past nine yet."

"It is wonderful, isn't it? Now, all we want is a line from Diana St.
Martin to say how glad she is you're going to the lecture on January the
3rd. Do you agree, brother?"

"I am not here," said Berry loftily, "to discuss your crime. Have you
anything to say why the Court should not give you judgment?"

"Yes. First, this communication must be answered forthwith. Secondly,
Mr. Boleton is clearly a menace to Society. It is therefore our painful
duty, brother, to proceed with the operation, inadvertently begun, of
pulling his leg until he will require a pair of field glasses to see his
own foot."

With a grin Berry clapped me on the back.

"I leave it to you, partner. Make the telegram windy. Wind always
inspires wind." He took the letter out of my hand and slipped it into
his pocket. "You won't want this document. And now I must be going. See
you to-morrow, laddie."

The next moment he was gone.

Within the hour the following telegram was on its way to Pride Langley--

_Your letter not understood aaa cannot consent to cancel my arrangements
at this hour aaa expect me tomorrow as arranged aaa four tons of luggage
entrained last night aaa loose-boxes containing parasites due to arrive
at 5.15 to-day aaa imperative these should be watered and fed within one
hour of arrival aaa acknowledge._

* * * * *

Although the train had yet to make its appearance, the platform was
crowded. Somewhere at the far end Jonah was waiting to see that our
heavy baggage was placed in the van, while Daphne, Jill and I were
standing beside such articles as we were proposing to take in the
carriage, hoping feverishly that, when the train pulled in, we should
find ourselves opposite to a first-class coach.

"Thath a nithe dog," said an unpleasant voice on my left.

I turned to see a very dark gentleman, clad in a light tweed overcoat
and cloth-topped boots, with a soft grey hat on the back of his head,
smoking an insanitary cigar and smiling unctuously upon Nobby, who was
tucked under my arm.

"Yes," I said.

"A Thealyham, ain't he?"

"I believe so."

Undeterred by my evident reluctance to converse, the fellow bowed his
head as if to examine the dog, at the same time expelling a cloud of
disgusting smoke.

In the twinkling of an eye the terrier had sneezed, wriggled from under
my arm, and slipped to the ground.

I was just in time to see him scuttle in the direction of a crate of
live turkeys which he had vainly struggled to approach when we passed
them a few minutes earlier.

Suppressing a violent desire to choke his assailant, I thrust the rug I
was carrying into Jill's arms, and started to elbow my way towards the
turkeys.

A sudden stutter of barks, a fearful burst of gobbling, and a chorus of
indignant cries suggested that the sooner I arrived to take charge, the
better for all concerned.

As I pushed forward, the press swayed expectantly towards the edge of
the platform, and I glanced round to see the train pulling in.

Thereafter my passage to the scene of the uproar was Homeric. Every step
was contested, not actively, but with that jealous determination not to
yield which distinguishes the prospective traveller who has bought an
expensive ticket and, by no means certain that the supply of seats will
be equal to the demand, interprets every movement as an attempt to
secure an unfair advantage. I eventually arrived to find in progress a
game which I prefer not to describe. Suffice it that, though Nobby was
leading, two inspectors and a clergyman with an umbrella were running
him pretty close, while the turkeys were simply nowhere.

With a well-timed dive I secured the terrier just as he evaded a left
hook from the Church, and, disregarding the loud tones in which several
intending passengers announced their conception of the qualifications of
a dog-owner, fought my way back to where I had left the girls. The fact
that the latter had managed to reserve and hold four seats did them, to
my mind, infinite credit.

It was not until we were gliding out of the station that I looked round
for my dispatch-case.

I did so in vain.

An investigation of the spaces between the seats and the floor proved
equally fruitless.

I sank back in my seat with a groan.

"Where did you see it last?" said Daphne.

"I'm hanged if I know, but of course it was with the other things. I put
it in the hall last night, and Falcon knows I always take it wherever I
go."

"I'll swear nothing was left on the platform," said Jill.

"Nor in the car," said Jonah. "I looked there myself."

"I've not the slightest doubt it's been pinched," said I. "It's just the
sort of thing that'd take a thief's fancy. By Jove!" I cried suddenly.
"What about the swab in the light coat? I'll bet any money he took it."

"What swab?" said Jonah.

"Oh, a complete mobsman. Came and jawed about Nobby and then gassed him
with his cigar till he did a bunk. That put me out of the way. With the
girls trying to get a carriage, the rest was easy. Gad I Why doesn't one
think of these things? It's locked, and there's nothing terribly
valuable in it, but I do hate being stung."

"First stop Flail," said Jonah, looking at his watch. "You've got the
best part of two hours to think it over. I should write out a synopsis
of the crime in duplicate, with a description of the missing
property----"

"And a plan of the station, I suppose, showing the all-red route I took
to the crate of turkeys, with a signed photograph of Nobby. I've only
got to attach my birth certificate, and there you are."

"Gentleman seems annoyed," said Jonah, unfolding the _Pall Mall_.

Jill laid a hand on my arm, and I laughed in spite of myself.

"He'll be fed to the teeth when he gets it open," I said. "I admit the
cigars are not what he's accustomed to, but I'd like to meet the fence
that'll take a nainsook pinafore and a couple of bibs."

This comfortable reflection in some sort consoled me. All the same, when
we steamed into Flail I sent for the station-master and handed that
gentleman two short descriptions--one of the dispatch-case, and the
other of the thief. He promised readily to keep a look-out and inform
the police.

"An' I'll telephone down the line, sir. You never know. He might be on
the train, or even 'ave got out 'ere." I made as if to leave the
compartment. "Ah, he'd be gone by now, an' you're just off. But I'll do
what I can. Your address, Red Abbey. Very good, sir."

* * * * *

Diana St. Martin was at the station to meet us, in a fever of excitement
and good-will. Her obvious disappointment at Berry's absence was allayed
by our assurance that he would appear the next day.

"Of course," she announced, "I was thrilled to learn that you were going
to the Loganberrys' lecture, but I couldn't help feeling that there was
some news, more relevant to your visit, which I ought to know. Hullo! Is
he going to honour us?" she added, pointing to Nobby, who, with tail
erect and eyes looking sideways, was considering whether or no to accept
the advances of an Irish terrier in the spirit in which they were
patently offered. "What a darling!"

"If you please," said I.

"Splendid. And now come along. We can all get In the limousine, and
there's a van for your luggage."

During the drive from the station I told her the style of the letter she
should have received, and disclosed the grave construction placed upon
it by the actual recipient. When I told her that Mr. Boleton and I were
now in telegraphic communication, she gave a little crow of delight.

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