Dornford Yates - Berry And Co.

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"How priceless!" she cried. "Perhaps there'll be a wire when we get
back."

She was wrong. But only by a few minutes. Before we had been at Red
Abbey for a quarter of an hour, a telegram was handed to me. Falcon had
forwarded it from London.

_Forced to regard your conduct as molestful delivery of your luggage
will not be accepted parasites will remain boxed and receive necessary
attention at your expense and risk pending instructions regarding their
removal which should be communicated to station-master direct any
attempt on your part to enter Pride Langley to-morrow will be forcibly
resisted._

At once I arranged for the dispatch of the following reply--

_At great inconvenience have arranged to postpone arrival of luggage and
parasites until to-morrow aaa impossible however to stop elephants seven
of which should reach you by road before midnight and remainder by 2
a.m. aaa as already slated am unable at this juncture to cancel my visit
but shall certainly never stay at Pride Langley again aaa if "molestful"
means what I think it does I shall point you out to the large parasite._

We spent a hilarious evening.

The Irish terrier showed Nobby that hospitality for which the Isle is
famous. He made him free of the house and grounds, showed him the way to
the kitchen, and indicated by occupation the most comfortable chairs.
Nobby returned the compliment by initiating his host into the mysteries
of a game which consisted of making a circuit of the great hall,
ascending the main staircase, entering and erupting from any bedroom of
which the door stood open, and descending the staircase--all of this
recurring--with the least possible delay. The Irish terrier proved an
apt pupil, and, so far as can be judged, if Diana's maid had not
encountered them in the midst of their seventh descent, and been upset,
and of vexation nipped by an angry competitor for her pains, the game
might have gone on for weeks. This incident, however, followed by the
production of a hunting whip, brought the game to a close and the host
to his senses. Hastily he repaired a grave omission, and a moment later
Nobby was cowering in comparative, if inconvenient, safety beneath an
enormous tallboy chest.

After dinner cards were brought forth and _vingt et un_ was played. In a
weak moment I volunteered to "carry" Jill, who played with an _abandon_
which was at once exhilarating and extremely expensive. Her persistent
refusal to "stand" on anything less than twenty-one commanded an
admiration which, but for my presence, would have been universal. The
only run of luck with which her audacity was favoured coincided with my
tenure of the bank, during which period she took fifty-two shillings off
me in seven minutes.

As I pushed her counters across--

"I've heard of robbing Peter to pay Paul," I said gloomily, "but never
of robbing Charlie to pay Chaplin. Why couldn't you do this when some
one else had the bank?"

"You shouldn't deal me such cards," was the ungrateful reply.

A moment later she turned up a "natural" with a dazzling smile.

There was a roar of laughter.

"Of course, this is Berry's luck," said I. "And it needs Berry's tongue
to cope with it. A little more, and I shall ship for Australia before
the mast. Yes, I'll have a brandy-and-soda, please. Of appropriate
strength."

"In inverse proportion to your luck?" said my host.

I shook my head.

"That would require Berry's liver. Besides, tomorrow morning I'm going
to help your wife to decorate the church. I admit I was a fool to
promise, but it's done now, and----"

The chocolate which Diana threw at me ricochetted from my cheekbone on
to the hearth, and was devoured by Nobby in the very teeth of his host.

I looked at my watch with a sigh. "I suppose I ought to have told you
that chocolates fall without the limit of his digestive powers. The last
one took about four hours. And it's eleven now. I am glad I came."

My statement was received with ironical cheers....

It may or may not have been the chocolate, but in the small hours of the
following morning it became expedient that I should admit Nobby into the
open air. And so it came about that I stood patient and shivering, in a
fur coat and pyjamas, at a garden door, while a small white rough-haired
thing heaved upon the lawn twelve decent yards away.

The sailing moon, clear-cut, issued her cold white light and showed the
sleeping country silent but troubled A pride of clouds rode high in
heaven, and the same strong careless wind that bore them swept from the
leafless boughs of earth below a boisterous melody, that rose and fell
in league-long phrases, far as the ear could follow. Nature was in a
royal mood. Her Cap of Maintenance was out, Pomp was abroad, the trump
of Circumstance was sounding. A frown of dignity knitted her gentle
brow, and meadows, roads, thickets and all her Court wore a staid look
to do her honour. Only her favourite, water, dared to smile, and the
flashing lake flung back the moonlight with long ripples of silvery
laughter.

Somewhere close at hand an owl cried, and Nobby answered the challenge
with a menacing bark. I whistled, and he came running, the very
embodiment of health and spirits. Marvelling at a dog's recuperative
powers, I reopened the door. As I did so, I heard the stable clock
striking. Three o'clock.

* * * * *

Twelve hours later a servant entered the library to arouse me from a
refreshing sleep with the news that some one desired to speak with me
upon the telephone. Heavily I made my way to the lobby and put the
receiver to my ear, but the first sentence I heard drove the lingering
rearguard of Slumber headlong from my system.

It was an Inspector of Police, speaking from Flail.

"I think we've got your case, sir. Pigskin, seventeen inches by ten, an'
a blue line runnin' acrost it?"

"That's right," I said excitedly.

"An' it's still locked. No initials. But we'd like your formal
identification. Besides.... I don't know whether you could manage this
afternoon, sir, but if you could.... You see, it's a matter of a charge.
We're detainin' a man in connection with the thef'."

"Oh, I don't want to proceed. So long as I get the case back...."

"'Fraid we can't 'ardly do that, sir."

I groaned. Then--

"How far is Red Abbey from Flail?"

"Matter o' twelve mile, sir. Wouldn't take you no time in a car."

"I'll see what I can do. Good-bye."

Both cars were needed to meet incoming guests, but a Miss Doiran, who
had arrived that morning in her own two-seater, offered to drive me to
Flail and back before tea.

A quarter of an hour later we were on the road.

She listened attentively to the story of my loss. When I had finished--

"You'd little enough to go on, I must say. I'd never have dared to say
that man had stolen it."

"It was a bow at a venture," I admitted. "But it seems to have come off.
All the same, I don't want to charge the chap. He deserves six months,
if only for his cigar, but I'd rather somebody else sent him down."

"I expect they'll make you. After all, it was a pretty smart capture,
and the police'll be fed to the teeth if you don't go through with it."

"Considering it was stolen in London, I didn't see any sense in telling
the police at Flail, but the station-master apparently knew his job."

With a temporarily disengaged hand Miss Doiran caressed Nobby, who was
seated between us.

"I've always wanted a Sealyham," she sighed.

"You could have had one for nothing at three o'clock this morning."

"Did he have you up?"

I nodded.

"And down and out." I sighed. "It was a handsome night. Very cold,
though. I thought of you all warm in bed."

"What a wicked story! You never knew of my existence."

"I thought of everybody. That embraced you. It's extraordinary how
little women can wear without dying of exposure, isn't it?"

Miss Doiran glanced at her sleeve.

"This coat is lined with chamois leather," she said. "I don't know what
more you want."

"Yes. But your stockings aren't. When you stepped into the car I was
quite frightened for you."

My companion's chin rose, and she stared through the wind-screen with
compressed lips.

"I'm as warm as toast," she said defiantly.

"If you're no warmer than the toast I had for breakfast this
morning----"

"You should get up earlier."

"I thought I told you I was up and about at three."

"That doesn't count."

"Doesn't it? All right. You get up at three tomorrow and think of me all
warm in bed, and see whether it counts. By the way, don't say you wear
pyjamas, because I can't bear it."

Miss Doiran addressed our companion.

"Is he often like this, Nobby?"

I explained.

"It's not idle curiosity. You see, I'm editing a directory to be called
_That's That_. It's really a short list of the few nice people left who
aren't anybody: with just a word or two about their manners, failings,
virtues, if any, and the attire they usually affect when off duty. It
won't say when they were born, but why they were born."

"That'll sell it," said Miss Doiran.

"So you see. May I know now, or must I wait outside the bathroom?"

"I'm afraid," said Miss Doiran, "that you must wait outside the
bathroom."

I sighed.

"If it is pyjamas," said I, "I shall scream."

Some geese hissed as we swept by. The noise was inaudible, but the
hostility of their gesture was patent. Its effect upon Nobby was
electrical. Exasperated to madness by the gratuitous insult, he made the
most violent attempts to leave the car, only pausing the better to lift
up his voice and rave at his, by this time distant, tormentors. His
dignity was outraged and, what was much worse, unavenged.

"D'you still want him?" I shouted, holding fast to his collar with one
hand, while with the other I strove to muffle his cries with the rug.

"Every time."

I swallowed before replying.

"Of course, this is exceptional," I said weakly. "He can be very good if
he likes."

Miss Doiran laughed.

"I believe you just dote on him."

I lugged the white scrap out of the welter of rug and set him up on my
knees. Surprised, he stopped barking and looked me full in the eyes.
Then he thrust a cold nose into my face. Almost roughly I put him away.

"I believe you're right," I said.

Ten minutes later we drove up to Flail Police Station.

I thrust Nobby under my arm and stepped out of the car. Then I turned to
the girl.

"I'll be as quick as I can," I said.

"Right oh!"

Sure enough it was my dispatch-case. In some embarrassment I described
the ridiculous contents. Then I produced the key and confirmed my own
words.

"I must say," I said, "you haven't wasted much time. How did you recover
it?"

The inspector in charge looked grave.

"'E's a nice little lot, what took this case, sir. I shouldn't wonder if
there was 'alf a dozen warrants out for 'im. As plausible a rogue as
ever I see, an' as full o' swank as a negg is o' meat. Told us the tale
proper, 'e did. One o' the kind as gets through by sheer nerve. Now,
nine out o' ten'd 'ave bin through this 'ere case last night and throwed
it away. But 'e's not that sort. Walks through the town this afternoon
with it under 'is arm, as bold as brass." A 'plain-clothes' man entered
and stood waiting. "All ready? Right." He turned again to me. "An' now,
sir, we'll be obliged if you'll step into the yard and see if you see
anybody you recognize. I'd like the identification to be regular."

Perceiving my chance of doing the thief a good turn, I assented readily.
It was my fixed intention to recognize no one.

I followed the policeman into a high-walled yard.

Variously attired, six men were drawn up in line.

"Do you see anybody you know?" repeated the inspector.

I did. _Standing third from the left, with a seraphic look on his face,
was Berry._

For a moment I stood spellbound. Then I began to laugh uncontrollably.

"Go on, you fool," said Berry. "Indicate the felon. I admit it's one up
to you, but I'll get my own back. You wait. Why, there's Kernobby." The
terrier slipped from under my arm and ran to where he stood. "Good dog.
But I mustn't play with you till the gentleman in blue boxcloth says so.
'Sides, I'm a giddy criminal, I am." He addressed my companion. "Will
you dismiss the parade, inspector? Or shall we do a little troop drill?"

I turned to the bewildered officer.

"It's all a mistake, inspector. This is my brother-in-law. He must have
borrowed the case without my knowledge. For goodness' sake, get these
men away and we'll explain things."

The inspector hesitated, but Nobby's frantic efforts to lick the
suspect's face settled the matter. Gruffly he acted upon my suggestion,
and the little squad broke up.

In the charge-room we satisfied him of the sincerity of our statements
and exonerated him from blame. To do the police justice, Berry was
dressed more or less in accordance with my hazy description of the
"thief," and it was my dispatch-case. Courtesies were exchanged, I
signed a receipt for my property, and Berry, his effects restored, gave
a poor devil, who was brought in to be charged with begging, enough to
console the latter for his detention on Christmas Day.

A moment later I was introducing him to Miss Doiran.

"Thief and brother-in-law in one," I said. "A terrible combination."

Berry took off his hat and put a hand to his head.

"Whose reign is it?" he said dazedly. "When I entered the gaol it was
King George."

* * * * *

With his back to the fire in Daphne's bedroom, Berry proceeded to clear
the air.

"If any one of you four had a tenth of the instinct of a village idiot,
it would have occurred to those diseased fungi which you call your minds
that I had said I should want Boy's dispatch-case. But let that pass.

"I was walking through Flail according to plan, and following the
tram-lines according to the drivelling advice given me by an outside
porter with a suggestive nose. Need I say that before I had covered a
hundred yards the lines branched? I was still praying for the soul of my
informant, when I observed that a large blue constable, who was
apparently lining the street, was staring at me as at an apparition.
Courteously I gave him 'Good day.' In return he handed me a look which I
shall try to forget, and asked me how I came by the dispatch-case.

"'_I_ didn't,' I said. 'I came by train.'

"Noticing that he seemed piqued by my reply, I made haste to suggest
that we should repair to a neighbouring dairy and consume two small
glasses of butter milk and a sponge cake at my expense. Not to be
outdone in hospitality, he made a counter-proposal, which, after some
hesitation, I thought it discreet to accept. Our progress through the
streets afforded the acme of gratification to the populace, most of whom
accompanied us with every circumstance of enthusiasm and delight.
Altogether it was most exhilarating.

"My reception at the police-station was cordial in the extreme. They
told me their theory, and I gave them my explanation. The fact that the
beastly case was still locked was naturally in my favour. In fact,
everything in the garden was lovely, and I was on the point of pushing
off to catch my train, when that fool of an inspector asked if I'd leave
my card, as a matter of form.

"'I'm afraid I haven't one on me,' I said, 'but I daresay I've got an
envelope,' and I started to feel in my pockets. There was only one paper
there, and that wasn't an envelope. _It was Mr. Boleton's letter._

"The moment I saw what it was, I knew I was done. I couldn't put it
away, or they'd get suspicious. If I showed it them, they'd regard me as
a first-class crook, and very big game. I suppose I hesitated, for the
Inspector leaned forward and took it out of my hand.

"The rest was easy. I was reviled, searched, cautioned, examined,
measured, described and finally told that I should be detained pending
inquiries. I was then immured in a poisonous-looking dungeon, which, to
judge from its atmosphere, had been recently occupied by an
anti-prohibitionist, and, from its condition, not yet reached by the
chambermaid.

"Yes," he concluded, "you have before you the complete gaol-bird."

"How did you spend your time?" said Jonah.

"B-b-beating my wings against the crool b-b-bars," said Berry. "My
flutterings were most painful. Several turnkeys broke down. The rat
which was attached to me for pay and rations gambolled to assuage my
grief. Greatly affected by the little animal's antics, I mounted the
plank bed and rang the b-b-bell for the b-b-boots. In due course they
appeared full of the feet of a gigantic warder. I told him that I had
not ordered vermin and should prefer a fire, and asked if they'd mind if
I didn't dress for dinner. I added that I thought flowers always
improved a cell, and would he buy me some white carnations and a
b-b-begonia. His reply was evasive and so coarse that I told the rat not
to listen, and recited what I could remember of 'The Lost Chord.'" He
turned to me. "The remainder of my time I occupied in making plans for
the disposal of your corpse."

"You've only yourself to thank," said I. "You shouldn't have borrowed
the goods. I acted in good faith."

"I wonder," said Berry, "where one gets quicklime."

* * * * *

It was during the interval between the third and fourth dances, both of
which had been given me by Miss Doiran, that the latter consulted her
programme.

"I'm dancing the fifth," she announced, "with the Duke of Blackpool." I
started violently, but she took no notice. "I think you know him. He was
released from prison this afternoon. As my aunt's secretary, I've had
some correspondence with him under the name of Boleton."

My brain began to work furiously.

"I scent collusion," I said. "Diana is in this."

Miss Doiran laughed.

"She rang me up directly she got your note about the lecture. The rest
sort of came natural. I believe you were responsible for the telegrams.
I congratulate you. The elephants were a brain-wave. My aunt was tickled
to death by them."

"How dreadful! I mean--it's very nice of her. I'm afraid it was all
rather impertinent."

"If so, we were the first to offend, and, after all, Major Pleydell has
expiated his crime."

"And he's fixed my murder for the first week In January. There's really
only you left."

"Oh, I'm punished already," said Miss Doiran. "I've lost my heart. And
he doesn't love me."

"Would it be indiscreet to ask his name?"

Miss Doiran looked round the room.

"When I last saw him," she said, "he was talking to an Irish terrier."

CHAPTER V

HOW JILL'S EDUCATION WAS IMPROVED, AND DAPHNE GAVE HER HUSBAND THE SLIP.

"As I have frequently observed," said Berry, "your education has been
neglected. I'm not blaming those responsible. Your instruction must have
been a thankless task."

"I should think the masters who taught you enjoyed their holidays."

Such a reply from Jill was like a sudden snowstorm in June, and Berry,
who was in the act of drinking, choked with surprise. When he had
recovered his breath--

"You rude child," he said. "My prizes are among my most cherished
possessions."

"Where d'you keep them?"--suspiciously.

"Chancery Lane Safe Deposit," was the reply. "When I die I shall leave
them to the Wallace Collection. The shoes I wore at the first night of
_Buzz-Buzz_ are already promised to the Imperial Institute."

"When you've quite finished," said Daphne, "I'll suggest that we go up
for the day on Friday. I don't mean to-morrow, but the one after."

"It's a little early in the year," said I. "All the same, there's no
reason why we shouldn't go up again later on. It's always open."

"If the weather holds," said Jonah, "it will be looking wonderful."

Oxford. Some reference had been made to the city while we sat at
dessert, and in the midst of a banana Jill had confessed that she had
never been there. The rest of us knew the place well. Berry had been at
Magdalen, Jonah at New College, and I had fleeted four fat years
carelessly as a member of "The House." But, while my sister had spent
many hours there during my residence, Jill had not once visited her
brother--largely, no doubt, because there was a disparity of six years,
in her favour, between their ages.

"I warn you," said Berry, "that I may break down. My return to the
haunts of early innocence may be too much for me. Yes," he added, "I
shouldn't be at all surprised if I were to beat my breast somewhere near
The Martyrs' Memorial."

"An appropriate locality," said Jonah. "If my memory serves me, it was
for a crime committed almost under the shadow of that monument that you
were irrevocably sent down."

Berry selected a cigar before replying. Then--

"Only a malignant reptile would refer to that miscarriage of justice. It
was not my fault that the animal which I employed exceeded its
instructions and, as it were, pushed on after attaining its objective."

"You expected it to consolidate the position?" said I.

"Precisely. To dig itself in. It was like this. It was expedient--no
matter why--that a large boar should be introduced into Balliol College
shortly before 10 p.m. A gigantic specimen was accordingly procured and
brought to the Broad Street entrance in a hansom cab. It was then
induced to take up a position commanding the wicket-door. The
juxtaposition of two hurdles, held in place by my subordinates,
frustrated any attempt at untimely evacuation. At a given signal the
customary kick was administered to the gate, indicating that some person
or persons sought admission to the foundation. Unhesitatingly the porter
responded to the summons. The wicket was opened, and the pig passed in."

"I think it was very cruel," said Daphne.

"Not at all," said her husband. "There was more succulent grass upon the
lawns of Balliol than was dreamt of in its ferocity. To continue. My
mission accomplished, I entered the hansom and drove to the Club. It was
during an unfortunate altercation with the cabman, who demanded an
unreasonably exorbitant sum for the conveyance of the pig, that I was
accosted by a proctor for being gownless. The cab was still redolent of
its late occupant, and, although nothing was said at the time, it was
this which afterwards led the authorities to suspect my complicity. Even
so, nothing would have been said but for a most distressing development.

"I had expected that the pig would confine its attention to the
quadrangles and gardens and to startling such members of the college as
happened casually to encounter it. Fate, however, decreed otherwise. It
appears that the creature's admission coincided with the opening of a
door which led directly into the Senior Common Room, where the Master
and Fellows were still discussing classical criticism and some '34 port.
Attracted by the shaft of light and the mellow atmosphere of good cheer
and hilarity which streamed into the comparative gloom of the
quadrangle, the pig made a bee-line for the doorway, and a moment later
the exclusive circle was enriched by the presence of this simple and
unaffected guest. The details of what followed have never transpired,
but from the Senior Proctor's demeanour at a subsequent interview, and
the amount of the bill for damage which I was requested to pay, I am
inclined to think that the pig must have been a confirmed Bolshevist."

"I hope you apologized to the Master."

"I did. I received in reply a letter which I shall always value. It ran
as follows--

_SIR,_

_I beg that you will think no more of the matter. Youth must be served.
Many years ago I assisted your father in a somewhat similar enterprise.
Till the other evening I had always believed that the havoc provoked by
the introduction of a dancing bear into a concert-room could not be
surpassed. I am now less certain._

_Yours very faithfully,_

.."

"I think," said Jill, "he was very forgiving."

"It was deep," said Berry, "calling to deep. By the way, you'll all be
pleased to hear that I have received peremptory instructions 'within one
week to abolish the existing number by which this house is
distinguished, and to mark or affix on some conspicuous part thereof a
new number, and to renew the same as often as it is obliterated or
defaced.' Selah."

"Whatever," said Daphne, "do you mean?"

"Sorry," said Berry. "Let me put it another way. Some genii,
masquerading as officials, have got a move on. Snuffing the air of
'Reconstruction,' they have realized with a shock that the numbers of
the houses in this street have not been changed for over half a century.
Thirstily they have determined to repair the omission. We've always been
'38.' In a few days, with apologies to Wordsworth, we shall be '7.' A
solemn thought."

"But can we do nothing?"

"Certainly. In that case somebody else will obliterate the existing
number, and I shall be summoned to appear before a Justice of the
Peace."

"It's outrageous," said Daphne. "It'll cause endless confusion, and
think of all our notepaper and cards. All the dies will have to be
scrapped and new ones cut."

"Go easy," said I. "After a decent interval they'll alter the name of
the street. Many people feel that The Quadrant should be renamed 'The
Salient,' and Piccadilly 'High Street.' I'm all for Progress."

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