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Dornford Yates - Berry And Co.

D >> Dornford Yates >> Berry And Co.




Stifling a desire to join her, I crossed to Mr. Lewis and engaged him in
reasonable conversation, while Berry seized the opportunity of
indicating to Agatha the main points of the city, accompanying his
gesticulations with a series of inaudible remarks, which, to judge from
their reception, concerned Mr. Lewis more nearly than Oxford, and were
of a grotesque character. I was just leading up to the question of fuel,
when a cry from my brother-in-law interrupted me.

"My hag," he announced, "is below. With a notorious winebibber. Where
are the women police?"

The next moment he had slid an arm through Agatha's and had begun to
descend. I followed with Mr. Lewis....

I pass over the meeting in the street below, which I was just in time to
witness. Berry's swoop was so sudden that his prey appeared to realize
that the game was up, and made no attempt to fly. It was almost piteous.
An apprehension of certain embarrassment to come extinguished the
instant impulse to shriek with laughter which was written plain upon
their faces, and my sister gave one wild glance about her before turning
to face the delinquent.

As I came up she addressed him.

"Berry, I appeal to you to take off that hat."

"My tongue," was the reply, "I mean my hands, are clean. Bereft of my
own headgear, I had no choice. Some absent-minded priest is now
scandalizing his parishioners by parading in a pearl-grey Homburg which
is four sizes too big for him, while I--would you have me go naked in
the streets?"

Here the Vice-Chancellor passed, preceded by his Bedels with staves
reversed, and Berry uncovered and fell upon his knees. Surprised by the
unwonted attention, the dignitary raised his mortar-board and bowed.

"Let's go and touch him," said Berry excitedly. "Then we shan't get the
King's Evil. That's the origin of inoculation."

"I implore you," said Daphne, "to behave yourself. As a personal
favour----"

"You see in me," said her husband, "a huntleyed palmer seeking the tomb
of Anne of Cloves. On finding it, I must scourge myself. Anyone who
directs me to it will be assaulted."

"She's buried at Oranges," said Jonah. "But don't let that stop you."

Berry replaced his wideawake and stared at him.

"To mock me," he said, "is most dangerous. Several people have been
transformed for such an offence. Only yesterday I was compelled to
change a taxi-driver into a Gorgonzola of military age."

Several clocks struck the half-hour. Half-past two.

"Look here," said I. "We want to go to New College and 'The House,' but
we can't push off if you're going to come with us looking like that. For
Heaven's sake, go back to _The Mitre_ and get your own hat. Mr. Lewis,
won't you go and fix him up?"

Quick as a flash, Daphne threw her weight into the scale which I had
slung.

"Yes, do," she implored. "You know, you oughtn't to have let him come
out like that," she added, with a reproachful smile. "And then you can
join us a New College."

Our manoeuvre was successful beyond all expectation. His vanity
flattered, the gentleman addressed flung himself into the breach with
every manifestation of delight, and, seizing my brother-in-law by the
arm, haled him gleefully in the direction of The High, humouring his
obvious reluctance with the familiar assurances which one usually
associates with the persuasion of the unsober.

In silence we watched them till they had turned the corner. Then--

"Did I say New College?" said Daphne hurriedly.

"You did," said I. "So we'd better go straight to 'The House.'"

Three minutes later we were exploring my old rooms in Peckwater
Quadrangle, Christ Church.

* * * * *

In spite of its inauspicious beginning, we spent an enjoyable afternoon.
By common consent New College was ruled out of our itinerary, but Oxford
cannot be viewed in a day, and we found much to delight our senses south
of the High Street. Finally, a languorous journey by punt from the
Barges to Magdalen Bridge more than compensated us for the somnolent
half-hour which we had been proposing to spend under the shadow of the
City Wall.

Our return to _The Mitre_--a movement which was effected with great
caution--was eagerly awaited by the hall-porter, who inquired anxiously
regarding my brother-in-law, and produced his grey Homburg with a note
addressed _To the Owner_ stuck in the hatband.

"The gentleman as was of your party, sir, was inquirin' about 'is 'at an
hour or two back, sir. 'E 'adn't 'ardly gone, when a reverend gent come
in, all of a state, with this 'at in 'is 'and. Seems he took it away
absent-minded like, instead of 'is own, sir. Though 'ow 'e can 'ave made
such a mistake I can't think, 'is bein' a Church 'at as plain as plain.
But they're like that up 'ere, sir, some o' them."

We stared at one another, frankly astonished to learn that Berry's
fantastic explanation was founded strictly upon fact.

"Did the clergyman get his own back?" said I.

"Yes, sir. 'Ere it was in the 'all."

Apparently neither the porter nor the divine had any idea of the abuse
to which the latter's wideawake had been put.

"Oh, well, our friend'll be in presently," said Jonah, taking the
Homburg. "When he comes, tell him we've got his hat and are having tea."

"Very good, sir. You see there's a note there, sir? The reverend wrote
it 'ere. I think 'e was 'opin' to ave seen your gentleman and told 'im
'ow sorry 'e was, but when 'e 'card 'e was out, 'e sits down an' writes
'im a letter. 'E was in a state."

"Poor man," said Daphne, following after Jonah. "After all, there's no
harm done."

"It was a near thing," said I. "But for my brain-wave----"

"Nonsense," said Daphne, "I got him away."

"To be candid," said Jonah, "if anybody's to get a mention, I'm inclined
to think it should be Mr. Lewis."

While we were waiting for tea, I read the letter aloud.

_SIR,_

_I can never adequately express my regret for the distressing, if
momentary, aberration unhappily responsible for my appropriation of a
hat which in no way resembles my own._

_I dare entertain no hope that inconvenience has not resulted to you,
but I beg that you will accept, first, my fervid assurance that it was
not of industry, but of case that I offended, and, secondly, my most
humble apologies for the commission of so unfriendly a gest._

_I am, Sir,_

_Your obedient Servant,_

_LUKE ST J. BILDEW, B.D._

When I had finished--

"I don't understand half of it," said Jill.

"I confess it needs annotating, but it's worth keeping, for it's the
real thing, my dear--a human document. You see, Oxford is the most
wonderful backwater in the world, but--it's a backwater."

"And if you stay in it always," said Agatha, "and never come out into
the stream----"

"You are liable to take the wrong hat and to write letters that would be
the better for footnotes."

Berry arrived with the tea.

In silence he received his own hat, compared it with one which he had
just purchased, and then handed the latter to the waiter. In silence he
read Mr. Bildew's note. In silence he selected a piece of bread and
butter and sank into a chair.

"I can't bear it," said Daphne. "Where's Mr. Lewis?"

"Happily he decided to catch a train twenty minutes ago. Otherwise it
would have been murder. I should have pleaded guilty to manslaughter,
committed under extreme provocation. That man oughtn't to be allowed. I
suppose you forgot to go to New College. Yes, just so."

"And the coal?" said I. "Have you fixed that up?"

"Three tons of the best nuts are to be delivered _sub rosa_ between two
and three to-morrow afternoon. Nothing is to be said, nothing signed.
Nobody is to know anything about it. The carter will simply take up the
plate, shoot the stuff in, and push off. As I happened to have six
pounds ten shillings upon me, the transaction will not be recorded."
With a depreciatory hand he waved aside the involuntary buzz of grateful
admiration. "I am not long for this world. I am, as it were, ear-marked
for a more worthy sphere. My translation may occur any moment. I should
like Lewis to have some trifle in memory of me. A personal effect, I
mean. I've got a gun-metal sovereign-case somewhere. But anything useful
will do."

* * * * *

We made a point of being in upon the following afternoon. It was not
often that we all sat down to lunch together, but the satisfaction of
witnessing the delivery of three precious tons of coal in the teeth of
the authorities was more than we could forego. The butler was admitted
to our confidence, and instructed to stifle any attempt to allay
curiosity, by interpretation of the carman, that might originate in the
servants' hall, and immediately after luncheon, which finished at three
minutes to two, an O.P. was established by the side of one of the
dining-room windows, in which Jill was posted with orders to advise us
directly the convoy appeared.

In the library we spent a restless time. Berry, usually somnolent at
this hour, sat upon the club kerb and toyed with _The Times_. Jonah
fidgeted with a refractory pipe. Daphne glanced from the clock to her
novel and the novel to the clock at intervals of fifteen seconds, and I
wrote four letters to the War Office about my gratuity, and very
properly destroyed them as incoherent one after another.

At a quarter past two, by common consent, I visited Jill to see if she
was asleep.... When I made my report we reminded one another that Mr.
Lewis had said between two and three, and agreed that it was early as
yet.

At half-past two Daphne left the room and did not return.

At twenty minutes to three I made no attempt to disguise my uneasiness,
and joined my cousin and sister in the dining-room.

Ten minutes later Jonah and Berry came in.

After a hurried consultation it was decided that, if the coal had not
arrived in ten minutes' time, Berry should telephone to Mr. Lewis
forthwith. Almost immediately it was found that nobody knew the man's
number, initials, or address, and reference to the Directory showed that
there were four columns of subscribers all bearing his name.

At five minutes past three the strain was telling, and every one's
temper began more or less to show signs of wear and tear.

"Are you sure," said Daphne for the fourth time, "that it was to come
between two and three?"

"No," said her husband. "That's why I've been waiting."

"Fool," said his wife.

Berry sighed.

"Some people are very hard to please. If I were you, I should take a
course of ventriloquism. Then you can ask yourself questions and give
yourself any perishing answers you like. At times you might even revile
yourself."

Five minutes later Jonah announced that he was going to Ranelagh, and
inquired whether any one wanted a round of golf. Berry accepted the
invitation, and they left together.

The arrival of Fitch with the car at half-past three reminded my sister
that she was going to call upon some one in Regent's Park, and she
withdrew in a state of profound depression.

Jill, who was on the very brink of tears, refused to leave her post
until a quarter to four, and, when that hour arrived, slow-treading but
coalless, it was only my promise to take her to see Charlie Chaplin
forthwith that could coax the ghost of a smile to play about her lips.

As I closed the front-door behind us, a neighbouring clock struck four.

Moodily we walked down the street, talking of cinemas and thinking of
coal. Had our thoughts been otherwise employed, the condition of the
pavement outside a house about a hundred and twenty yards down on the
opposite side would have recalled them pellmell to our disappointment.
It was obvious that a considerable quantity of coal had been recently
delivered to a more fortunate _menage_. Idly I looked at the number of
the house. _From either pillar of the porch a freshly painted "38"
grinned at me._ For a moment I stared at them blankly. Then Jill gave a
choking cry and caught at my arm....

I realized with a shock that, while Mr. Lewis had been as good as his
word, my brother-in-law's recollection of our change of address was less
dependable.




CHAPTER VI

HOW NOBBY ATTENDED A WEDDING, AND BERRY SPOKE NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.


"If I am to drive," said Jonah, "I won't be responsible for doing it in
a minute under two hours." He looked down at Nobby, who, with a section
of one of my shoe-trees in his mouth, was importuning him to play by the
simple expedient of thrusting the bauble against the calf of his leg.
"My good dog, if you expect me to interrupt an agreeable breakfast to
join you in the one-sided game of which you never tire, you are doomed
to disappointment. Go and worry your owner."

With a reproachful look the terrier took his advice and, trotting across
to the sideboard, laid his toy at my feet and looked up expectantly. I
hardened my heart.

"It is not my practice," said I, "to gambol upon an empty stomach. Try
Jill."

Slowly the brown eyes sank from mine to the bottom button of my
waistcoat. As I moved to my place, plate in hand, he gave a protesting
bark, which was answered by a fox-terrier from the box-seat of a passing
van. In a flash Nobby was upon the sill of the open window, hurling
defiance at the intruder.

"Is he coming with us?" said Daphne.

"I don't see why he shouldn't. We can leave him at Hillingdon while
we're at Church. By the way, what time does the balloon go up?"

"The marriage," said Jonah, "is to be solemnized at two o'clock. As I
said a moment ago, it'll take us two hours to get there. If we start at
eleven, that'll give us an hour to brush one another, lunch and rehearse
the series of genial banalities with which it is the habit of
wedding-guests to insult one another's intelligence."

"I believe," said Jill, "I heard the telephone."

I called upon Nobby to suspend his fury, and we all listened. Sure
enough, a long spasm of ringing came simultaneously from the library and
the lobby in the back hall.

"I shouldn't be surprised," said I, "if that was the Club, to tell me
I've drawn a runner in the three-pound sweep." And, with that, I left my
kidneys and repaired to the library.

"Can I speak to Major Pleydell?" said a voice.

"Who is it, please?"

"The Waddell Institute speaking."

"Oh, yes. Will you hold the line?"

I went to the foot of the stairs and shouted for Berry. There was no
reply. In some annoyance I ascended the first flight and shouted again.
From behind a closed door his voice answered me. It was with a malicious
pleasure that I located its origin....

A moment later I opened the bathroom door.

From the depths of a luxurious bath Berry regarded me.

"That's right," he said. "You come in. Don't take any notice of me. And
don't shut the door, or the servants won't be able to see in."

"You are wanted," said I, "upon the telephone."

"How interesting!" said Berry. "I suppose you told them to hold on."

"I did."

He sank into a recumbent position and crossed his legs.

"What a marvellous thing," he said, "the telephone is. There's that
fool, Heaven knows how many miles away, sitting with his ear glued to a
piece of vulcanite, and here am I in the midst of an exacting
toilet--d'you think he'd hear me if I were to shout? Or would you rather
take a message?"

"It is," said I, "the Waddell Institute."

The savagery with which my brother-in-law invested a very ordinary
expletive was quite remarkable.

"Why," he added, sitting upright, "cannot they ring up at a lawful hour?
Why must they----"

The sentence was never finished. With the rush of a whirlwind, Nobby
tore into the room. His delight at having run me to earth was
transformed to ecstasy at encountering unexpectedly another member of
the household, hitherto missing from his tale, and, observing that the
latter's face was a reasonable distance from the ground, and so less
inaccessible than usual, the Sealyham leapt upon the rim of the bath to
offer the lick of greeting which it was his practice to bestow.

The result was inevitable.

Nobby tried to save himself by reaching for Berry's shoulder with his
forepaws, but at the critical moment his buffer flinched, the paws fell
short of their objective, and with a startled grunt the terrier fell
heavily into the bath, his desperate claws leaving two long abrasions
upon his victim's ribs.

The scene that followed baffles description.

Berry began to roar like a wounded bull, while a bedraggled Nobby
scrambled and blew and slipped and scratched, caring not at all what was
his understanding, so long as it provided a foothold and kept his head
above water.

"He thinks I'm a straw!" yelled Berry. "He's catching at me. Don't stand
there like a half-baked corner-boy. Get him _out_!"

But I was helpless with laughter, from which I only recovered in time to
rescue the offender, who, with the bath to himself, was swimming
sturdily in the deep water and scrabbling fruitlessly on the porcelain,
while Berry, in a bath-dressing-gown and a loud voice, identified and
enumerated the several scratches upon his person.

"For Heaven's sake," said I, "go and answer the telephone."

"I shall die," said Berry, slipping his feet into a pair of pumps. "I
shall get pneumonia (bis) and die. I got into that bath in the prime, as
it were, the very heyday of life. And now.... At least, I shall be in
the fashion. 'The body of the deceased bore signs of extreme physical
violence.' Any more for the crime wave?"

I wrapped Nobby in my brother-in-law's towel and followed the latter
downstairs.

My sister was standing in the library's doorway.

"What on earth," she demanded, "has been the matter?"

I held up my hand.

"Listen."

Berry was speaking upon the telephone.

"Is that the Waddell Institute? I am so very sorry--I might almost say
distracted--that you should have been kept waiting.... You see, I've
just been mauled.... No. Not 'called,' mauled. Emma, ak, u, l for
leather--I beg your pardon. Yes, isn't it tawful? Well, if you must
know, it was a bloodhound. They told me at the Dogs' Home that he'd lost
his scent as a result of the air raids, but last night the charwoman
gave him a sausage I'd left, and he pulled me down this morning.... Yes.
This is Major Pleydell.... Oh, Walter Thomas Dale? Yes, I remember
perfectly.... Received the requisite number of votes? Splendid.... Can
be admitted on the fifteenth of June? Thanks very much.... What?... Oh,
I shall pull round. Yes, thanks. I shall just get the wounds plugged,
and.... Good-bye."

We heard the receiver replaced.

"Hurray!" cried Daphne. "I am glad. That's a real load off my mind.
Write and tell them this morning, will you?" I looked up from the
operation of drying Nobby and nodded. "Poor people, they'll be so
thankful. And now, what happened upstairs?"

"Mixed bathing," said I. "Your husband had not left the bath when Nobby
entered it. Both were frightened, but neither was hurt."

As I spoke, Berry emerged from the library with a cigarette in his
mouth.

"My milk-white skin," he said, "has been defaced. My beautiful trunk has
been lacerated as with jagged nails. You know, I tremble for that dog's
soul. It mayn't be his fault, but it's invariably my misfortune." He
turned to my sister. "You heard about Walter Thomas? Good. And now I
shall slip on some iodine and underclothes and come down as I am."

"Jonah says we must leave at eleven," said Daphne. "For goodness' sake,
don't be late."

"My wedding garments are prepared and but await my entry. The sponge-bag
trousers are unrolled, the elastic-sided boots untreed, the made-up tie
dusted. Of course, we're taking Nobby?"

I looked up from my charge, who was by this time fairly dry and as full
of beans as an egg is of meat.

"Of course."

"Of course. You never know. I might get run over. That'd give him an
opening."

"Here," said I, "is your towel. He's all right now."

Carefully Berry fingered the fabric.

"He was wet, wasn't he?" he said. "Yes. I suppose I can dry myself on
the curtains. I wonder which of us he would bite if I were to assault
you." He hung the towel over his arm, picked up the terrier and looked
into his eyes. "You wicked scrap! Why, he's not nearly dry yet." Nobby
licked his face. "Come along up with uncle, and we'll share the
bath-mat."

The two disappeared up the staircase, wrangling amicably regarding my
brother-in-law's right to pull the terrier's whiskers.

"You won't forget to write, will you?" said Daphne, as we returned to
the dining-room.

"I promise," said I. "You shall see the letter."

Trooper Dale, W., had been in my squadron in the field, and for three
weeks he had taken my first servant's place. Incidentally he had also
taken two pounds ten shillings in notes, which I frankly admit I had no
business to have left in my pocket. Taxed with the theft, he had broken
down and told me a piteous tale.

A delicate wife and a little boy with curvature of the spine needed
every honest halfpenny that could be turned--and more also. Between a
chauffeur's wages and his Army pay there was fixed a great gulf,
and--well, it was hard to know that the child was suffering for want of
nourishment.

I caused inquiries to be made. A convenient aunt investigated the case
and found it genuine. Between us we did what we could. Then, on her
return from Egypt, my sister visited the family and reported that they
would be most thankful if the child could be admitted to a first-class
home. With the Waddell Institute Berry had Influence, and at last a
coveted vacancy had been obtained....

Before we left for Monk's Honour I composed a suitable letter to the
ex-trooper, telling him that his little boy could soon be received into
an institution, from which there was every reason to believe that he
would eventually emerge comparatively restored to health.

* * * * *

It was a lovely day. And we were glad of it, for at two o'clock my
Cousin Madrigal was to be married from the old house where she was born,
and in the old church In which she was baptized. A special train was
being run from London, but Monk's Honour lay four miles from the nearest
station, and it was doubtful if the supply of cars and carriages would
prove equal to the demand. Therefore we had decided to go down by road.
With my uncle's land marched the well-timbered acres of Hillingdon,
where the Tanyons lived, and they had very kindly invited us to
luncheon, so that we should not descend untimely upon a simmering
household. In their keeping we proposed to leave Nobby and the car. The
house was only five minutes' walk from the church and as many again from
Madrigal's home, so that once we had reached the village we should need
no conveyance until the time came for us to return to Town.

For a wonder we were all on time, and it was barely eleven o'clock when
Jonah let in the clutch and the Rolls began to move. Daphne sat in
front, and Jill between Berry and me on the back seat. The girls wore
dust-cloaks to save their finery, and two large bandboxes concealed
their respective hats. Berry, Jonah and I wore light overcoats above our
morning-dress, and three tall hats, ironed to perfection, each in his
stiff white hat-box, jostled one another on the mat at our feet. A
smaller box by their side contained three blooming gardenias.

Once clear of London Jonah gave the Rolls her head, and we were soon
floating through the midst of blowing cherry orchards and fragrant hop
gardens, which of the great sun were quick with radiance.

The deeper we plunged into the countryside, the richer this became. Here
was a treasure of woodland, and there a wealth of pasture: grey lichened
walls hoarded a precious park, keeping the timid deer in generous
custody: a silver stream stole between smiling hayfields, crept shadowed
and cool under the dusty road and, beyond, braided a spreading cloth of
golden buttercups, that glowed with a soft brilliancy, such as no
handicraft on earth could coax from the hard heart of costly metal.

Presently we left the main road to sail up a curling hill, and over and
down past a fair steading into a friendly valley, where the cattle stood
drowsy under the shelter of giant chestnut trees, and luxuriant
hawthorns in full blossom filled all the neighbouring air with timely
sweetness. At the bidding of an aged finger-post Jonah turned to the
left, and a moment later the car was scudding up a leafy lane,
high-banked, narrow, and soon so screened and arched with foliage that
in a little we were being swept through a veritable tunnel, seemingly
driven through the living green. More than once the lane changed
direction, but the tunnel held: the ground was rising, but we sailed on,
the steady purr of the engine swelling into a low snarl as we swung to
right and left between the cool green walls....

As we slid through Marvel, the clock of the old grey church showed us
that it was five and twenty to one. We were in good time, for now but a
short seven miles lay between us and the village which we sought.

Jonah settled himself in his seat and prepared to cover the last lap at
an easier pace....

Before we had realized what was happening, it was all over.

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