John H. Young - Our Deportment
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John H. Young >> Our Deportment
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OUR DEPORTMENT
Or the Manners, Conduct and Dress of the Most Refined Society;
INCLUDING
Forms for Letters, Invitations, Etc., Etc. Also, Valuable
Suggestions on Home Culture and Training.
Compiled from the Latest Reliable Authorities,
by
JOHN H. YOUNG, A.M.
Revised and Illustrated.
[Illustration]
F. B. Dickerson & Co.,
Detroit, Mich. St. Louis, Mo.
Pennsylvania Publishing Co.,
Harrisburgh, Pa.
Union Publishing House,
Chicago, Ill.
1881.
[Illustration]
To go through this life with good manners possessed,
Is to be kind unto all, rich, poor and oppressed,
For kindness and mercy are balms that will heal
The sorrows, the pains, and the woes that we feel.
[Illustration]
Copyrighted
by
Freeman B. Dickerson,
1879 and 1881.
[Illustration]
Preface.
No one subject is of more importance to people generally than a
knowledge of the rules, usages and ceremonies of good society, which are
commonly expressed by the word "Etiquette." Its necessity is felt
wherever men and women associate together, whether in the city, village,
or country town, at home or abroad. To acquire a thorough knowledge of
these matters, and to put that knowledge into practice with perfect ease
and self-complacency, is what people call good breeding. To display an
ignorance of them, is to subject the offender to the opprobrium of being
ill-bred.
In the compilation of this work, the object has been to present the
usages and rules which govern the most refined American society, and to
impart that information which will enable any one, in whatever
circumstances of life to acquire the perfect ease of a gentleman, or
the gentle manners and graceful deportment of a well-bred lady, whose
presence will be sought for, and who, by their graceful deportment will
learn the art of being at home in any good society.
The work is so arranged, that every subject is conveniently classified
and subdivided; it is thus an easy matter to refer at once to any given
subject. It has been the aim of the compiler to give minutely all points
that are properly embraced in a work on etiquette, even upon matters of
seemingly trivial importance. Upon some hitherto disputed points, those
rules are given, which are sustained by the best authorities and
endorsed by good sense.
As the work is not the authorship of any one individual, and as no
individual, whatever may be his acquirements, could have the presumption
to dictate rules for the conduct of society in general, it is therefore
only claimed that it is a careful compilation from all the best and
latest authorities upon the subject of etiquette and kindred matters,
while such additional material has been embraced within its pages, as,
it is hoped, will be found of benefit and interest to every American
household.
J.H.Y.
[Illustration]
Contents.
CHAPTER I.
PAGE.
INTRODUCTORY 13
CHAPTER II.
MANNERS.
Good manners as an element of worldly success--Manner an index of
character--The true gentleman--The true lady--Importance of
trifles--Value of pleasing manners--Personal appearance enhanced and
fortunes made by pleasing manners--Politeness the outgrowth of good
manners 20
CHAPTER III.
INTRODUCTIONS.
Acquaintances thus formed--Promiscuous, informal and casual
introductions--Introduction of a gentleman to a lady and a lady to a
gentleman--Introduction at a ball--The manner of introduction--Introducing
relatives--Obligatory introductions--Salutations after
introduction--Introducing one's self--Letters of introduction--How they
are to be delivered--Duty of a person to whom a letter of introduction is
addressed--Letters of introduction for business purposes 31
CHAPTER IV.
SALUTATIONS.
The salutation originally an act of worship--Its form in different
nations--The bow, its proper mode--Words of salutation--Manner of
bowing--Duties of the young to older people--How to avoid
recognition--Etiquette of handshaking--Kissing as a mode of
salutation--The kiss of friendship--The kiss of respect 42
CHAPTER V.
ETIQUETTE ON CALLS.
Morning calls--Evening calls--Rules for formal calls--Calls at Summer
resorts--Reception days--Calls made by cards--Returning the first
call--Calls after a betrothal takes place--Forming new acquaintance by
calls--The first call, by whom to be made--Calls of
Congratulation--Visits of condolence--Keeping an account of
calls--Evening visits--"Engaged" or "not at home" to callers--General
rules relative to calls--New Year's calls 52
CHAPTER VI.
ETIQUETTE ON VISITING.
General invitations not to be accepted--The limit of a prolonged
visit--Duties of a visitor--Duties of the host or hostess--True
hospitality--Leave-taking--Invitations to guests--Forbearance with
children--Guests making presents--Treatment of a host's friends 69
CHAPTER VII.
ETIQUETTE OF CARDS.
Visiting and calling cards--Their size and style--Wedding cards--Leaving
cards in calling--Cards for mother and daughter--Cards not to be sent in
envelopes to return formal calls--Glazed cards not in fashion--P.P.C.
cards--Cards of congratulation--When sent--Leave cards in making first
calls of the season and after invitations--Mourning cards--Christmas and
Easter cards--Cards of condolence--Bridegroom's card. 75
CHAPTER VIII.
CONVERSATION.
Character revealed by conversation--Importance of conversing
well--Children should be trained to talk well--Cultivation of the
memory--Importance of remembering names--How Henry Clay acquired this
habit--Listening--Writing down one's thoughts--Requisites for a good
talker--Vulgarisms--Flippancy--Sympathizing with another--Bestowing
compliments--Slang--Flattery--Scandal and gossip--Satire and
ridicule--Religion and politics to be avoided--Bestowing of
titles--Interrupting another while talking--Adaptability in
conversation--Correct use of words--Speaking one's mind--Profanity
--Display of knowledge--Double entendres--Impertinent questions
--Things to be avoided in conversation--Hobbies--Fault-finding
--Disputes 84
CHAPTER IX.
DINNER PARTIES.
Dinners are entertainments for married people--Whom to invite--Forms of
invitations--Punctuality required--The success of a dinner party--Table
appointments--Proper size of a dinner party--Arrangement of guests at
table--Serving dinner a la Russe--Duties of servants--Serving the
dishes--General rules regarding dinner--Waiting on others--Monopolizing
conversation--Duties of hostess and host--Retiring from the table--Calls
required after a dinner party--Returning hospitalities--Expensive
dinners not the most enjoyable--Wines at dinners 106
CHAPTER X.
TABLE ETIQUETTE.
Importance of acquiring good habits at the table--Table appointments for
breakfast, luncheon and dinner--Use of the knife and fork--Of the
napkin--Avoid fast eating and all appearance of greediness--General
rules on the subject 123
CHAPTER XI.
RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS.
Morning receptions--The dress and refreshments for
them--Invitations--Musical matinees--Parties in the country--Five
o'clock teas and kettle-drums--Requisites for a successful
ball--Introductions at a ball--Receiving guests--The number to
invite--Duties of the guests--General rules to be observed at
balls--Some suggestions for gentlemen--Duties of an escort--Preparations
for a ball--The supper--An after-call required 129
CHAPTER XII.
STREET ETIQUETTE.
The street manners of a lady--Forming street acquaintances--Recognizing
friends in the street--Saluting a lady--Passing through a crowd--The
first to bow--Do not lack politeness--How a lady and gentleman should
walk together--When to offer the lady the arm--Going up and down
stairs--Smoking in the streets--Carrying packages--Meeting a lady
acquaintance--Corner loafers--Shouting in the street--Shopping
etiquette--For public conveyances--Cutting acquaintances--General
suggestions 145
CHAPTER XIII.
ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES.
Conduct in church--Invitations to opera, theatres and concerts--Conduct
in public assemblages--Remain until the performance closes--Conduct in
picture galleries--Behavior at charity fairs--Conduct at an artist's
studio 157
CHAPTER XIV.
TRAVELING ETIQUETTE.
Courtesies shown to ladies traveling alone--Duties of an escort--Duties
of a lady to her escort--Ladies should assist other ladies traveling
alone--The seats to be occupied in a railway car--Discretion to be used
in forming acquaintances in traveling 167
CHAPTER XV.
RIDING AND DRIVING.
Learning to ride on horseback--The gentleman's duty as an escort in
riding--How to assist a lady to mount--Riding with ladies--Assisting a
lady to alight from a horse--Driving--The seat of honor in a
carriage--Trusting the driver 174
CHAPTER XVI.
COURTSHIP.
Proper conduct of gentlemen and ladies toward each other--Premature
declaration of love--Love at first sight--Proper manner of
courtship--Parents should exercise authority over daughters--An
acceptable suitor--Requirements for a happy marriage--Proposals of
marriage--A gentleman should not press an unwelcome suit--A lady's
refusal--A doubtful answer--Unladylike conduct toward a suitor--The
rejected suitor--Asking consent of parents--Presents after
engagement--Conduct and relations of the engaged couple--Lovers'
quarrels--Breaking an engagement 179
CHAPTER XVII.
WEDDING ETIQUETTE.
Choice of bridemaids and groomsmen or ushers--The bridal costume
Costumes of bridegroom and ushers--Presents of the bride and
bridegroom--Ceremonials at church when there are no bridemaids or
ushers--Invitations to the ceremony alone--The latest
ceremonials--Weddings at home--The evening wedding--"At home"
receptions--Calls--The wedding ring--Marriage ceremonials of a
widow--Form of invitations to a reception--Duties of invited guests--Of
bridemaids and ushers--Bridal presents--Master of ceremonies--Wedding
fees--Congratulations--The bridal tour 194
CHAPTER XVIII.
HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE.
Home the woman's kingdom--Home companionship--Conduct of husband and
wife--Duties of the wife to her husband--The wife a helpmate--The
husband's duties 208
CHAPTER XIX.
HOME TRAINING.
First lessons learned at home--Parents should set good examples to their
children--Courtesies in the home circle--Early moral training of
children--The formation of their habits--Politeness at home--Train
children for some occupation--Bad temper--Selfishness--Home maxims 216
CHAPTER XX.
HOME CULTURE.
Cultivate moral courage--The pernicious influence of
indolence--Self-respect--Result of good breeding at home--Fault-finding
and grumbling--Family jars not to be made public--Conflicting
interests--Religious education--Obedience--Influence of example--The
influence of books 225
CHAPTER XXI.
WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION.
Its importance--Train young women to some occupation--Education of girls
too superficial--An education appropriate to each sex--Knowledge of the
laws of health needed by women--Idleness the source of all misery--A
spirit of independence--Health and life dependent upon a higher
culture--Cultivation of the moral sense 233
CHAPTER XXII.
THE LETTER WRITER.
Letter writing is an indication of good breeding--Requirements for
correct writing--Anonymous letters--Note paper to be used--Forms of
letters and notes--Forms of addressing notes and letters--Forms of
signature--Letters of introduction--When to be given--Notes of
invitation and replies thereto--Acceptances and regrets--Formal
invitations must be answered--Letters of friendship--Love
letters--Business letters and correspondence--Form of letter requesting
employment--Regarding the character of a servant--Forms for notes,
drafts, bills and receipts 242
CHAPTER XXIII.
GENERAL RULES TO GOVERN CONDUCT.
Attention to the young in society--Gracefulness of carriage--Attitude,
coughing, sneezing, etc.--Anecdotes, puns, etc.--A sweet and pure
breath--Smoking--A good listener--Give precedence to others--Be moderate
in speaking--Singing and playing in society--Receiving and making
presents--Governing our moods--A lady driving with a gentleman--An
invitation cannot be recalled--Avoid talking of personalities--Shun gossip
and tale bearing--Removing the hat--Intruding on privacy--Politeness
--Adapting yourself to others--Contradicting--A woman's good name
--Expressing unfavorable opinions--Vulgarities--Miscellaneous rules
governing conduct--Washington's maxims 266
CHAPTER XXIV.
ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.
How and when they are celebrated--The paper, cotton and leather
weddings--The wooden wedding--The tin wedding--The crystal wedding--The
silver wedding--The golden wedding--The diamond wedding--Presents at
anniversary weddings--Forms of invitations, etc. 285
CHAPTER XXV.
BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS.
Naming the child--The christening--Godparents or sponsors--Presents from
godparents--The ceremony--The breakfast--Christening gifts--The hero of
the day--Fees 291
CHAPTER XXVI
FUNERALS.
Death notices and funeral invitations--Arrangement for the funeral--The
house of mourning--Conducting the funeral services--The pall-bearers
--Order of the procession--Floral and other decorations--Calls upon the
bereaved family--Seclusion of the family 296
CHAPTER XXVII.
ETIQUETTE AT WASHINGTON.
Social duties required of the President and his family--Receptions at
the White House--Order of official rank--Duties required of members of
the cabinet and their families--How to address officials--The first to
visit 303
CHAPTER XXVIII.
ETIQUETTE OF FOREIGN COURTS.
Foreign titles--Royalty--The nobility--The gentry--Esquires--Imperial
rank--European titles--Presentation at the court of St. James--Those
eligible and ineligible for presentation--Preliminaries--Presentation
costumes 308
CHAPTER XXIX.
BUSINESS.
The example of a merchant prince--Keep your temper--Honesty the best
policy--Form good habits--Breaking an appointment--Prompt payment of
bills, notes and drafts--General suggestions 315
CHAPTER XXX.
DRESS.
Requirements for dressing well--Perils of the love of dress to weak
minds--Consistency in dress--Extravagance--Indifference to
dress--Appropriate dress--The wearing of gloves--Evening or full dress
for gentlemen--Morning dress for gentlemen--Evening or full dress for
ladies--Ball dresses--The full dinner dress--For receiving and making
morning calls--Morning dress for street--Carriage dress--Promenade dress
and walking suit--Opera dress--The riding dress--For women of
business--Ordinary evening dress--For a social party--Dress for the
theater, lecture and concert--Archery, croquet and skating
costumes--Bathing dress--For traveling--The bridal costume--Dress of
bridemaids--At wedding receptions--Mourning dress--How long mourning
should be worn 320
CHAPTER XXXI.
COLORS AND THEIR HARMONY IN DRESS.
The proper arrangement of colors--The colors adapted to different
persons--Material for dress--Size in relation to color and dress--A list
of colors that harmonize 341
CHAPTER XXXII.
THE TOILET.
Importance of neatness and cleanliness--Perfumes--The bath--The teeth
and their care--The skin--The eyes, eyelashes and brows--The hair and
beard--The hands and feet 351
CHAPTER XXXIII.
TOILET RECIPES.
To remove freckles, pimples and sunburn--To beautify the complexion--To
prevent the hair falling out--Pomades and hair oils--Sea foam or dry
shampoo--To prevent the hair turning gray--To soften the skin--To
cleanse the teeth--Remedy for chapped hands--For corns and chilblains,
etc. 372
CHAPTER XXXIV.
SPORTS, GAMES AND AMUSEMENTS.
Archery and its practice--Lawn Tennis--Boating--Picnics--Private
Theatricals--Card playing 398
CHAPTER XXXV.
LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS, 410
CHAPTER XXXVI.
PRECIOUS STONES, 423
CHAPTER I.
Introductory.
"Ingenious Art with her expressive face,
Steps forth to fashion and refine the race."--COWPER.
A knowledge of etiquette has been defined to be a knowledge of the rules
of society at its best. These rules have been the outgrowth of centuries
of civilization, had their foundation in friendship and love of man for
his fellow man--the vital principles of Christianity--and are most
powerful agents for promoting peace, harmony and good will among all
people who are enjoying the blessings of more advanced civilized
government. In all civilized countries the influence of the best society
is of great importance to the welfare and prosperity of the nation, but
in no country is the good influence of the most refined society more
powerfully felt than in our own, "the land of the future, where mankind
may plant, essay, and resolve all social problems." These rules make
social intercourse more agreeable, and facilitate hospitalities, when
all members of society hold them as binding rules and faithfully regard
their observance. They are to society what our laws are to the people as
a political body, and to disregard them will give rise to constant
misunderstandings, engender ill-will, and beget bad morals and bad
manners.
Says an eminent English writer: "On manners, refinement, rules of good
breeding, and even the forms of etiquette, we are forever talking,
judging our neighbors severely by the breach of traditionary and
unwritten laws, and choosing our society and even our friends by the
touchstone of courtesy." The Marchioness de Lambert expressed opinions
which will be endorsed by the best bred people everywhere when she wrote
to her son: "Nothing is more shameful than a voluntary rudeness. Men
have found it necessary as well as agreeable to unite for the common
good; they have made laws to restrain the wicked; they have agreed among
themselves as to the duties of society, and have annexed an honorable
character to the practice of those duties. He is the honest man who
observes them with the most exactness, and the instances of them
multiply in proportion to the degree of nicety of a person's honor."
Originally a gentleman was defined to be one who, without any title of
nobility, wore a coat of arms. And the descendants of many of the early
colonists preserve with much pride and care the old armorial bearings
which their ancestors brought with them from their homes in the mother
country. Although despising titles and ignoring the rights of kings,
they still clung to the "grand old name of gentleman." But race is no
longer the only requisite for a gentleman, nor will race united with
learning and wealth make a man a gentleman, unless there are present the
kind and gentle qualities of the heart, which find expression in the
principles of the Golden Rule. Nor will race, education and wealth
combined make a woman a true lady if she shows a want of refinement and
consideration of the feelings of others.
Good manners are only acquired by education and observation, followed up
by habitual practice at home and in society, and good manners reveal to
us the lady and the gentleman. He who does not possess them, though he
bear the highest title of nobility, cannot expect to be called a
gentleman; nor can a woman, without good manners, aspire to be
considered a lady by ladies. Manners and morals are indissolubly allied,
and no society can be good where they are bad. It is the duty of
American women to exercise their influence to form so high a standard of
morals and manners that the tendency of society will be continually
upwards, seeking to make it the best society of any nation.
As culture is the first requirement of good society, so self-improvement
should be the aim of each and all of its members. Manners will improve
with the cultivation of the mind, until the pleasure and harmony of
social intercourse are no longer marred by the introduction of
discordant elements, and they only will be excluded from the best
society whose lack of education and whose rude manners will totally
unfit them for its enjoyments and appreciation. Good manners are even
more essential to harmony in society than a good education, and may be
considered as valuable an acquisition as knowledge in any form.
The principles of the Golden Rule, "whatsoever ye would that men should
do to you, do ye even so to them," is the basis of all true
politeness--principles which teach us to forget ourselves, to be kind to
our neighbors, and to be civil even to our enemies. The appearance of so
being and doing is what society demands as good manners, and the man or
woman trained to this mode of life is regarded as well-bred. The people,
thus trained, are easy to get along with, for they are as quick to make
an apology when they have been at fault, as they are to accept one when
it is made. "The noble-hearted only understand the noble-hearted."
In a society where the majority are rude from the thoughtfulness of
ignorance, or remiss from the insolence of bad breeding, the iron rule,
"Do unto others, as they do unto you," is more often put into practice
than the golden one. The savages know nothing of the virtues of
forgiveness, and regard those who are not revengeful as wanting in
spirit; so the ill-bred do not understand undeserved civilities extended
to promote the general interests of society, and to carry out the
injunction of the Scriptures to strive after the things that make for
peace.
Society is divided into sets, according to their breeding. One set may
be said to have no breeding at all, another to have a little, another
more, and another enough; and between the first and last of these, there
are more shades than in the rainbow. Good manners are the same in
essence everywhere--at courts, in fashionable society, in literary
circles, in domestic life--they never change, but social observances,
customs and points of etiquette, vary with the age and with the people.
A French writer has said: "To be truly polite, it is necessary to be, at
the same time, good, just, and generous. True politeness is the outward
visible sign of those inward spiritual graces called modesty,
unselfishness and generosity. The manners of a gentleman are the index
of his soul. His speech is innocent, because his life is pure; his
thoughts are right, because his actions are upright; his bearing is
gentle, because his feelings, his impulses, and his training are gentle
also. A gentleman is entirely free from every kind of pretence. He
avoids homage, instead of exacting it. Mere ceremonies have no
attraction for him. He seeks not to say any civil things, but to do
them. His hospitality, though hearty and sincere, will be strictly
regulated by his means. His friends will be chosen for their good
qualities and good manners; his servants for their truthfulness and
honesty; his occupations for their usefulness, their gracefulness or
their elevating tendencies, whether moral, mental or political."
In the same general tone does Ruskin describe a gentleman, when he says:
"A gentleman's first characteristic is that fineness of structure in
the body which renders it capable of the most delicate sensation, and of
that structure in the mind which renders it capable of the most delicate
sympathies--one may say, simply, 'fineness of nature.' This is, of
course, compatible with the heroic bodily strength and mental firmness;
in fact, heroic strength is not conceivable without such delicacy.
Elephantine strength may drive its way through a forest and feel no
touch of the boughs, but the white skin of Homer's Atrides would have
felt a bent rose-leaf, yet subdue its feelings in the glow of battle and
behave itself like iron. I do not mean to call an elephant a vulgar
animal; but if you think about him carefully, you will find that his
non-vulgarity consists in such gentleness as is possible to elephantine
nature--not in his insensitive hide nor in his clumsy foot, but in the
way he will lift his foot if a child lies in his way, and in his
sensitive trunk and still more sensitive mind and capability of pique on
points of honor. Hence it will follow that one of the probable signs of
high breeding in men generally, will be their kindness and mercifulness,
these always indicating more or less firmness of make in the mind."
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