Nasreddin Hoca - The Turkish Jester
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Nasreddin Hoca >> The Turkish Jester
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THE TURKISH JESTER;
OR,
THE PLEASANTRIES
OF
COGIA NASR EDDIN EFENDI.
TRANSLATED FROM THE TURKISH
BY
GEORGE BORROW.
IPSWICH:
W. WEBBER, DIAL LANE,
1884.
THE PLEASANTRIES OF COGIA NASR EDDIN EFENDI
'A breeze, which pleasant stories bears,
Relicks of long departed years.'
The story goes, one of the stories of a hundred, that Cogia Nasr Eddin
Efendi one day ascending into the pulpit to preach, said, 'O believers,
do ye not know what I am going to say to you?' The congregation
answered, 'Dear Cogia Efendi, we do not know.' Then said the Cogia,
'What shall I say to you until you do know?' One day the Cogia ascending
again into the pulpit, said, 'O Mussulmen, do ye not know what I am going
to say to you?' 'We do know,' they replied. Then said the Cogia, 'Some
of ye do know already, what should I have to say to you?' Then
descending from the chair he went out. The assembly separated quite
astonished, and, when they were out, continued to say, 'Which are those
of us who know? Which are those who do not know?' The Cogia one day
again mounting the chair in the same manner, said, 'O brothers, when I
said to ye, "Do you know what I shall say?" there were some who said, "We
know," others said, "We do not." It were now well that those among ye
who knew what the Cogia said should teach those that did not.'
One day Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi said, 'O Mussulmen, give thanks to God
Most High that He did not give the camel wings; for, had He given them,
they would have perched upon your houses and chimneys, and have caused
them to tumble upon your heads.'
One day Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi having mounted the chair in a city, said,
'O Mussulmen, the air above this city is just like the air above my
city.' The congregation said, 'O Cogia Efendi, how do you know that?'
Said the Cogia, 'Because I have seen as many stars above this city as I
saw above Belgrade.'
One night the Cogia dreamt that he was given nine aspres, whereupon the
Cogia said, 'O now pray make them up ten'; afterwards he said, 'Make them
up eleven,' and then presently, a dispute having arisen, he awoke and saw
that in his hand he had nothing, thereupon closing his eyes anew and
stretching out his hands, he said, 'Well, well, I shall be content with
nine aspres.'
One day the Cogia went out into the plain, and as he was going along he
suddenly saw some men on horseback coming towards him. Cogia Efendi, in
a great hurry, set off towards a cemetery, and having reached it took off
his clothes, and entering into a tomb lay down. The horsemen, on seeing
the Cogia run away, followed him to the place where he lay, and said, 'O
fellow, why do you lie here?' Cogia Efendi, finding nothing else to say,
replied, 'I am one of the buried people, but came here to walk.'
Cogia Efendi one day went into a garden, pulled up some carrots and
turnips and other kinds of vegetables, which he found, putting some into
a sack and some into his bosom; suddenly the gardener coming up, laid
hold of him, and said, 'What are you seeking here?' The Cogia, being in
great consternation, not finding any other reply, answered, 'For some
days past a great wind has been blowing, and that wind blew me hither.'
'But who pulled up these vegetables?' said the gardener. 'As the wind
blew very violently,' replied the Cogia, 'it cast me here and there, and
whatever I laid hold of in the hope of saving myself remained in my
hands.' 'Ah,' said the gardener, 'but who filled the sack with them?'
'Well,' said the Cogia, 'that is the very question I was about to ask
myself when you came up.'
One day Cogia Efendi, on whom God be merciful, went to the city of Conia,
and going into a pastry-cook's shop, seized hold of a tart, and saying,
'In the Name of God,' began to eat it. The pastry-cook cried out,
'Halloa, fellow, what are you about?' and fell to beating him. The Cogia
said, 'Oh what a fine country is this of Conia, in which, whilst a man
eats a tart, they put in a blow as a digester for every morsel.'
Cogia Nasr Eddin, at the time of the Holy Ramadan, thought to himself,
'What must I do in order to hold the fast in conformity with the people?
I must prepare an earthen pot, and every day put a stone into it, and
when thirty days are completed I may hold my Beiram.' So he commenced
placing stones in the pot, one every day. Now it happened one day that a
daughter of the Cogia cast a handful of stones into the pot, and a little
time after some people asked the Cogia, 'What day of the month is it to-
day?' Now it happened to be the twenty-fifth. The Cogia, however, said
to them, 'Have patience and I will see'; and going to his house and
emptying the pot, perceived that there were a hundred and twenty stones
in it. Says the Cogia to himself, 'If I tell the people all this number
they will call me a fool.' So going to them he said, 'This day is the
forty-fifth day of the month.' But, said they, 'O Cogia, a month has in
all but thirty days, so how can you say that to-day is the forty-fifth?'
'I spoke quite within bounds,' said the Cogia. 'If you were to see the
account in the pot you would find that to-day is the hundred and
twentieth.'
One day the Cogia was asked, 'When there is a new moon, what becomes of
the old one?' 'They make forty stars out of each,' said the Cogia.
One day the Cogia went out of the city along with a cafila or caravan of
people, and felt a wish to ride. Now there was a camel belonging to the
cafila, and the Cogia said to himself, 'Now, if instead of walking I
should mount on this camel, how comfortably could I travel!' Thereupon
mounting on the camel, he proceeded along with the cafila. The camel,
however, falling to kicking, flung the Cogia to the earth and knelt upon
him. The Cogia cried out loudly, and the people of the cafila came and
rescued him. After a little time the Cogia, coming to his senses, said,
'O Mussulmen, did you not see how that perfidious camel maltreated me?
Now do hold the perfidious brute for me, that I may cut its throat.'
One day the Cogia bought a quantity of eggs at the rate of nine for the
aspre, and carrying them to another place, he sold them at the rate of
ten. Some people asking him, 'Why do you sell ten for what you gave for
nine?' the Cogia replied, 'I always wish my friends to see that I lose by
my bargains.'
One day the Cogia walking along the plain met a heifer, and forthwith
laying thievish hands upon it, led it straight to his house, where he
slaughtered it and stripped off the skin. The proprietor soon appeared
before the Cogia's house, making a loud cry and lamentation. 'Who would
have thought,' said the Cogia to his people and his wife, 'that my
flaying the heifer would have made that fellow's face look so black?'
One day the Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi passing along the bazaar, an
individual coming up to him said, 'Pray, Cogia, what is the moon to-day?
Is it at three or four?' 'I don't know,' said the Cogia. 'I neither buy
nor sell the moon.'
One day the Cogia taking a ladder on his shoulder, placed it against a
garden wall, and mounting, got over, taking the ladder with him. The
gardener seeing him said, 'Who are you? and what do you want here?' 'I
am come to sell this ladder,' said the Cogia without hesitation. 'Is
this a place for selling a ladder?' said the gardener. 'O you foolish
man,' said the Cogia, 'cannot a ladder be sold anywhere?'
Nasr Eddin Efendi one day taking hold of some fowls one by one, tied some
strips of an apron round their throats, and then let them go. The
learned men having assembled round the Cogia, said, 'What was the matter
with these fowls?' Said the Cogia, 'They merely went into mourning for
their slaughtered mothers.'
One day a bull mounted a young cow of the Cogia's. The Cogia seeing what
he was about, took a staff in his hand and ran towards him. The bull
fled towards the car of a Turcoman, to which seven other oxen were
attached. The Cogia keeping the ox in view, ran after him, and with the
staff in his hand struck the ox several blows. 'Halloa, man!' said the
Turcoman. 'What do you want with my ox?' 'Don't you interfere, you
foolish dog,' said the Cogia. 'He knows full well what he has done.'
One day the Cogia made his last will. 'When I die,' said he, 'place me
in an old tomb.' When the people about him said, 'Why do you make this
request?' the Cogia said, 'When the inquiring angels come and ask me
questions, I can say, "I am deaf. Do you not see that I as well as my
tomb am old?"'
One day Cogia Efendi, putting on very short habiliments, went to the
mosque to say his prayers. Whilst performing the rakoua the man who was
behind him perceiving the Cogia's --- seized hold of them and squeezed
them, whereupon the Cogia, seizing hold of those of the man who was
before him, squeezed them too; the man, turning round and perceiving that
it was Cogia Efendi himself, said, 'Halloa, what are you about?' 'You
must ask the man behind me,' said the Cogia.
One day the boys of Belgrade took the Cogia along with them into the
bath. They had secretly brought in their pouches a number of eggs. One
and all going into the bathing-house, took off their clothes and went in,
and then, sitting down on the bench, they all said to one another, 'Come,
let us lay eggs: whosoever does not lay an egg shall pay the expenses of
the bath'; after which they began to make a great noise, cackling like
hens, and flinging the eggs which they had brought on the stone bench.
Cogia Efendi, seeing what they were about, suddenly began to make a great
noise and crow like a cock. 'What are you about, Cogia Efendi?' said the
boys. 'Why,' said he, 'is not a cock necessary where there are so many
hens?'
One day the Cogia, putting on black clothes, went out. The people,
looking at him, said, 'Cogia Efendi, for whose death are you in
mourning?' The Cogia answered, 'My son's father is dead, and I wear
mourning for him.'
One day Cogia, returning from the harvest field, felt very thirsty.
Looking around, he saw that they watered a tree by means of a pipe from a
fountain. The Cogia exclaimed, 'I must drink,' and pulled at the spout,
and as he did so the water, spouting forth with violence, wetted the
mouth and head of the Cogia, who, in a great rage, said, 'They watered
this wretched tree in order that one fool might wet another.'
One day the Cogia, taking some water melons with him, went to the
mountain in order to cut wood. Feeling thirsty, he cut one of the
melons, and, putting it to his mouth, cast it away, saying that it was
tasteless. He then cut up another, and, to be short, he cut them all up,
and, having eaten a little of each, made water over what remained. He
then fell to work at cutting wood. After some time the Cogia again
became thirsty, and finding no water, he went to the bits of the melons
which he had cut up, and saying, 'This is sprinkled, and this is
sprinkled,' ate them all.
Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi had a lamb which he had fattened to a high
degree. One day some of his friends having assembled, said, 'Let us get
the lamb from the Cogia and feast upon it.' So coming to the Cogia as
quick as possible, they said, 'O Cogia, to-morrow is the Day of Judgment;
what would you do with this lamb? Come, take it, and let us eat it.' The
Cogia, however, would not believe them. Coming again, however, they said
the same thing, and the Cogia, at last believing their words were true,
slaughtered the lamb, and, taking it on his back, he carried it to the
public walk, and, lighting a fire, he began to prepare a roast.
Presently, stripping their bodies, they delivered their clothes to the
Cogia, and each went aside to sleep. Whereupon the Cogia, taking their
garments, flung them all into the fire and burnt them. In a little time,
their bellies becoming hungry from the sleep they had had, they came
again, and saw that their garments were nearly reduced to a coal.
Whereupon they said to the Cogia, 'Who burnt our clothes?' 'My dear
friends,' replied the Cogia, 'to-morrow is the Day of Resurrection, so
what need can you have of clothes?'
One day a thief, entering the house of the Cogia, laid hold of everything
there was there, and, placing it on his back, went away. The Cogia,
however, spying somebody going out, followed the thief, who went into his
own house. The Cogia following close behind, pushed against him at the
door. Whereupon the thief said, 'What do you want, Cogia Efendi?' 'What
do I want?' said the Cogia. 'Why, are we not going to remove hither to-
day?'
One day certain individuals stole from the Cogia a sum of money,
whereupon the Cogia said, 'O Lord, what need have you that you give my
money to others.' So he made a dreadful outcry, and going into the
mosque, wept until it was morning, groaning like a ship labouring in the
sea. Those who were there said, 'Ye who have found salvation make up a
sum of money for the Cogia.' So whosoever had found salvation through
the assistance of the Almighty made up what he could, and brought it to
the Cogia. Whereupon the Cogia exclaimed, 'Allah, Allah! by lying one
night publicly in the mosque and weeping, I have caused Allah to send me
my money again.'
One day the Cogia borrowed a cauldron of a brazier, and carrying it home,
put a little saucepan into it, and then carrying it back, returned it to
its owner. The owner seeing a little saucepan in the cauldron, said,
'What is this?' 'Why,' cried the Cogia, 'the cauldron has borne a
child'; whereupon the owner took possession of the saucepan. One day the
Cogia asked again for the cauldron, and having obtained it, carried it
home. The owner of the cauldron waited one day and even five days for
his utensil, but no cauldron coming, he went to the house of the Cogia
and knocked at the door. The Cogia coming to the door, said, 'What do
you want?' 'The cauldron,' said the man. 'Oh, set your heart at rest,'
said the Cogia, 'the cauldron is dead.' 'O Cogia,' said the man, 'can a
cauldron die?' 'Oh,' said the Cogia, 'as you believed it could bear a
child, why should you not believe that it can die?'
One day the Cogia, walking amongst the sepulchres, saw a large dog lying
upon a gravestone. The Cogia, in a great rage laying hold on a stick,
aimed a blow at the dog, who in his turn assaulted the Cogia. The Cogia
fearing that he should be torn to pieces, said to the dog, 'Get you gone:
I conquered. Get you gone.'
One day the Cogia laying hold on a crane, took it home, and saying that
its beak and feet were very long, cut them off with a knife; and placing
it on a lofty place, said, 'Now you look like a bird.'
One day the Cogia having made his broth very hot, burnt his mouth, and
making a great outcry, ran into the street, saying, 'Make way, brothers:
there is a fire in my belly.'
A Moolah, who had travelled about Arabia, Persia, Hindustan, and, in a
word, the whole seven climes without finding any one who could answer his
questions, was told by a man, 'In this country there is a man called
Cogia Nasr Eddin, who will answer your questions if any one can.' The
Moolah arising, went straight to Belgrade, where he bought an aspre's
worth of pomegranates, which he placed in his bosom. Going out of the
suburbs of Belgrade, he saw a man going to his labour; now this was the
Cogia himself. Going up to him he saw a man like a fakeah, with shoes of
raw hide on his feet and a kiebbeh or rough cloak on his back. When he
was close by him he said to him, 'Salaam'; and the Cogia saying to him,
'Peace be unto you,' said, 'Moolah Efendi, for what have you come?' The
Moolah replied, 'Can you answer a question which I shall ask?' The Cogia
said, 'I can.' 'Do you know so-and-so?' The Cogia said, 'I can do
nothing without being paid. What will you give me?' The Moolah taking
the pomegranates which were in his bosom, gave him one; whereupon the
Cogia answered his question, and got all his pomegranates, one by one,
till not a single grain remained. The Moolah then said, 'I have yet one
question to ask.' The Cogia replied, 'Go your way: don't trouble me. The
pomegranates are spent.' Whereupon the Moolah went away, saying, 'If the
labourers of Moom are of this description, what must the learned men be?'
One day the Cogia saw a great many ducks playing on the top of a
fountain. The Cogia, running towards them, said, 'I'll catch you';
whereupon they all rose up and took to flight. The Cogia, taking a
little bread in his hand, sat down on the side of the fountain, and
crumbling the bread in the fountain, fell to eating. A person coming up,
said, 'What are you eating?' 'Duck broth,' replied the Cogia.
One day the Cogia having bought a liver, was carrying it to his house;
suddenly a kite, swooping from above with a loud scream, seized the
liver, and flew off with it. The Cogia remained staring after it, but
saw that it was impossible to recover his meat. Making up his mind, he
ran up to the top of an eminence, and a person passing below with a liver
in his hand, the Cogia darted down and snatched the liver out of the
person's hand, and ran again up the rock. 'Hallo, Cogia,' said the man,
'what are you about?' 'I was merely playing the kite out of fun,' said
the Cogia.
A person coming to Nasr Eddin Efendi, requested him to let him have a
rope. The Cogia went into his house, and coming out again, said, 'The
rope is striking ten.' 'How can a rope strike ten?' said the man. 'It
will always be striking ten,' said the Cogia, 'till I feel inclined to
give you the rope.'
One day the Cogia put some fowls into a cage and set out for the castle
of Siouri. As he was going along he said to himself, 'These poor
wretches are here imprisoned: I think I may as well give them a little
liberty.' So he let them all out, and all the hens ran off in one
direction or another. The Cogia taking a stick in his hand, placed
himself before the cock, pushing him and driving him, saying, 'O you who
in the middle of the night knowest when it is morning, how is it that in
broad day thou knowest not the way to the castle?'
One day as the Cogia was wandering amongst the tombs, by the side of the
way he fell into an old tomb, and making believe as if he were dead, he
said, 'Let me see Mounkhir. Is Nekir coming?' As he lay there stretched
at his length, it appeared to him that he heard from afar the voice of a
bell. 'It is the noise of the Day of Judgment,' said the Cogia, and
forthwith sprang out of the tomb. Now it happened that a caravan was
coming, and the Cogia, by putting out his head, frightened the camels,
who jostled each other in great confusion. No sooner did the conductors
see the Cogia than, seizing their cudgels, they said to him, 'You! Who
are you?' The Cogia said to them, 'I am one who is dead.' 'And what are
you doing here?' said the conductors. 'I merely came to take a walk,'
said the Cogia. 'We will now make you take a pretty walk,' said the
carriers, and instantly began belabouring him with their cudgels. The
Cogia, with tears streaming from his eyes, ran home. 'Where have you
been?' said his wife. 'I have been dead,' said the Cogia, 'and in the
tomb.' 'And what is there in the other world?' said his wife. 'Nothing,'
said the Cogia, 'provided you don't frighten carriers' camels.'
Once upon a time the Cogia was sent into Curdistan along with the
Ambassador. Whilst he was there the Curdish Beys invited the Cogia to a
feast which they had made in honour of him. The Cogia, putting on a
pelisse, went to the place of festival. During the entertainment he
chanced to belch. 'You do wrong to belch, Cogia Moolah Efendi,' said the
Beys. 'I am amongst Curds,' said the Cogia. 'How should they know a
Turkish belching, even though they hear it?'
One day the Cogia went with Cheragh Ahmed to the den of a wolf, in order
to see the cubs. Said the Cogia to Ahmed: 'Do you go in.' Ahmed did so.
The old wolf was abroad, but presently returning, tried to get into the
cave to its young. When it was about half-way in the Cogia seized hard
hold of it by the tail. The wolf in its struggles cast a quantity of
dust into the eyes of Ahmed. 'Hallo, Cogia,' he cried, 'what does this
dust mean?' 'If the wolf's tail breaks,' said the Cogia, 'you'll soon
see what the dust means.'
One day the Cogia mounted upon a tree, and, sitting upon a branch,
forthwith began to cut it. A person coming up said, 'Hallo, man! what
are you about? as soon as you have cut the branch you will fall.' The
Cogia made no answer, but went on cutting, and no sooner had he cut
through the bough than down fell the Cogia to the ground. Getting up, he
ran after the person, crying out, 'Ho, fellow, if you knew that I should
fall you also knew that I should kill myself,' and forthwith seized him
by the collar. The man, finding no other way to save himself, said,
'Leave hold of me and fling yourself down on the road face upwards. At
the first belching that you give half your soul will leave your body; at
the second, all will go and not a particle will remain.' The Cogia did
so, and at the second belching, laying himself down on the ground, he
cried, 'I am dead,' and remained motionless. Forthwith the Ulemas
hastened to him, and bringing with them a coffin, placed him in it,
saying, 'Let us carry him home.' On their way, coming to a miry place,
they said, 'We will rest,' and began to talk together. The Cogia,
forthwith raising his head from the coffin, said, 'If I were alive I
would get out of this place as quick as possible.'
One day the Cogia set about making a stable under the earth. As he was
digging, he got into a stable of one of his neighbours, in which he found
several oxen. The Cogia, very much rejoiced, went into his house, and
said, 'O wife, I have found a stable of oxen; a relic of the times of the
Caffirs. Now what will you give me for bringing you this piece of good
news?'
Nasr Eddin Efendi had two daughters. One day the two coming to see their
father, the Cogia said to them, 'Well, daughters, how do things go on
with you?' Now, the husband of one of them was a farmer, that of the
other was a maker of tiles. One of them said, 'My husband has sown a
great deal of corn; if there is plenty of rain my husband will give me a
new gown.' The other said, 'My husband is a tile-maker; he has made a
great quantity; if there is not a drop of rain he will give me a new
gown.' The Cogia said, 'One of you two may be worth a cucumber, but
which of the two God knows, I don't.'
One day the Cogia being at Siouri Castle he saw a great many people
assembled to look at the moon. 'What a strange land is this,' said the
Cogia. 'In our country they pay no attention to the moon when it is as
big as a cart wheel, but here, when it is quite new and of scarcely any
size, what a number of people assemble to look at it.'
Once as Nasr Eddin Efendi was walking in Belgrade he cried out, 'O Lord!
give me a thousand altoons, but if one be wanting I will not take the
rest.' Now these words of the Cogia were heard by a neighbour of his, a
Jew, who, in order to try the Cogia, put nine hundred and ninety-nine
altoons into a purse and flung it down the Cogia's chimney. The Cogia
sees a purse full of money before him, up he gets, and saying, 'Our
prayer has been accepted,' he opens the purse, and, counting the altoons,
finds that one is wanting. 'Never mind,' says he, 'He who gives these
can give one more,' and takes possession of the money. The Jew now began
to be in a fidget, and, getting up, knocked at the Cogia's door. 'Good
day, Cogia Efendi,' said he, 'please to give me back my altoons.' Quoth
the Cogia to the Jew, 'You are a merchant, and not a fool; I made a
request to God on high, He gave me what I asked; what business had you to
fling altoons to me?' The Jew said, 'O Cogia of my soul, I said I will
have a jest with you. On hearing you say, "If one is wanting I will not
take the rest," I said to myself, "I will see whether you will or not"; I
did it merely in jest.' 'Jest,' said the Cogia, 'I know nothing of jest;
I accepted the gold.' 'Come, come!' said the Jew, 'we will go before the
Judge.' Said the Cogia, 'I will not go on foot before the Judge.'
Thereupon the Jew brought the Cogia a mule. 'Very good,' said the Cogia,
'but I must now have a pelisse for my back.' The Jew brought him the
pelisse, and they set off to the tribunal of the Cadi. The Cadi asking
what they came for, the Jew said, 'This man took from me so many altoons
and now he denies having done so.' The Cadi looked in the Cogia's face,
whereupon the Cogia said, 'My Lord, I asked in prayer of the Most High a
thousand altoons, which He gave. On counting them, however, I found that
one was wanting, whereupon I said, "He who gives so many altoons will
doubtless give one more," and I accepted them; but, my Lord, this Jew
says that the pelisse which you see on my back, and the mule on which I
am mounted, are also his.' 'Yes, assuredly, my Lord,' said the Jew, 'for
mine they are both.' No sooner had he said these words than every one
cried out, 'Upon you, you Jew rascal,' and, rushing upon him, they broke
his head and kicked him out of the tribunal, and the Cogia was sent home
to his house in triumph, not only with the altoons but the pelisse and
the mule beside.