Nasreddin Hoca - The Turkish Jester
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Nasreddin Hoca >> The Turkish Jester
One day Cogia Efendi went to a bridal festival. The master of the feast
observing his old and wretched garments, paid him no consideration
whatever. The Cogia saw that he had no chance of notice; so going out he
hurried to his house, and putting on a splendid pelisse, returned to the
place of festival. No sooner did he enter the door than the master
advanced to meet him, and saying, 'Welcome, Cogia Efendi,' with all
imaginable honour and reverence placed him at the head of the table, and
said, 'Please to eat, Lord Cogia.' Forthwith the Cogia taking hold of
one of the furs of his pelisse, said, 'Welcome, my pelisse, please to
eat, my lord.' The master looking at the Cogia with great surprise,
said, 'What are you about?' Whereupon the Cogia replied, 'It is quite
evident that all the honour paid is paid to my pelisse, so let it have
some food too.'
Nasr Eddin Efendi going one day into a city, found the doctors of the law
eating and drinking; no sooner did they see the Cogia than they showed
him great honour, and brought him food. It happened that that year was a
year of famine, and the Cogia whilst eating and drinking, said to
himself, 'No doubt this city must be one in which provisions are very
cheap,' and asked a man who was by him whether it were not so. The man
replied, 'Are you mad? this day is Beiram, every one according to his
means cooks meat in his house and brings it forth, and on that account
the food is plentiful.' 'Ah, my good man,' said the Cogia, 'I wish that
every day was Beiram.'
One day Cogia Efendi led a cow to the market for sale; backwards and
forwards he led it, but was unable to sell it; presently a man advancing
to the Cogia, said, 'Why do you hold this cow in your hand without
selling it?' Said the Cogia, 'I have led it about since the morning, and
notwithstanding all the fine things that I have said about it I have been
unable to sell it.' The individual taking the cow from the Cogia's hand,
began to walk it about, exclaiming, 'Who will buy a young girl six months
gone with child?' Forthwith buyers followed at his heels, and a very
considerable sum was offered. The Cogia, very much surprised, took the
money for the cow, and went running to his house. The inspectors,
however, coming, took away the Cogia's daughter, whereupon his wife said,
'O Cogia, do you stay a little. The inspecting matrons have been for the
girl. I will now go to them, and will give the necessary character, so
that they will take our daughter, being satisfied with what I say.' Quoth
the Cogia Efendi, 'No, no, wife, do not open your mouth. I have now
learnt various praises fitted for her. I will go and tell them. Do you
see how they will be pleased with them.' So he went to the inspecting
matrons, who, as soon as they saw him, said, 'O Cogia Efendi, what have
you to do with us matrons? Get you gone, and let the girl's mother
come.' Said the Cogia Efendi, 'It is not the duty of the girl's mother
to give information with respect to any talents which the girl may
possess. Whatever questions you may have to ask with respect to the
talents we may have observed, do you ask of me.' Quoth the matrons, 'Let
us hear you dilate a little on her talents.' 'Ladies,' said the Cogia,
'if the girl is not six months gone with child, she is my property.' The
ladies on hearing this looked at each other, and getting up went away.
Said the Cogia's wife, 'O Cogia, why did you drive the matrons away by
using such words to them?' 'Don't you fear, wife,' said the Cogia, 'if
they go through the whole country they will not find a girl of this
description; so let them go and come back. But to tell you the truth, if
I had not praised the cow in this manner, I should have found no
purchaser for her.'
One day Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi, as he was winding the muslin of his
turban, perceived that it was not long enough; he again tried all he
could to bring it to a point, but in vain. The Cogia in great distress
took the muslin, and going to the public mart, put it up to auction.
Whilst it was being bid for, a person came and bought it. Whereupon the
Cogia going softly up to him, said, 'Brother, don't take that thick
thing; it is too short for a turban; you can't bring it to a point.'
One day an individual coming to the Cogia said, 'Something for my good
news, Cogia Efendi. You have a son born to you.' 'If I have a son born
to me,' said the Cogia, 'I owe thanks to God, but what do I owe to you?'
One day a man coming to the Cogia asked him for the loan of his ass.
'Stay here,' said the Cogia, 'whilst I go and consult the animal. If the
ass is willing to be lent, I will let you have him.' Thereupon he went
in, and after staying for a time came out and said, 'The ass is not
willing, and has said to me, "If you lend me to others I shall overhear
all the evil things that they say of your wife."'
One day the Cogia, mounting his ass, set off for his garden; on the road,
wanting to make water, he took off his woollen vest, and placing it on
the pack-saddle of his ass, he went aside. A thief coming up took the
woollen vest and ran away with it. The Cogia returning saw that the vest
was gone; whereupon taking the pack-saddle from the back of the ass, he
put it upon his own shoulders, and giving the ass a cut with his whip, he
said, 'You lost my vest, so I take your saddle.'
One day Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi, mounting his ass, again set out; on the
way, wanting to make water, he again laid his vest upon the ass, and went
aside. A person who had his eye upon him, instantly seized the vest and
ran away; just at that time the ass began to bray. The Cogia hearing
him, shouted out, 'The ass brays: the ass cries--no good sign.' The
person, however, hearing the braying and the shouting, cast the vest upon
the ground and made his escape.
One day Cogia Efendi, having lost his ass, inquired of a certain
individual whether he had seen him. 'I saw him,' said the individual,
'in a certain town, officiating as Cadi.' 'You say true,' said the
Cogia, 'I knew he would be a Cadi, for I observed when I taught him the
principles of philosophy, that his ears were not sewed up.'
One day Nasr Eddin Efendi went to the mountain to cut wood; after he had
cut the wood he loaded his ass, and began to drive him home. The
Efendi's ass, however, would hardly move. A person coming up, said, 'Put
a little sal ammoniac into the --- of the ass.' The Cogia finding a
little sal ammoniac, put it in; whereupon the ass began to run so quickly
that the Cogia was left far behind. 'I would fain see the cause of
this,' said the Cogia, and clapped a little of the sal ammoniac to his
own ---. No sooner had he done so than the Cogia's posterior began to
swell, and he set off running so quickly that he soon got before the ass,
and ran straight home, but not being able to contain himself in the
house, he ran about it, and observing his wife, he said, 'O wife,
whenever you wish me to get me on, do you stick a little sal ammoniac in
my ---.'
One day a man came to the house of the Cogia and asked him to lend him
his ass. 'He is not at home,' replied the Cogia. But it so happened
that the ass began to bray within. 'O Cogia Efendi,' said the man, 'you
say that the ass is not at home, and there he is braying within.' 'What
a strange fellow you are!' said the Cogia. 'You believe the ass, but
will not believe a grey-bearded man like me.'
One day the Cogia said to his wife, 'O wife, how do you know when a man
is dead?' 'I know it by his hands and feet being cold,' said she. One
day as the Cogia was going to the mountain for wood, he felt cold in his
hands and feet; whereupon he said, 'I am a dead man,' and laid himself
down at the foot of a tree. Some wolves, however, coming up and
beginning to devour his ass, the Cogia shouted to the wolves from the
place where he was lying, 'The ass is dead, it seems, and not the
master.'
One day as the Cogia was cutting wood in the mountain, a wolf, coming up
to his ass, began to devour it; but on seeing the Cogia, it took the ass
and went away. A man who saw what happened, cried out, 'There he goes!'
Whereupon the Cogia said, 'Hallo, man: why do you cry out? You must not
hinder a wolf who has dined from mounting.'
One day as the Cogia was conducting his ass to the market, the tail of
the animal becoming draggled with mud, the Cogia cut it off and put it
into a sack. Arriving at the market, he put up the ass to auction; and
on a person crying out, 'What is the use of this tailless creature?' he
said, 'Don't you leave your tail in the desert when you come to market?'
One day as the Cogia was coming from a distant place, his ass chanced to
be very thirsty, when all of a sudden they arrived at the margin of a
pool. Unfortunately, however, the sides of the pool were very steep, and
the ass of the Cogia, on seeing the water, not being able to restrain
himself, ran forward to the pool. Just as he was falling in, the frogs
of the pool began to croak violently; their voices frightening the ass,
he ran back. The Cogia, however, seized hold of him, and exclaiming,
'Bravo, ye birds of the pool!' he took out a handful of aspres, and flung
them into the pool, saying, 'Here's something for sweetmeats: take and
eat.'
In the time of Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi, three priests, who showed
themselves versed in every kind of learning, travelling through the
world, at last came to the country of the Soldan Ala Eddin. The Emperor
invited them to accept the true faith; whereupon the three said, 'Each
one of us has a question to ask, and if you can give us an answer, we
will adopt your religion.' All agreed to this condition; and Soldan Ala
Eddin having assembled his ulemas and sheiks, not one of them was able to
make any reply to the questions of the strangers. The Soldan Ala Eddin
was very much incensed and mortified, and exclaimed, 'So there is not one
of the ulemas and sheiks in the countries beneath my jurisdiction who can
answer these fellows.' Whereupon one of the ulemas replied, 'Though none
of us can answer these questions, perhaps Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi can.'
The Emperor, on hearing these words, gave orders to his Tartar messengers
to go in quest of Nasr Eddin Efendi. The Tartars, with all imaginable
speed, went their way, and having found the Cogia, communicated to him
the commands of the Sultan. Nasr Eddin, that moment saddling his ass,
took his staff in his hand, and mounting the animal, said to the Tartar,
'Lead the way and set off straight for the palace of Soldan Ala Eddin.'
On his arrival, he went into the presence of the Emperor, to whom he
said, 'Salaam,' and received the same salutation from the Sultan, who,
pointing out a place to him, bade him sit down. Said the Cogia to the
Emperor, after wishing him a blessing, 'For what may it have pleased you
to summon me?' Whereupon the Soldan Ala Eddin told him the whole
circumstance. The Cogia forthwith turning to the priests said, 'What are
your questions?' Then one of the priests, coming forward, said, 'May it
please your Efendiship, my question is this: "Where may the middle of the
earth be?"' Thereupon the Cogia, instantly dismounting from his ass,
pointed with his staff to the fore foot of the ass, saying, 'The middle
of the earth is the spot on which my ass's foot stands.' 'How do you
know that?' said the priest. 'If you doubt my words,' said the Cogia,
'take a measure and see whether it comes to more or less.' Another of
the priests coming forward said, 'How many stars are there in the face of
the heaven above us?' Said the Cogia, 'As many hairs as there are upon
my ass so many stars are there in the heaven.' 'How do you know?' said
the priest. 'If you doubt,' said the Cogia, 'come and count, and if
there is any difference, say at once.' 'Have you counted, then,' said
the priest, 'the hairs upon your ass?' 'And have you counted how many
stars there are?' said the Cogia. Then another priest coming forward
said, 'If you can answer my question the whole of us will adopt your
religion.' 'Speak,' said the Cogia, 'let us hear it.' 'Tell me, O
Cogia,' said the priest, 'how many hairs there are in this beard of
mine.' 'Just as many,' said the Cogia, 'as there are hairs in my ass's
tail.' 'How do you know?' said the priest. 'Soul of mine,' said the
Cogia, 'if you don't believe, come and count.' The priest would not
consent. 'If you will not consent,' said the Cogia, 'come, let us pluck
hair for hair from your beard and from the ass's tail and see if they
don't tally.' The priest, seeing that he had the worst of the argument,
turned to the way of truth, and forthwith said to his companions, 'I
embrace the faith of Islam,' and acknowledged the unity of God. The two
others also with heart and soul embraced the true faith, and the whole
three became servants and disciples of the Cogia.
Nasr Eddin Efendi one day placed three plums upon a great table and set
out in order to carry them as a present to the Bey. On the way the plums
chancing to dance on this side and that the Cogia said, 'I will now eat
you until I leave one to dance by itself.' So the Cogia ate two of the
plums, and carrying one upon the table, placed it before the Bey, who
being very much delighted with the plum which the Cogia brought,
presented him with a great deal of money. The Cogia went home, and a few
days after, taking a number of beetroots, set out again in order to carry
them to the Bey. As he was going along he met an individual, who said to
the Cogia, 'To whom are you carrying those things?' 'I am carrying them
to the Bey,' said the Cogia. 'If you were to carry him some figs
instead,' said the individual, 'he would like it better.' The Cogia
instantly went and procured a few pounds of figs, which he carried to the
Bey, who ordered his attendants to fling them all at his head. Some of
the figs striking the Cogia's head, he forthwith began to cry out, 'Thank
God, thank God!' 'How is this, Cogia?' said they. 'Why do you thank
God?' 'I was bringing a great quantity of beetroots,' said the Cogia,
'but meeting an individual on the road, he advised me to bring these
instead. Now if I had brought beetroots, my head would have been
broken.'
The Cogia going on another day to visit the Bey, the Bey took him out a-
hunting, but mounted him on a good-for-nothing horse. As they were
hunting, it began to rain; every one escaped by means of his horse, but
the good-for-nothing horse would scarcely move. The Cogia forthwith
stripping himself naked, took his garments and sat down upon them. No
sooner was the rain over, than he got up, and having dressed himself, he
went to the Bey. Said the Bey, 'It is a wonder you escaped a wetting.'
Said the Cogia, 'I was mounted on a horse that was a great goer, he flew
away with me so fast that I escaped the rain.' The Bey believed every
word that he said. On another day the Bey again went out a-hunting, but
he now rode that same horse himself, whilst the Cogia was mounted on
another; now it so pleased God that it again began to rain, every one
escaped as fast as he could, but the Bey on the good-for-nothing horse
was left behind, and at last reached home, creeping along like a crane.
He was very much incensed at what the Cogia had told him, and the next
day addressed him in this manner: 'Was it fit and proper that you should
tell me the lie you did, and cause me to be wet through by the rain which
God sent?' Said the Cogia, 'Why are you angry with me? Why had you not
sense enough to strip off your clothes as I did, and sit upon them, and
when the rain was over, dress yourself and come here?'
One day the Bey sent this message to the Cogia, 'Come, I intend to play
the jerreed with you, for I wish to have a little jerreed playing.' Now
the Cogia had an old ox, which, saddling immediately, he mounted, and
rode to the place where they played at the jerreed. No sooner did the
people see him than they fell to laughing, and the Bey said, 'O Cogia,
why did you mount that ox, for it can't run?' 'Can't it?' said the
Cogia. 'I have seen it when it was a calf running so fast that no horse
could overtake it.'
One day Tamerlank invited the Cogia to dine with him. The Cogia accepted
the invitation, and mounting his ass, taking the groom along with him,
set out, saying, 'Now, Tamerlank, where may you be?' When he came to the
Emperor, Timour Shah, pointing to a place, bade him sit down. The Cogia,
seeing that Timour Shah sat with one foot supported on a cushion, when he
sat down, stretched out his own leg, and placed it upon a corner of the
cushion. Timour Shah being very much offended that the Cogia stretched
out his leg as he did, said to himself, 'If I do so I have an excuse, and
I am also a king'; and then said to the Cogia, 'When you mount your ass,
what is the difference between you and him?' The Cogia replied, 'My
Emperor, only this cushion divides us which is placed upon his back.' The
Shah, perceiving the taunt, was very much incensed, and determined to
mortify the Cogia. The food being brought, they began to eat, and
presently Timour, without any cause, sneezed in the Cogia's face. The
Cogia, when he saw Tamerlank do this, said, 'My Emperor, is it not ill
manners to do so?' 'It is not in our country,' said Tamerlank. Forthwith
the Cogia let a ---; and when Tamerlank said, 'Is not that ill manners?'
he replied, 'It is not reckoned so in our country.' The repast being
over, the sherbet was brought; and then the Cogia, getting up, set off on
his way home. 'Why did you break wind in the presence of Timour?' said
the groom. Answered the Cogia, 'When the Imam --- the assembly breaks
up.'
One day the Cogia roasted a goose, and set out in order to carry it to
the Emperor. On the way, feeling very hungry, he cut off one leg and ate
it. Coming into the presence of the Emperor, he placed the goose before
him. On seeing it, Tamerlank said to himself, 'The Cogia is making game
of me,' and was very angry, and demanded, 'How happens it that this goose
has but one foot?' Said the Cogia, 'In our country all the geese have
only one foot. If you disbelieve me, look at the geese by the side of
that fountain.' Now at that time there was a flock of geese by the rim
of the fountain, all of whom were standing on one leg. Timour instantly
ordered that all the drummers should at once play up; the drummers began
to strike with their sticks, and forthwith all the geese stood on both
legs. On Timour saying, 'Don't you see that they have two legs?' the
Cogia replied, 'If you keep up that drumming you yourself will presently
have four.'
Cogia Efendi, now at rest with God, having been made Cadi, two
individuals came before him, one of whom said, 'This fellow nearly bit my
ear off.' The other said, 'Not so: I did not bite it, but he bit his own
ear.' The Cogia said, 'Come again in a little time and I will give you
an answer.' The men went away, and the Cogia, going into a private
place, seized hold of his ear. 'I can't bite it,' said he. Then trying
to rise from the ground, on which he had seated himself, he fell back and
broke a part of his head. Forthwith wrapping a piece of cloth round his
head, he went back and sat in his place. The two men coming and asking
for his decision, the Cogia said, 'No man can bite his own ear; but, if
he tries, may fall down and break his head.'
Once as the Cogia was lying in bed, at midnight a noise was heard in the
street before the door. Said the Cogia to his wife, 'Get up and light a
candle, and I will go and see.' 'You had better stay within,' said his
wife. But the Cogia, without heeding his wife, put the counterpane on
his shoulders and went out. A fellow perceiving him, instantly snatched
the counterpane from off his shoulders and ran away. The Cogia,
shivering with cold, went in again; and when his wife asked him the cause
of the noise, he said, 'It was on account of our counterpane: when they
got that the noise ceased at once.'
One day the Cogia's wife said to him, 'Nurse this child for a little
time, for I have a little business to see after.' The Cogia, taking the
child, sat with him upon his lap. Presently, however, the child p---
upon the Cogia; whereupon the Cogia, getting up, p--- over the child,
from head to foot. His wife coming, said, 'O Cogia, why have you acted
in this manner?' 'I would have --- over him,' said the Cogia, 'if he
had done so over me.'
One day the Cogia's wife, having washed the Cogia's kaftan, hung it upon
a tree to dry; the Cogia going out saw, as he supposed, a man standing in
the tree with his arms stretched out. Says the Cogia to his wife, 'O
wife, go and fetch me my bow and arrow.' His wife fetched and brought
them to him; the Cogia taking an arrow, shot it and pierced the kaftan
and stretched it on the ground; then returning, he made fast his door and
lay down to sleep. Going out in the morning he saw that what he had shot
was his own kaftan; thereupon, sitting down, he cried aloud, 'O God, be
thanked; if I had been in it I should have certainly been killed.'
One day the Cogia, going to the College, mounted into the car, in the
rear of the Moolahs. Said the Moolahs, 'O Cogia, why did you mount
backwards?' 'If I got in straightways,' said the Cogia, 'you would be at
my back. If you went before me your backs would be in my face, therefore
I mounted in this manner.'
One night as the Cogia was lying in his bed he perceived a thief moving
upon the housetop. Now, the Cogia's wife was lying at his side, and he
said to her, 'O wife, last night wishing to enter the house, I repeated
this prayer and descended the chimney on the rays of the moon.' The
thief above heard these words of the Cogia, and after a little time,
repeating the prayer which the Cogia had repeated, essayed to go down the
chimney upon the rays of the moon, but tumbled down headlong. The Cogia,
who was not yet sleep, rising in haste, seized the thief by the collar
and cried out, 'O wife, be quick and light a candle, for I have caught a
thief!' hereupon the thief exclaimed humorously, 'O Cogia Efendi, don't
be in a hurry; the virtue in that prayer being in me was rather too much
for me, and so I tumbled down here.'
Nasr Eddin Efendi had an old ox which had exceedingly great horns, and so
far apart, that it was possible for a person to sit between them. Every
time that the ox drew nigh the Cogia was in the habit of saying to
himself, 'How I should like to sit between his horns,' and calculating as
to the possibility of doing so. One day the ox came and laid himself
down before the house. Cries the Cogia, 'Now is my time!' and mounting,
he took his seat betwixt the ox's two horns. Presently, however, the ox,
rising upon his legs, flung the Cogia upon the ground, where he lay for
some time quite senseless. His wife coming and seeing him lying
motionless, began to lament. After some time, the Cogia, recovering a
little, on seeing his wife weeping by his side, exclaimed, 'O wife, do
not weep, I have suffered a great deal, but I have had my desire.'
One day a thief got into the Cogia's house. Cries his wife, 'O Cogia,
there is a thief in the house.' 'Don't make any disturbance,' says the
Cogia. 'I wish to God that he may find something, so that I may take it
from him.'
One day the Cogia's wife said to him, 'Go and lie down yonder, a little
way off.' The Cogia, getting up, forthwith took his shoes in his hand,
and walked during two days; at the end of which, meeting a man, he said,
'Go and ask my wife whether I have gone far enough, or must go yet
farther.'
One night as the Cogia was lying with his wife, he said, 'O wife, if you
love me, get up and light a candle, that I may write down a verse which
has come into my head.' His wife, getting up, lighted the candle, and
brought him pen and inkstand. The Cogia wrote, and his wife said, 'O
Efendi of my soul, won't you read to me what you have written?' Whereupon
the Cogia read, 'Amongst the green leaves methinks I see a black hen go
with a red bill.'
One day the Cogia being ill, a number of women came to inquire about his
health. One of the women said, 'God knows whether you will die; but if
you do, what shall we say when we lament over you?' 'Say this,' said the
Cogia, 'when you lament over me, "Notwithstanding all he did, he could
never understand everything."'
Cogia Efendi, every time he returned to his house, was in the habit of
bringing a piece of liver, which his wife always gave to a common woman,
placing before the Cogia leavened patties to eat when he came home in the
evening. One day the Cogia said, 'O wife, every day I bring home a
liver: where do they all go to?' 'The cat runs away with all of them,'
replied the wife. Thereupon the Cogia getting up, put his hatchet in the
trunk and locked it up. Says his wife to the Cogia, 'For fear of whom do
you lock up the hatchet?' 'For fear of the cat,' replied the Cogia.
'What should the cat do with the hatchet?' said the wife. 'Why,' replied
the Cogia, 'as he takes a fancy to the liver, which costs two aspres, is
it not likely that he will take a fancy to the hatchet, which costs
four?'