Sir Arthur Thomas Quiller Couch - The Astonishing History of Troy Town

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THE ASTONISHING HISTORY OF TROY TOWN.

by

Arthur Thomas Quiller-Couch.

1914

This etext prepared from a reprint of a version published in 1914.

[Illustration: "This regiment of visitors." (Chapter VII)]

TO CHARLES CANNAN.

My Dear Cannan,
It is told of a distinguished pedagogue that one day a heated
stranger burst into his study, and, wringing him by the hand,
cried, "Heaven bless and reward you, sir! Heaven preserve you
long to educate old England's boyhood! I have walked many a
weary, weary mile to see your face again," he continued,
flourishing a scrap of paper, "and assure you that but for your
discipline, obeyed by me as a boy and remembered as a man, I
should never--no, never--have won the Ticket-of-Leave which you
behold!"

In something of the same spirit I bring you this small volume.
The child of encouragement is given to staggering its parent;
and I make no doubt that as you turn the following pages, you
will more than once exclaim, with the old lady in the ballad--

"O, deary me! this is none of I!"

Nevertheless, it would be strange indeed if this story bore no
marks of you; for a hundred kindly instances have taught me to
come with sure reliance for your reproof and praise. Few, I
imagine, have the good fortune of a critic so friendly and
inexorable; and if the critic has been unsparing, he has been
used unsparingly.
Wargrave, Henley-on-Thames,
June 7, 1888

CONTENTS.

Chapter.

I. IN WHICH THE READER IS MADE ACQUAINTED WITH A STATE OF
INNOCENCE; AND THE MEANING OF THE WORD "CUMEELFO"

II. HOW AN ADMIRAL TOOK ONE GENTLEMAN FOR ANOTHER, AND WAS TOLD
THE DAY OF THE MONTH.

III. OF A BLUE-JERSEYED MAN THAT WOULD HOIST NO MORE BRICKS; AND A
NIGHTCAP THAT HAD NO BUSINESS TO BE WHERE IT WAS.

IV. OF CERTAIN LEPERS; AND TWO BROTHERS WHO, BEING MUCH ALIKE,
LOVED THEIR SISTER AND RECOMMENDED THE USE OF GLOBES.

V. HOW AN ABSENT-MINDED MAN, THAT HATED WOMEN, TOOK A HOUSE BY
THE WATERSIDE AND LIVED THEREIN WITH ONE SERVANT.

VI. HOW CERTAIN TROJANS CLIMBED A WALL OUT OF CURIOSITY; AND OF A
CHARWOMAN THAT COULD GIVE NO INFORMATION.

VII. OF A LADY THAT HAD A MUSICAL VOICE, BUT USED IT TO DECEIVE.

VIII. HOW A CREW, THAT WOULD SAIL ON A WASHING-DAY, WAS SHIPWRECKED:
WITH AN ADVERTISEMENT AGAINST WOMEN.

IX. OF A TOWN THAT WOULD LAUGH AT THE GREAT: AND HOW A DULL
COMPANY WAS CURED BY AN IRISH SONG.

X. OF ONE EXCURSION AND MANY ALARUMS.

XI. OF A WESLEYAN MINISTER THAT WOULD IMPROVE UPON NATURE, AND
THEREBY TRAINED A ROOK TO GOOD PRINCIPLES.

XII. OF DETERIORATION; AND A WHEELBARROW THAT CONTAINED UNEXPECTED
THINGS.

XIII. THE SIGNIFICANCE OF POMEROY'S CAT; AND HOW THE MEN AND WOMEN
OF TROY ENSUED AFTER PLEASURE IN BOATS.

XIV. OF A LADY OF SENSIBILITY THAT, BEING AWKWARDLY PLACED, MIGHT
EASILY HAVE SET MATTERS RIGHT, BUT DID NOT; WITH MUCH BESIDE.

XV. HOW A LADY AND A YOUTH, BEING SEPARATED FROM THEIR COMPANY,
VISITED A SHIP THAT HELD NOTHING BUT WATER.

XVI. OF STRATAGEMS AND SPOILS; AND THAT THE NOMINALISTS ERR WHO
HOLD A THING TO BE WHAT IT IS CALLED.

XVII. HOW ONE THAT WAS DISSATISFIED WITH HIS PAST SAW A VISION, BUT
DOUBTED.

XVIII. OF A YOUNG MAN THAT WOULD START UPON A DARK ADVENTURE, BUT
HAD TWO MINDS UPON IT.

XIX. THAT A SILVER BULLET HAS VIRTUE; WITH A WARNING TO COMMODORES.

XX. HOW CERTAIN CHARACTERS FOUND THEMSELVES, AT DEAD OF NIGHT, UPON
THE FIVE LANES ROAD.

XXI. THAT A VERY LITTLE TEA MAY SUFFICE TO ELEVATE A MAN.

XXII. IN WHICH SEVERAL ATTEMPTS ARE MADE TO PUT A PERIOD TO THIS
HISTORY.

XXIII. HOW ONE LOVER TOOK LEAVE OF HIS WITS, AND TWO CAME TO THEIR
SENSES.

XXIV. OF THE BEST HELLEBORE; AND AN EXPERIMENT IN THE ENTERTAINMENT
OF TWINS.

XXV. WHICH ENDS THIS STORY OF TROY.

[Illustration: The Astonishing History of Troy Town]

CHAPTER I.

IN WHICH THE READER IS MADE ACQUAINTED WITH A STATE OF INNOCENCE; AND
THE MEANING OF THE WORD "CUMEELFO".

"Any news to-night?" asked Admiral Buzza, leading a trump.

"Hush, my love," interposed his wife timidly, with a glance at the
Vicar. She liked to sit at her husband's left, and laid her small
cards before him as so many tributes to his greatness.

"I will not hush, Emily. I repeat, is there any news to-night?"

Miss Limpenny, his hostess and vis-a-vis, finding the Admiral's eye
fierce upon her, coughed modestly and announced that twins had just
arrived to the postmistress. Her manner, as she said this, implied
that, for aught she knew, they had come with the letters.

The Vicar took the trick and gathered it up in silence. He was a
portly, antique gentleman, with a fine taste for scandal in its
proper place, but disliked conversation during a rubber.

"Twins, eh?" growled the Admiral. "Just what I expected. She always
was a wasteful woman."

"My love!" expostulated his wife. Miss Limpenny blushed.

"They'll come to the workhouse," he went on, "and serve him right for
making such a marriage."

"I have heard that his heart is in the right place," pleaded Miss
Limpenny, "but he used--"

"Eh, ma'am?"

"It's of no consequence," said Miss Limpenny, with becoming
bashfulness. "It's only that he always used, in sorting his cards,
to sit upon his trumps--that always seemed to me--"

"Just so," replied the Admiral, "and now it's twins. Bless the man!
what next?"

It was in the golden age, before Troy became demoralised, as you
shall hear. At present you are to picture the drawing-room of the
Misses Limpenny arranged for an "evening": the green rep curtains
drawn, the "Book of Beauty" disposed upon the centre table, the
ballad music on the piano, and the Admiral's double-bass in the
corner. Six wax candles were beaming graciously on cards, tea-cakes
and ratafias; on the pictures of "The First Drive," and "The Orphan's
Dream," the photographic views of Troy from the harbour, the opposite
hill, and one or two other points, and finally the noted oil-painting
of Miss Limpenny's papa as he appeared shortly after preaching an
assize sermon. Above all, the tea-service was there--the famous set
in real silver presented to the late Reverend Limpenny by his flock,
and Miss Priscilla--she at the card-table--wore her best brooch with
a lock of his hair arranged therein as a _fleur-de-lys_.

I wish I could convey to you some of the innocent mirth of those
"evenings" in Troy--those _noctes Limpennianae_ when the ladies
brought their cap-boxes (though the Buzzas and Limpennys were but
semi-detached neighbours), and the Admiral and his wife insisted on
playing against each other, so that the threepenny points never
affected their weekly accounts. Those were happy days when the young
men were not above singing the "Death of Nelson," or joining in a
glee, and arming the young ladies home afterwards. In those days
"Hocken's Slip" had not yet become the "Victoria Quay," and we talked
of the "Rope Walk" where we now say "Marine Parade." Alas! our
tastes have altered with Troy.

Yet we were vastly genteel. We even had our shibboleth, a verdict to
be passed before anything could hope for toleration in Troy.
The word to be pronounced was "CUMEELFO," and all that was not
_Cumeelfo_ was Anathema.

So often did I hear this word from Miss Limpenny's lips that I grew
in time to clothe it with an awful meaning. It meant to me, as
nearly as I can explain, "All Things Sanctioned by the Principles of
the Great Exhibition of 1851," and included as time went on--

Crochet Antimacassars.
Art in the style of the "Greek Slave."
"Elegant Extracts," and the British Poets as edited by
Gilfillan.
Corkscrew Curls and Prunella Boots.
Album Verses.
Quadrille-dancing, and the _Deux-temps_.
Popular Science.
Proposals on the bended Knee.
Conjuring and Variety Entertainments.
The Sentimental Ballad.
The Proprieties, etc., etc., etc.

The very spirit of this word breathed over the Limpenny drawing-room
to-night, and Miss Priscilla's lips seemed to murmur it as she gazed
across to where her sister Lavinia was engaged in a round game with
the young people. These were Admiral Buzza's three daughters, Sophy,
Jane, and Calypso--the last named after her father's old ship--and
young Mr. Moggridge, the amusing collector of customs. They were
playing with ratafias for counters (ratafias were _cumeelfo_), and
peals of guileless laughter from time to time broke in upon the grave
silence of the whist-table.

For always, on such occasions, in the glow of Miss Limpenny's wax
candles, Youth and Age held opposite camps, with the centre table as
debatable ground; nor, until the rubber was finished, and the round
game had ended in a seemly scramble for ratafias, would the two
recognise each other's presence, save now and then by a "Hush, if you
please, young people," from the elder sister, followed by a
whispered, "What spirits your dear girls enjoy!" for Mrs. Buzza's
ear.

But at length the signal would be given by Miss Priscilla.

"Come, a little music perhaps might leave a pleasant taste.
What do you say, Vicar?"

Upon which the Vicar would regularly murmur--

"Say, rather, would gild refined gold, Miss Limpenny."

And the Admiral as invariably broke in with--

"Come, Sophy! remember the proverb about little birds that can sing
and won't sing."

This prelude having been duly recited, the Misses Buzza would
together trip to the piano, on which the two younger girls in duet
were used to accompany Sophia's artless ballads. The performance
gained a character of its own from a habit to which Calypso clung, of
counting the time in an audible aside: as thus--

_Sophia_ (singing): "Oh, breathe but a whispered command."
_Calypso: "One, two, three, four_."
_Sophia_: "I'll lay down my life for thee!"
_Calypso: "One, two, three, four_."

--the effect of which upon strangers has been known to be paralysing,
though we who were _cumeelfo_ pretended not to notice it. But Sophy
could also accompany her own songs, such as, "Will you love me then
as now?" and "I'd rather be a daisy," with much feeling. She was
clever, too, with the water-colour brush, and to her we owe that
picture of "_ H.M.S. Calypso_ in a Storm," which hangs to this day
over the Admiral's mantelpiece.

I could dwell on this evening for ever; not that the company was so
large as usual, but because it was the last night of our simplicity.
With the next morning we passed out of our golden age, and in the
foolishness of our hearts welcomed the change.

It was announced to us in this manner--

The duets had been beaten out of Miss Limpenny's piano--an early
Collard, with a top like a cupboard, fluted in pink silk and
wearing a rosette in front; the performers, on retiring, had
curtseyed in acknowledgment of the Vicar's customary remark about the
"Three Graces "; the Admiral had wrung from his double-bass the
sounds we had learnt to identify with elfin merriment (though
suggestive, rather, of seasick mutineers under hatches), and our
literary collector, Mr. Moggridge, was standing up to recite a trifle
of his own--"flung off"--as he explained, "not pruned or polished."

The hush in the drawing-room was almost painful--for in those days we
all admired Mr. Moggridge--as the poet tossed back a stray lock from
his forehead, flung an arm suddenly out at right angles to his
person, and began sepulchrally--

"Maiden"--

(Here he looked very hard at Miss Lavinia Limpenny.)

"Maiden, what dost thou in the chill churchyard
Beside yon grassy mound?
The night hath fallen, the rain is raining hard,
Damp is the ground."

Mrs. Buzza shivered, and began to weep quietly.

"Maiden, why claspest thou that cold, cold stone
Against thy straining breast?
Tell me, what dost thou at this hour alone?
(_Persuasively_) The lambs have gone to rest.
The maiden lifted up her tearful gaze,
And thus she made reply:
'My mother, sir, is--'"

But the secret of her conduct remains with Mr. Moggridge, for at this
moment the door opened, and the excited head of Sam Buzza, the
Admiral's only son, was thrust into the room.

[Illustration: "Maiden, what dost thou in the chill churchyard--"]

"I say, have you heard the news? 'The Bower' is let."

"What!"

All eyes were fixed on the newcomer. The Vicar woke up. Even the
poet, with his arm still at right angles and the verse arrested on
his lips, turned to stare incredulously.

"It's a fact; I heard it down at the _Man-o'-War_ Club meeting, you
know," he explained. "Goodwyn-Sandys is his name, the Honourable
Goodwyn-Sandys, brother to Lord Sinkport--and what's more, he is
coming by the mid-day train to-morrow."

The poet's arm dropped like a railway signal. There was a long
pause, and then the voices broke out all together--

"Only fancy!"

"There now!"

"'The Bower' let at last!"

"An Honourable, too!"

"What is he like?"

"Are you sure?"

"Well, I never did!"

"Miss Limpenny," gasped the Admiral, at length, "where is your
Burke?"

It lay between the "Cathedrals of England" and "Gems of Modern Art";
under the stereoscope. Miss Lavinia produced it.

"Let me see," said the Admiral, turning the pages. "Sinkport--
Sinkport--here we are--George St. Leonards Goodwyn-Sandys, fourth
baron--H'm, h'm, here it is--only brother, Frederic Augustus Hythe
Goodwyn-Sandys, b. 1842--married--"

"Married!"

"1876--Geraldine, eighth daughter of Sheil O'Halloran of Kilmacuddy
Court, County Kerry--blank space for issue--arms: gules, a bar
sinist--Ahem! Well, upon my word!"

"I'm sure," sighed Mrs. Buzza, after the excitement had cooled a
little--"I'm sure I only hope they will settle down to our humble
ways."

"Emily," snapped her husband, "you speak like a fool. Pooh! Let me
tell you, ma'am, that our ways in Troy are not humble!"

Outside, in Miss Limpenny's back garden, the laurestinus bushes
sighed as they caught those ominous words. So might Eden have
sighed, aware of its serpent.

CHAPTER II.

HOW AN ADMIRAL TOOK ONE GENTLEMAN FOR ANOTHER, AND WAS TOLD THE DAY
OF THE MONTH.

Next morning, almost before the sun was up, all Troy was in
possession of the news; and in Troy all that is personal has a public
interest. It is this local spirit that marks off the Trojan from all
other minds.

In consequence long before ten o'clock struck, it was clear that
some popular movement was afoot; and by half-past eleven the road
to the railway station was crowded with Trojans of all sorts and
conditions--boatmen, pilots, fishermen, sailors out of employ, the
local photographer, men from the ship-building yards, makers of
ship's biscuit, of ropes, of sails, chandlers, block and pump
manufacturers, loafers--representatives, in short, of all the staple
industries: women with baskets--women with babies, women with both,
even a few farmers in light gigs with their wives, or in carts with
their families, a sprinkling from Penpoodle, across the harbour--high
and low, Church and Dissent, with children by the hundred. Some even
proposed to ring the church bells and fire the cannon at the
harbour's mouth; but the ringers and artillerymen preferred to come
and see the sight. As it was, the "George" floated proudly from the
church tower, and the Fife and Drum Temperance Band stood ready at
the corner of East Street. All Troy, in fact, was on tip-toe.

Meanwhile, as few in the crowd possessed Burke or Debrett, the
information that passed from mouth to mouth was diverse and peculiar,
but, as was remarked by a laundress in the crowd to a friend: "He may
be the Pope o' Rome, my dear, an' he may be the Dook o' Wellington,
an' not a soul here wud know t'other from which no mor'n if he was
Adam. All I says is--the Lord send he's a professin' Christian, an'
has his linen washed reg'lar. My! What a crush! I only wish my boy
Jan was here to see; but he's stayin' at home, my dear, cos his
father means to kill the pig to-day, an' the dear child do so love to
hear'n screech."

The Admiral, who happened by the merest chance to be sauntering along
the Station Road this morning, in his best blue frock-coat with a
flower in the buttonhole, corrected some of the rumours, but without
much success. Finding the throng so thick, he held a long debate
between curiosity and dignity. The latter won, and he returned to
No. 2, Alma Villas, in a flutter, some ten minutes before the train
was due.

By noon the crowd was growing impatient. But hardly had the church
clock chimed the hour when the shriek of a whistle was heard from up
the valley. Amid wild excitement a puff of white smoke appeared,
then another, and finally the mid-day train steamed serenely into the
station.

As it drew up, a mild spectacled face appeared at the window of a
first-class carriage, and asked--

"Is this Troy?"

"Yessir--terminus. Any luggage, sir?"

The mild face got out. It belonged to the only stranger in the
train.

"There is only a black portmanteau," said he. "Ah, that is it.
I shall want it put in the cloakroom for an hour or two while I go
into the town."

The stranger gave up his ticket--a single ticket--and stepped outside
the station. He was a mild, thin man, slightly above middle height,
with vacant eyes and a hesitating manner. He wore a black suit, a
rather rusty top-hat, and carried a silk umbrella.

"Here he comes!"

"Look, that's him!"

"Give 'un a cheer, boys."

"Hip, hip, hoor-roar!"

The sound burst upon the clear sky in a deafening peal. The stranger
paused and looked confused.

"Dear me!" he murmured to himself, "the population here seems to be
excited about something--and, bless my soul, what a lot of it there
is!"

He might well say so. Along the road, arms, sticks, baskets, and
handkerchiefs were frantically waving; men shouting and children
hurrahing with might and main. Windows were flung up; heads
protruded; flags waved in frenzied welcome. The tumult was
stupendous. There was not a man, woman, or child in Troy but felt
the demonstration must be hearty, and determined to make it a
success.

"What _can_ have caused this riot?"

The stranger paused with a half-timid air, but after a while resumed
his walk. The shouts broke out again, and louder than ever.

"Welcome, welcome to Troy! Hooroar! One more, lads! Hooroar!" and all
the handkerchiefs waved anew.

"Bless my soul, what _is_ the matter?"

Then suddenly he became aware that all this frantic display was meant
for _him_. How he first learnt it he could never afterwards explain,
but the shock of it brought a deathly faintness.

"There is some horrible mistake," he murmured hoarsely, and turned to
run.

He was too late. The crowd had closed around him, and swept him on,
cheering, yelling, vociferating towards the town. He feebly put up a
hand for silence--

"My friends," he shouted, "you are--"

"Yes, yes, we know. Welcome! Welcome! Hip-hip-hoo-roar!"

"My friends, I assure you--"

_Boom! Boom! Tring-a-ring--boom!_

It was that accursed Fife and Drum Temperance Band. In a moment
five-and-twenty fifers were blowing "See, the conquering hero comes,"
with all their breath, and marching to the beat of a deafening drum.
Behind them came a serried crowd with the stranger in its midst, and
a straggling train of farmers' gigs and screaming urchins closed the
procession.

Miss Limpenny, at the first-storey window of No. 1 Alma Villas, heard
the yet distant din. With trembling fingers she hung out of window a
loyal pocket-handkerchief (worn by her mother at the Jubilee of King
George III), shut down the sash upon it, and discreetly retired again
behind her white blinds to watch.

The cheering grew louder, and Miss Limpenny's heart beat faster.
"I hope," she thought to herself, "I hope that their high connections
will not have given them a distaste for our hearty ways. Well as I
know Troy, I think I might be frightened at this display of public
feeling."

She peeped out over the white blinds. Next door, the Admiral was
fuming nervously up and down his gravel walk. He was debating the
propriety of his costume. Even yet there was time to run up-stairs
and don his cocked hat and gold-laced coat before the procession
arrived. Between the claims of his civil and official positions the
poor man was in a ferment.

"As a man of the world," Miss Limpenny soliloquised, "the Honourable
Frederic Goodwyn-Sandys cannot fail to appreciate our sterling
Admiral. Dear, dear, here they come! I do trust dearest Lavinia has
not put herself in too conspicuous a position at the parlour window.
What a lot of people, to be sure!"

The crowd had gathered volume during its passage through the town,
and the "Conquering Hero" was more distractingly shrill than ever.
The goal was almost reached, for "The Bower" stood next door to Alma
Villas, and was divided from them only by a road which led down to
the water's edge and the Penpoodle ferry boat.

"Why, everybody is here," said Miss Limpenny, "except, of course, the
Vicar. There's Pharaoh Geddye waving a flag, and blind Sam Hockin
and Mrs. Hockin with him, I declare, and Bathsheba Merryfield, and
Jim the dustman, and Seth Udy in the band--he must have taken the
pledge lately--and Walter Sibley and a score I don't even know by
sight. And, bless my heart! that's old Cobbledick, wooden leg and
all! I thought he was bed-ridden for life. But I don't see the
arrivals yet. I wonder who that poor man is, in the crowd--it can't
be--and yet--Why, whatever is the Admiral doing?"

For Admiral Buzza had opened his front gate and deliberately stepped
out into the road.

The stranger, dishevelled, haggard and bewildered, had long since
abandoned all attempts at explanation and fallen into a desperate
apathy, when all at once a dozen voices in front cried "Hush!"
The band broke off suddenly, and the cheering died away.

"Make way for the Admiral!" "Out of the road, there!"
"The Admiral's going to speak!" "Silence for the Admiral!"

The stranger looked up and saw through the opening in the crowd a
little man advancing, hat in hand. He had a red face, and the
importance of his mission had lent it even a deeper tint than it
usually wore: his bald head was fringed with stiff grey hair: he was
clothed in "pepper-and-salt" trousers, a blue frock-coat and
waistcoat, and carried a large bunch of primroses in his buttonhole.
His step was full of dignity and his voice of grave politeness, as he
began, with a bow--

"Though not the accredited spokesman of my fellow-citizens here, I am
sure I shall not be deemed presumptuous" (cries of "No") "if I
venture to give expression to some of the kindly sentiments which I
am sure we one and all entertain upon this auspicious occasion."
(Loud cheers.) "For upwards of twenty years I have now resided in
this beautiful and prosperous--I think I may use these words"
("Hear, hear!") "this beautiful and prosperous little town, and it is
therefore with the more sincere pleasure" (here the Admiral laid his
hand upon his waistcoat) "that I bid you welcome to Troy."
(Frantic cheering.) "We had hoped--I say we had hoped--to have seen
your good lady also among us to-day: but doubtless when 'The Bower'
is prepared--the--ahem! the bird will fly thither."

Vociferous applause followed this impromptu trope, and for some
moments the Admiral's voice was completely drowned.

"I hope and trust," he went on, as soon as silence was restored,
"that she enjoys good health."

The stranger looked more perplexed than ever.

"But be that as it may--be that, I say, as it may, my pleasant duty
is now discharged. In the name of my fellow-Trojans and in my own
name I bid you a hearty welcome to 'The Bower.'" (Loud and
continuous cheering, during which the Admiral handed his card with a
flourish, and mopped his brow.)

"I can assure you," replied the stranger after a pause, "that I am
deeply sensible of your kindness--" (The cheering was renewed.)
"While conscious," he went on, "that I have done nothing to deserve
it. In point of fact, I think you must all be labouring under some
ridiculous delusion."

"What do you mean, sir?" gasped the Admiral. "Do you mean to say you
are not the new tenant of this delightful residence?" Then the
speaker waved his hand in the direction of "The Bower."

"Certainly I am not."

"Then, damme, sir! who are you?" cried the Admiral, whose temper was,
as we know, short.

"My name is Fogo," replied the stranger. "Here is my card--Philip
Fogo--at your service."

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