Timothy Templeton - The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth

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THE

ADVENTURES

OF MY

COUSIN SMOOTH.

BY

TIMOTHY TEMPLETON.

OF TEWKSBURY.

New York and Auburn:
MILLER, ORTON & MULLIGAN,

New York: 25 Park Row--Auburn: 107 Genesee St.
London: W.T. Tweedle, Strand, and David Bryce, 48 Paternoster Row.

1856.

Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by

MILLER, ORTON & MULLIGAN,

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for
the Southern District of New York.

Edward R. Jenkins, Printer,
Nos. 26 Frankfort Street.

CONTENTS.

Some Particulars respecting Cousin Smooth
CHAPTER I. --Mr. Smooth in Washington
CHAPTER II. --Mr. Smooth Sups, and goes to Bed
CHAPTER III. --In which Mr. Smooth has an Interview with General Cass
CHAPTER IV. --Mr. Smooth's Dream
CHAPTER V. --A Morning Adventure
CHAPTER VI. --Mr. Smooth finds his Path to the White House a
difficult one
CHAPTER VII. --Mr. Smooth Penetrates the Dark Confines of Mr.
Pierce's Kitchen, where he finds things sadly
confused
CHAPTER VIII. --Mr. Solomon Smooth takes a Fish Breakfast
CHAPTER IX. --Mr. Smooth Circumnavigates the Globe
CHAPTER X. --Smooth preserves Young America's Rights
CHAPTER XI. --Mr. Smooth is Right Side up
CHAPTER XII. --Mr. Smooth makes a few Reflections
CHAPTER XIII. --Mr. Smooth sees a Country great in Resources blighted
by a Narrow Policy
CHAPTER XIV. --Done Brown in Downing Street
CHAPTER XV. --His little Lordship's Show, and a Peep into Downing
Street
CHAPTER XVI. --Smooth Dines with Citizen Peabody
CHAPTER XVII. --Smooth looks in upon the Mixed Commission
CHAPTER XVIII.--Smooth receives the Documents, and calls a Congress
at Ostend
CHAPTER XIX. --Smooth Discovers Himself
CHAPTER XX. --Arrival and Grand Reception at Ostend
CHAPTER XXI. --Fashionable Debts and Fashionable Diplomatists
CHAPTER XXII. --How Smooth got his Manners
CHAPTER XXIII.--Mr. Smooth proposes taking Mr. Pierce's Fighting by
the Job
CHAPTER XXIV. --Mr. Pierce sends Smooth Down East among Britishers
CHAPTER XXV. --The Pious Squire
CHAPTER XXVI. --Smooth encounters a Colonial Justice of strange
Character
CHAPTER XXVII.--Smooth settles all International Difficulties, and
proposes maintaining the very best Understanding
with John Bull

ADVENTURES
OF
MY COUSIN SMOOTH.

SOME PARTICULARS RESPECTING COUSIN SMOOTH

No uncommon type of our "Young America" is Mister Solomon Smooth, the
individual whose part in these sketches was performed for General
Pierce in particular, and "Uncle Sam" in general. Mr. Smooth was born
and "growed" on the extreme south point of Cape Cod--a seemingly
desolate spot, yet somewhat renowned as the birthplace of Long Tom
Coffin. If I would select one of our nation's 'cutest sons; if I were
called upon to name the kind of man with that in his natural
composition to make the safest, shrewdest, and most calculating
merchant; if I were called to pass judgment on the man most qualified
to sustain the spirit and characteristics of the American nation
abroad--one who would never betray our national energy, nor degrade
his profession, nor fail to seek that which might promote the
interests of those who reposed trust in him, at the same time never
forgetting his own--if I were about forming an expedition, and would
provide myself with that character of man upon whom the issue of its
success most depends; if, I say, I would seek the man possessing those
rigid qualities of a moral nature which are a sure protection against
doing aught that may degrade the councils of a nation, I would make
this sandy cape my starting point, and draw from the upward growth of
that stern energy to be found among those flourishing, energetic, and
intelligent communities embraced within that circle which terminates
at Cape Ann, and between the circling arms of which two capes heaves
Boston Bay. But Smooth, though somewhat primitive in his personal
appearance, is none of your common Cape Cod coasters, such as your
Captain Doanes, and Cooks, and Ryders, and Clapps. Not he! So slender
of person is he, that there can be no particular impropriety in our
drawing a comparison between him and that peculiar type of per son
commonly called a Virginian bean-pole. Nor, when he gets himself (as
is not uncommon with him) "all over" native brown homespun, does his
configuration materially change, there yet remaining, and boldly
refusing to be disguised, that face so full of penetration, and those
features so sharp. The waggishly inclined have identified them with
the wizardry of dividing storm currents. Nevertheless, of this lean
conformation, which is better within than the world without is in
general willing to admit, is Smooth particularly proud. In manner,
Smooth is piquant; and being an acknowledged member of the fast
school--that is, a disciple of manifest destiny in particular and
Model Republics in general--he accepts the mission so kindly proffered
him by his unfortunate friend, Mr. General Pierce, and has no
objection to giving the world and kingcraft (the latter rudderless,
and drifting on those quicksands of common sense which it were well
for nations had they proved destructive centuries ago) a few lessons
in the go-ahead principle. What Smooth means to convey by the go-ahead
principle, is simply that when common sense triumphs universal in a
nation, sycophantism dies, and with it that pest of peoples,
kingcraft! So, with the most amiable intentions, does Solomon set out
for Washington, to have a first talk with General Pierce: this talk he
hopes will be a prelude to putting straight the nationalities now
drifting on the rock of intrigue, without that safety-valve which a
people fully conscious of enjoying their rights can give. And while
thus employed, Smooth does not forget that it is a well laid down rule
that many small Presidents may talk very large and yet cut very
ridiculous figures: hence his first talk with Mr. Pierce, who is well
known for general and very respectable characteristics, may be
productive of great good to mankind in a mass. In New England
educated, (that land where niggers may be white men, and white men too
often turn niggers), loving universal rights, peace to consolidate a
nation's good, and keep down that martial spirit which is its
cankering curse--being tenacious of freedom in its broadest
acceptation, and commercial prosperity with a general diffusion of its
results, it is Mr. Smooth's candid opinion that ere another century
rolls into the page of time America will whip, feed, civilize, and
republicanize the great American continent. Could this be done at an
earlier period, so much the better for mankind in general. Smooth was
borne out in this opinion from the fact that Europe had got into a
great fuzzle, the result of which was an equally great fight. Kingdoms
and empires had become disordered, their craft was stranded;
potentates were turning their people into minions of slaughter.
Nicholas (modest god of all the Russias) thought his murdering a few
thousands an act most pious: it was all for the sake of Christianity
and a very small holy _rite!_ On the other hand, there was Mister John
Bull, so dogged at times, and yet so hard to hold once his propensity
for fighting somebody was excited, hurling very unchristian lead and
steel into. Nicholas's subtle-headed serfs. But the thing most
wondrous was, that Uncle John, now foaming with the fever of war, had
got Johnny Crappo at his back instead of his belly--a fact that would
be recorded on the strangest page of history. Strange fighting
companions were they; but as pig and dog do now and then become
bed-fellows, who can give too much expression to his surprise at this
strange Anglo-French combination? Let the world say what it will with
reference to our worthy friend Uncle John fighting the battle of
Mohamedanism--let it lay at his door the grave charge of degrading
himself by seeking to make firm the rotten props of one of the most
debased governments that has stained the history of the world with its
crimes, John will humanely acknowledge the charge while forwarding to
Turkey a copious edition of his "Society for Promoting Christian
Knowledge."

We hope with Mr. Smooth, that Master Bull and Cousin Jonathan may war
only in words. Both are sensible gentlemen; both are keenly alive to
that inspiration called fighting for one's rights; both are for ever
finding a small bone to snarl over; but peace is found the greater
bone, which, by preserving, affords the best picking. Indeed, we must
all admit, that if polite diplomatists and small politicians had their
way, their naughty recriminations would give us plenty of war, with
only bows and smiles to pay for the blood and treasure wasted. But
Mr. Bull is considerate with his power; while Jonathan shrewdly
calculates how much being embroiled in war will disturb his tin
business. May our discretion continue to form the best defence against
war between the most enlightened governments of christendom.

At home our negro question bids very fair to get political parties
into an interminable snarl; which said snarl is made worse by the
singular hopes of those having friends who would like to be next
President of the United States. The "white house," (that shrine of
patriotic worship!) having its avenues strongly bolted and barred with
formidable niggers from Virginia and Carolina, has become a mammon of
faith before which politicians are making sad niggers of themselves.
Mr. Solomon Smooth lamented this; and, in order to ascertain what
could be done in the way of finding a remedy, he determined to plainly
introduce the matter during his first talk with General Pierce;--in a
word, to see what could be done in the way of straightening things ere
he tried the quality of his cigars and Bourbouin whiskey, a large
stock of which the General was known to keep on hand. The party to
which Mr. Smooth belonged, "Young America," enrolled among its numbers
many young gentlemen whose spirits were fast, and young ladies whose
talents were fast increasing; hence it was that he was a firm believer
in the elastic principles of a go-ahead government: such an one,
albeit, as would republicanize Russia, knock Austria into a smash, or
make her declare herself something--revolutionize Europe in general,
and in particular teach kings of the christian faith how very
unchristian it is to wage savage wars. In addition to this, he would
have the world in general more enlightened, and kings made to know
that their highest duty was to mould their conduct after the example
of good citizens. Were this not enough, he would go for annexing to
these "United States" all the rest of creation; Mexico and Central
America in particular, to aid which object he would have the moon
perform a specific part on behalf of manifest destiny.

The reader must remember that our hero Smooth is a man most
unpolished, though never so bad as he seems. But we will let him speak
for himself, and as his letters are addressed to Uncle Sam, of course
those may read who will.

_Enough from the Editor_.

WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D.C.,
JUNE, 1855.

CHAPTER I.

MR. SOLOMON SMOOTH IN WASHINGTON.

"Dear Uncle--Once upon a time you were called Sam; but now that the
reign of Pierce is upon us it is difficult to tell what you may not be
called. Not long since you were the son of greatness, you are now the
shadow of Pierce--the man whose little light posterity will snuff
out. I have thought of you frequently, Uncle: I have seen you in
sorrow looking back upon the past, and my heart has beat with sympathy
as I saw you contrast it with the present. Once patriotism stood on
manly feet, now Bunkam reigns. Politics are turned into drum-sticks,
parties are lost for want of a policy, principles are buried in the
market-place. Mr. Smooth has been long accustomed to hard knocks and
crooked places; but anything so crooked as Mr. Pierce staggers his
digestion. If the concentrated wisdom of the nation riots here
(thought I as I entered the city) who can gainsay my coming? I knew
the atmosphere I entered had foul malaria in it; the city I found as
straight as the face of parties on the other hand was deformed. But
being in the federal city, I became forcibly impressed with the fact,
that your smallest man has the largest expectations, though he will
not object to become the nation's drone. Having made this wonderful
discovery, I took up my line of march for the National Hotel, a
gorgeous palace where an uncouth million meet to revel in cheap
luxury. So large was the house that a pilot to guide me through its
thousand galleries to bed was an indispensable necessity. I was
fatigued, and cared not where I hung up. Large as was the
establishment, everything looked so costly that I became cautious lest
what I sat down upon might become soiled, in which event I might be
compelled to pay the shot with a short locker; or, should the case go
before Pierce, he might in the profundity of his wisdom exile me to
some remote spot on the Mosquito coast. I walked into the
establishment like one who feels himself an independent citizen, and
then commenced looking at the place and the people, as the people
commenced looking at me. Returning looks, and question-asking, seemed
the fashion. 'Stranger!' said a well dressed but rather inquisitive
individual, 'you must, to be anybody in this place, smother yourself
in dignity, and eat dough-nuts of Southern make. Large quantities of
this diet are made now at the White House; in fact Pierce has turned
the establishment into a factory, where that article is manufactured
_ad libitum_, and all are expected to eat.' I thought the person who
thus accosted me had large experience of matters in general, for he
gave me a slanting wink and a cunning nudge, which I rendered into an
insinuation to stand treat. I affected not to understand him, and
edging aside a pace, made a bold effort to gain the long and very
expensive mahogany counter that stretched half across the office, and
behind which glowed out the figure of a fat citizen, whom I stared
right in the face. You cannot get cleverly through this world without
brass; if in your face you have enough to establish a foundery, so
much the better. It is indispensable in political matters; and,
whether right or wrong, the reader can best judge. I have thought the
smaller the politician, the larger were his dealings in the article.
No one could be more cautious how they scandalized their neighbours
than I am; this, Uncle Sam, you well know; but I question the policy
of being delicate during the reign of Pierce, whose cabinet recalls to
my mind the story of the clacking hen, that forever kept up a noise
without laying one egg. To make your way in Washington, you must storm
and put to route a whole platform of valiant gentlemen, who have
become political images in brass. As they love you, Uncle Sam, so also
would they live upon you, die upon you, be buried at your expense, and
their friends be very angry were you not a mourner at the
funeral. This I, Smooth, declare an honest fact, notwithstanding the
high respect I entertain for all those patriotic gentlemen who would
take such care of my Uncle's affairs.

"Now, this very phlegmatic and good natured citizen, who stood: behind
the mahogany, had a face as broad and placid as a town-clock seen by
moonlight. His figure, too, was tightly driven into a suit of
extravagant cloth, and altogether presented the appearance of having
quite recently escaped from the hands of James, his tailor. It was not
in the power of man to analyze his character from what he said, for
what he said meant nothing, when judged by the world's wisdom; but you
saw that James had succeeded in making him in love with himself.
Should he chance to read this imperfect sketch, he will excuse me when
I say he seemed a person brought up to himself, and entertaining the
hope that at no distant day he would become a very important
character--perhaps outshine General Pierce himself. He looked at me,
and I looked at him; then he grinned at me, and I grinned at him. At
last I said, I reckoned we might draw the game. I then added, that
from the look of the establishment I could not be wrong in assuming
that they did a large business in the way of feeding hungry
politicians and honester people. 'You may stake some on that, old
feller,' says he, with a suspicious leer. His nasal was somewhat
strong, so I put him down as from Vermont State, perhaps from the more
mountainous part of it. As if shy of my patronage he upon the counter,
pompous, spread his hands, as if the mahogany was all his. This
seeming indifference rather touched my dignity, which was of tender
quality, so I cast upon him a look he could not misinterpret,
inquiring if he could tie a body up for the night in a spare corner.
'You may bet on that! got a spare pin we can hook ye on somehow, I
reckon;' he ejaculates, sprawling his elbows, and making a support of
his fleshy hands, from between which his face peered like a soft
pumpkin sorely squeezed. In this position he stared, and stared, until
his countenance assumed an anxiety, equalled only by that of a stump
lecturer about inaugration time--say one, who had hoped for the
mission to the court of St. James, but as a matter of patriotism would
not decline the Dublin Consulship. At length he condescended to say,
with an air of languishing endurance, that 'he could do me up brown,
in the way of comfortable quarters.' I thanked him for his great
kindness, said I wanted to exercise a judicious economy, and could not
do the extensive, like those persons sprawling in easy arm chairs at
the left hand corner, to whom I pointed, and who, like Mr. President
Pierce's representatives abroad, were making a great noise to no
purpose. After looking quizically at the tie-up under my arm, then at
my tall white hat, and again at the coarse weave of my homespun, he
inquired if that (pointing to the bundle) constituted my
baggage. Instantly I told him it was none of his business; that there
was no occasion for his feeling so large, though Mr. Pierce was
President. He made an upright of himself, and very civilly rejoined
that there was no place this side of Cape Horn--and he doubted if
there was on the other side--where it was so necessary to see the
colateral as this Washington. He was proceeding to say much more, and
something about the doubtful character of General Pierce and his
friends, when I interrupted by saying, I thought he must have
forgotten my name. 'Smooth is my name,' I reiterated, 'of the Young
American party, the party that intends doing up the manifest destiny
for mankind.'

"'Manifest destiny never pays debts: must see the collateral 'afore we
tie ye up! Fact is, stranger, we must have the hold-fast for fear of
the shot falling short. The General has got so many tin-less friends,
who visit Washington on a small affair of business (here he gave his
shoulders a significant shrug), that a body has to keep a sharp eye in
the wind.' Suddenly he began to drum on the mahogany, screw his face
into a disc of puckers, and look so wise. So glad did he seem, that he
whistled Yankee Doodle with the variations, looked every which way,
and then laughed right out at what he called Smooth's outfit.

"'Needn't laugh at the fixens--old feller!' says I, 'Uncle Sam and me
are going into the tin business, and Sam, being a generous old butt,
will stand all the treats and hotel bills. Besides that, I was born in
the very sand heap where Tom Coffin was raised.'

"'Who cares for Tom' says he, turning aside, and making a polite bow
to a thirsty senator from the far west: the senatorial gent bent his
neck over, and approaching with his lips the ear of the important
individual, whispered something from out the smallest corner. This
something, when translated into decent English, might be rendered
thus:--If justice and gin slings are administered at your bar, pray
direct me the way to it! The fat man pointed up a narrow, dark, and
very long passage; and then suddenly turning to me, he said: 'If Tom
Coffin lived now-a-days, when politics went on the fast, he wouldn't
be worth shooks, he not having a vote, nor wanting an office under the
new administration.' 'Now, stranger,' says I, directing a look as if I
was going to strike something at him, 'don't make such a fuss about
the needful--look'a here!' I just plumps out Uncle Zack Brewster's
letter, and having fascinated his eye, tells him how Cochran and Riggs
'll do the dust. Like an hydraulic current let loose did the fellow
prick up his ears: then he said, '_do_ tell,' with a musical emphasis
that seemed so full of credit. Again he drew a long breath, and a
seriousness came over his face that could only be likened to that of a
South Carolina locomotive when drawing a whole convention of
secessionists, who, having failed in devising means to dissolve the
'federal union,' were returning homeward very melancholy.

"'Never doubted Mr. Smooth's word,' says he, with simple
dryness,--'but, notwithstanding, painful is the experience that
office-holders and seekers, though always kind to Uncle Sam, and
tenacious of his dignity and cashbag, seldom maintain the same
earnestness for their own when legitimates are left in the key-hole.'

"'You mean that the General's friends don't shine over on the square?'

"'Precisely so!--Mr. General Pierce himself is a sort of mixed stripe;
but his friends (and he has regiments of them!), all fighters in the
Mexican war when he was brigadier, expect so much something material
for themselves that all _outsiders_ are forgotten. Now and then the
General is sorry to inform his many friends that he is a little ill;
to which a voice here and there is heard to say that he is not
inclined to do the clean thing.'

"Well, I saw what the feller wanted; so I pulled out a fist full of
shiners, just to show him what Young America could do. The seeing the
dimes smoothed him down into the most agreeable amiability. His face
loomed out with good natur, his feelings seemed coming right from his
inards; and he struck up Yankee Doodle by way of an offset.

"'Pooty full, Mr. Smooth,' he generously remarked, 'but we must try
accommodate you somehow! We'll tuck you away in a spare corner, high
up!'

"'That's a good soul,' said I,--'know'd ye warn't a bad sort of
fellow,--when a body understood how to get the good out!'

"'Apartments for Solomon Smooth, Esq., from Cape Cod,' he said,
mutteringly, looking over his book, and drumming with his fingers on
the page. Mr. Smooth, in proof of his fast principles, will have no
objection to tying up in the seventh story?'

"'Rather stiff that, Major! Young America can do most anything,--hang
up on a pin if it be necessary to accommodate, but don't just like the
moon for a bedfellow.'

"'Won't trouble you with a bedfellow, Mr. Smooth,' he, grinned out,
shaking all over his broad sides.

"It being well understood in Washington that great men were most
condescending, while little men, with large expectations, were most
aspiring, there was nothing left but to cut a course between the two.
As for the latter quality of gentlemen, they never stood at trifles,
and when they failed to get the big business, had not the slightest
objection to the small,--which was the doing all Mr. President
Pierce's thinking. Therefore, be it known that, with a full knowledge
of this sad state of affairs, did I write down:--'Mr. Solomon Smooth,
from Cape Cod:' which, when down, looked like the footprints of a hen
that, having dipped her claws in an inkstand, had waddled across the
page. Thus ended my induction at the National.

CHAPTER II.

MR. SMOOTH SUPS, AND GOES TO BED.

"At length, Uncle Sam, I found myself somebody; and while looking
about me on the many well-dressed and very good-natured gentlemen who
subsisted on the hope of your generosity, could not avoid the
contemplation of what a glorious world this of ours must be,
possessing as it does so many good hearted souls like yourself, so
rich--but as indifferent to their own best interests. 'You will take
supper, Mr. Smooth?' inquired the man behind the mahogany. Before I
had time to speak, he pulled a bell that jingled like Jehu. And then
there came scampering in a school of negroes, so tidy, trim, and
intelligent. One bowed--another smiled--a third waited with a
salutation my commands. 'Take care of Mister Smooth!' again spoke the
man behind the mahogany, as with an effort to be commanding in accent.
That they might know more emphatically (as Uncle Tom Benton says) that
Mr. Smooth was none of your common citizen, I turned my eyes on the
darkies, and stared at them until they turned pale. Then one possessed
himself of my bundle: moving off with a scientific motion, and a bow
_a la cabinet_, he bid me follow. Obeying his summons, onward we went,
through a long, dark passage, and into a spacious hall up stairs,
where he said they eat their people. No sooner was I bowed to a seat
than a dozen gentlemen darkies set upon me in good earnest; so fast
did they beset me with eatables that I begun to think they had
mistaken me for a thanksgiving turkey about to be fatted for the table
of the secretary of the treasury. The fixins, as Mr. Samuel Slick
would say, made one feel quite at home; not so with the darkies: they
recognizing my home spun, soon became sassy; whereupon I turned round
and set upon _them_ with the broadest grin I could summon. Nor could I
withhold a laugh at seeing them laugh. 'Reckon how mas'r's on big
business to Washington wid Mr. General Pierce,' says one, whose face
was black, and bright, and full of the quizzical; while another, with
a flat crooked nose gave a cunning wink out of his left eye. This
being detected by a superior, in the brisk person of a son of the
Emerald Isle, who stood well six feet in his boots, a 'soucer' with
the broad front of his knuckle bones, between the colored gentleman's
two eyes, was the rejoinder--a most striking remonstrance, that laid
him measuring the floor. Troth! an' it's myself 'd stop yer
botheration. Sure, ye dark spalpeens, is it by the same token ye'd
trate the gintleman? (Here the honest son of sweet Erin showed signs
of his Doneybrook getting the better of him.) 'Myself 'll take care of
Mr. Smooth--doesn't he belong to the self same party, the
know-nothings? The divil a such a country, as Hamirike: an' it's the
boys from Donegal that 'ud be taking her dignity in care.' Saying
this, Mr. Patrick (for such was his name) stretched the whole length
of his important self over the table, and says:--I'm yers to the
buckle of my shoe, Mr. Smooth! It's a divil a one but yerself I'll
vote for at the next helection. Sure, an' didn't mysel jine the native
Hamerikan party, with Tom Connolly, afore we'd been two months on the
beloved soil an', sure, it's Tom and myself that's goin to put through
the _nonothin_ for ye.' Here Mr. Patrick anxiously paused for a
reply. To never say a bad thing when I could not think of a good, ever
has been my motto; so I returned his good nature with saying:--'Give
us yer hand, Mr. Patrick--we will forget the two, and yet be one! and
that our faith may be made strong, we will together do brown the
patriotism of these United States.

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