Timothy Templeton - The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth

T >> Timothy Templeton >> The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth

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CHAPTER XVII.

SMOOTH LOOKS IN UPON THE MIXED COMMISSION.

"Mr. President Pierce, who was by his friends supposed to be a comical
and very small miniature of General Jackson's political school, and
whose cabinet was of the Bunkum stripe, intimated to Minister Smooth,
in one of the interviews he had with him, which were numerous and very
confidential, that in his tour over Europe it might prove profitable
to the country in general were he to keep a sharp eye on the movements
of a very respectable firm which did business under the name and in
the style of Soule, Saunders, and Co.--funny functionaries, who were
now cutting figure No. 1, and expecting him (the man Pierce) to cut
the smaller figure No. 2. No one personally acquainted with the merits
of the aforesaid gentlemen would be surprised to hear that they had
threatened kingdoms, emperors, and kings, astonished peoples, and
given deluded individuals wonderful opinions of that country which
could send such embodiments of its wisdom and spirits to their
aid. Indeed, Smooth found himself, while in Europe, made an exception
to the generality of Mr. Pierce's diplomatists, whom, it was generally
admitted, had either shown spunk or turned gentlemen fighters to no
account. It mattered not how much these strange sprigs of capricious
Young America misrepresented American manners, education, and
sentiments; no, to revolutionary spirits of the _real-red order_ were
they the all-great of America's bone and soul. But let us not arouse
the gods by recounting their many follies; the generous soul of
America has indeed been compelled by them to father many an
extravagance; and, too, though more modest, had not Mr. Pierce
delegated extensive powers to the Tomkin's family for the very
harmless purpose of transacting over the world such business as old
Sam had several times declared unnecessary, and which was in
opposition to the interests of the nation, the said Sam being expected
to pay all the shot. Pierce said Smooth must keep an eye practically
to windward in reference to the business this species of gentry were
sent to perform. Hence, acting from principle, which was Smooth's
motto, and with a full knowledge that Sam was curiously good-natured,
had broad and ever open pockets to accommodate that worthy
characteristic, which no one thought it any harm to relieve, he gave
his (Smooth's) assurance that the charge of neglect never should be
laid at his door--that he would watch the Tomkinses! To deny the
existence of a singular prompting to kill time over aught that Sam
stood sponsor for, was a very good-natured absurdity; few indeed could
be found who did not consider him an old foodle, who had fathered more
expensive abortions than any other individual, and was willing to
father more. How, then, could Mr. Pierce help viewing with suspicion
the performances of those tool-grinders he had sent abroad! The amount
of kitchen labor he had himself performed and the number of times he
had laid on the grindstone to the turning of his man Fourney, formed
no excuse; forsooth, it enabled him the more clearly to comprehend the
ins and outs of this wholesale style of coming possum over poor old
Sam, whose credulity was only surpassed by that fatherly old
gentleman, Mr. John Bull, whom millions love to live upon, and spend
their lives in getting out his affections and his purse.

"Now John and Jonathan had for many years amused one another with the
long-drawn music of diplomacy, played on very expensive keys, made
with the express view of settling all ungrateful international
growlings. Diplomacy, nevertheless, found these growlings beyond its
power to reconcile; and now, having worn out its pipe over them, they
were shuffled off upon the genius of a mixed commission, which high
convention was expected to exert common sense and forego etiquette,
and result in a mutual settlement of all outstanding questions since
1812. But, by a mysterious process, which never fails of effect in
such cases, a deal of time had been unprofitably consumed by this
supposed immaculate commission. And now the high contracting parties
sought an extension, that much more might be consumed in the very same
way. Uncle Sam being very good-natured, the request could not be
refused.

"Through the Strand to Wellington street, Mister Smooth wended his
way, and soon found himself between rows of high and stately
buildings, in one of which, all calm and easy, sat the convention.
Entering a narrow arch to the right, he passed down a passage so
intricate and dark that it had the appearance of leading to a cave,
and in a few minutes was confronted by a polite attendant, who ushered
him into the presence of the international dignitaries, then sitting
round a large square table, in the centre of the room, in moody
contemplation. The room was high of ceiling, about twenty-five by
eighteen feet in dimensions, and in appearance very well adapted to
the pursuit of knowledge, for the display of legal ability. Upon the
table, which seemed somewhat infirm, lay in excellent disorder, a few
massive books, two green bags, a jacknife, Murray's Grammar, Walker's
largest Dictionary, four large pipes, an ample supply of fine-cut
tobacco, and sundry very bad writing materials. In one corner of the
room spread out a green screen, behind which was various simple but
very useful ware; this, together with two extra chairs for strangers,
standing at the other corner, constituted the furniture. There was a
strong legal air about the table, notwithstanding its promiscuous
burden. At the head of it sat like Cicero--but he had none of Cicero's
genius in his soul!--a man moody of countenance and portly of person:
he was called the Umpire, and they said he was chosen because of his
birthplace being America. Some had gone so far as to characterize the
choice an evidence that Mr. Bull was inclined to act upon the square,
and permit Cousin Jonathan to have it all his own way,--never for once
keeping in mind that it mattered but little where a man's birthplace
was, if he had long since forgotten the spirit of its institutions.
Indeed, as far as sympathy and manners are concerned, an American may
be more than an Englishman, and _vice versa_. Smooth does not mean to
insinuate that the case is illustrated in the present functionary,
whose face was of that stern cast which at times would lead to believe
it unhappy under the fatigue of a too solid body. To this singularly
stern face was added a nose, facetious gentlemen might be inclined to
call the ripening fruits of good wine, while pervading all was an air
of sordidness curiously at variance with the good parts repute
asserted he possessed. Smooth would have taken him for a man whose
mind was of a mechanical turn; for at times he would become dreamy,
his eyes would close within leaden lids, and his body seem prone to
cool away into sleep's gentlest embrace. Again he would, as if with
much effort, raise those leaden eyelids, draw forth a languid breath,
stretch his arms athwart, and, as if 'twere pain, listen to the legal
logic boring its dryness into his very soul. The tax did indeed seem
beyond his power of endurance.

"Being introduced all round, Smooth commenced the conversation by
saying, in a warm and good-natured sort of way:--'Well, Citizens!--how
do ye make out to get time over the bank? S'pose it's because Uncle
Sam stands at the gangway serving the shot?' They did not seem to
brighten up at this remark. It was evidently viewed as rather out of
place; for the Umpire quickened his nodding, and the other five
functionaries constituting the convention permitted their faces to
yield looks by no means significant of good-nature. Quoth, by the way
of conventionality, were they right glad to see Minister Smooth;
further, they shook him warmly by the hand, and made many inquiries
about Pierce and his policy--a thing he never had, hence the
impossibility of enlightening them. Mr. Pierce had an eye to Cuba, but
no policy whatever with regard to the getting of it: in addition to
this, Pierce himself so far defied analyzation that many grave and
experienced diplomatists had declared the problem beyond their power
to solve.

"Again, our grave conventionists said they had heard it whispered that
Minister Smooth (generally called Solomon Smooth, Esq.), being special
Minister of Mr. General Pierce to nowhere in particular, had secret
instructions to arrange matters for the holding of an extraordinary
convention at Ostend; which said convention, being principally
composed of very respectable foreign gentlemen, would especially take
into consideration the Cuba question, as also the deciding the point
as to whether the Spanish spirit of the people of that island would
detract from the national purity of Americanism. In the event of Cuba
forming an integral part of the federal compact, a grave question
would here be involved. Assuring them they were not wrong in their
conjectures, Smooth was invited to sit down, in a very honorary
position, where, having examined certain papers pertaining to previous
proceedings, and passed an undivided approval upon them, he remained
in all his dignity, listening with great legal seriousness to the very
important case then being argued by General F----, whose eloquence was
of the 'rip-roarer' style, and whose tragical flourishes were as
terrific as dangerous to the limbs all persons in proximity. Smooth's
seat was at the left of the Umpire, that functionary's right being
flanked by a gentleman lean of figure and studious of countenance,
said to be the American Commissioner, a worthy person of great legal
abilities. A little below Smooth sat the compact figure of a man in a
genteel garb; an air of amiability sat on his countenance, which ever
and anon seemed playful; indeed, the very soul of geniality darted
from a pair of large blue eyes that gave great softness to an oval
face, nicely outlined in its parts. In a word, he was what might be
called a very promising limb of the modernly honorable law profession;
nor would our opinion of him have been less exalted had he refrained
from the very innocent sport of amusing himself with blowing peas
through a quill, which he did in all the playfulness of youth, his
head being level with the surface of the table the while. We had never
supposed him the British Commissioner but for the assurance of those
in possession of stronger proof than we had been permitted to see. A
little below him, and with seeming indifference to the arguments of
which General F---- was relieving his mind, sat a sharp-featured man,
whose lithe figure, clear complexion, quick gray eyes, finely arched
eyebrows, well-developed brow, and head, superstructured with a
profusion of light Saxon hair, that hung soft and smooth down his
neck, an even cut mouth, with thin lips, slightly turned, and
disclosing teeth of great regularity and pearly whiteness,--a nose
high, sharp, and strictly Grecian, gave him a personel of more than
ordinary attractions. Smooth apprehends the reader will not charge him
with a diversion when he says that any lady of taste might have become
enamored of this gentleman without for a moment subjecting herself to
the charge of stupidity. Queen Victoria might, indeed, claim for
herself the merit of having done a pretty thing for Cousin Jonathan;
for the two pretty gentlemen she had chosen to represent her in the
mixed commission bespoke how much she had regarded the value of
personal beauty in the settlement of those claims, so long
outstanding, and so beset with grave difficulties. Notwithstanding all
this, the last gentleman was said to be young, but a clever lawyer.
Now a play of the humorous invaded his face; and while from his eye
there came out a strong love of the ludicrous, a curl of sarcasm now
and then ruffled his lip. They called him the British agent--in other
words, the Counsel for Her Most Gracious Majesty. Smooth had no
stronger evidence of this fact than that the gentleman seemed very
contented with the way time went, amusing himself with making paper
spy-glasses,[*] with which he quizzed objects on the floor, then took
lunar observations through it, the broad disc of the Umpire's red face
affording the medium of a planet. To General F----, who was then in the
full pressure of his speech, making his, to him, crushing arguments a
legal treadmill for his handsome brother, he seemed a perfect pest,
inasmuch as whenever the General had got a real stunner of an argument
on the crook of his mind, and just where he would be sure to lose it
if the course were not left clear, he was sure to interrupt him with
some annoying question, which in most cases amounted to nothing less
than disputing the premises assumed. The General had not received
these interruptions with so much perturbation but that they were
always coupled with a sarcastic leer, the significance of which had
not been well directed, nor should ever be indulged in by legal
brethren engaged in the settlement of grave international
questions. The reader may say:--'who so cruel as to begrudge the legal
gentry their little innocent sport!' As the British Cabinet is at
times a sort of toy, with which the facetious House of Commons loves
to play the game of knockdown (just for the fun of seeing how much
trouble it costs the nation to build it up) so the good-natured
gentlemen of this mixed commission seemed to view the gravest
international questions.

[Footnote: The writer here describes what he saw, without any attempt at
ridicule.]

"'I reiterate!' continued General Flum, for it was no less a personage
than he who poured out his eloquence to the Convention: 'If the
gentleman for t'other side of this question was only to read Kent's
Commentaries, or take a peep into one Story's pleadings, 'twould do
him more good nor all (we quote verbatim) the stale law he's larned in
the Inner Temple--'twould!' Here Flum paused, and majestically turned
round, as if to see how his antagonist felt. His legal brother was
very quietly pursuing his lunars with the paper tube, expecting soon
to work up all the curious angles of the Umpire's face. To properly
intersperse this amusement he would now and then bestow a good-natured
and very sly wink upon a wag who sat at the opposite side of the
table, ever and anon tickling with the feather of his quill the nasal
organ of the Secretary, who had just melowed away into a delicious
nap. Flum proceeded: 'I mean no disrespect to the proficiency, or to
the very high position which my learned brother holds in this
Convention; but what will be said by the two governments when it is
found that among the great array of cases brought before this high
tribunal so few have been settled without a reference to the Umpire? I
sincerely believe that did Her Majesty's Councillor exhibit more
readiness to meet our demands with a liberal and becoming spirit, many
of the cases which have passed before this high tribunal might have
been settled with little consumption of time, and at small cost to the
nation. I know General Pierce won't like the way things are done here,
and how can I doubt, seeing the distinguished person present who
represents him in the capacity of special Minister (here Smooth
acknowledged the compliment by making one of his very best bows), that
he will be made acquainted with the facts.' The Umpire, his
countenance quickening, would inform gentlemen that the many
personalities and invidious references he had so often heard reminded
him rather of the pettifoggers of a police-court than the high
representatives of two great governments, met for the purpose of
dispassionately discussing the merits of grave international
questions. He had become wearied over such a useless waste of time,
had purchased a whole library of law books (which he hoped never
hereafter to have occasion to use), and must content himself with
honor for his recompense. Now he was willing to submit to the world
whether there could be any honor conferred upon him by sitting from
day to day, listening, at the same time using every effort to keep
awake, to the legal _cross-shots_ of gentlemen not inclined to agree
to anything. The Umpire ended in a voice deep and musical, drew
himself again into his attitude of contemplation, and like an Egyptian
Sphinx seemed gravely studious with himself.

"The American Commissioner approved of all that had fallen from the
lips of the honorable gentleman. So did the English Commissioner, who
suspended his little amusement of the quill and the peas, and
commenced examining the pages of his Vattel. Having laid aside the
paper spyglass, our English agent rose quickly to his feet, and with
eyes darting legal tenacity, said he had a few remarks to make in
reply to what he considered had very improperly fallen from the lips
of his legal brother. He did not intend disrespect to the very
honorable Umpire, nor the gentlemen Commissioners, when he said that
the rules on which the business of the Commission had been conducted
seemed to him to be a complete mumble, growing deeper and deeper with
difficulties. Language had been used in that forum which would be more
genially localized in Whitechapel, Drury Lane, St. Giles's, or the
Surrey Side: he was sorry to see his transatlantic brother so familiar
with the piquant jargon of those atmospheres it were well not to be
too familiar with.

"'May it please the Umpire, I ask the protection of this tribunal from
any such imputation as the gentleman's insinuation would leave me
under,' said the General, almost bursting of anger.

"There seemed to be a nice little difficulty brewing, which threatened
a readier dispatch of business than that which had marked their
efforts in the settlement of claims outstanding. Here again the
Umpire, with the aid of his two Commissioners, interposed for the
peace and respectability of Mr. Pierce's family. And here Mr. Smooth
is happy beyond his power of expression to state, that after a very
few unmeaning explanations, the gentlemen Councillors bowed politely
to each other, laughed with buffoonish good-nature, nor seemed a whit
less than the very best of friends. 'If General--will proceed with his
argument!' said the Umpire, gravely, by way of what writers call
parenthesis. 'Then, to the point of this case: now, ye see, the law on
our side of the water aint a bit like it is here, on this; 'specially
with cases of this kind. This is the case of a vessel with niggers on
board, bound from one part of the United States to t'other, but driven
by what sailors call stress of weather into a British port called
Bermuda, where the natives (report says they are not very
enlightened), not having the fear of God before their eyes, nor
understanding the constitution of the United States, nor comprehending
the principle by which certain democratic States in the free American
Union make good property of such things as men, did regardless of the
laws of those States, insult the sovereign flag, which was alike the
protection of property and citizen, no matter in what part of the
world it floated, and set all the niggers free! After consuming an
hour in arguments of this stamp, the General claimed to have made out
his case, inasmuch as the niggers being property to the laws of the
States to which they belonged, and the flag of the United States being
absolute in its character of a protection,--no matter under what local
jurisdiction,--the claim against England for compensation was as just
an one as ever man could present for man; did she withhold payment, it
must be at her peril.'

"His legal brother now rose, a good-natured smile playing over his
sharp face. Before commencing, he would say he wished his learned
brother had taken a more dispassionate view of the case, and laid down
a basis of broader principles. Much of the difficulty in settling the
many claims that had been presented for adjudication arose from the
fact of his learned brother laying down rules to suit his own case,
which he would not admit when applied against him. Further, he had not
the most faint idea of the nigger question being dragged before this
tribunal for adjudication. He had hoped that that question might be
left for settlement on the soil of America, where those best
acquainted with the evil could most readily find a remedy. But if it
were true that the flag was inviolable, and that such was held as law,
and regarded in good faith by the federal government of the United
States, how came it that certain States in the federal compact so far
disregarded the rule as to scoff at the idea of the flag being
superior to the municipal regulations of the port; invade the decks of
British vessels, regardless of the flag; and drag from beneath its
folds British citizens, whom they incarcerated and made criminals
merely to suit the caprices of a municipal statute? Strange indeed was
it for a nation great as was the American to lay down a principle of
foreign policy the action of which could only be allowed when it
suited the immediate interests of that nation, and was rejected when
it came in collision with them. He would tell the learned
representative of that nation, that the spirit manifested in such a
course to him 'seemed more to comport with that specious style of
conducting business better understood among hucksters!' Here the man
of the American side of the house evinced some excitement, and quickly
rising to his feet, said he would not stand silently by and hear such
imputations cast upon his house, country, and people. The judiciary of
the United States could not be impugned--none was purer; while the
foreign policy of the United States stood out a model for the nations
of Europe to pattern from. A counter interruption again took
place. The Umpire drew a long breath; the good-looking English
Commissioner heaved a sigh, and again commenced amusing himself with
the quill; the sedate American Commissioner yawned, and turned
contemplatively the leaves of a commentary; to end, they all seemed
seized with the yawning fever, which was kept up until they laughed
right earnestly at one another, the handsome gentleman stretching his
arms athwart, and making a hideous grimace. At length this state of
things was put an end to by the Umpire, who did hope gentlemen would
see, in his dinner hour having arrived, the necessity of either
resting the arguments here, or postponing them for another day.

"In rejoining, her Majesty's sharp featured Councillor having
pronounced a high eulogium on his Honor's power of endurance, and the
onerous duties imposed upon him by the Governments which he so nobly
sought to serve, and from whom the mere honor afforded but a meagre
compensation, (inasmuch as he felt convinced the proverbial
ingratitude of Governments would be carried out in their not even
compensating him for the large outlay he had been constrained to make
in law books) hoped he might be permitted to make a few more remarks.
His honor bowing assent, the well-looking legal gentleman, in blandest
accents, proceeded to say Jonathan must not lay a foundation for
others he was first to knock down; for if a rule applied to great
principles it must not be made subservient to small exigencies of an
opposite character: Jonathan must bow to his own stumbling-blocks. It
did, however, seem that this Commission had been viewed by certain
parties as a sort of _ola podra_; before which deluded persons thought
nothing more certain than that their manifold grievances would be
patiently heard, their claims find a ready settlement, and their
family affairs all be handsomely arranged. There had been men from the
coast of Africa seeking a protection under cousin Jonathan's wing, by
which their demands on Old John were to them certain of being paid.
There were good men from Manchester, who, forgetting their
anti-slavery sentiment's, sought a relationship with our noble cousin
which dated from previous to 1812, and under the shadow of his wings
now sought to make the rascally Britishers pay for certain slaves
frittered away from them while residing in Georgia, during the last
war. There too, were noble Dukes and Earls presenting claims against
our cousin for certain lands in Florida, presented long since to them
by some imbecile king, who would upon the same style of conditions,
have given away the whole Continent. The said gentlemen had long since
forgotten the titles, and were only reminded of them by the existence
of this Commission. English gentlemen from Mexico sought, through the
virtues of this Commission, pay for property appropriated by General
Scott during the Mexican war. Pensionless widows thought it the grand
centre of generosity, and sought through it compensation for dead
husbands. Holders of Mississippi bonds regarded it a perfect El
Dorado, at the shrine of which those long repudiated mementoes would
be duly paid, hopes and angry passions requited, and old Mississippi
herself again, as bright as a new-coined Jackson cent: and last, but
not least, gentlemen with very credulous and speculative faculties,
and who held the most doubtful species of Florida bonds, had made
their hearts glad on the certain payment of them by the Commission.
'In a word,' said the learned Councillor, 'nothing can be more certain
to my mind (and I am borne out in the belief by the variety and
character of the claims presented to this Commission) than that the
whole world is beginning to look on our worthy transatlantic cousin as
the most generous, if not the most credulous, fellow extant! Whether
his model friend George Saunders, can take to himself any merit for
having created this now very general opinion in Europe (by virtue of
his most extraordinary circulars), Smooth is unable to decide; but
certain is it that every disaffected subject on the continent who can
get up spleen enough to fancy himself a much injured republican--'
Here General F---- interrupted, by submitting to the honorable Umpire
whether these remarks were not gratuitous, irrelevant, and
improper. The Umpire, having given his opinion that they were unduly
long (extending a whole hour beyond his dinner-time), begged the
gentleman would turn the key to his concluding remarks. 'I have only
another remark to make,' rejoined the gentleman with the sharp face:
'If Sydney Smith had lived, there would have been more wit and sarcasm
levelled at this mixed Commission than would have filled an octavo
volume. I cannot forbear to say, however, that strange as is the
character of many of these demands, claims, and grievances, some of
them might have been settled without such a deplorable waste of time,
had it not been for the interference of that phantom devil,
Mr. General Pierce's black pig, who is always construing principles to
suit his purposes. So avaricious is that animal, that no amount of
swill seems to pacify his desire to overthrow principles and defeat
great objects. No place would seem too obscure for the brute to get
his nose into; no demands too egregious for his appetite; no rights
too daintily established for his disregard. He is here, there, and
everywhere--demanding with the same ferocious spirit. We had hoped
Mr. General Pierce would keep him at home during the deliberations of
this Convention: let us console our disappointment by trusting to what
the future may bring forth.' Here the Umpire's patience was at an
end--patience no longer remained with him a virtue. He rose moodily
from his seat, said the sitting would adjourn until to-morrow,
and betook himself to his dinner, which he added he feared would get
as cold as the gentlemen's pleas. This was rather abruptly bringing
matters to a close. The legal gentlemen, as if disturbed elsewhere
than in their thoughts, looked terror-stricken, packed up their law
tools, shouldered their green bags, and, in the company of Mr. Smooth,
sought a place whereat to bestow good care on the inner temple.
Smooth, with all deference to the opinions of the very respectable
gentlemen of the mixed Commission, begs to inform his readers, and Mr.
Pierce in particular, that they never will catch him looking in upon
them again.

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