Timothy Templeton - The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth

T >> Timothy Templeton >> The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth

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CHAPTER XVIII.

SMOOTH RECEIVES THE DOCUMENTS, AND CALLS A CONGRESS AT OSTEND.

"Several months having passed, during which no further instructions
from the General came to hand, I began to think he had forgotten my
mission, and taken himself to dieting on gunpowder and War-Messages
for the next Congress. Then I received a private note from his boy
Caleb, in which he stated very confidentially that everything was
waiting the next turn in the Brigadier's mind. Caleb's letter
discovered much impatience with his position, and a good many sly
remarks which were intended as a hit at Marcy and his budget. I should
tell the reader that an additional cause of my anxiety was the not
receiving a reply to a private and confidential note to Pierce, in
which I remonstrated with him against the propriety of holding a thing
so open to base ridicule as a Congress of American Ministers at
Ostend. That fraternity of infallibility, kings and princes, might
become somewhat uneasy at its presence, many honest-hearted
republicans would be deceived, and its result be only the illustration
of an unprecedented amount of folly on the part of the American
Executive. But the thing was a great pet with Caleb, Jeff, and Pierce,
who knew that Marcy would have to father the abortions, which were
generally laid at his door. With all these very natural difficulties
before me, I decided to charter the next Collins steamer, and proceed
to the White House, there to learn in person what the boys were doing.
I was anxious to know what had become of Pierce and Papa--whether Papa
was yet administering the pap-spoon to the General, by way merely of
counteracting the effect of the charcoal being _piled on_ by the
boys--Jeff and Caleb. Now, lest there should be any one in Washington
unwilling to separate Smooth's better inclinations from the general
character of the Convention to be holden, he would here say that the
very best of his abilities were exerted with the General against the
policy of making his Ministers cut so ridiculous a figure in
Europe. He knew also that Monsieur Souley would take upon himself all
the cooking business, and have it all his own way, as they say in
England.

"One morning, while consoling myself with the prospect of soon leaving
Europe, its aristocracy, its blighting kingcraft, and its squabbles,
who should confront me but grandfather Steady, a monster despatch
under his arm, on which loomed out in all its scarlet the great seal
of the State Department. Steady had recognized '_Confidential_' on the
envelope, and bore it to me safely ensconced beneath the ample skirts
of his coat. 'Something of great importance for Minister Smooth!' said
he, making a very diplomatic bow as he extended the packet, made his
compliments, and retired. Steady having disappeared, I opened the
packet, and, equally surprised with the reader, what should I find but
a State document of great dimensions, commissioning Smooth without
further delay to call together at Ostend, or such other place on the
continent of Europe as was celebrated for its pure air and good
liquors, a Congress of American Ministers! Three several times did the
commission reiterate--'Pure air and good liquors!' as if the tastes of
the very respectable gentlemen forming the Congress made such adjuncts
inseparable from the prime object of their deliberations. For some
time did I exert my most mature deliberations to get the diplomacy of
the thing square into my head, which I thought was more than had been
done by the State Department. Well, you better believe it was a
puzzle! It was so Dutch, as we say. I was directed particularly to
consult my old and much-tried friend, James Buckhanan, whose sanction
and presence at the gathering was necessary, as well for the purpose
of imparting an air of dignity to the Convention as counteracting the
fast spirit of those gentlemen, who had gained a doubtful notoriety
through their extensive dealings in cheap popularity. Marcy added, in
a private and confidential note, that he felt inclined to question the
policy of inviting certain gentlemen, but as a matter of etiquette it
could not be foregone; and then he was anxious to keep peace in the
house, I was ordered to bag Buckhanan, and, if against his will, carry
him captive; to summon Monsieur Souley, who was an excellent cook, not
a bad fighting man, but a diplomatist fit only for the small work of
the _carbonari;_ to dispatch Mason, who they said was cultivating his
French, with the hope of being up in the language of diplomacy in the
course of six years more; to enjoin Mr. Fay, well known in
Switzerland for his love of quiet life; to inveigle Mr. Belmont, who
at the Hague had taken upon himself the reforming his brother
Israelites, and turning to account sundry Dutch bonds; to do as I
pleased with Mr. Daniels, who had sustained the character of America
by affecting contempt for all the aristocratic snobs about Turin, who
would to his annoyance crowd themselves into his opera-box, and make
too free with his fair favorite; to be sure and capture Mr. Jackson,
through whose courteous and dignified demeanor America was making
herself respected at Vienna; to send an escort for Mr. Spence, who had
endeared himself to his fellow-countrymen in Constantinople; and to
send a jackass for Mister O'Sullivan, who had at Lisbon become
celebrated for his misfortunes at bagatelle and chess--to drum them
all together for the one grand object. As for Seymour, Pierce thought
it not good policy to disturb him, seeing that nothing had been heard
from him since he found his way to St. Petersburg. With such spirits
as these, Europe could not fail to be astonished; and then, when it
was borne in mind that the consideration of its distracted affairs was
the object No. I of such a Convention!

"While calmly cogitating the first and last move in the getting up of
the thing, my lodgings, '42, Bennet street, St. James's,' were invaded
by the man Dudley, who declared himself a special minister of
Mr. Pierce, who sent him as envoy in general to Mr. Smooth, under
whose directions he would proceed to get together the Congress at
Ostend. I examined his credentials carefully, and finding them of Mr.
Pierce's legitimate stripe, commenced comparing notes and arranging
the preliminaries. He said, Pierce told him I would have a hard tug
with old Buck, who was like an aged turtle, and never moved until a
great deal of fire was applied to his back: but then his friends said
he was fast, once he got going! Notwithstanding Buck had very
confidently told a friend or two there was no understanding Pierce,
Pierce said he understood him, and, with Saunders to lend a hand, the
getting steam on him would not be so much of a job, after all. I must
here say to the reader that we had not long proceeded with our
conversation before the fact that our man Dudley was commissioned to
play the part of Corporal Noggs to the fire-eating portion of the
Cabinet, at the small end of which Mister Pierce was appended,
discovered itself. This fact fully established, I sat down and
commissioned him, first--to keep his mouth shut; secondly, to proceed
immediately to the Continent and get together the boys; thirdly, to
enjoin upon every one the necessity of declaring the object of the
Convention to be the relief of mankind in general; and fourthly, to be
careful while in France that none of Consul Saunders' _epistles to all
oppressed citizens_ were found in his pocket,--that functionary being
held as the great revolutionary star, sent from the West to move the
dead waters of an Eastern world.

"Having dispatched the man Dudley on his mission, with many bows and
much esteem for his high consideration of my position, and acting on
the intimation from Pierce, I packed up my portfolio, and in a Hansom
cab made the best of my way to 56, Harley street,--a large mansion, in
one of the back rooms of which they said my esteemed friend James
Buckhanan had for some time past been burrowed. That is, Mrs. Sprat,
who knew all the gossip of the legation, declared such to be the
fact. She saw very little indeed of the 'Governor,' whom she believed
smothered in his diplomacy, for he appeared never to want anything but
the spittoon, and now and then, at long intervals, a clean pair of
stockings. Arriving at the door, I rang lustily the bell, and soon
there appeared a very stiff flunky, in democratic livery of bright
colors, who bowed me into a great hall, and after grinning at me for
about a minute, said he reckoned I was a citizen o' the United
States. 'From Vermont, I take it?' he continued, in quick succession.
I told him it was no matter about that; if he had no objection I would
take a look at his governor. While I was deliberating, the
best-looking 'yellow fellow' outside of Carolina made his appearance,
and immediately commenced taking charge of me. He said he understood
diplomacy all up, (having studied dancing and attended Mrs. Sprat's
tea-parties for more than two years!) and would put me through if I
said the word. Then he added, with a _sang froid_ that seemed quite
grateful, that though he wasn't exactly governor of the establishment,
he would show me up to the man who was, and under whose dictation
Mr. Buckhanan had for peace sake accepted a fifth-rate position. On my
motioning him to proceed (he seemed much inclined to affect a good
deal of etiquette) the fellow led off, through a long dark passage,
crowded with empty Genessee flour barrels, champagne baskets, boxes of
cast off pipes (breathing redolent of tobacco), decrepit arm-chairs,
old foils and boxing-gloves, numerous empty beer-bottles, a lot of
worn-out dancing slippers, and a quantity of second-hand nightgowns
and side-saddles. What use diplomacy had for these abused relics we
leave the reader to conjecture. Opening a door on the left, my guide
with a bow accompanying a graceful bend of the body, ushered me into a
spacious room, with the announcement:--'A gemman fum de States,
Mr. Prompt!' No Mr. Prompt could I see, such was the state of the
atmosphere. In fact, I was set upon by a perfect fog of tobacco smoke.

"'Well, stranger--glad to see ye this side the big pond!' croaked out
a little sharp voice, peculiarly nasal. I replied I thought it was
rather foggy about these diggins. 'No matter about that,' he rejoined,
'we do clean business in this establishment, notwithstanding the
puffing, we deem it necessary to keep up in diplomatic matters.' The
atmosphere clearing a little, and objects becoming bolder outlined, I
discovered a figure so singularly lean and sharp of visage that you
would have sworn him peculiarly adapted by Providence for cutting his
way into a better world. Upon the walls of the rooms, which were very
dingy, hung suspended, tomahawks, bowie-knives, scalping-knives, bows
and steel-pointed arrows, an innumerable variety of dressed scalps,
much worn Indian uniforms, and various other things--all adapted to
Western warfare. Here and there stood sundry reed chairs and cronic
tables, of Florida pine, while the floor was very liberally set off
with what are vulgarly called spit-boxes, which, unlike the pages of
an antiquated Bible that lay neglected in one corner, had been very
generally used. Smooth would here say that such adjuncts as the
latter, seemed to be, judging from their presence in all our Legations
on the Continent, inseparable from Pierce diplomacy. In the present
case there were, in addition to the above-named fixtures, seventeen
patent rat-traps, with which members of the Legation amused themselves
when not invited to dancing parties. Smooth could not help thinking
there was no need of the latter pieces of furniture, while Mr. Prompt,
the sharp gentleman, was in the establishment. Indeed, Mrs. Grundy
would have said he was sharp enough to be used as an instrument for
splitting the nicest diplomatic points; while the promiscuous relics
of antiquity arranged along the passage she would have sworn
illustrated nothing so nicely as Pierce's confused policy, the saddles
being indicative of how easily he rode over the credulity of the
people.

"In the centre of the room stood a five-legged round table, somewhat
nervous and infirm of age. Upon it stood, badly arranged, two tumblers
of Cuba sixes, an ample stock of fine cut tobacco, about a dozen long
and much discolored pipes, a spacious ash-box, and the dirty boots of
Prompt, his lean figure sprawled back in a dilapidated arm-chair, a
long nine in his mouth, from which he incessantly puffed an immense
volume of smoke. Prompt's face was a perfect picture of edge-tools;
and with his easy air generally, his hands stowed away in the ample
pockets of his nether garments; his passion for the Byronic--made
known by the extravagant roll of a turn-down shirt collar--and his
bushy hair thrown back on a veiny and narrow forehead that seemed to
have been cut away to fit his hat, had an appearance easily imagined
by those who have witnessed in New Hampshire the general make-up of an
itinerant stump orator. I bowed as he cast his eyes along down my
figure, and gave a friendly wink. 'From York State, I take it?' he
continued. I replied I had been in York State, but was born on Cape
Cod. 'Well,' he rejoined, 'don't matter where a feller's born nor
grow'd, only he's got the right sort o' bone and siners in him.' The
general appearance of things had mightily changed since I last visited
the place--in truth, I could scarcely believe my own eyes. Mr. Prompt
now drew forth a handful of long nines, said he never liked to smoke
alone, and invited me to join him. I excused myself as well as I
could, adding that I had no small vices. The truth was, the
spit-boxes, and rat-traps, and a large supply of tobacco, looked so
suspicious, that I was at a loss how to comport myself: I feared I had
got into the wrong box. 'Anyhow,' said Mr. Prompt, 'bring yourself to
a mooring--remember we treat all citizens alike here--and be quite at
home in the establishment. Smooth, I believe, is the name?' He looked
at my card as I bowed, expecting every moment to see him rise from his
easy posture. With a sort of languid endurance he said the
establishment was at my service--that anything I desired would be put
through like Jehu. A set of snobby fellows, he said, had for a number
of years made a den of aristocracy of the place, but the aspect of
things had been changed now to suit the good fellow-spirit of our
institutions. Here he drew a deformed hat over his forehead, and let
fly a moist projectile; which, instead of taking effect in a box of
saw-dust, expanded ineffectually upon the face of a female dog-iron. I
suggested that it warn't so bad a shot. He replied, he reckoned--Just
at this moment the full yellow face of the negro protruded itself into
the doorway. 'Mas'r,' he ejaculated, 'dat's da geman (pointing to
Prompt, whose face was seen to contract) what do up all da plomacy ob
dis establishment.' The yellow face withdrew behind the green
baize. All this time I had been careful not to disclose to Mr. Prompt
that I was minister in general to Mr. Pierce.

"'Citizen,' said he, continuing his cigar, 'that ar nigger's sassy
enough for three legations. Pierce sent him here;--for what, no one
about the establishment can tell. Anyhow, seeing it's you, I was about
giving out an idea of what an interminable muddle Pierce would get
everything into if he had but his own way; but, as there isn't time
now, and as you won't join me in a cigar, suppose we send out and have
a first-rate brandy-smash?'

"This I respectfully declined; I thought it would give him so much
trouble. Indeed, he said there was so much to do about the
establishment, and nobody to do it except himself. In reply to a
question, he said, the governor--meaning Mr. Buckanan--had worked
himself out, and was laid away to dry. At present he alone constituted
the establishment. There used to be a secretary (the salary, he had
reason to believe Uncle Sam yet paid) but nothing had been seen of him
for several months: when last heard from, he was entering into a
partnership with Monsieur Souley for the purchase of Cuba, at any
price. As for the attaches, one got no pay, and was expected by the
government to do a deal of work, while the amount paid to the other
was so small that he very wisely spent it in cab-hire to see the
sights, which it just covered. One might be almost sure of seeing the
former gentleman on the approach of a court concert, while the
presence of the other at the legation prognosticated the advent of a
drawing-room. In fact, Mr. Prompt said, with considerable logic, that
when people were only half paid they were sure to do nothing. As for
himself (here he smiled, and commenced a new cigar), why he did up the
diplomacy of the establishment by the job--that is, he absorbed in his
lean person the functions of minister plenipotentiary, secretary of
legation, and gentlemanly attaches. And for the performance of their
duties (the pickings were not worth mentioning) he would, at the end
of a few years, make out his account against Uncle Sam, whom he was
sure was too straightforward and generous not to allow it. 'Fact is,
stranger,' he reiterated with great assurance, 'I am almost worked to
death here.' A monster gray cat having entered the room, and inspected
curiously the several rat-traps, Mr. Prompt, as if much annoyed, drew
himself with great effort from the crippled chair, and drove her
unceremoniously out of the room, accompanying her retreat with Peters
on diplomacy. 'Then, Mr. Prompt,' said I, 'may I consider myself
entirely in your hands?' Again spreading his boots on the table, and
languidly elongating his lean body, he replied, 'nothin shorter!' In
answer to a question, he said he could fix me out with anything--from
a passport to a grindstone. In fact, he was a man of universal
qualities, and could accommodate the needy with almost anything. He
could issue a passport for the infernal regions; he could give a card
to dine with old Jones when one got there; and by way of facilitating
matters, lend him a saddle to ride there. I admitted he was
exceedingly generous, and well calculated to bring out all the various
functions known to diplomacy; but, having no taste for the sport he
proposed, intimated my preference for a box at the Opera, or an
invitation to dine with her Majesty. 'Well, I do declare,' says
Prompt, who was seized with a very troublesome cough, 'if you ain' got
a-head on me there!' Seeing his confusion, I begged he would pardon
the intimation. In reply, he good-naturedly drawled out, 'them things,
somehow, don't come within the privileges of this establishment. Can
accommodate ye with a box at the Theatre Royal, Westminster--play the
very best sort of patent farces in that national place of amusement.
Then they've an audience so forbearing, that it makes no matter what
they play, and the fun of that establishment beats bull-fighting all
holler. Should the low-comedy man some call Pam, and his walking
gentleman, John, chance to have steam up, you will be sure to get your
money's worth. Take my word, said he: Covent Garden and Drury Lane are
but dull show shops compared with it.' Again I thanked Mr. Prompt for
his kindness, and told him I would wait till the next bull-baiting
came off--understanding from good authority that such amusing
spectacles in that house had frequent possession of the boards. Did I
want to revel in the sights and dark places of London, Mr. Prompt said
I had better wait the return of the absent secretary, which could not
be more than six months hence.

CHAPTER XIX.

SMOOTH DISCOVERS HIMSELF.

"'Now, citizen!' said I, thinking it was about time I disclosed to
Mr. Prompt who I was, and also the character of my mission, 'as you
seem to be the establishment in general, and can grant such very
accommodating passports, let me inform you that I, Solomon Smooth, am
Mister Pierce's Minister Extraordinary, to Europe in particular.' Mr.
Prompt's sharp visage now became sharper. 'Pierce,' I said, 'had
commissioned me to call together all the boys, in congress at Ostend.'
In testimony of what I had set forth I produced the document, at the
sight of which he relieved himself of a very handsome bow, brought his
lean body to a perpendicular, and, with an effort at modesty, laid
aside his hat and cigar; this I regarded as creditable to the
establishment. 'The governor's cum, Mas'r Prompt!' exclaimed the
negro, again thrusting his full yellow face into the door. Prompt was
evidently abashed at this sudden announcement.

"'I'll see the governor, if you have no objection,' said I, attempting
to relieve his quandary. He replied he had none whatever; that I would
find him a trump, though rather low. 'He seldom comes out of this
place!' ejaculated Prompt, leading the way through an extremely narrow
and crooked passage into a dark cloister-like room, lighted by a small
lamp that shed a sickly light over the few antiquated pieces of
furniture it contained. 'Minister Smooth will please to introduce
himself!' said Mr. Prompt, ushering me into the room, and closing the
door as he retired. Descrying through the pale glow of the lamp my
venerable friend Buck, who was seated at a table in the centre of the
room, amusing himself with the cat Prompt had so unceremoniously
kicked out of his presence, he immediately recognized me; the
reception I met would have done honor to companions in the Continental
War, meeting after a long absence. He said Saunders and his boy Dan
(that is, he was boy to Dan) had reduced his light wonderfully. Here
he began pricking up the wick of the old lamp, while I drew up a seat
and commenced without further ceremony disclosing the object of my
visit, and making known to him some of Pierce's opinions (private) on
matters in general. 'Read this carefully,' said I, handing him my
instructions from the State Department. He took the document like one
compelled to do a thing against his will, while I attentively watched
the changes that came over his countenance as he read it. 'Indurable
Pierce!' he muttered, adding a languid sigh. Then his portly figure
seemed to expand, his hair to grow whiter, and his general appearance
to assume a more venerable air, as he read the portion that
particularly directed me to bag him, pro or con. Indeed, his crooked
eye became straight with indignation, while his neck no longer
retained its wonted curve. 'I have studied the man, but find I yet
know little of him!' said he, recovering his usual calmness, and
shaking his head significantly. I inquired if he meant Pierce. He
replied, testily, in the affirmative. 'Several times has he made me
cut a ridiculous figure in the eyes of the nation. I cannot disclose
my true position,--he knows that, but will have me a partner to this
most stupid of projects;--well, well!' Here he seemed in the act of
yielding to his despondency, when to revive him I presented several
private notes which I had received from Pierce, explanatory of his
views with reference to the immense benefit that would accrue to the
nation, and manifest destiny, from this great congress. 'Now Smooth,'
continued the old man, relieving his mouth of an encumbrance, which,
missing its aim, took effect in the face of the cat, which set up a
fearful yell and scampered out of the room, 'although I can't
understand Pierce, I have great confidence in you, and there is
something so ridiculous about this affair that I feel like relieving
my mind to you, which I do without prejudice. I care not to examine
your confidential notes; they are doubtless of a like character with
those I have myself received from him on this very subject. The man
seems crazed. He has inundated me with confidential trifles about
Cuba, the affairs of Europe, the Central American question, and the
holding a Congress at Ostend. I am bored to death with his opinions,
which, on the policy of the latter, are cheap indeed.' The old man now
became exceedingly nervous; indeed, he seemed like one laboring under
the first symptoms of an over-dose of Parr's Life Pills. 'Smooth! I am
sacrificed; yes, sir, literally sacrificed to all his folly! The
despatch bag has groaned under the very pressure of his nonsense,
which I am compelled to read and commit to the flames, lest our nation
should suffer by its disclosures. I have appealed to him on behalf of
my conscience; I have reasoned from the depths of my experience; I
have besought him to spare my reputation--and here you bring me fresh
proof that it has all gone to no purpose.' I could not help pitying
the venerable old man as he shrugged his shoulders, and gave such a
desponding look. 'Pierce,' he continued, 'will smash the democracy
before he has done, by simply making it ridiculous. Thrice have I
remonstrated with him in all my power of persuasion; but it has fallen
harmless at his feet, for here he is, up again and harping. He
singularly argues in his private despatches that Europe being in a
fuzzle generally; that England having enough to do at keeping her
grumbling people quiet, and fighting her old friend Russia; that
Monsieur Napoleon, the very Republican Emperor, having three large
kettles of fish to fry--one in helping England to whip Russia, by
which means he hoped to wipe off an old score; the second, to affect a
great determination to fight for the independence of the Turks, who
say they will lend a hand when they get in cash; and the third, to
crush all revolutionary movements at home; and that all having enough
to do in their work of protecting despotism and neglecting liberty,
the time is singularly opportune for America's making one grand
demonstration. Thus, he said, Pierce argued. It was all very well
showing a saucy front to mankind in general, but if we undertook to
bag Cuba, there must be something more than threats and war messages
to back it up.' I could not throw up my commission; therefore begged
my friend Buck would consider my position, and excuse in me what
seemed fast. And then I had despatched my Corporal Noggs to arrange
matters with Monsieur Souley, who was to play the part of
engine-driver, crowding charcoal for the whole team. After the
manifestation of much indecision, my friend Buck consented to go, at
the same time stipulating that he should not be led by certain fast
spirits. 'If I go, Smooth,' said he, 'it will be with virtuous
reluctance; the whole thing is sure to come out. Further, my boy Dan
(a sharp fellow he is!) has gone on a little affair respecting Cuba,
by which he expects to make hit No. 1.'

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