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Timothy Templeton - The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth

T >> Timothy Templeton >> The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth




"At this moment we were interrupted by the brusque figure of George
Saunders appearing in the room. George instantly recognized me, and
said he anticipated my mission, having received sundry private and
very confidential letters from Pierce on the same subject. It seemed
that Pierce and his boy Fourney had written any amount of private and
confidential letters on this to be kept very secret affair. George
made himself quite at home. Indeed, the uninitiated might have
mistaken him and the cat for fixtures of the establishment. Calling me
on one side, he begged I would consider Mr. Buckanan entirely in his
hands. In order to bring his speed to the right gauge, Dan and himself
had, he said, spent several months hard labor; but now he was happy to
say they had found the key to his movements, and nothing more was
wanting. As for Buck's presence at the Ostend convention, just leave
the arranging that to him. Further, in order to make a demonstration
while it was sitting, he would write an epistle to the Emperor of
Austria, forewarning him of the sympathy in America for the spirits he
held down in oppression. This would be a decided hit, he added, with a
knowing wink. So confident was George of his mastery over the
venerable old man, that I felt it would not be prejudicing Mr.
Pierce's interests to leave the matter entirely in his hands: so
bidding them a very good morning, I signified my intention of calling
again in ten days, when I expected he would be ready to move on; if
not, I should be under the painful necessity of bagging him, as
directed by the State Department.

"I had left the legation, and was passing into Portland place, when,
to my surprise, I was overtaken by the indomitable George, who
insisted that I join him in some gin-and-bitters at the first
drinking-place. To have declined George's amiability would have been
immaculate folly: he always bagged his friends, precisely as Pierce
directed me to bag the ambassador. Having stopped at the first
crossing, as they say in Georgia, we drunk ourselves, wished Pierce
much joy with his project, and parted, George saying he would turn
steam on the old man, and have him all right when I called.

"Prompt to the hour, no sooner had the allotted time expired than I
presented myself at the Legation with an express wagon, for the
accommodation of the old man indispensable. Corporal Noggs had got the
boys all right on the continent, and such a jolly time as was
expected! George had evidently been screwing up the old man, for I
found him in the very best humor. There he sat, portly and venerable,
surrounded by boxes, carpet-bags, and trunks; all, he assured me,
containing various diplomatic implements of great value. At his feet
purred the cat diplomatic, as if anxious to accompany him. 'These
boxes are a great trouble to me,' said the old man, getting up with
some effort, and pointing to three, about two feet square each, and
labelled as follows:--No. 1, '_Cuba by purchase_,' below--'_Copies of
Correspondence with our Minister to Spain, some years ago_,' at the
left corner the words--'_Promiscus_.' No. 2. '_Cuba at any
price_'--underneath--'_This side up, with care?_' No. 3. '_Cuba of
necessity, and as a link in the manifest fulfilment of
destiny?_'--underneath--'_Handled only by the experienced porter_.'

"The hall now rang loud of confusion,--the fiery-eyed cat ran
screaming to the door, maids' eyes were seen wanting to weep, Prompt
affected great grief,--he would be worked to death,--porters were seen
carrying out the luggage, and then waited to convey the old man. Then
Prompt said--the negro, as if to make the picture complete, was making
all sorts of grimaces in a corner,--if Dan should by some accident
return, what a deal of extra work he would make! But Smooth made up
his mind that such complaints were the natural consequences of an
irregular system. At last, having got boxes one, two, and three nicely
cared for, we bundled in the rest of the traps, following then with
the old man indispensable. Saunders being present by appointment,
insisted upon his right to drive the team, and suddenly springing upon
the box, seized unceremoniously the reins, and put the horses into
full gallop. Increasing his speed, until it became frightful to
delicate nerves, the poor old man's fears for his safety became so
excited that it required all my strength to keep him from jumping out
and breaking his neck, notwithstanding I had tucked him away so nicely
among the boxes before starting. Down Portland place, through Oxford
street, up Holborn, and down Cheapside, to the Bank (astonishing the
natives as we went) we drove, and from thence to St. Katherine's Dock,
where was moored the trim little steamboat chartered to convey Mr.
Pierce's plenipotentiaries safe to Ostend. Buck was in a sad state of
excitement when we stopped; he resembled an individual just escaped
from a perilous adventure. He discharged himself clumsily from the
wagon, his face undergoing singular changes of color the while, and
cast a few savage glances at Saunders, who very composedly sat on the
box endeavoring with might and main to suppress a vagabond laugh.
'Now, Saunders,' indistinctly sputtered the old man, as that
bluff-sided individual turned upon his seat, rather knavely casting a
comical glance over his shoulder, 'I'm not afraid--my courage never
fails me; but that steamer don't take me to Ostend if you're a
passenger! Mind that now!' Saunders lowered himself gravely from the
box, and with serious countenance assured the old man that no danger
could result while he drove the team. In reply to this, the old man
declared that with Saunders on board a blowing-up was certain. The
much-dreaded gentleman, however, soon quieted the envoy's fears by
assuring him that accompanying us to Ostend was farthest from his
thoughts, he having made all the necessary arrangements for throwing a
bomb-shell into the camp from this side of the water, as directed by
the Uncle Caleb and the boy Fourney. Boxes one, two, and three being
safely on board, we supported the old governor after them--Saunders on
one side, and Smooth on the other. Then the bell rang, and the steam
thundered and roared, and the little craft glided on her way, Saunders
waving his adieus from the wharf, and crying out at the very top of
his voice--'Don't forget Cuba!' and 'go it, Buck! Go it, Smooth!!'




CHAPTER XX.

ARRIVAL AND GRAND RECEPTION AT OSTEND.


"Our passage was attended with extremely pleasant weather; and nothing
remarkable occurred, except that the Dutch crew thought Mr. Buckhanan
a very great man, and the object of his mission the overthrow of
European dynasties in general. Twice they undertook to regale him with
sour-krout, which he pronounced inferior to that made in York county,
Pennsylvane. As to me, they declined to be convinced that I was not
Governor of Kentucky, having a singular belief in the peculiarities of
that State for growing long citizens--the tallest man always being
elected governor. Perhaps I should have added that the Schiedam was
only tolerable, the brandy bad; and that Buck, having forgotten his
tobacco, was compelled to resort to very bad Dutch loggerhead, with
which he kept the swabs busily employed.

"As we entered the port of Ostend, once so celebrated for the defence
of its garrison, a salute of thirteen guns was fired from the old
fort, which we attempted to answer with a rusty swivel, Buck waving
his hat, and singing 'Yankee Doodle' to the burghers who filed along
the dilapidated dyke. As the steamer neared a landing-place, we
descried the coarse figure of Corporal Noggs, surrounded by numerous
of his fellow citizens, prominent among whom was Monsieur Souley and
the Chevalier Belmont. In addition to these welcoming spirits, there
came also a Dutch band, which, ere we had made fast alongside, struck
up something they intended for _Hail, Columbia!_ The reader will
please appeal to his imagination as to what our reception must have
been, when I tell him that shouts and huzzas, interspersed with this
discordant 'Hail Columbia!' rent the very air, and made faint the
roaring of the steam from the funnel of our little craft. Boxes one,
two, and three, were now sent forward under an escort to the hotel,
while a triumphal chair secured to two long poles was placed in proper
order for the reception of my friend Buck. Rather against his
inclination, and not without expressing some doubt as to the propriety
of displaying so much pageantry in a foreign country, was he packed
into it by Monsieurs Souley and Belmont. Corporal Noggs now formed in
order the procession, which moved in state through the city, headed by
the band playing the 'Rogue's March,' which it mistook for 'Yankee
Doodle.' Such a funny procession! The reader may imagine the figure
cut by my venerable friend, when I tell him that the triumphal chair
was borne on the shoulders of Monsieurs Souley, Belmont, Daniels, and
O'Sullivan--the two former being in the lead. Close in the rear of
the chair, your humble servant, Smooth, took up his position, riding a
female jackass, an animal domesticated by Monsieur Souley, under whose
saddle she had borne up until the flesh was nearly off her bones. This
was tapered off with an everlasting string of seedy citizens, for whom
an innumerable quantity of goats seemed to have a fellow sympathy, so
close did they follow. At the hotel, from the balcony of which
streamed the stars and stripes, the uproar and confusion was beyond
description. Could some of the old burghers have risen from the tomb,
they might have imagined a modern siege of that city they so nobly
defended in times gone by. Staggering and sweating, the four envoys
bore their precious burden to the great porch, whence he was escorted
to the balcony, upon which he stood, like a Roman of old, and, by the
advice of Monsieur Souley, delivered a stunning speech, that versatile
functionary translating it into Dutch. It will scarcely be necessary
to add that the speech proved a decided hit, and was received with
shouts and acclamations. Not a little done over, the old statesman was
now regaled on delicious krout and gin-slings, and put carefully to
bed by a Dutch chambermaid. This was at three o'clock in the
afternoon. At seven I marshalled all hands for a grand banquet, which
had been prepared without any regard to expense, it being intimated
that Uncle Sam would settle for the whole thing.

"Fresh and refreshed we all appeared ready for action, and as bright
as could possibly be expected after such a fatigue. The table was set
out in grand style; indeed, it literally groaned under every delicacy
of the season--not excepting krout, the glows of which impregnated the
atmosphere. Buck said he would sit opposite the krout; but that was
objected to, on the ground of his eating so much as to change the tone
of his speech, which was expected to be more than usually
spirited. After so little opposition from Monsieur Souley, who wanted
the place himself, it was voted that I should take the chair. Of
course I could not refuse the honor; but in order to illustrate the
three principles of our political policy, I was cautious to stipulate
that Buck sit on my right and Monsieur Souley on my left. Here we
were--steady, very steady, and very fast. Belmont insinuated, rather
ironically, that Buck could no longer be considered of the steady
school; in fact, Saunders had so cultivated his component parts that
he might now, without any fear of contradiction be put down as
remarkably fast. I need scarcely add that the viands were discussed
with great gusto, Monsieur Souley absorbing so much of the _fricasee
frog_ that his glossy black hair, which had before beautifully
undulated over his shoulders, now curled tighter, his eyes sparkled
brighter, his face became more olive, and his periods more intensely
French. O'Sullivan, too, had procured some capital Irish whiskey,
which he said he already felt in his boots. At ten o'clock there was a
general secession of knife and fork, and a resort to the less tasteful
amusement of speech-making. Souley, however, had all the while said
all manner of things about, and brought all sorts of charges against
Louis Napoleon, whose government he denounced in very general terms,
not dreaming that that shrewd sovereign had introduced two spies in
the capacity of waiters. The cloth being removed, Monsieur rose,
considering he was in duty bound, and commenced throwing off the
rounded sentences of the first part of a very long speech,--at one
moment denouncing princes and kings in general, and in the next
threatening to smother Spain with an interesting exposition of her
perfidy. Her puppet government was a base mockery; he said Espartero
had grossly deceived him!--Here he was brought to a stand by
Mr. O'Sullivan, 'It's meself thinks the gintleman 's about debatin
matter what 'll cum afore the Convention to-morrow,' interposed that
gentleman. Monsieur Souley replied somewhat tartly: he hoped the
gentleman from Ireland would not interrupt him. Order! was now called
for on every side, and an appeal made to the chair, without whose
interposition a savage encounter must have resulted. The whole company
were now on foot, interposing for peace; nor had I time to assert my
authority, when, decanters of port and claret standing close at hand,
Souley seized one, and O'Sullivan the other, as if for weapons of
mortal combat, and commenced a series of threatening menaces. The
waiters were not accustomed to such feints, and one, before we were
conscious, of it had run down stairs and alarmed the house. Landlord,
servants, and a whole troup of police, came rushing into the hall, as
the two gentlemen of Verona, revealing the joke, made the politest
bows over their glasses, which they gracefully emptied. I was about
deciding that Monsieur Souley's language was decidedly personal, when
he proclaimed his determination to postpone his speech until
to-morrow. He would however, conclude by proposing a toast, which he
need scarcely add would be heartily responded to by every one
present. He would propose the health of the venerable statesman on the
chairman's right--a man who had long and worthily maintained the
highest rank among his country's statesmen, and whose opinions
(although he differed with them at times) were world-wide! (Great
sensation). Mr. Buckhanan now rose, evidently affected by the
immensity of the cheers. His mien was at once dignified, and when
contrasted with the promiscuous countenances that surrounded him, wore
an air singularly American. He began by saying he was happy to say he
did not feel himself a stranger in a strange land. (This being
translated into Dutch by Monsieur Souley, the invited guests present
received it with loud acclamations). We read the same books; we were
animated by a kindred love of liberty; we spoke the same language; we
enjoyed the same immunities of a constitutional government; and that
spirit which animated us to fight for liberty had its origin in the
same stock! Here Mr. Belmont interposed by reminding the venerable
statesman that the Dutch of Pennsylvania and New York could not be
said properly to represent the whole American Union. Order being
demanded and restored, Mr. Buckhanan apologised for the grave error,
which he charged to the delicious quality of the krout. He seemed
unconscious of what he had been saying, and suddenly became aware that
he had mistaken his theme, and was letting off the big end of his
model speech, with which he had so often entertained his friends at
feeds given by sundry Lord Mayors of London. The joke was too good;
the old man could not suppress a laugh at his own mistake, and sat
down, intimating that as he would have something to say to-morrow he
would now bring his speech to a close. (Uproarious applause). Again
Monsieur Souley rose, and amid shouts of--'question!' said the
question was of no kind of consequence, that he always went on the
principle of making himself heard. Further attempts to rein up
Monsieur Souley would have been sheer madness; so he continued his
speech, which included fifty irrelevant topics without discussing
one. He even charged Louis Napoleon with poisoning the champagne.
Whatever of truth there might be in the charge, we only know that the
speaker ere he had concluded his speech found himself standing alone,
the whole Congress having dropped off into a profound sleep. Becoming
indignant at this display of indifference, he stopped suddenly,
commanded the waiters to wake up the sleepers, and himself commenced
an uproar by smashing the tumblers and decanters, after the fashion of
a French fiddler in for a frolic. The company with one accord offered
an apology, joined in drinking the health of the speaker, charged the
delinquency to the strength of the poisoned champagne rather than that
of the speech--(which was narcotic, rather), and adjourned to meet in
Duitenethipicgnisher's Hall, at twelve o'clock on the following
morning. I must not omit to inform the reader that those who were
unable to see their way up stairs were carried there by the
waiters. Smooth, as a matter of course, had no bricks in his hat.

"Bright and early on the following morning I tumbled out, made a hasty
toilet, and set about waking up the Congress of sleepers. Souley I
found in a sad plight; Buck was snoring like great guns; O'Sullivan I
thought had either been dreaming of the Pampero expedition, or taken
too much whiskey during the delivery of Monsieur Souley's speech;
Belmont had made a pillow of his Dutch bonds--indeed the only specimen
of humanity up and moving was Corporal Noggs, who expressed his
anxiety to know what Marcy would say were he an eye-witness to the
preliminaries. As for Pierce! it mattered little what he thought, he
being a mere cypher among the boys. Having succeeded in moving the
Congress we sallied out to view those suburbs so full of historical
lore. To our surprise we were surrounded wherever we went by a
clamorous and grotesque crowd of discontented individuals, each
bearing a document in his or her hand, on which was prominently
described the great seal of the United States of America. For a time
the mystery involved seemed as undefinable as the jargon of the motley
group. Indeed, the whole city seemed not only agog, but panic
stricken. Nor was its influence confined to any class. It had delved
alike into the palace of the king and cabin of the burgher. Wherever a
delegate made his appearance he was sure to be followed or surrounded
by a clamorous group, pouring forth its jargon in a rhapsody of praise
to America, which singularly enough they supposed had sent the first
instalment of her intention to overthrow the dynasties of Europe, and
relieve mankind in general. Monsieur Souley, whom they happily mistook
for a Greek, was the only member of the Congress exempt from the
annoyance.

"A little more light was soon reflected on the mystery! Saunders had
inundated the city--not with his promised bombshells: his missile was
more alarming, but less dangerous. Having ingeniously changed the
object of a very long epistle, he dedicated it to the French people
instead of the Austrian Emperor. The mould of its dictum was decidedly
strong; but in order to add more point he gave his periods a peculiar
slant, at the head of Napoleon the Third. That a fellow-feeling as
lasting as the mountain chain existed between the French and American
peoples, there was, according to the circular, not a doubt. In
reference to other heads, there were strong doubts! The Congress now
assembling was an earnest of what he said: that _august_ body George
strongly recommended to the esteem of all aggrieved citizens. Did any
one doubt the genuineness or the national character of these epistles
he had but to refer to the great seal on their front, which was none
other than that of the Legation at London.

"The reader may now easily imagine our increasing difficulties. On
proceeding to the Hall at the appointed time, I found our Ministers in
a general state of alarm. Souley had received a private and very
confidential letter from his agent in Paris, forewarning him of Louis
Napoleon's intention to descend upon the Congress, perform a
_coup-d'etat_, and having nicely bagged the game, appropriate it to
his own table. In view of this, Monsieur Souley recommended an
adjournment to a more congenial atmosphere. Messrs. Buckhanan and
Belmont rising together, objected to any such movement, inasmuch as it
would discover a spirit of weakness, to guard against which Uncle
Caleb and Master Fourney had given express instructions. Here a long
cross-fire of discussion ensued. I thought it had neither head nor
tail, and was something after the order of what Mr. Pierce conceived
to be the object of this Congress, for it resulted in nothing, the
speakers all agreeing to withdraw what they had said. As a first move
to the organization of the body, it was agreed that Hanz Voghnine, who
was privileged to open a bar for the sale of good liquors in one
corner of the hall, would be the only outsider admitted. Hanz was
accordingly examined in reference to his being a spy; the result being
satisfactory, he was enjoined to keep nothing but a first-rate
article. On the second balloting I found myself elected President,
which high distinction, having been conducted to the chair amidst
soul-stirring acclamations, I acknowledged in what is generally termed
a neat and appropriate speech. Noggs was at the first ballot elected
Sergeant-at-Arms and door-keeper in general, the duty of which offices
he promised to fill to the very best of his abilities. A
vagrant-opinion was rife that Monsieur Souley would have filled the
office of door-keeper much better, himself being so easily opened and
shut. However, as Noggs had been voted the office, we all reconciled
ourselves to the selection, each member providing himself with a
gin-sling, and taking his seat. A silence, as of the tomb, prevailed,
while I rose to open the proceedings of the first day. I first made my
own bow, then drew forth the State paper commissioning me to call
together 'this august body.' Mr. O'Sullivan suggesting it was agreed
that there being out so many documents of a similar character the
reading was rendered unnecessary. I bowed to the decision. A similar
fate awaited an attempt to read several of Mr. Pierce's private
opinions. Mr. Buckhanan said we better hear what Pierce had to say,
and then make up our minds as to whether it was entitled to the
consideration of 'this important body.' Monsieur Souley replied, with
great fervency, that it were better Pierce be left entirely out of the
question, and the Congress proceed to deliberate on its own hook. A
good many dissenting voices here interposed; but the speaker, very
pertinaciously, said he had the floor, and was prepared to discuss the
question with any gentleman (here he turned a meaning glance at Buck)
disposed to accept the challenge. The dread of a lengthy speech
brought gentlemen to their senses: rather than endure it they agreed
that Pierce should be left entirely out. It was, now generally
expected that Monsieur Souley would sit down. No such intention had
he. Turning to me, he bowed, and said: 'Your Excellency will observe,
that as the order in which the many questions to come before this
Congress has not been produced, and the question of the acquisition of
Cuba to the United States being the most important one in the
schedule, I move that the order be suspended, and that the discussion
of that all-important subject be commenced.' Souley was inclined, I
saw, to absorb time very unprofitably. I was about to pronounce him
out of order, when there came a loud knocking at the door, followed by
a band attempting to play a Dutch medley. The door was immediately
thrown open. Ten citizens, savage and hairy of visage entered, to the
consternation of the Congress assembled. One of their number advanced,
having exchanged the countersign with Noggs; but he failed to make
himself understood until Monsieur Souley politely tendered his aid,
introducing him in succession to every one present. They were,
according to the rendering of Monsieur, a deputation from the '_Very
ancient and honorable order of Red Republicans_,' who, having become
aware of the many grand objects for which our Congress was convened
(as set forth in the circular of the great Saunders), had appeared
before it to pray that their grievances might be duly redressed and
themselves reinstated in the government of France. Monsieur Souley
made a speech of more than ordinary length on the subject, which he
brought to a close by calling upon the President (me) not to permit
this patriotic body of suffering men to depart without an assurance
that their case would receive immediate attention. This I did in the
very best manner possible, adding that Hanz might treat them to
gin-slings all round. This done, Monsieur politely bowed them into
the street, the last bow being his very best. The reader will by this
time have discovered that Monsieur Souley constituted the Congress and
Mr. Pierce thrown in.

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