Timothy Templeton - The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth

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"'I'll take the chance,' ejaculated John, and down came the other
head. His countenance, you may be assured, wore a singular
seriousness. The truth was, that John always had one strong idea in
his head, and made a strong effort to keep that one straight, to the
sacrifice of all the rest. Acting upon that axiom that so stimulated
the wood-sawyer who expected to be President of the United States in a
very few years, we cut away the fastenings, and having ascended high
among the clouds, sailed from the mist heavenward to the blue arch
above. Our position was not the most firm; but as Young America had
the helm, and rather courted than feared danger, the result could not
be doubted. Now and then Mr. John looked somewhat stern of
countenance, and turned pale when I crowded the charcoal. 'Be careful,
Smooth,' he lisped now and then, grasping my arm as he took a look
below--'Be careful; you know what a go-ahead sort of lot you are.
Your party would think nothing of going to the d----l, if it were only
with steam power.' It was indeed a dangerous position for large men
with small ideas; but as Young America was a small man with large
ideas, the case became reversed. Well, we headed square for
California, and proceeded at lightning speed, fast overtaking that old
slow coach of refulgent light that has made sentimental the wild
wisdom of the poet-world. Soon old Jacob's face loomed out upon its
broad disc, looking as good-natured as a Dutchman over a pot of lager
beer. My friend John seemed rather moody and dogged; however, we soon
got within hailing-distance; and having provided myself with a
speaking-trumpet--John having forgot his--I esteemed it good policy
to, in a social way, have a small quantity of talk with Jacob, who,
although a common sort of person, I felt assured must be well posted
on matters and things concerning manifest destiny. We were running bow
on, and at the moment I seized the trumpet for a blow, Jacob sung
out--'Good morning!' just like a free and easy citizen, who had sense
enough to be approached at any time without walling himself up in the
dignity of that thing called a duke. His voice was like thunder, with
reechoes for accents. 'Mind your helm!--you steer rather wild, there!'
he spoke.

"'Old feller! don't get into a pucker; there's not a mite of danger,'
I returned. 'Just hold up a little, and let us have a bit of a talk!'

"'Well, don't mind if I do,' good-naturedly returned the old man. So
we hooked on to his establishment,--laid her aback in the wind, and,
as the sailor would say, 'came to.'

"'Who are you, anyhow?' continued Jacob, getting up and shaking
himself.

"'Well, I'm Young America (Jacob shook his head, doubtfully, at the
name) and my friend here, is Cousin John, from across the water. We
are going to take a view of state affairs around this little globe of
ours, that we may report to General Pierce in particular.'

"'Then you're from the States down yonder?' rejoined the old man.

"'Just so!'

"'Ah,--go-ahead fellers down there, they are! But they've got to mind
their moves just about this time.'

"'Seeing it's you, Jacob,--and knowing that you must be worn down with
toil, s'pose we strike a trade in a small sort of way?' Jacob shook
his head, and replied:

"'Like your folks for their masterly energies, but rather not trade.'

"'That won't do, old fellow: you must come out on the new principles
of civilizations. Who knows that we may make an arrangement to annex
your little establishment to these United States! Young America has,
you see, yet to fulfil the functions of manifest destiny.'

"'Don't, pray don't, bring your Young America about my dominions!' he
exclaimed, interrupting just as John Littlejohn was about to speak.

"John spoke, inquiring if his preferences were not for him? He knew
old Jacob would like to annex his dominions to Great Britain, seeing
that he carried out his annexation in a quiet sort of way. Jacob
laughed right out--laughed irresistibly; laughed as if he meant it for
something. 'To be honest with you, gentlemen, and I know you'll excuse
me for being out-spoken,--I want nothing to do with either of
you. You'll both steal territory; and as for you, Young America, take
a word of honest advice--be contented with what has honestly fallen to
you, covet not that which is thy neighbor's, but improve what thou
hast of thine own. At the same time, take particular care how thou
sail in this very lofty atmosphere. Your manifest destiny may fall
into martyrdom.'

"'That's right good advice, Uncle,' said I, (interrupting him), but it
would be better it did not smack so strong of that fogyism whose
obstinate policy won't let the progress of those United States come
out. Anyhow, Jacob, seeing that you have got such a nice stock of
territory, dotted with fascinating hills and plains, upon which good
speculations can be made in starting a speculation in churches, as has
become the fashion, doing a little in the tin business, laying a few
railroads, and building up factory villages, we must have a treaty of
commerce--at all events!'

"'No! no! no! You've large inards, Jonathan; and your youngest
son,--Young America,--has got such a pair of eyes! I'm afraid of him.
No objection to joining in three cheers for Hail Columbia, almost any
time; but save me from your claws. You're both great pirates: pray be
merciful to your neighbors, and spare me my Independence. Your little
place down there is become troubled with wars and rumours of
wars;--the shedding of innocent blood in streams at the caprice of
imbecile princes, who make the bones and blood of their subjects the
waste material with which to serve their incarnate ambition, tells me
to beware. Beware of ambitious princes; the world would be well rid of
them!'

"'Like to hear you talk so, Uncle Jacob. Reckon how you've studied in
a New England school! There the greatest power springs from the humble
people. Anyhow, Jacob, since we can't strike a trade, nor do a thing
or two in the way of speculation, s'pose we take a drop of whiskey
punch?'

"'Can't object to that,' he returned.

"So, Littlejohn and me set about it, and in a very few minutes had a
first-class punch brewed, of which old Jacob supped most lavishly. In
fact, he liked it so well that I reckoned he had forgotten to stop
drinking; and Littlejohn felt somewhat nervous lest the old fellow get
fuddled and turn everything over. John reckoned I'd better give him a
cold julep to wipe down with; but Jacob said he much preferred hot
things, that his profession was quite cold enough. So, after we put
the punches down, and smoked some cigars, and received some good
advice about being careful how I proceeded, we loosened the strings
and bid him good morning: it was coming faint daylight, and Jacob had
to be jogging. Just as I was leaving, my heart felt kind a
down-pressed to think what gorgeous territory he had spread out to a
feller's eyes, without the slightest chance of making an operation for
a small portion of it--say just enough to get a foothold.

"Westward we went with breathless speed, soon losing sight of Jacob
and his luminary. 'You better reef down, Mr. Smooth. Should anything
give way, and you tumble out and break your neck, the democracy would
go into mourning,' said Littlejohn, who had kept very quiet up to this
time.

"'Not a bit of it!' I answered, 'our democracy is like Parr's Life
Pills, enervating and elasticating. You may break its head, but you
cannot kill;--it belongs to the heart, and springs from the laws of
right.' At this Littlejohn began to get dogged,--to shows signs of
very bad nature. Knowing this was most unprofitable to him I yielded
indulgence. To be good-natured in cases of Emergency is a most
valuable trait; and to whip a man for being ill-tempered, when nothing
can be made at it, is most absurd.

"The world outside of the United States is inclined to believe
American democracy something next to infernal--that it must have
everything it sees, and turns everything it comes in contact with into
dollars, cents, and republicanism. To such it is a mysterious power,
moved by chemical agency. As for Littlejohn, he thought that in
addition to our speculative spirit we should be governed by modesty,
an example of which his forefathers had set us. This he recommended on
the principle of a gentleman who keeps up his dignity, gaining one
half his object through the influence of his mien. Many said this was
the precise material General Pierce was most deficient in; and that if
the General would preserve more dignity and less bluster his
administration had been marked with results more in keeping with the
true character of the nation. Old Uncle John could brag stoutly; but
Jonathan was a magnificent player at the same game. I realised this as
Littlejohn took a long look over our wonderful West, and asked by what
singular process of diplomacy we got to many fine states, so richly
burdened with natural resources? He reckoned we must have come the
_smart_ of our go-ahead principles over the French, Spanish and
Mexicans, and then insinuated ourselves into their dominions. But,
this being the smallest end of an Englishman's ideas whittled down to
the very point of self-conceit, Smooth thought it best to be
good-natured and make the best of his calmness. The fact is, John
Bull and Cousin Jonathan must be good friends; strife is the dire
enemy of good order, while war becomes the assassin seeking to
overthrow those principles of constitutional liberty, both nations so
wisely combined in their constitutions. Why tear down the noble
edifice you cannot rebuild? why blight the cheering prospects of
thousands to gratify the vain ambition of pedantic politicians?

"'Hallo! Smooth, my dear fellow, what place is this below?' cries out
Littlejohn, looking over, as the balloon made a B line westward.

"'That,' I interrupted, 'used to be called the 'far West.' Now it is
getting to be the centre of civilization. It goes ahead of the march
of progress, while outstripping comprehension. Upon this great expanse
will spring up the materials for feeding every hungry and oppressed
citizen this side of sun-down. We can already raise anything,--from
mountain of corn to a river of pork,--on it; and as for the nigger
crop, there's no end of that!'

"'And that yours, too, Mr. Smooth? Your fertile acres stretch from sea
to sea.' Little John interrupting, pointed all over the broad expanse
below. He had no generalized ideas of America, no distinct estimate of
her productive and maintaining powers, and less knowledge of that
machinery so simply beautiful called her government. He never for once
thought how this wide western expanse was destined for the back-bone
of the mightiest republic the world ever knew. People without homes in
the old world found happy homes there; civilization drove the buffalo
from his wonted haunt to give place to man; man himself yielded to the
power of progress marching westward. 'Now, Littlejohn.' said I,
'seeing that your people have but an imperfect geographical knowledge
of our country, let me tell you that yon black ridge you see afar down
is the range of rocky mountains. Colonel Fremont, a small man, slim
enough to split the wind, but as tough as Uncle Seth's whip-stock,
climbed the loftiest peak, hung his hat on it, made the stars and
stripes on a rag--(in accordance with necessity and the go-ahead
spirit of our country)--hung them flying in a snowstorm, whistled
Yankee Doodle three times and proclaimed them ours in the name of the
United States. All this was smooth and fair,--done in the spirit of
our go-ahead, all-accomplished diplomacy.'

"'Ah!' interrupted Littlejohn, 'your appetite for bits of territory
runs monstrously that way.'

"'Yes!' I replied; 'but, John, give us your hand-on that point we may
honestly embrace, and declare ourselves now even two. You are as
modest as an archbishop on salary day, and seldom openly embrace
territory; we prefer the frank style in all our adoptions. Let us not
quarrel over that--you love freedom, we love free government. Our
political thoughts are moulded in one die, though self-interest may
vary them. To be mutually just toward each other, to live on terms of
friendship, and preserve that amity which is our bulwark, serves well
that unity of great principles which conserves and preserves our
happiness. Yea! cursed be the hand, and stagnate the breath raised
against that peace and good-will which saves us from the monster of
war.' Here I grasped firmly and earnestly John's hand, and would fain
he forgot the past and thought only of the future. Looking down, 'that
is New Mexico,' said I, 'a small corner we just hooked on to our large
establishment; we let all these little ones come into the same
nursery, where a generous mother watches their wants and provides for
them as circumstances demand. You, John, treat your colonial babies
with singularly cold diet; in fact, you often permit them to become
stunted and ill-tempered for want of proper care in the home nursery.
You see, Texas was well nursed, and now her territory is fast filling
up with the hardy sons and daughters of your land; but, would they
become new beings, and enjoy equal rights and equal privileges, they
must divest themselves of those servilities which in your country one
class unfortunately endeavors to enforce upon the other.' John bowed,
but gave no further heed. Presently we came to the Mormon settlement,
and here he set to chaffing me about equal privileges. 'We always had
inconsistencies in our social system,' he said; 'just see how many
wives these Mormons have got, and what a nice thing they are making of
equal rights. You beat us there, Smooth; we Englishmen would never
think of such sort of thing.' John looked very innocent and honest,
which, added to his dignity so naturally put on, was enough to make
one's face square up into a broad smile.

"'Permit me, John,' returned I: 'we tend well the great things; this
Mormon evil will work its own remedy! Westward the wave of empire
rolls on; that's the word we speak as the world looks on, grudgingly
acknowledging its truth. We nurture small things that they may become
great; we make men feel themselves living equals, not inferiors; we
put the lowly emigrant in moral progress, and from his mental
improvement reap the good harvest for all. By sinking from men's minds
that which tells them they are inferior, we gain greatness to our
nation. Simon Bendigo is made to feel that he is just as good as
Blackwood Broadway; and Blackwood is made sensible of the fact that he
is no better in the body politic than any other man.'

"'Now, Smooth, just let me interrupt you in your train of Yankee
logic,' said Littlejohn; 'the safer a man feels his position the
better is it for the nation; but the policy of equality in men, though
it might do for your young place, never would do for ours. Age and its
attendant glories demand different rules of guidance for society. All
your fancy articles of freedom, equality, and dignity among common
people become doubtful, when subjected to long practice. Our people,
sir--take my word, not unworthily--are above considering such
degrading innovations; their grades of society are a sacred
protection.'

"'Ah! those are English opinions, iron-bound. Your social institution
is a perfect curiosity shop, where everything old may be stored away
unmolested, but upon which the man of plain sense looks distrustfully,
while sycophants waste contemplation in devising means for its
preservation. How few estimate the cost to a nation of maintaining
those ancient inconsistencies so preserved by governments of the old
world!'

"'Never mind that, Mr. Smooth; these things are our own, and on us
will the evil recoil. Be not so earnest in condemning us, for the same
sins you lay at our door are fast developing themselves in your
would-be fashionable society! Your society is fashionable without
being refined. Your aristocracy is a base imitation of our snobby,
revelling in the heartless hording of gold, and vaunting of bad
English.' John looked down ere he finished, and seemed taking a
bird's-eye view of the great Utah territory. The Great Salt Lake I
assured him was where the venerable navigator Noah discharged his
ballast of salt bags. As for the settlers on its borders, they were
the followers of Joe Smith, a veritable descendant of Ham, who never
was known for the good he did. That clever mouthpiece of English
opinion, the _Times_, says they will one day confuse and cause much
trouble to the people of the United States; but this is only the
offspring of that one strong idea so characteristic of Mr. John Bull.
Now these descendants of the veritable Smith have a fantastic
appreciation of many wives--a strange delusion in which there cannot
be much happiness; but beyond this they are a very harmless people,
who, beyond the sin of having many wives (and if this be a sin, it may
be found at many a cleaner door!), may be excused from much they do.

"'One word, if you please, Mr. Smooth!' suddenly interrupted John
Littlejohn,--'it is in that the dangerous element of your Yankee
nature exists. Once beyond the neutralizing sphere of public opinion,
you go in for all sorts of vagaries, the more inconsistent with strict
order the better.' This crimination was certainly as fast as out of
place; John was, indeed, too ready to censure us without a
forethought. We had given these deluded creatures a home in our land;
we had received them as citizens, though most of them were subjects of
that land of freedom where the chains fall to give place to
flunkeyism; we had protected them in their wilderness home--should we
not be generous, and forgive their errors rather than punish or
provoke the delusion? Preferring more than one wife is not originally
American: on that score Uncle John cannot shake clean the skirts of
his garment, nor proclaim his virtue as white as snow. Ere this
conversation ended we had arrived over California. Standing up I gave
three long and strong cheers that astonished and awoke John from the
moody reflections into which he had fallen. There the great El Dorado
spread out in golden plains, teeming their rich treasures into Uncle
Sam's apron. Then, all bright and full of busy life, rose San
Francisco, the stars and stripes waving gracefully from a thousand
temples. A thousand ships, like monsters sleeping, rode on the calm
bosom of her waters;--a busy throng of merchants filled her broad
avenues; while houseless, anxious, and never-despairing mortals, like
swine at large, rooted her broad plains for gold. A country, by the
aid of that Anglo-Saxon energy which carries liberty and civilization
into the remotest corners of the world had risen, like a young giant,
from a wilderness to a flourishing State. Already was it a world of
industry, every man working for the main chance. John could not
suppress an expression of gratification,--the sight was bright of
promise; but, he added, he much feared his countrymen would view it
with a jealous eye, inasmuch as it might become a means of deranging
their beautiful organization of very fashionable society. We were made
up of an indescribable compound of common people and shopkeepers, he
added, shrugging his shoulders and changing slightly his position. He
forgot that the absence of two of the greatest evils a nation groans
under had brought its blessings on our land,--Mr. Smooth refers to
pauper lords, and lords who make paupers. Great men there sprung from
the commonest ranks to take the best care of the nation. They
discarded the expensive nonsense of maintaining dignity which polluted
independence: they respect the poor man's rights and brighten his
prospects; they seek to promote the good of all and fear not the few!

"Smooth, in humble solicitude for the reader's feelings, begs he will
join him again while proceeding on his course. Proceeding at a rapid
rate we had well nigh lost sight of the El Dorado, when John made a
significant motion, which, being translated, meant that he would like
to take another glass of hot punch. To this proposition I readily
consented; after which we lighted two real Havanas, and rolled on as
resolute as a flying Dutchman. It was with some effort that John
curbed his natural feelings. The punch, being placed in the right
place, seemed to create new thoughts. 'Queer fellows you are!' says
he, to talk of freedom and equal rights. 'Why, you have got a human
property market open, and more than three millions of souls up for a
bid. Mark my word, Mr. Smooth, the voice of sorrow for your human
commerce will yet shake the stability of your country. When slavery
drives this country to sectional issues; when it corrupts the federal
power; when it serves the ambition of those who would drag us into
foreign broils; when patriotic men, North and South, ceased to come
forward for the safety of a confederation, then will sectionalism wage
its angry wars against a noble edifice, whose foundation history tells
us must totter under the siege of strife.'

CHAPTER X.

SMOOTH PRESERVES YOUNG AMERICA'S RIGHTS.

"Day dawned through the gray mist of the East, as crowding the old
institution, we sailed swiftly through the air, over the calm
Pacific. Soon San Francisco seemed but a speck in the dim distance.
On, on, on, we sped, until the land passed far out of sight behind.
Our next business was to hang in suspense our hopes, and await the
welcome sight of land ahead. John strained his eyes, and I did the
same. Two hours passed, and the welcome moment arrived. 'I see it!'
exclaimed John--'Land oh! Land oh!' In a frenzy of joy he had
well-nigh upset the barge and spilled us out. Then he pointed his
finger to an object in the distance that seemed like a lonely steeple
holding watch over midnight.

"'I see it!' I rejoined--'it's land--a new discovery: I'll call it
Uncle Sam's Land.'

"'A little more moderate, if you please, Mr. Smooth,' retorted John,
very politely. 'Seeing it first, I claim the right of calling it
Prince Albert's Island.' John was inclined to exchange any amount of
diplomatic notes, but I inquired, in a plain sort of way, what would
be the good it could confer on his country? to which he folded his
arms, and replied curtly, that having it was the thing sought for by
his government. He might institute the Established Church on it, and
create any amount of Bishops, with good fat salaries--a thing
all-desirable in the eyes of the Saviour. We use these out-of-the-way
places,' he continued, 'as a means of relief to our over-crowded
population and pensioners. We are heavy of pensioners, while our
governors are prone to create dependencies, which they do in
consideration of the very large stock of gentlemen always on hand, and
most clamorous to be provided for at John's expense.'

"Having arrived over the spot, we found it an out-of-the-way island;
upon which I suggested that it would be better to drop the stars and
stripes, with a note to the chief (if one there existed) desiring he
would put it up in the name of our great Republic. John, taking the
initiative, began to draw from his pocket a bit of bunting; but so
methodical was he, that before he had completed the process I took
from my pocket a piece of red chalk, and on my white, Sunday nightcap
figured the Stars and Stripes. This done, I rolled it round my
jacknife, and let it slide downward ere John had his Union Jack
ready. Down it went, like a thunderbolt chased by a streak of chain
lightning. 'Put that up, in the name of these United States' thought
I,--'we'll take care of that little bit of territory.'

"'Well,' interrupted John, looking as serious as a May moon, 'it's
Yankee outright: I confess the Union Jack can't keep up with the Stars
and Stripes, nohow!'

"'Give us your hand, John,' said I, 'we'll be good-natured anyhow,
seeing the positive proof that we both belong to the same school. We
are types of two very progressive and honorable gentlemen, who, in a
very modest sort of way, do pirate territory now and then, merely for
the sake of that inevitable result the extending good constitutional
principles has. If our small faults creep above the surface now and
then, the influence they have is more than counterbalanced by the good
which may come. But, while we both affect a deal of modesty, and are
ever criminating and recriminating each other's acts, would it not be
well to acknowledge the motive by which both are moved to the same
greedy propensities? Think it over, John; and at the same time let us
join--just to keep up the good-nature--in another glass of whiskey.'
He said he had no objection, so filling up, we drank to the very best
sort of friendship, John winking and blinking, as a squall just
springing up began to increase.

"'That place--we were both a little too fast, John--is inhabited, as
I'm a Christian. I'll bet a cotton-mill it is!' I returned; and before
the words were cold I saw a French sentinel pacing as straight as a
handspike in uniform, and as mutely savage as a scare-crow in a
corn-field. There he was, moustaches heavier nor a goat's smellers,
_a la_ old guard. Not a great way behind his Saxon neighbors, he was
watching No. I; just keeping an unoffending eye on Queen Tamerhamer's
little place. That tawny sovereign had insulted the French, but it was
difficult for them to define the nature of the offence. However, they
claimed the right to mount guard, if only to the end of getting a
better foot-hold. Poor, hapless sovereign! she thought more of her
tinsel than the French did of her rights: thus the small difficulty.
Frenchmen are clever fellows in a small way, have very pliable ideas,
which they can change with wondrous celerity; they aim to do good, if,
through their eccentricities, they too often fail. They are pleased to
consider themselves more refined than Americans, and yet they are more
deficient in moral courage--that moral courage which is made to
conserve the good of the State. An Englishman's reserve, a Frenchman's
politeness, and a Yankee's go-aheadativeness,--all contending for the
palm of honesty, form the curious illustration of an eventful age.

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