Timothy Templeton - The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth

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"Journeying a few days through a country rich of soil and rivers
turned to no account, we reached a dominion called the Punjaub, which
John said had limits he knew not where, and was his, too. He acquired
it by the same bold and very honorable stroke of policy. The chiefs,
he said, kept up a continued jarring among themselves; such being
fatal to their best interests, he, as a friend, merely stepped in to
put an end to their unprofitable disputes.

"As I have before told the reader, this honorable individual, who
sensitively declared nothing could make him less than a gentleman,
never failed to consider himself a model of forbearance, but in the
fulness of his generous soul, having conquered, he rather preferred to
remain conqueror. In the Punjaub John had left his mark, but nothing
to praise.

"Despairing of finding something to praise in the Punjaub we passed
over into Pegua--John's also. Got by the same bold stroke of policy--a
few variations excepted! It was rather a fascinating piece of
territory, to the Rajah of which he had several times offered
protection, after the manner of that protectorate of two centuries, so
vauntingly claimed over the Mosquitoes. The barbarian as often
rejected it. This, John could not submit to: humanity demanded he
should accept the kind proffer. And to serve the ends of humanity did
John hasten to the Rajah's palace one Commodore Lambert--a pugnacious
seafaring diplomatist, known for his love of the yard-arm law. The
Commodore would hold a parley with the Rajah; the Rajah, whose dignity
was first to be consulted, was too slow in preparing his palace. The
Commodore, erratic of temper, was at times accustomed to growl for his
own amusement; he now growled for the amusement of his countrymen. The
result was natural. In the littleness of his vanity did the Rajah
imagine himself a very great man. He was important of those small
follies which prove the great misfortunes of old nations. The
Commodore must wait in the sun, with becoming respect for his
dignity. But the seafaring diplomatist esteemed the importance of his
cloth above all barbarian considerations, hence decided himself
insulted. As patience is essential to the success of diplomacy, so the
Rajah deemed it expedient to test how far that quality was possessed
by the Commodore, whom he permitted to wait two hours in a vertical
sun. This was too much for the patience of any respectable gentleman,
and only resulted in exciting the petulance of the before-named
sea-going Ambassador, who just demolished a few out-of-the-way towns,
and pocketed the kingdom for his Queen. From this it will be seen (we
make no allowance for John's acceptance of the issue) that the vanity
of a Rajah and the petulance of a Commodore cost a kingdom. Littlejohn
said this was the way Pegua slipt, almost unconsciously, into the
possession of his family. The process was of itself so innocent!
Language to praise it sufficiently John could not find. Diplomacy
having large claims on the observance of etiquette, cannot permit
insults to go unpunished, said he. The Commodore, too, was in
diplomacy a fast sort of man, and could not be excited to anger
without a consideration--which said consideration was no other than
that the aforesaid Rajah just hand over the kingdom. Spunky boys are
Uncle John and Cousin Jonathan! To that end the Commodore pitched into
the Rajah, thrashed him, bagged his dominions, and would as little as
possible were said about it. Here, then, it was clearly shown that
what John charged Jonathan with was but a facsimile of the crimes so
profusely spread at his own door. Great governments are at best
thieves; and to claim a superiority of modesty in acquiring dominion
is poor moonshine badly spent. With these contemplations we agreed not
to quarrel, but continue our journey over Turkey homeward.

CHAPTER XIII.

MR. SMOOTH SEES A COUNTRY GREAT IN RESOURCES BLIGHTED BY A NARROW
POLICY.

"Difficult is it for a man travelling in a country where everything
seems crooked, to keep up straight ideas. I have said crooked, for
where nature has been most profuse in her blessings, and no signs of
the iron sinews of progress are seen; where no Mississippi steamboats
move on in busy occupation, opening up the resources of a country;
where no bright villages hold to light the charms of hardy industry;
where the favored few gather the fruits of the husbandman's
energy--something must indeed be crooked. Through countries enamelled
of nature's best offerings, as fine as ever spread out before the eye
of man, we travelled; but all seemed wasting away in the inertness of
bad government. A narrow policy had spread weeds where fruitful vines
would have hung blessings for mankind. Things called men revelled in
what to them seemed luxury, but in poverty and wretchedness a people
struggled; men walked to and fro in tattered garments, colored like
unto their moral and physical degradation. But they heeded it not, and
were careless because no one cared for them. There is no slavery so
abhorrent as that of the menial who has no thought beyond the narrow
sphere of his servitude, and the little pleasure which his light heart
may transitorily enjoy. Here men saw no vitality in the hand that
ruled: hence they maudled through that deadening scum of servile life
that tramples better things beneath its feet.

"From the fertile bottoms of the Himalayas to the Indian ocean on one
side, and from the Burmese boundary to wherever British rule extended
on the other, there spread out the same sickly prospect. There,
resigned, stood outlined the same apathy of spirit, the same result of
misgovernment--the same soul-degrading influences; the same rebuking
spectacle; the result of the same wealth-dredging principles practiced
by a few. Cotton, corn, and sugar, would have repaid the hand of the
husbandman tenfold, nature having given it germ for that purpose; but
jungle grew in their stead, while bad government rioted in its
follies. Nationality had no soul, energy no lifesprings, progress no
railroads to move onward. The honorable John, having conquered, and
very modestly enthroned himself, was strong to maintain his
centralizing power, from which point he would make effectual his
blighting policy. Notwithstanding this, John would have us believe him
world-wide in his kindness, desire his power made known to mankind in
general, and stood ever ready to have his philanthropy and his tears
spent upon the sorrows of the American slave. Were they not more
needed in his own Indian dominions? A peasant clothed in rags picks
his little spot of sickly cotton as it falls from the bowl; but how
valueless is it to the poor wretch ignorant of the first principles of
trade! Yet, instead of providing for his improvement, this honorable
dredging machine which so disgracefully governs a people flatters him
into contentment with promises it never intended to fill. With his bag
of cotton gathered, the humble subject is pointed to a path through a
country infested by dangerous bands, over which he may seek a market
some hundred miles distant. In its crude state he roughs it, and
sweats it, puts it through--without a gin to give it market
value!--all the various processes of damaging during the transit, and
is surprised that India, with the best soil and climate in the world
for such an object, cannot raise a good and sufficient supply of the
raw material. What a look of pity the wretch might bestow upon the
board of directors, sitting in pompous conclave in Leadenhall street!
Happy is he, Jonathan, who, contented, knows not the things at his
hand by which his own condition may be bettered. And how blind is that
rule, which, having the power to do good, contents itself with
dragging eagerly away the first compensation. The penalty of the crime
of not developing what is given us by nature for a nation's good is
the sacrifice of a people's happiness. My friend John reluctantly
acknowledged the delinquency. Mark the contrast! Had this
all-bountiful India been ours, a more liberal policy would have
produced results widely different. No oligarch could have sacrificed
it to its own avarice; associations would have sprung up for
developing industry; a policy to make the resources of the state serve
general interests would have been established, and the good of the
many had been kept in view. Cotton-growing, and tobacco-planting, and
rice-cultivating, had been encouraged and fostered. Those rich
alluvial bottoms, so fertile and yet so uncultivated, had given out
their rich harvests to some purpose--untaxed prosperity would have
rewarded the hand of the hardy husbandman. India would then, besides
proving herself the greatest exporting empire in the world, have
clothed, fed and made happy her benighted millions.

"Had India been ours, Yankee enterprise had traversed it with plank
roads; Yankee enterprise had laid down strap railroads until better
ones had resulted from profits; Yankee energy had invented a species
of Mississippi steamboat, wherewith to navigate its narrow
water-courses to their source, and there develope the capabilities of
the country. Yes, Yankee ingenuity had had a steamboat where there
was scarce water for a duck to swim. But why pain the feelings with
recapitulations like these? Its resources are of little value when
government interposes a dogged obstinacy to improvements; nor is it
much better where a people seem at a loss to know whose business it is
to give out the incentive. So long as this state of things lasts will
Cotton remain king, and Uncle John be its most servile and dependent
subject. It matters little that his empire is so beautifully adapted
to its cultivation. He must shake off his love of those very ancient
and effeminating systems of his, and adopt the modern policy of
improving and nourishing industry.

"John admitted things were not conducted on the most approved
principle; but as the business belonged to the old gentleman, who was
very testy in the exercise of his power, he was at a loss to conceive
what we had to do with it. That became very easy to explain; for
whereas Young America claims a right to dictate principles that will
aid in working out manifest destiny, so also does he take upon himself
the right of pointing out the evil of all political misgovernment that
falls under his notice. It was not the honorable manner in which a
government acquired new territory or incorporated weak provinces, that
Mr. Smooth had to deal with, but the dishonorable government that
followed. Wherever waste and misery meet the eye of an energetic man,
who discovers the palpable cause at the door of wrong-headed
government, his natural feelings revolt against the powers that be;
and to an American, trained in the New England school of universal
industry, the desolation seems calling upon him to take the initiative
of working out its improvement.

"With me, a feeling, inspired by the best of motives, prompted the
advancing some rules of improvement; but, conscious of Uncle John's
obstinacy to being instructed by youth, and with a just sense of the
obstacles my tattered garments would present, the inclination
failed. Indeed, John, as dogged as he is old in experience, views his
son Jonathan as a bold, reckless, and discontented fellow, whose
notions of progress he would receive with the same cautious hand he
would his, to him, preposterous principles of republicanism. He, while
entertaining some good feeling for us, hath an inert prejudice which
views us as levellers, always reforming or abusing reforms. Swelled,
he says, by large notions of ourselves, generous in our expectations,
and never ceasing in our love of excitements until we are safely
landed in the grave, we are become dangerous to the great family
compact. In the devil's department, says John, your Young America
would prove his energetic nature by devising some new arrangement,
addition, or modification of that gentleman's sin-roasting machinery.
Failing in that, he would plan some enterprise, propose some
joint-account operation with Mr. Jones, and content himself with
'truck-and-dicker,' or charcoal, for his half of the spoils. In
heaven, your Young American would be discontented, unless he were
devising some improvement, getting up spiritual intrigues, or laying
the foundation of some new species of glory--perhaps claiming a right
to entire possession.

"'You must understand, Mr. Smooth,' said John, 'we have long been
meditating a new policy for this great and fertile empire, now so
desolate; but we pursue ends most patiently, letting our thoughts have
the benefit of time, before reducing them to practice. Manchester
wants cotton--wants it free-grown--that she may relieve herself from
the yoke of King Slavery; but she cannot yet solve the problem by
which the throbbings of her manufacturing philanthropy may be set at
rest. She thinks long and strong of it, but there it rests--and
there's the rub. John is blind, and Cotton is king.'

"'With us it would present no rub; give us the means, as spread out to
your hands, and the problem we would solve while you were pondering
over its intricacy. We would pay good premiums to practical overseers
of cotton plantations in Georgia and Alabama, who, with the inducement
offered, would come as instructors--cotton-growing requires the
application of the nicest agricultural science--in the art of
cultivating the sensitive plant. And to encourage private enterprise
we would offer bounties for the largest amount of best quality
produced on the smallest space. By government encouraging the best
staple, a rivalry would spring up which could not fail to produce much
good; it would open up a spirited system of planting, as well as that
enlarged intercommunication of commerce which must follow.' Let me
take leave of this subject!

"From India we sojourned across the great desert, meeting in
succession the white-robed Arab, the savage Kurd, the docile Yeeside,
and the melancholy Turk. John said we must have a staff, and a score
of guides, and no end of menials, and must put on the dignity, or it
would not be safe, especially now that Turks and Russians were at war.
Mr. Smooth took exceptions to this ruling, preferring to assume the
go-ahead, and test the virtue of a hard front, the effects of which he
was quite sure would not be entirely lost even among the Arabs. And
then, if the Turks and Russians were again at war about holy
places--places for which a deal of human blood had been spilt for the
mere gratification of a very unholy ambition--Mr. Smooth, on behalf of
Young America, might make a dollar or two by the way of proposing a
very christian plan for settling the stubborn intricacy. With this
best of all motives in view, I left John in the desert, where he said
he expected to do some good business, and, what was better, get some
good dinners. So, bidding him godspeed, I made straight headway for
the point where the pious difficulty had resulted in so much
iniquitous blood-shedding.

"The fact is, Old Uncle John was at first inclined to make rather
spare use of bear's grease to dress his Turkey, an unhealthy bird,
scarcely possessing fat enough to cook himself; but, being rather
doubtful of his own culinary efficiency, had consented to receive a
French cook into the family: and, fearing there might yet be a
deficiency, the ever-credulous old dotard was making good-natured
overtures to one Joseph of Hapsburg,--never trustworthy, and always
known to act as circumstances changed interests,--who said there was
no knowing what time he would be ready to turn his attention to such
purposes. Joseph, however, was never in his life so willing to play
open and shut with John, at the same time giving Nicholas that cunning
wink so well understood in all respectable family circles. This game
Joseph played, and played, and played, until the credulity of old John
seemed like a cooked fish in a pot of porridge. The fact must be
confessed that Joseph was so politically dishonest that to be for once
honest was tantamount to a great victory over his traditional
immorality. Knowing right well the traits of character this Joseph
possessed, Jonathan would at short notice lend a willing hand to
thrash other morals into his system. However, with a view of leaving
this point to be settled by more interested parties, Smooth proceeded
to the holy places, where, he regrets to say, he shuddered at the
thought of how much human slaughtering it had been the scene--all done
for holy causes. Let an impious world forgive those _Little Ones_ who
in all ages have lent their aid to stimulate the worst passions!

"As for Turkey, I, Smooth, would make no insinuations against that
lovely but ill-governed country. Muslamism was dying by its own hand;
it had shocked a world with its persecutions; it had scoffed at
virtue, and was sinking down into its own deluge of vice. The
independence of Turkey! Now, Mr. Smooth made no boast of his
common-sense, but to such as he had it was a question whether the
Turk, instead of exhibiting so fanatical a love for fighting, had not
better betake himself to reconstructing and reforming his internal
government, and by that means save himself from a continual jarring
with nations sensitive of the rights of their subjects. Should this be
thought an employment too inferior, he might employ himself with a
plan for enforcing a more strict respect for the rights and feelings
of the christian population under his political rule. It would not be
incompatible with his own best interests, for it is unnatural that an
inferior govern a superior race. Flatterers, and even savans, may find
apologies in the changes fortune has been pleased to make in the
affairs of a state; but here so strong are the evidences of bad
government that only lame excuses can be offered for the finest
country the sun shines on groaning in poverty and distress. The
independence of Turkey!

"There could be no doubt that the Bear had long cherished a serious
inclination to do for the Turkey, the character of whose independence
he well understood. He would make fertile use of its apathy. The Bear
would cook the Turkey with his own grease--albeit, he found him a sick
man, but had no objection to the meal. If, however, he had lain his
paws too rudely upon the patient, diplomatic donkeyism made the case
still more dangerous. Mr. Smooth begs the reader's pardon for using
the term 'diplomatic donkeyism;' but indeed the only difference he has
yet been capable of detecting between the conclave which drew upon the
nations of Europe so much carnal warfare and the assinine species is,
that the former have soft heads in place of ears. These diplomatic
donkeys, ever ready to keep the world apprised of their own greatness,
and without the slightest objection to getting up an unnecessary
number of excitements for its benefit, betook themselves to playing
drafts, in which game they made such an innumerable quantity of wrong
moves, that they lost themselves on the board. The world strove to
respect the body, but having never before been perplexed with such
polite players, the effort was indeed a task. With regard to their
game of drafts, such was the fear of the Bear exhibited by the movers
that no one dare remove him boldly from the King row, lest it leave an
opening he was but too ready to take advantage of; nor did they want
to wound the Turkey by any incautious move whereby the Bear might
unhesitatingly swallow him: so they pushed and shoved until they found
themselves in a sort of baby-jumper, in which they could be nursed to
sleep while the war they had so innocently kindled waged fierce and
bloody. In fact, they themselves got the Bear so far into the crockery
shop that no one could get him out without smashing to pieces the
whole establishment.

"Everywhere in Turkey they were preparing for war; and so Mr. Smooth,
as soon as he reached Constantinople, where everybody seemed surprised
to see such a description of citizen, called a meeting of those whose
feelings were so finely up in fighting trim, to whom he stated in most
emphatic language that, inasmuch as Turkey had ennobled herself by her
noble defence of Kossuth, whose asylum in her domain was held sacred
at the price of the kingdom, he had great respect for her, but could
not think of fighting. But they didn't seem to understand square
Yankee talk; the consequence of which, in Mr. Smooth's opinion, would
be the Bear getting his cubs in motion, to do some first-rate
fighting. In this fighting Mr. Smooth would not have the least
objection to taking a hand, provided always that there was some coin
to be made at it. However, before entering upon the fighting business,
Mr. Smooth would especially stipulate that all Austrian notes and
Prussian protocols be used up in a bonfire, Austria be turned adrift
as an inconsistent huckster without principles, the diplomatic donkeys
be driven into the Danube, and all constitutional governments bound by
arbitrary yokes set free. In that case freedom and constitutionalism
would fight its own battles and constitutionalism would bid defiance
to Czarism. When the battle of liberty against barbarism became the
issue, then Young America would join with a bounding heart, a glowing
soul, and a firm hand. We can whip all creation, build more churches,
blow up more steamboats, lay down more railroads, and absorb more
Mexican territory, than any other nation breathing; but, in this case,
where liberty was at stake, hold me back if we wouldn't fight! At the
same time we would pay a premium for the privilege of whipping Austria
single-handed. Young America owes her a debt he stands ready to pay at
the shortest notice and cheapest price. 'Mr. Smooth,' said I, 'is here
before you, a free and independent citizen of the United States, ready
to chalk down the items of fighting to be done, say about how much we
can do it for, and get General Pierce, whose fighting diplomatists
will be thrown in, to stand security.' Not comprehending this generous
proposition I left them to their own stupid way; and as every American
conceived he had a right to his own opinions I hoped they would become
a reflex of the example.

"Seeing nothing, in Constantinople I could turn to account--the allies
were undermining the foundation of Muslamism as fast as possible--I
took a stroll to the seat of war, contenting myself with the hope that
something would ultimately turn up. The fact was, I meant to follow
the policy of the Aberdeen government when starving to death one of
the bravest armies that ever faced a foe. Instead of expanding plains
and undulating hills, such as Smooth had pictures to his mind in his
boyhood, I found the seat of war an ungainly mud-puddle, with ramparts
of savage-looking citizens menacing each other from its opposite
banks. Between these banks the amusement of war was every now and then
kept up with doubtful results. That something more than ordinary was
to pay I felt assumed by the grimaces of the contending parties, and
feeling a deep interest in the cause, I vaulted into the mist of a
group on the left bank, so singularly mixed that their identity as
allies could not be mistaken. To the question as to what brought them
there, they answered with unintelligible assertions about the
issue--the balance, of power--the _status quo_ of Europe, and nobody
knows how many more things that were to remain unmoved. The best that
could be made of it was, that the atmosphere of kings and emperors was
filled with very explosive matter which they thought it best to let
off in this sort, of way. If, according to Mr. Smooth's philosophy,
Europe were to remain in _status quo_, that spirit of progress so much
beloved by Mr. Pierce, and his family must die, a natural death. Was
it not singular that the least discussed issue, the most prominent one
of the war, according to Smooth's opinion, was in regard to who should
be the greatest toad in the European puddle? Your European puddle is
no ordinary affair; kings and emperors only dabble in it at the
expense of their people. I viewed with some interest this European
cesspool. In the centre there was seated on a pole, with his arms
folded, and having an air of assumed independence, a corpulent old
gentleman, whose face fused broad and red, like a full moon in
harvest-time. This very honorable gentleman had long esteemed himself
the largest toad in the European puddle, and was worthily sensitive of
his position, though he at times exercised it to a bad purpose. He was
notoriously square-shouldered, had beer'd a great deal during his
life, and could be as obstinate as a well-fed donkey. Indeed, he had
more than once been known to put his finger in his mouth and look
serious when great events demanded prompt action, but he never failed
to do his part when driven into the fight. To speak honestly, and
with all deference to the feelings of this very respectable gentleman,
John had no legitimate right to be thus mixed up in this squabble of
European despots; nor should he have permitted himself to be led into
it on the one side by that imperial transgressor, and driven on the
other by his own beer-shop politicians. That imperial first
transgressor had the fickle imaginations of his people to dazzle by
paying off certain old scores; even now how beautifully he plays the
disinterested to curtain the designs of his ambition! John,
nevertheless, did wake from his years of stupor to find himself in an
uncertain position;--this was manifest by the manner in which he
assumed a contemplative mood. A few shakes at the hands of his rougher
politicians aroused his apprehension of being swamped in the political
perplexity. Mr. Smooth paused, and took a careful view of the
venerable old man, that he might learn something more of
him. 'Stranger.' said I, 'what on earth has brought you here?'

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