Various - McClure\'s Magazine, Vol. 31, No. 1, May 1908

V >> Various >> McClure\'s Magazine, Vol. 31, No. 1, May 1908

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It was raining now, but very softly, after all the wild preparation,
with a hint of sunshine through the rain that sent a pale-green light
over the little drawing-room, with its spindle-legged furniture and
the water-colors on its walls, though the gloom of the dining-room
beyond was relieved only by the silver and the white napkins on the
round mahogany table with a glass bowl of green-stemmed, white-belled
lilies-of-the-valley in the center.

The people in the two separate groups in the drawing-room took on an
odd, pearly distinctness, with the flesh-tints subdued. In this
commonplace little gathering on a Sunday afternoon the material seemed
to be only a veil for the things of the spirit--subtle
cross-communications of thought-touch or repulsion, impressions
tinglingly felt. Something seemed to be curiously happening, though
one knew not what. To Dosia's swift observation, Girard had lost some
of the brightness that had shone upon her vision the night of the
ball; he looked as if he had been under some harassing strain. Her
first impression that he had come into the house reluctantly was
reinforced now by an equal impression that he stayed with reluctance.
Why, then, had he come at all? Was it only to escape the rain? Her
rescuer, the hero of her dreams, still held his statued place in the
shrine of her memory, as proudly, defiantly opposed to this stranger.
Had he known? He must have known, just as she had. It was not Lawson
who had hurt her the most! She could not hear what he said, though the
room was small; he and Justin and Lois were absorbed together. It was
evident that he frankly admired Lois, who was smiling at him. Yet, as
he talked, Dosia became curiously aware that from his position
directly across the room he was covertly watching her as she sat
consentingly listening to George Sutton, whose round face was bending
over very near, his thick coat sleeve pinning down the filmy ruffles
of hers as it rested on the carved arm of the little sofa.

She still held Zaidee cuddled close to her, the light head with its
big blue bow lying against her breast, as the child played with the
simple rings on the soft fingers of the hand she held.

Mr. Sutton got up, at Dosia's bidding, to alter the shade, and she
moved a little, drawing Zaidee up to her to kiss her; Girard the next
instant moved slightly also, so that her face was still within his
range of vision, the intent gray eyes shaded by his hand. It was not
her imagining--she felt the strong play of unknown forces: the gaze of
those two men never left her, one covertly observant, the other most
obviously so. George came back from his errand only to sit a little
closer to Dosia, his eyes in their most suffused state. He was,
indeed, in that stage of infatuation which can no longer brook any
concealment, and for which other men feel a shamefaced contempt,
though a woman even while she derides, holds it in a certain respect
as a foolish manifestation of something inherently great, and a
tribute to her power. To Dosia's indifference, in this strange dual
sense of another and resented excitement,--an excitement like that
produced on the brain by some intolerably high altitude,--Mr. Sutton's
attentions seemed to breathe only of a grateful warmth; she felt that
he was being very, very kind. She could ask him to do anything for
her, and he would do it, no matter what it was, just because she asked
him. He was planning now a day on somebody's yacht, with Lois, of
course; and "What do you say, Miss Dosia--can't we make it a family
party, and take the children too?" he asked, with eager divination of
what would please this lovely thing.

"Yes, oh, why can't you take _us_?" cried Zaidee, trembling with
delight.

The rain had ceased, but the sunlight had vanished, too; the whole
place was growing dark. There was a sudden silence, in which Dosia's
voice was heard saying:

"I'll get my photograph now, if you want it." She rose and left the
room,--she could not have stayed in it a moment longer,--and Zaidee
ran over to her father, her white frock crumpled and the cheek that
had lain against Dosia rosy warm.

"You had better light the lamp, Justin," said Lois, and then, "Oh,
you're not going?" as Girard stood up.

He turned his bright, gentle regard upon her. "I'm afraid I'll have
to."

"I expected you to stay to tea; I've had a place set for you."

"I'd like to very much--it's kind of you to ask me--but I'm afraid not
to-night. I'll see you to-morrow, Sutton, I suppose. Good evening,
Mrs. Alexander." His hand-touch seemed to give an intimacy to the
words.

"Your stick is out here in the hall somewhere," said Justin,
investigating the corners for it, while Zaidee, who had followed the
two, stood in the doorway.

"I wonder if this little girl will kiss me good-by?" asked Girard
tentatively.

"Will you, Zaidee?" asked her father, in his turn.

For all answer, Zaidee raised her little face trustfully. Girard
dropped on one knee, a very gallant figure of a gentleman, as he put
both arms around the small, light form of the child and held her
tightly to him for one brief instant while his lips pressed that warm
cheek. When he strode lightly away, waving his hand behind him in
farewell, it was with an odd, somber effect of having said good-by to
a great deal.

For the second time that day, it seemed that Zaidee had been the
recipient of an emotion called forth by some one else.

XVII

"Lois?"

"Yes?"

Dosia had come into the nursery, where Lois sat sewing, a canary
overhead swinging with shrill velocity in a stream of sunshine. Her
look gave no invitation to Dosia. She did not want to talk; she was
busy, as ever, with--no matter what she was doing--the self-fulness of
her thoughts, which chained her like a slave. She had been longing to
move into the other house, where, amid new surroundings, she could
escape from the familiar walls and outlook that each brought its
suggestion of pain, with the wearying iterancy of habit, no matter how
she wanted to be happy.

Dosia dropped half-unwillingly into a chair as she said:

"I've something to tell you, Lois."

"Well?"

"I'm engaged to George Sutton."

"Dosia!"

Lois' work fell from her hand as she stared at the girl.

"I'm sure I don't see that you need be surprised," said Dosia. She
looked pale and expressionless, as one who did not expect either
sympathy or interest.

"No, I suppose not," said Lois. "Of course, I know he has been paying
you a great deal of attention, but then, he has paid other girls
almost as much." She stopped, with her eyes fixed on Dosia. In a
sense, she had rather hoped for this; the marriage would certainly
solve many difficulties, and be a very fine thing for Dosia--if Dosia
could----! Yet now the idea revolted Lois. To marry a man without
loving him would have been to her, at any time or under any stress, a
physical impossibility. Marriage for friendship or suitability or
support were outside her scheme of comprehension. She spoke now with
cold disapproval:

"Dosia, you don't know what you are doing. You don't love George
Sutton."

Dosia's face took on the well-known obstinate expression.

"He loves me, anyhow, and he is satisfied with me as I am. If he is
satisfied, I don't see why any one else need object! He likes me just
as I am, whether I care for him or not."

She clasped both hands over her knee as she went on with that
unexplainable freakishness to which girlhood is sometimes maddeningly
subject, when all feeling as well as reason seems in abeyance, though
her voice was tremulous. "And I _do_ care for him. I like him better
than any one I know. We are sympathetic on a great many points. No
one--_no one_ has been so kind to me as he! He doesn't want anything
but to make me happy."

Lois made a gesture of despair. "Oh, _kind_! As if a man like George
Sutton, who has done nothing but have his own way for forty years, is
going to give up wanting it now! Marriage is very different from what
girls imagine, Dosia."

"I suppose so," said Dosia indifferently. She rose and came over to
Lois. "Would you like to see my ring?" She turned the circle around on
her finger, displaying a diamond like a search-light. "He gave it to
me last night."

"It is very handsome," said Lois. "I suppose you will have to be
thinking of clothes soon," she added, with a glimmer of the natural
feminine interest in all that pertains to a wedding, since further
protest seemed futile. "I will write to Aunt Theodosia."

"Thank you," said Dosia dutifully.

A hamper of fruit came for her at luncheon, almost unimaginably
beautiful in its arrangement of white hothouse grapes and peaches and
strawberries as large as the peaches; and the contents of a box of
flowers filled every available vase and jug and bowl in the house, as
Dosia arranged them, with the help of Zaidee and Redge--the former
winningly helpful, and the latter elfishly agile, his bare knees
nut-brown from the sun of the springtime, jumping on her back whenever
she stooped over, to be seized in her arms and hugged when she
recovered herself. Flowers and children, children and flowers! Nothing
could be sweeter than these.

In the afternoon, in a renewed capacity for social duties, she put on
her hat with the roses and went to make a call, long deferred and
hitherto impossible of accomplishment, on a certain Mrs. Wayne, a
bride of a few months, who, as Alice Lee, had been one of the girls of
her outer circle. Dosia did not mean to announce her engagement, but
she felt that Alice Wayne's state of mind would be more sympathetic,
even if unconsciously so, than Lois'.

As she walked along now, she thought of George with a deeply grateful
affection. How good he was to her! He had been unexpectedly nice when
he had asked her to marry him; the very force of his feeling had given
him an unusual dignity. His voice had broken almost with a groan on
the words:

"I have never known any one with such a beautiful nature as yours,
Miss Dosia! I just worship you! I only want to live to make you
happy."

He did not himself care for motoring--being, truth to tell, afraid of
it; but she was to choose a car next week. She had told him about her
father and her mother and the children. She was to have the latter
come up to stay with her after she was married--do anything for them
that she would. In imagination now she was taking them through all the
shops in town, buying them toy horses and soldiers and balls, and
dressing them in darling little light-blue sailor-suits. She could
hardly wait for the time to come! She thought with a little awe that
she hadn't known that Mr. Sutton was as well off as he seemed to be.
And the way he had spoken of Lawson--Ah, Lawson! That name tugged at
her heart. This suddenly became one of those anguished moments when
she yearned over him as over a beloved lost child, to be wept over,
succored only through her efforts. She must never forget! "Lawson, I
believe in you." She stopped in the shaded, quiet street with its
garden-surrounded houses, and said the words aloud with a solemn sense
of immortal infinite power, before coming back to the eager surface
planning of her own life, with an intermediate throb of a new and
deeper loneliness. The Dosia who had so upliftingly faced truth had
only strength enough left now to evade it. Perhaps some of that
exquisite inner perception of her nature had been jarred confusingly
out of touch.

Mrs. Wayne was in, although, the maid announced, she had but just
returned from town. A moment later Dosia heard herself called from
above:

"Dosia Linden! Won't you come up-stairs? You don't mind, do you?"

"No, indeed," answered Dosia, obeying the summons with alacrity, and
pleased that she should be considered so intimate. This was more than
she had expected--an informal reception and talk. With Dosia's own
responsive warmth, she felt that she really must always have wanted to
see more of Alice, who, in her lacy pink-and-white negligee, might be
pardoned for wishing to show off this ornament of her trousseau.

"I hope you won't mind the appearance of this room," she announced,
after a hospitable violet-perfumed embrace. "I went to town so early
this morning that I didn't have time to really set things to rights,
and I don't like the new maid to touch them."

"You have so many pretty things," said Dosia admiringly.

"Yes, haven't I? Take that seat by the window; it's cooler. _Please_
don't look at that dressing-table; Harry leaves his neckties
everywhere, though he has his own chiffonnier in the other room--he's
such a _bad_ boy! He seems to think I have nothing to do but put away
his things for him."

Mrs. Wayne paused with a bridal air of important matronly
responsibility. She was a tall, thin, black-haired, dashing girl, not
at all pretty, who was always spoken of compensatingly as having a
great deal of "style"; but she seemed to have gained some new and
gentle charm of attraction because she was so happy.

"Have this fan, won't you?" she went on talking. "Harry and I saw you
and George Sutton out walking yesterday. We were in the motor, and had
stopped up on the Drive to speak to Mr. Girard. He _is_ just the
loveliest thing! What a pity he won't go where there are girls! Harry
is quite jealous, though I tell him he needn't be." Mrs. Wayne paused
with a lovely flush before going on. "You didn't see us, though we
stopped quite near you. My dear, it's _very_ evident that--" She
paused once more, this time with arch significance. "Oh, you needn't
be afraid. I never know anything until I'm told. But George is such a
good fellow! I'm sure I ought to know--he was perfectly devoted to me.
Not the kind girls are apt to take a fancy to, perhaps,--girls are so
foolish and romantic,--but he'd be awfully nice to his wife. Harry
says he's a lot richer than anybody knows. And people are so much
happier married--the right people, of course."

"Did you have a pleasant time while you were away?" asked Dosia, as
she lay back in her low, wide, prettily chintz-covered arm-chair. If
she had had some half-defined impulse to confide in Alice Wayne, it
was gone, melted away in this too fervid sunshine of approval. She
had, instead, one of her accessions of dainty shyness; the ring on her
finger, underneath her glove, seemed to burn into her flesh. Her eyes
roved warily around the room as Mrs. Wayne talked about her
wedding-trip and her husband, folding up her Harry's neckties as she
chattered, her fingers lingering over them with little secret pats.
She brought out some of her pretty dresses afterward for Dosia's
inspection. From the open door of a closet beyond, a pair of shoes
was distinctly visible--Harry's shoes, which the wife laughingly put
back into place as she went and closed the door. It was impossible not
to see that even those clumsy, monstrously thick-soled things were
touched with sentiment for her because the feet of her dearest had
worn them.

In Dosia's world so far it was a matter of course that some people
were married--their household life went unnoticed; the fact had no
relation to her own intangible dreams or hopes; it was a condition
inherent to these elders, and not of any particular interest to her.
But Alice Wayne had been a girl like herself until now. This
matter-of-fact community of living forced itself upon her notice, as
if for the first time, as an absolutely new thing. The blood surged up
suddenly through the ice of her indifference; the room choked her.
George Sutton's neckties, not to speak of his shoes----!

"I'll have to be going," she interrupted precipitately, rising as she
spoke.

"Why,"--Alice Wayne stopped in the middle of a sentence, looking at
her in surprise,--"what's the matter? Aren't you well?"

"Yes, yes, but I have an appointment," affirmed Dosia desperately.
"I've been enjoying it all so much, but I'd forgotten I must go--at
once! Good-by."

She almost ran on the way home. There was no appointment, but it was
imperative that she should be alone, away from all suggestion of the
newly married. She hoped that there would be no visitors. But as she
neared the house she saw that there was some one on the piazza--George
Sutton, frock-coated and high-hatted, with a rose above his white
waistcoat and a beaming face that rivaled the rose in color as he came
to meet her.

"Why, I thought you were not coming until this evening," said Dosia
demandingly,--"not until you could see Justin."

"Did you think I could stay away as long as that?" asked George. His
manner the night before had been almost reverential in the depth of
his honest emotion; the kiss he had imprinted on her forehead had
seemed of an impersonal nature, and she a princess who regally allowed
it. She was conscious now of a change.

"Where is Lois?" she asked, as they went up the steps together.

"The maid said she had stepped out for a moment."

"Then we'll sit out here on the piazza and wait for her," said Dosia,
without looking at her lover. Taking the hat-pins out of her hat, she
deposited it on a chair with a quick decision of movement, and then
seated herself by a wicker table, while Mr. Sutton, looking
disappointed, was left perforce to the rocker on the other side.

The piazza was rather a long one, and, except for a rambling vine,
open toward the street; but around the corner of the house Japanese
screens walled it off from passers-by into a cozy arbored nook, sweet
with big bowls of roses.

"Come around to the other end of the porch," said George appealingly.

"No," said Dosia, with her obstinate expression; "I like it here."

She stripped the long gloves from her arms, and spread out her hands,
palms upward, in her lap. The diamond, which had been turned inward,
caught the sunshine gloriously. His gaze fell upon it, and he smiled.
Dosia saw the smile and reddened.

"I wish you wouldn't sit there looking at me," she said in a tone
which she tried to make neutral.

"Come down to the other end of the piazza--just for a moment."

"No!" said Dosia again. She gave a sudden movement and changed her
tone sharply: "Oh, there's a spider on the table there, crawling
toward me! Please take it away." Her voice rose uncontrollably. "I
hate spiders--oh, I _hate_ spiders! I'm afraid of them. Make it go
away! Please! There--now you've got it; throw it off the piazza,
quick! Don't bring it near me!"

"The little spider won't hurt you," said George enjoyingly.

Dosia, flushing and paling alternately, carried entirely out of her
deterring placidity, her blue eyes dilatingly raised to his, her red
lips quivering, was distractingly lovely. Fear gave to her quick,
uncalculated movements the grace of a wild thing. George, in spite of
his solid good qualities, possessed the mistaken playfulness of the
innately vulgar. He advanced, the spider now held between his thumb
and forefinger, a little nearer to her--a little nearer yet. There is
a type of bucolic mind to which the causeless, palpitating fear of a
woman is an exquisitely funny joke.

"Don't," said Dosia again, in a strangled voice, ready to fly from the
chair. The spider touched her sleeve, with George's fatuously smiling
face behind it. The next instant she had fled wildly down to the
screened corner of the veranda, with George after her, only to be
stopped by the screens at the end. His following arms closed tightly
around her as he kissed her in happy triumph.

After one wild, instinctive effort at struggle, Dosia stood perfectly
still, with that peculiarly defensive self-possession that came into
play at such times. She seemed to yield entirely now to the rightful
caresses of an accepted lover as she said in a perfectly even and
casual tone of voice:

"Let me go for a moment, George! I must get my handkerchief up-stairs.
I'll be right back again."

"Don't be gone long," said George fondly, releasing her
half-unconsciously at the accent of custom.

"No," said Dosia, very pale, and smiling back at him coquettishly as
she went off with unhurried step--to dart up two pairs of stairs like
a flying, hunted thing, and into her room, to lock the door fast and
bolt it as if from the thoughts that pursued her.

Lois, coming up the stairs half an hour later, rattled the door-knob
ineffectually before she knocked.

"Dosia, what's the matter? To whom are you talking? Let me in! Katy
said, when she came up, you would not answer. She said Mr. Sutton had
been walking up and down the piazza for a long time. Dosia, let me in;
let me in this minute!"

The key clicked in the lock, the bolt slipped back, and the door flew
open. Dosia, in her blue muslin frock, her hair in wild disorder, was
standing in the center of the room, fiercely rubbing her already
scarlet cheeks with a rough towel. Every trace of assumed listlessness
had vanished; she was frantically alive, with blazing, defiant eyes,
and talking half-disconnectedly.

"Never let him come here again--never, never!" she appealed to Lois.

"Whom do you mean?"

"George Sutton!"

A contraction passed over her face; she began rubbing again with
renewed fury.

"Don't do that, Dosia! You'll take the skin off. Stop it!"

Lois, alarmed, put her arm around the girl, trying to push the towel
away from her. "Dosia, sit down by me here on the bed--how you're
trembling! What on earth is the matter? Dosia, you must not; you'll
take the skin off your face."

"I want to take it off," whispered Dosia intensely. "I hate him, I
hate him! I never want to see him again. I can't see him again. I
threw the ring out in the hall somewhere; you'll have to find it. I
couldn't have it in the room with me! Lois, you must tell him I can't
see him again; promise me that I'll never see him again--promise,
_promise_!" She clung to Lois as if her life depended on that
protection.

"Yes, yes, dear, I promise," said Lois, with a sudden warmth of
sympathy such as she had never before felt for the girl. This
situation, this feeling, she could comprehend--it might have been her
own in similar case. She had known girls before who had been engaged
for but a day or a week, and then revolted--it was not so new a
circumstance as the world fancies.

She drew the towel now from Dosia's relaxed fingers, and held her
closer as she said:

"There, be quiet, Dosia, and don't make yourself ill. I don't see what
that poor man is going to do--of course he'll feel dreadfully; but you
can't help that now--it's a great deal better than finding out the
mistake later. I'll tell him not to come again; I promise you. Of
course, I'll have to speak to Justin--I don't know what he will say!"
Lois broke into a rueful smile. "Dosia, Dosia! What scrape will you
get into next?"

"Isn't it dreadful!" gasped poor Dosia. She sat up straight and looked
at Lois with tragic eyes.

"Now two men have kissed me. I can never get over that in this world.
I can never be nice again--no one can ever think I'm nice again! No
one can ever--_love_ me in this world!" She buried her hot face in
Lois' bosom, sobbing tearlessly against that new shelter, in spite of
the other's incoherent words of comfort, so unalterably, so inherently
a woman made to be loved that the loss of the dream of it was like the
loss of existence. After a moment Dosia went on brokenly:

"It seems so strange. Things begin, and you think they are going to
turn out to be something you want very much, and then all of a sudden
they end--and there is nothing more. Everything is all beginning--and
then it ends--there is nothing more. And now I can never be really
nice again!"

"Nonsense! You'll feel very differently about it all after a while,"
said Lois sensibly.

"I don't want to go down-stairs again." Dosia began to shake
violently. "If he were to come back----"

"Well, stay up here. Zaidee shall bring you your dinner," said Lois
humoringly. "I must go down now; I hear Justin. Only, you'll have to
promise me to be quiet, Dosia, and not begin going wild again the
moment I'm out of the room."

"No, I'll be good," murmured Dosia submissively. "Oh, Lois, you're so
kind to me! I love you so much!"

Her head ached so hard that it was easy to be quiet now. She could not
eat the meal which Zaidee, assisted to the door by the maid, brought
in to her. It seemed, oddly enough, like a reversion back to that
first night of her arrival--oh, so long ago!--after tempest and
disaster. Yet then the white, enhancing light of the future had shone
down through everything, and now there was no future, only a murky
past, and she a poor girl who had dropped so far out of the way of
happiness that she could never get back to it, never be nice again.
That hand that had once held hers so firmly, so steadily, that she
could sleep secure with just the comfort of its remembered touch, the
thought of it had become only pain, like everything else. Oh, back of
all this shaming hurt with Lawson and George Sutton was another shame,
that went deeper and deeper still. Since that visit of Bailey
Girard's, she had known that he had thought of her as she had thought
of him, with a knowledge that could not be controverted. It is
astonishing that we, who feel ourselves to be so dependent on speech
as a means of communication, have our intensest, our most revealing
moments without it. He had thought of her as she had of him, and, with
the thought of her in his heart, had been content easily that it
should be no more.

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