Various - Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, June 20, 1917
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, June 20, 1917
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 152.
June 20th, 1917.
=CHARIVARIA.=
A man who purchased sandwiches at a railway restaurant and afterwards
threw them into the road was fined five shillings at Grimsby Police
Court last week. His explanation--that he did not know they might
injure the road--was not accepted by the Court.
* * *
We cannot help thinking that too much fuss has been made about trying
to stop Messrs. RAMSAY MACDONALD and JOWETT from leaving England. So
far as we can gather they did not threaten to return to this country
afterwards.
* * *
A North of England man, obviously wishing to appear unusual, still
persists in the stupid story that he did not hear the Messines
explosion.
* * *
We can think of no finer example of the humility of true greatness
than KING CONSTANTINE'S decision to abdicate.
* * *
There were forty thousand fewer paupers in 1916 than in 1915,
according to figures recently published. The difference is accounted
for by the number of revue-writers who have resumed their agricultural
occupations.
* * *
In a small town in Australia, says a news item, over two tons of mice
were killed in two days. For some unknown reason, which perhaps the
Censor can explain, the name of the cat is withheld.
* * *
"Eliminate the middleman," demands a contemporary. It might prove a
simpler affair, after all, than the present system of suppressing the
inner man.
* * *
Mr. GINNELL, M.P., is responsible for the statement that "bringing
an action against the police in Ireland is like bringing one against
Satan in hell." The chief obstacle in the latter case is of course the
total absence of learned counsel in that locality.
* * *
The KAISER, it appears, has lost no time in commiserating with his
troops on their magnificent victory at Messines.
* * *
The title which Mr. JOHN HASSALL wrote under one of his sketches
suggested the words for a song which has now been written. It is
only fair to the artist to say that he was not aware that his quite
innocent title would lead to this.
* * *
The National Service staff at St. Ermin's Hotel, Westminster, has been
reduced by half. It is now expected that the unemployed half will
volunteer for National Service.
* * *
Berlin announces that all through-lines in Germany are running. The
case of the HINDENBURG Line seems to be infectious.
* * *
"No cheese," says _The Evening News_, "has quite the bite of Cheddar."
At the same time, unless it wags its tail to show that it is friendly,
we feel that every cheese with a bite like that would be much safer if
muzzled.
* * *
Triplets were born in Manchester last week. The father is going on as
well as can be expected.
* * *
Complaint has been made by a member of the Hounslow Burial Committee
of courting couples occupying seats in the cemetery. The killjoy!
* * *
We can only suppose it was the hot weather that tempted a newsagent
correspondent to ask whether Lord NORTHCLIFFE had gone to America on
"sail or return."
* * *
Mr. BALFOUR, we are told, while staying at Washington, visited eleven
public buildings and interviewed nine representative Americans on one
day. There is some talk of his being elected an honorary American.
* * *
We wish to deny the foolish rumour that when he arrived in London
from his American tour and was asked if he had had a good voyage,
he remarked, "Sure thing, sonny. All the little Mister Congressmen
gathered around, and it suited your Uncle Dudley very nicely and some
more. Yep!"
* * *
An old lady was recently fined two pounds for putting out crumbs for
birds. Had the bread-crumbs been put outside, instead of inside, the
birds, no offence, it seems, would have been committed.
* * *
Newspapers in Germany may now be sold only to subscribers for one
month or more. A similar measure for England is opposed on the ground
that it would be most inadvisable to check the practice at present in
vogue among patriotic supporters of the Coalition Government of buying
_The Morning Post_ and _The Daily News_ on alternate days.
* * *
Bobbing for eels is being pursued with much enthusiasm on the Norfolk
Broads. Two-bobbing for haddocks in Kensington is sport enough for
most of us.
* * *
Large numbers of the German prisoners taken at Messines wore new boots
and new uniforms. Other improvements included a less ragged rendering
of the well-known recitation, "Kamerad!"
* * *
Asked what bait could be used for coarse fish, the late
FOOD-CONTROLLER suggested one "made from bran, with a limited quantity
of oatmeal." The correspondent has now written to inquire whether the
fish have been officially informed of the new diet.
* * *
Four shillings a hundredweight is being paid for old omnibus tickets,
but there are still a few people who use these vehicles for pleasure,
without any motive of gain.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Visitor_. "YES, BUT WHAT'S THE POINT OF WHITEWASHING
THE TREE TRUNKS?"
_Amateur Gardener_. "I CAN'T SAY FOR CERTAIN; BUT I _THINK_ THE IDEA
IS TO KEEP THE BATS FROM KNOCKING THEIR HEADS IN THE DARK."]
* * * * *
=Suspended Animation.=
"LAUNDRY.--Girl to hang up and make herself useful."--_Liverpool
Echo_.
* * * * *
"For myself, I have very good reasons for not being in khaki. I
live on a farm near the Grand Falls of the St. John River. These
falls are second to Niagara in size and splendour, and attract
visitors from all over the country."--_Canadian Paper_.
He must have told the recruiting-officer that he was subject to
cataract.
* * * * *
=T.M.G.=
Farewell, my CONSTANTINE! A guardian navy
Facilitates your exit on the blue;
For Greece has been this long while in the gravy
And he that put her there was plainly you;
"TINO MUST GO!" was writ for all to see,
Or, briefly, "T.M.G."
Whither, dear Sir, do you propose to sally?
To Switzerland's recuperative air,
To sip condensed milk in a private chalet
Or pluck the lissom chamois from his lair,
Or on the summit of a neutral Alp
Recline your crownless scalp?
Or did you ask from him you love so dearly
A royal haven fenced from rude alarms,
Even though WILLIAM should reserve you merely
A bedroom at "The Hohenzollern Arms,"
Having for poor relations on the loose
No sort of further use?
Beware! I gather he might clasp his TINO
Only too warmly to his heaving chest,
Saying, "O how reward such merits? _We_ know!
Thou shalt command an Army in the West!
Yes, thou shalt bear upon the British Front
The pick of all the brunt."
Frankly, if I were you, I wouldn't chance it.
Fighting has never really been your forte;
Witness Larissa, and your rapid transit,
Chivied by slow foot-sloggers of the Porte;
Far better make for Denmark o'er the foam;
There is no place like home.
Try some ancestral palace, well-appointed;
For choice the one where _Hamlet_ nursed his spite,
Who found the times had grown a bit disjointed
And he was not the man to put 'em right;
And there consult on that enchanted shore
The ghosts of Elsinore.
O.S.
* * * * *
=LESSONS OF THE WAR.=
I.
(_Acting upon instructions received from the 3rd Self-help Division
the 9th Self-help Brigade issues its orders for a Raid._)
9TH SELF-HELP BRIGADE OPERATION ORDER No. 49.
_August 1st, 1920_.
Ref. Maps. LONDON 1/40000 shoot 27^d S.W. and (Special) 1/500
(BROADMEAD).
1. The 9th Self-help Brigade will carry out a Raid upon BROADMEAD
HOUSE, BROADMEAD SQUARE, W., on the night of 12/13 August.
2. The Raid will be carried out by the BILL SIKES and ROBIN HOOD
Battalions. The CHARLIE PEACE Bn. will be in close support, and the
DICK TURPIN Bn. in reserve.
3. The four sides of the house will be attacked simultaneously, the
BILL SIKES Bn. attacking with one Coy. each on the North and West, and
the ROBIN HOOD on the South and East.
4. The noise of entry will be covered by a barrage of street cries and
taxi whistles. "Q." will arrange.
5. Zero hour will be notified later.
6. The grounds and approaches will be reconnoitred thoroughly and as
many friends as possible made in the neighbourhood. Every opportunity
of reconnoitring the house itself, either through friendship or by
substitution for legitimate plumbers, window-cleaners, piano-tuners,
etc., will be taken.
7. The Brigades on the Right and Left will co-operate by starting a
street fight and a small fire respectively at some convenient distance
from the scene of operations.
8. At Zero _minus_ one hour, a cordon of outposts will be established
at a radius of 500 yards from the house, with strong points at the
street corners. "Q." will arrange for a supply of hedging-gloves.
9. The general scheme of approach will be on the lines as laid down in
the "Self-help Corps Standard Formation of Attack" (OK 340/CV/429).
10. Commanding Officers will submit a detailed scheme for the attack
(with sketch maps) not later than 4 P.M. on August 6th.
11. Mopping-up parties will be detailed to deal with all dug-outs
known to be occupied. Prisoners will not be taken, but undue roughness
is to be discouraged as likely to bring discredit upon the service.
Steps will be taken, however, to ensure the immediate, if temporary,
silence of the obstreperous. O.C. Chloroform will arrange.
12. The Dog emplacement at G 36 A 0.8 will be dealt with by the
Brigade Dog-fancier.
13. Brigade Cooks will be detailed in specified areas to act as decoys
for Policemen.
14. All information as to the plans, intentions, appearance, habits
and dispositions of inhabitants will be found in Appendix I. Some
good interior photographs of the house have been obtained by Corps
photographers acting as window-cleaners.
15. As foreshadowed in the Self-help Corps Intelligence Summary of
June 29th most of the family will be away at the seaside by the date
fixed for the Raid.
16. A teetotal Guard will be placed over all cellars.
17. Advanced Report Centre will be at G 25 D 93 ("The Peck and
Jackdaw").
18. A site for a forward dump will be chosen--preferably on the
BAYSWATER-BROADMEAD Road. "Q" will arrange.
19. Practice Raids will be carried out upon a model of the objective
which will be erected at the depot.
20. Parties detailed for Glass-cutting, Safe-opening, etc., etc., will
draw the necessary tools from the Main Dump at K 25 A on the 12th
inst. "Q" will arrange.
21. Dress: Fighting Order with Rubber Soles.
22. A non-committal hot meal (without onions) will be served to all
before starting. "Q" will arrange.
23. Results of the Raid will be collected and dumped at Advanced
Brigade dump at G 36 A. "Q" will arrange for necessary transport.
Distribution of proceeds will be made in accordance with G.R.O. 15.
"_G_" _Staff will arrange_.
24. Please acknowledge. _Issued at 5.15 P.M._
Copies to
Diary I.
Diary II., etc., etc.
* * * * *
"Detroit aldermen yesterday adopted a resolution asking for the
freedom of Ireland from British rule.
It is addressed to the president and was introduced by Alderman
Walsh.
Other Irish patriots eager for the freedom of Erin who did sign
the resolution were Jacob Guthard, William H.C. Hinkle, Joseph H.
Bahorski, Joseph A. Miotke, Anthony Nowe, Herman Zink, Charles
Braun, Charles A. Kocher, Oscar A. Dodt, John C. Bleil, Ralph G.
Mitter, Alexander Dill, John A. Kronk, Herman Schultz, Albert G.
Kunz, Frederick W. Wendell and Oscar Riopelle."
_Detroit Free Press_.
Your true Irish patriot doesn't mind what country he comes from.
* * * * *
[Illustration: HOIST WITH HIS OWN PETARD.
MR. RAMSAY MACDONALD (_Champion of Independent Labour_). "OF COURSE
I'M ALL FOR PEACEFUL PICKETING--ON PRINCIPLE. BUT IT MUST BE APPLIED
TO THE PROPER PARTIES."]
* * * * *
=BLANCHE'S LETTERS.=
WAR FEVER.
_Park Lane_.
[Illustration: THE LAST STRAW.]
Dearest DAPHNE,--Juno ffarrington's wedding to the Oldcastles' boy,
Portcullis, the other day, quite the best done of Allotment Weddings
that are having a little vogue just now. Juno's white satin gown was
embroidered with mustard and cress and spring onions in their natural
colours, her veil was kept in place by a coronal of lettuce leaves,
and, instead of a Prayer-Book or a posy, she carried a little
ivory-and-silver spade. The effect was _absolutely!_ The 'maids had on
Olga's latest in Allotment Wedding frocks, carried out in potato-brown
charmeuse and cabbage-green chiffon; also they'd garden-hats, tied
under the chin with ribbon-grass and with a big cluster of radishes at
the left side, and each of them carried a bunch of small salad and a
darling little crystal-and-silver watering-pot (Portcullis's gifts).
The Duke of Southlands gave his daughter away, and Juno _insisted_ on
his wearing a smock-frock and carrying a trowel, and just as the dear
Bishop said, "Who giveth this woman?" the poor old darling dropped his
trowel with a crash and rather spoilt things.
The wedding-cake was a great big war loaf stuck with flags. Juno cut
it in old-fashioned style with Portcullis's sword. While we were doing
ourselves well with war-bread and margarine, boiled eggs and plenty of
champagne, the Controller of Wedding Breakfasts blew in (it's a new
post, and he's two hundred and fifty able-bodied young assistants).
He was curious to see what we were having, and cautioned us against
throwing any rice after our bride and 'groom. "But how absurd, you
ricky person!" chipped in Popsy, Lady Ramsgate, who, of course, is
Juno's great-aunt. "_We_ never throw rice at our wedding-people!
_That_'s only done by the outlying tribes of barbarians." It was a
pity she attracted his notice, for he was down on her directly for
having on a toque almost entirely made of young turnips and carrots.
He said it was "an infraction of rule 150, cap. 4,500 of the Safety of
the Empire Act, forbidding the use of the people's food for personal
adornment."
The Allotment expression, which is the correct one now, is a look of
interest and expectation, because what one's planted is coming up.
_Some_ people rather spoil their Allotment expression by a _puzzled_
look. _Et pourquoi_? dear, they've _quite_ forgotten what they
planted, and, though they _pretend_ they know _exactly_ what it is
that's coming up, they really haven't the slightest!
My last photo is considered to show the Allotment expression in utter
perfection. (It's been in _People of Position, Mayfair Murmurs_, and
several other weeklies.) I'm standing in my potato-patch (my Allotment
toilette is finished off by a pair of _enthralling_ little hob-nailed
boots!) and I'm holding a rake and a hoe and a digging-fork in one
hand and a garden-hose in the other; there's a wheel-barrow beside me,
and I'm looking at the potato-plants with the _true_ Allotment smile,
my dearest. I sent a copy of this picky to Norty, and under it I wrote
those famous last words of some celebrated Frenchman (I forget whether
it was MOLIERE or MIRABEAU or NAPOLEON): "_Je vais chercher un grand
peut-etre!_"
Wee-Wee is frightfully worried about Bo-Bo being so overworked. He
used to be at the head of the Department for Telling People What to
Do, and he and his five hundred assistants were worked half dead;
and _now_ he's at the head of a still newer department, the one for
Telling People What They're _Not_ to Do, and, though he's eight
hundred clerks to help him, Wee-Wee says the strain is too great for
words. He goes to Whitehall at ten every day and comes back at three!
And then he has the Long-Ago treatment that's being used so much now
for war-frayed nerves. The idea is to get people as far away from the
present as poss. So when Bo-Bo comes in from Whitehall he lies down on
a fearful old worm-eaten oak settle in a dim room hung with moth-eaten
tapestry, and Wee-Wee reads CHAUCER to him, and sings ghastly little
folk-songs, accompanying herself on a thing called a _crwth_--(it's a
tremendously primitive sort of harp, but I can't believe that even a
_crwth_ meant to make such a horrible noise as Wee-Wee makes on it!).
Myself, I don't consider Bo-Bo a bit the better for the Long-Ago
treatment, and there's certainly a wild look in his eyes that wasn't
there before!
_M'amie_, would you like to hear the simply _odious_ storyette of
Somebody's Cousin? Well, so you shall. Somebody is by way of being an
intimate foe of mine, and Somebody's Cousin has long been a thorn in
the flesh and a shaking of the head to his people. Before the War
he belonged to the League for Taking Everything Lying Down, the
Fellowship for Preventing People from Standing up against Foreign
Aggression, and the Brotherhood for Giving up All Our Advantages to
Aliens. He was of military age, and when war came, after giving vent
to some completely detestable sentiments, he crossed to the U.S. and
naturalised himself there, constantly attacking the country that was
unlucky enough to produce him.
[Illustration: _Recruit_. "EXCUSE ME, SIR, I FEEL GREATLY EXHAUSTED BY
THIS EXERCISE."
_Instructor_. "DO YOU, DEARIE? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY AT?
KISS-IN-THE-RING?"]
When the U.S. came in, he shed his citizenship in a hurry, fled to
South America, and naturalised himself in a republic that had sworn
by all its gods to keep out of the War _a tout prix_. This republic,
however, changed its mind later and followed its big northern brother
into the War, _et voila_! Somebody's Cousin was at a loose end again.
He afterwards naturalised himself in half-a-dozen small far-away
nations that all finally came in, and _then, cherie_, he drifted down
to the islands of the South Pacific (the favourite ocean of _his_
sort!) and had himself made an Ollyoola. (The Ollyoolas are a tribe
that has _never in all its past history_ been known to go to war). He
was made an Ollyoola with all the native rites, dancing and shrieking
and so on, and he wore the correct Ollyoola dress (a few shells and
his hair trained on sticks to stand straight up).
And _now_ comes the point of this storyette: Only a few weeks after
Somebody's Cousin had become a full-blooded Ollyoola (I think
that's the proper phrase), the Ollyoolas suddenly fell out with the
Patti-Tattis (on the next island) and went to war, for _absolutely the
first time_, with a _ferocity_, my Daphne, that seems to have been
saving up through all their centuries of peacefulness!
Nothing's been heard since of Somebody's Cousin!
Ever thine,
BLANCHE.
* * * * *
"AIRMEN'S ORDEAL IN THE NORTH SEA.
FIVE DAYS ON A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE."
_Continental Daily Mail_.
Rather a precarious perch.
* * * * *
"'GIB.' SHELLS FALL IN MOROCCO.
MADRID.--Near Algeciras 20 shells fell from the batteries of
Gibraltar. There were no victims, and no damage was caused.
The authorities at Gibraltar have given satisfactory
explanations."--_Evening Paper_.
Still, we should like to know the nature of the explosive that blew
Algeciras across the Straits.
* * * * *
KINSMEN AND NAMESAKES.
An official circular, commenting on the presentation at the Scala, in
film form, of _The Crisis_, by Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL, the American
novelist, adds the interesting statement, "the author is of course a
distant cousin of the Right Hon. Winston Churchill, M.P."; This sounds
a little ungracious. Why "of course _distant_?" But perhaps the gifted
novelist shares the opinion held by Lord BERESFORD of the politician
who did not write _The Crisis_, but is always trying to make one.
* * * * *
From the account of a military wedding in _The West London Press_:--
"The bridegroom was wearing a simple draped gown of lavender-blue
crepe georgette, with a mushroom-shaped hat in the same shade,
wreathed with small coloured flowers and draped with a blue lace
veil."
Some mufti!
* * * * *
"When the Lord Provost ruled that the mater was not urgent, the
Labourists created something of a scene."--_Glasgow Citizen_.
Quite justifiably, in view of the imminence of "Baby Week."
* * * * *
=THE DISSUADERS.=
For many years--ever since the first piece of chalk was applied to
the first wall and advertising began its bombastic career--the
advertiser's tendency has been to commend his wares, if not to excess,
at any rate with no want of generosity. Everyone must have noticed it.
But war changes many things besides Cabinets, and if the paper
famine is to continue there will shortly be a totally novel kind of
advertising to be seen, where dissuasion holds the highest place. For
unless something happens those journals which have already done
much to reduce circulation will have to do more and actually decry
themselves. Such counsels as those which follow may before long meet
the eyes, and, it is possible, influence the minds, of the great
B.P.:--
* * *
THE PROPRIETORS OF
_THE TIMES_
Urge you to spend your money
elsewhere.
_THE TIMES_
may have the best foreign correspondence,
the latest news, the greatest
variety of letters (in types of all sizes),
the funniest dramatic criticisms, the
sternest leading articles, and the only
newspaper proprietor now acting as a
plenipotentiary in America;
BUT
you are implored not to buy it.
Remember its virtues for future use,
when skies are brighter, but disregard
them to-day.
* * *
We appeal to the great-hearted Public
to make a real effort and refrain from
buying
_THE OBSERVER._
Sunday may be only half a Sunday
without it;
But indulge in a little self-sacrifice.
Not only eat less bread
But
Read less GARVIN.
* * *
DOWN SPECTATORS!
Give
_THE SPECTATOR_
A WIDE BERTH.
There are reasons why it must be published
regularly
But there are no reasons why you
should buy it.
There is no better, saner, or soberer
Critic of Life; but what of it?
We print all the latest Canine and
Feline news; but never mind.
If you won't, as seems probable, down
your glass, down your _Spectator_.
* * *
HELP TO WIN THE WAR
BY NOT BUYING
_THE DAILY CHRONICLE_.
* * *
Whatever Sixpenny weekly you buy
don't let it be
_THE NATION_.
Owing to its persecution by the present
incapable Government _The Nation_ is
achieving an embarrassing popularity.
Please forget it.
Let your only
NATION
Be your determi-
Nation
NOT TO BUY IT.
* * *
THE PROPRIETORS OF
_THE STAR_
urge you not to buy it any more until
the War is over and paper is cheap again.
Buy _The Evening News_ instead.
* * *
DON'T BUY
_THE SPHERE_.
IT IS ONLY SEVENPENCE A WEEK,
BUT DON'T BUY IT.
It is full of Pictures of the War, but
you can do without them. It has
punctual literary judgments of astounding
finality by "C.K.S.," but they
can wait.
Do anything in reason, but don't buy
_The Sphere_.
The depreciation, you observe, is not always quite whole-heartedly
done. But it must be remembered that the habit of self-praise cannot
be broken down in a minute, and this is only a beginning.
* * * * *
PAN PIPES.
In the green spaces of the listening trees
Pan sits at ease,
Watching with lazy eyes
Little blue butterflies
That flicker sidelong in the fitful breeze;
While on his pipe he plays
Quaint trills, and roundelays
With dropping cadences;
And shy red squirrels rub against his knees.
And, thro' the city's tumult and the beat
Of hurrying feet,
Those whom the god loves hear
Pan's pipe, insistent, clear;
Echoes of elfin laughter, high and sweet;
Catch in the sparrows' cries
Those tinkling melodies
That sing where brooklets meet,
And the wood's glamour colours the grey street.
=A LOCAL FOOD-CONTROLLER.=
"No partner for you this evening, Sir," said the Inspector. "Mr.
Tibbits has just telephoned through that he has rheumatism badly
again."
I know Tibbits' rheumatism. I also know he plays off his heat in the
club billiard handicap to-night. I can imagine him writhing round
the table. Still I remember the first rule of the force--under no
circumstances give another policeman away.
"You'll have to take Dartmouth Street by yourself, Sir," continues the
Inspector.
"What's it like?"
"Bit of a street market. All right--just tact and keep them moving."
I reach Dartmouth Street. It is a thronged smelly thoroughfare. I pass
along modestly, hoping that every one will ignore me.