Various - Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 10th, 1920
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 10th, 1920
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 158.
March 10th, 1920.
CHARIVARIA.
There are one hundred thousand more people living in London than in New
York. But they are only just living.
* * *
"The Home Rule Bill," says _The Irish Unionist Alliance_, "would, if put
into operation, cause friction in Ireland." We are sorry to hear this, for
friction is the last thing we want to see in Ireland.
* * *
M. GRABSKI, who has just asked for the loan of three thousand million
francs, is the Polish Minister of Finance. Yet people say there is nothing
in a name.
* * *
A Welsh Prohibition Bill is suggested. We think it should be pointed out
that the Welsh language is natural and not due to over-indulgence.
* * *
DEMPSEY, the American Boxer, is to be charged with "draft-dodging." The
other charge of COCHRAN-dodging will not be proceeded with.
* * *
Gold in the mouth, says the American Academy of Dental Science, is out of
date. Much the same applies to gold in the pocket.
* * *
We understand that an American syndicate has been formed for the purpose of
acquiring the sole rights in a suit of clothes by a London tailor.
* * *
American whisky is said to create in consumers a desire to climb trees.
British whisky, on the other hand, seems to create in the Americans a
desire to cross the Atlantic.
* * *
With reference to the road-mender who fell down last week and injured
himself an explanation has now been given. It appears that the colleague
next to him must have moved.
* * *
No fewer than twenty-seven poems on Spring have been received by one weekly
paper editor. Yet there are people who still maintain that the crime wave
is on the wane.
* * *
"The Irish swear by two staple beverages," says _The Daily Mail_. We feel,
however, that an Irishman who was really trying could swear by more than
this.
* * *
We understand that the Foreign Office takes a serious view of the large
number of public-houses which have been burgled during the last few weeks.
It is feared that it may be the work of a foreign spy who is endeavouring
to secure the recipe of British Government ale.
* * *
"A large number of army tanks have been sent to Africa," announces an
article in a daily paper. However, as the brontosaurus is supposed to
devour four of these delicacies at every meal, it is feared that unless a
great many more are sent out immediately this dainty animal may be faced
with extermination.
* * *
A morning paper announces that all airships of "R 34" type are now
obsolete. We have decided to stick a pin in each of ours.
* * *
From Ireland comes the pleasing news that the wife of a well-known Sinn
Feiner has just presented her husband with a little bomberette.
* * *
Since the publication of Professor KEITH'S statistics of efficiency,
showing the superiority of the physical condition of miners over that of
almost every other class of worker, the argument, so popular with the
advocates of nationalisation, that a miner's occupation is a most unhealthy
one, has been given a rest.
* * *
"I doubt if even the youngest child to-day will live to see the real fruits
of the War," said the Bishop of Lincoln last week. Another unmerited slight
on the O.B.E.
* * *
"Visitors to the Zoo," says _The Daily Mail_, "should not miss the rare
spectacle of the highest five animals under one roof--the gorilla, the
chimpanzee, the orang-outang, the gibbon and man." Naturally everybody is
asking, "Who is the lucky man?"
* * *
A merciless campaign against rats is to be waged by the inhabitants of a
large Yorkshire town. This is supposed to be the outcome of the continued
indifference with which these rodents have treated the many propaganda
campaigns which the town has organised.
* * *
Liverpool City Council is to consider the appointment of women park-
keepers. In support it is urged that when it comes to persuading a paper
bag to go along quietly the superior tact of a woman is bound to tell.
* * *
Arrangements for the continuation of the Food Ministry, it is stated, are
still incomplete. It would be a thousand pities if a mere abundance of food
should lead to the disappearance of this valuable department.
* * *
"Will the gentlemen on the Allied Surrender List," says the _Berlin
Official Gazette_, "inform the German authorities of their address?" This
is a typical piece of Teutonic duplicity. There are, of course, no
gentlemen on the List.
* * *
The chiffchaff has been heard in Hampshire and a couple of road-peckers
were observed last week hovering in the neighbourhood of Wellington Street.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Holiday-maker_ (_in difficulties._) "OH, DASH IT! THERE
GOES THAT LETTER MY WIFE GAVE ME TO POST A WEEK AGO."]
* * * * *
ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
"Principal ---- said there was a historical connection between the
Royal Asylum for the Insane and the University of Edinburgh."--_Scots
Paper._
* * * * *
"The British rule in India is as savage as that of the Turk in
Armenia."--_Washington Times._
Not the "_George_ Washington Times," you'll note.
* * * * *
MEN AND THINGS OF THE MOMENT.
[Mr. Punch cannot hold himself responsible for the views expressed in
the following correspondence.]
THE MALLABY-DEELEY EMPORIUM.
DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I want you to use your influence with that great
philanthropist, Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY. I know that he is too modest to claim
to be a benefactor of the race, but I am at least right in calling him
"Mr.," for that is how he describes himself on his shop-window, and he
would never have done that if he had not desired to avoid confusion with
the common tradesman. Well, I want you to enlist his powerful sympathy in
the cause of the struggling middle classes, to which body I belong. I refer
particularly to our crying need for dinner-jackets at reasonable prices. I
am one of those who spend their holidays at seaside hotels, where people
make a point of dressing for dinner in the hope of giving their fellow-
guests the impression that this is their daily habit in the home circle. In
view of the early advent of Spring I approached my tailor, the other day,
with inquiries as to the cost of an abbreviated dinner-suit. His prices
were as follows:--jacket L10 10s. 0d.; waistcoat L3 3s. 0d.; trousers L4
10s. 0d.; total L18 3s. 0d. I am old enough to recall the time when the
most _elite_ tailors of Savile Row charged no more than L10 10s. 0d. for a
complete evening costume, uncurtailed.
I am all for the cheap supply of "gentlemen's lounge-suits" for the
so-called working-classes to lounge in. I know of no surer antidote to the
spirit of Bolshevism. But let us not forget the claims of the middle
classes, who are the backbone of the Empire. If Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY cannot
help us in the direction I have indicated, then let Mr. KENNEDY JONES, on
behalf of the Middle Class Union, put a hyphen to his name and open a shop
for the sale of evening wear at demi-popular prices.
Yours faithfully,
SURBITONIAN.
* * * * *
DEAR MR. PUNCH,--It would be a thousand pities if Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY'S
beneficent scheme should fail for lack of advertisement. Could you not
persuade your colleagues of the Press to publish from day to day the route
of his car's progress from his private residence (or the terminus from
which he debouches) to his place of business, as in the case of the new
Member for Paisley? My only fear is that the Coalition Government might be
suspected of adopting the Wee Free methods of publicity for political ends;
but this would surely be an unworthy suspicion in the case of a movement
designed for the benefit not of a party, but of mankind.
Yours faithfully,
STAGE MANAGER.
* * * * *
THE DECLINE OF LEARNING.
DEAR SIR,--I look for your sympathy when I say that I regard the abolition
of compulsory Greek at Oxford as tantamount to the collapse of the last
bulwark of British Culture. It is idle for the advocates of this act of
vandalism to protest that the spirit of Ancient Hellas can be adequately
conveyed in the form of translations, and to illustrate this futile
argument by reference to the authorised version of the Hebrew Scriptures.
Admirable as that version may be, is it for a moment to be supposed that it
can take the place of the original as a source of spiritual education? or
that our appreciation of Holy Writ would not be a hundred-fold increased if
it were fortified by a knowledge of the first principles of Hebraic syntax
and by an elementary acquaintance with Hebraic composition. It is
impossible to estimate the influence of such knowledge in tending to endear
the Bible to our youth. To me indeed it has always been incomprehensible
that our Prelates, who presumably have the welfare of the Church at heart,
have never insisted on making Hebrew a compulsory subject for Responsions.
And now Greek has gone and Oxford is the home of one more lost cause. The
gods (of the gallery) may be with the winners, but it is the losing side
that still appeals to
Yours incorruptibly,
CATO.
* * * * *
"_THE TIMES'_ FLIGHT."
DEAR MR. PUNCH,--His many friends (among whom I take leave to count myself)
will heartily sympathise with Dr. CHALMERS MITCHELL on the engine troubles
he has passed through, culminating in the enforced curtailment of his
scientific expedition. It is gratifying to think that the pure and lofty
spirit of research which animated the great newspaper-proprietor who sent
him forth on this mission has been vindicated by the Doctor's discovery of
an unmapped volcano. Regrettably the conditions under which he observed it
precluded him from making an expert survey of it, and even from securing
specimens of its geological structure. The possibility of such an
unfortunate contingency, which may have escaped the consideration of the
promoter of the expedition, was recognised by other scientists. But it was
confidently expected by his Zoological _confreres_ that his voyage of
exploration would add largely to our knowledge of the habits and customs of
the fauna of Africa, and notably of the giraffe, as coming, by the
exceptional development of its neck, within closest range of his vision as
he flew through the vast inane.
Even better opportunities for the observation of animal life would, it was
thought, occur during the occasional intervals spent on _terra firma_ for
purposes of repose or repair. And indeed one is greatly intrigued by the
following terse and airmanlike entry in the log for February 20th: "Much
disturbed by lions." Nothing is said of the actual capture of one of these
interesting denizens of the jungle, but reference to such a feat might well
have been omitted out of regard for brevity. Is it too much to hope that
the enterprise of _The Times_ may yet be rewarded by the addition of a live
lion to the Zoological Gardens?
In any case, by the exceptional opportunities he enjoyed for a careful
study of leaking cylinder jackets, insulating tape, red-leaded joints and
missing engines the intrepid Doctor must have added largely to his
knowledge of mechanical science, to say nothing of the botanical
discoveries he made when his machine came within a few inches of contact
with a banana-tree.
I, for one, look forward eagerly to his return, when he will be able to
narrate his experience with a fulness and freedom of language impossible in
cabled despatches.
Yours faithfully,
STANLEY LIVINGSTONE JONES.
* * * * *
A "MALADE IMAGINAIRE"?
"Bath-chair wanted, small lady good condition."--_Ladies' Paper._
* * * * *
A CHOICE OF SINECURES.
"LADY-NURSE-HELP; three girls (12, 10, eight); two maids kept; month's
holiday (fortnightly); salary L40."--_Daily Paper._
"WANTED, a Housemaid, wages 27s. 6d., no duties."--_New Zealand Paper._
* * * * *
"Lady would like to Join jolly Family for Dinner every night."--_Advt.
in Daily Paper._
Yes, but how long would they remain jolly?
* * * * *
"Windsor Castle Niggers, from His Majesty's Chapel Royal, gave an
excellent programme."--_Local Paper._
The programme merely announced them as "Windsor Castle Singers," but this
no doubt was to give the audience a greater surprise.
* * * * *
"The revival of the Hunt Ball, and the intelligence that the Race Ball
is also to be re-introduced next month, has restored the ---- dance
season to its pre-war brilliance. The Hunt event passed off with
_eclair_."--_Local Paper._
Supper seems to have been all right, anyhow.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A CONVERTED SPIRIT.
GENIUS OF ALCOHOL. "AND TO THINK THAT I WAS ONCE REGARDED AS AN IMPEDIMENT
TO LOCOMOTION!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mayfair Copper._ "NOW THEN, GET A MOVE ON, TARZAN. THIS
AIN'T A MONKEY NEIGHBOURHOOD."]
* * * * *
WON ON THE POSTS.
(_With the British Army in France._)
The decisive victory of the Racing Club de Petiteville--late the _deuxieme
equipage_ of the Sportif Club de Petiteville--over the _troisieme equipage_
of the Societe Athletique de Pont Neuf would not appear to have any bearing
on the washing of Percival's collars and pyjamas; but, according to Elfred
Fry, there was a poignant connection between the two.
When the Sportif Club received the challenge they doubted whether to accept
it, as the Societe Athletique was rumoured to include several veterans
approaching fifteen years of age and of tremendous physique. On being
conceded the choice of ground, however, they took up the gage and trained
and practised with such vigour that two days before the date of the match
Georges Darre, right back, punted his toe through a previously suspected
weak spot in the ball and irreparably ruined it. The Societe Athletique was
informed of the disaster and asked to supply a ball, but they answered that
no known authority or precedent existed for visiting teams providing the
accessories. There was also an insinuation that the story of the burst ball
was a fabrication, designed to give the Sportif Club a loophole of escape
from a contest that spelt certain defeat.
Stung to the quick, the _deuxieme equipage_ made an urgent appeal to the
_premier equipage_ of the Sportif Club, who replied that this was the first
intimation they had had of the existence of a _deuxieme equipage_, and
recommended a tourney at marbles or a combat of peg-tops as being more
suitable to their tender years.
Naturally this insult could not be brooked, and it was decided to break
away from the parent body and reorganise under the title of the Racing Club
de Petiteville; but this did not help them to solve the question of a new
ball. Then it was that Theo Navet, left half, and son of the
_blanchisseuse_ in the rue Napoleon, had an inspiration, and Percival's
pyjamas became linked up with the destinies of the club.
* * * * *
"It wouldn't surprise me, Sir," said Elfred on the evening when Petiteville
was ringing with the news of the Racing Club's victory by 4 _buts_ to 2,
"if you are the only officer in Mess to-night with a reelly clean collar."
"And why am I singled out for so much honour?" asked Percival, taking the
slacks which Elfred produced from between the mattresses. "Has the
Washer-women's Union handed in notices and made a complimentary exception
in my case?"
"Well, Sir, you _'ave_ been favoured, but it weren't a strike," explained
Elfred. "You know, Sir, there's been an alarming short ration of coal an'
fuel down in the village for a long time, an' two days ago Madame Navet,
who does the orficers' washing, came up an' said she was bokoo fashay but
the washing was napood for the week, becos she couldn't buy, beg, borrer
nor steal enough fuel to keep her copper biling.... Do we wear the yaller
boots to-night, Sir, or the _very_ yaller ones?"
"The light pair," said Percival, "to give tone to the clean collar. But go
on."
"Well, I put it to Madame as my orficer was a very partickler gent, an'
she'd gotter do our washing even if she 'ad to light 'er fire with the
family dresser. She said she was desolated; she 'adn't sufficient coal to
take the chill off a mouchoir. I thought of trying to borrer a sack for 'er
from the quarter bloke, but our relations 'ave never been the same since
the time I took my weekly ration of 'Pink Princesses' back an' arsked 'im
to change 'em for cigarettes with a bit o' tobacco in.
"After she'd gone I took a kit inventory 'an found we was down to our last
clean collar, an' we looked like bein' a bit grubby in the matter of
pyjamas. I went a walk to the canteen to think it over, an' on my way
Madame's lad came up an' said 'is team 'ad an important match for two days
later an' could I possibly oblige 'em with a football. Being a sportsman--I
take a franc chance in the camp football sweep every week--I said I'd try
what I could do, knowin' of a ball which me an' the other batmen punt about
in our rare hintervals of leisure. But then the thought of that washing
that wasn't washed came into my mind.
"'See 'ere, Meredith,' I says. 'Je voo donneray a ball si votre mere does
our washing toot sweet.'"
"'E looked blue at this an' said they couldn't get fuel nohow.
"'Compree scrounge?' says I.
"It seems 'e did. It seems scrounging for fuel 'ad reached such a pitch in
the village that people took their backyard fences in at night, 'an they
'ad posted a policeman on the station to prevent 'em sawing away the
waiting-room. But our washing 'ad to be done, 'an I thought if I got the
whole of this football team scrounging they might find something as
everyone else 'ad overlooked. So I pretended to be indifferink.
"'Very well,' says I. 'San fairy ann. Napoo washing--napoo ball.'
"That set 'em to work. Next day little boys were scraping the village over
like fowls in a farmyard, getting a chip 'ere an' a shaving there, an'
making themselves such a nuisance that there was talk of calling the
gendarmerie out. They would 'ave done, too, only he'd laid down for a nap
an' left strict orders 'e wasn't to be disturbed. Then they slipped into
the Camp, trying to lay nefarious 'ands on empty ration boxes, but the Camp
police spotted 'em an' chivied them off. I never seen our police so
exhausted as they were at the end of that day.
"'I can't think what's taken the little varmints,' said the Provost-
Sergeant. 'It ain't the Fifth of November.'
"On the whole it wasn't a good day's 'unting, but this morning I was waited
on by a deputation wearing striped jerseys, which they appeared to 'ave put
on at early dawn. They said the fire was lit under the copper, 'an could
they 'ave the ball?
"'Doucemong!' says I. 'Allay along, an' let's see the fire first.'
"Yes, it were lit, but only just. The water was lukewarm an' the fuel 'ad
nearly all burned away, an' Madame was standing looking at it hopelessly.
"'Pas bong,' says I to the lads. 'Pas assay chaud. Voo scroungerez
ongcore.'
"They was frantic, becos it was nearly match time. I felt inclined to give
'em the ball, but the thought of you, Sir, in a dirty collar--"
"You may keep the pair of old riding-breeches you borrowed without
permission," interrupted Percy.
"Thank you, Sir. Then all at once the lads 'ad a confab an' went away, an'
in a few minutes they was back with some lovely straight planed props of
timber, an' they chopped 'em up in a jiffy 'an got the fire roaring 'ot,
an' I gave 'em the ball, an' your collars is done an' the rest of your
things is out drying an' will be finished to-morrow."
"Of course I'm grateful," said Percival. "You might tell your young friends
I'm willing to be a vice-president of their club--on the usual terms.
What's the name of it?"
"They tell me it's called 'The Racing Club,'" said Elfred. "But I think,
Sir, you'd better give your subscription to the other club in the
village--'The Sportif Club.' You see, Sir, they 'ad a match on to-day as
well, an' when they arrived on the ground they found someone 'ad been and
scrounged their goal-posts!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: "I SAY, EXCUSE ME, DEAR OLD TOP, BUT YOU MUSTN'T WEAR THAT
GUNNER TIE NOW YOU'RE DEMOBBED. IT SIMPLY ISN'T DONE!"]
* * * * *
THE ANNIVERSARY.
Having unexpectedly retained possession of my seat in the Tube the other
evening I over-read myself and ran past my station, so it was rather late
when I reached home.
"Hullo!" I called out cheerily.
"Hullo!" echoed Margaret in a flat sort of voice; "you back?"
I refrained from facetiousness and told her that I was.
"Oh!" she said.
"Well, well, Margaret," I said in a bright and bustling manner, "we haven't
got on very well so far, have we? Can't you think of some subject on which
we can conduct a conversation in words of more than one syllable? The
skilful hostess should so frame her questions that not even the shyest
visitor can fall back on a simple Yes or No. Now," I continued, spreading
myself luxuriously over the chesterfield, "you know how shy I am. Try to
draw me out, dear. I'm waiting."
I lit a cigarette. Margaret looked reproachfully at me.
"What was yesterday?" she said.
"Tuesday, my dear. We will now have a little chat about Tuesday. Coming as
it does so soon after Monday, it not unnaturally exhibits--"
"Tuesday the 25th of February," said Margaret solemnly.
"Possibly, my dear, possibly. But I cannot say that I find your remarks
very interesting. They may be true, or they may not, but they certainly
seem to me to lack that agreeable whimsicality usually so characteristic of
you."
"Our wedding-day," said Margaret impressively.
"Was it really?" I said in a whisper. "And you let it pass without
reminding me. Oh, how could you?"
Margaret smiled.
"I didn't think of it till this morning--after you had gone," she said.
We both smiled. Then we laughed.
"You know, we really are a dreadful couple." I said. "Your fault is greater
than mine, though. I'll tell you why. Everyone knows that a man--especially
a manly man--" I tugged my moustache and let my biceps out for a run--
"never remembers anniversaries, whereas a woman--a womanly woman--does."
Here I plucked a daffodil from a bowl near by and tucked it coyly behind
her ear.
"It really is rather awful of us." Margaret restored the daffodil to its
young companions. "We've only been married three years, too, and yet
already--" She threw out her arms in a hopeless gesture.
"Still," I said presently, with my hand full of her hand--"still I daresay
we shall get used to it in time--forgetting the day, I mean. After about
the fourth lapse there will be hardly any sting in our little piece of
annual forgetfulness."
"We mustn't forget to remember we've forgotten it, though, Gerald, so that
we can test the waning powers of the sting."
"I can see this habit growing on us," I said dreamily; "a few more years
and we shall forget we are married even. I shall come home one day--
provided I remember where we live--and be horrified to find _you_
established in my house and using my sealing-wax. Or maybe I shall arrive
with some little offering of early rhubarb or forced artichokes only to be
sternly ordered away by a wife who does not recognise me. 'Please take your
greens round to the tradesmen's entrance,' you will say coldly."
"I think," said Margaret, "that we ought to be extra nice to each other
now, seeing how short our married life may be. Let's begin at once. You let
me tidy your desk every day for you and--"
"Won't twice a week satisfy you?" I asked desperately.
"Perhaps; and anyway"--she put a little packet into my hand--"here's _my_
present to you, even though you did forget yesterday."
"You are a dear, Margaret. And now I'll tell you something. It was--"
Just then James came in and announced dinner. James is all our staff; but
her other name is Keziah, so we had no choice.
As we sat down I took a small box out of my pocket.
"Give this to your mistress, please," I said to James.
"O-o-o. How ripping of you, Gerald! So you did remember, after all."
"As soon as I got to the station this morning," I said, "I remembered that
our wedding-day was to-day."
Margaret lifted her eyebrows at me. "To-day?"
"Yes. You are a little behind--or in front of--the times, I'm afraid. The
twenty-fifth was a Tuesday last year, but it's trying Wednesday for a
change now. Many Happy Returns of the Day, dear."
We both laughed.
"Now let's look at our presents," said Margaret happily.
* * * * *
DORA AT THE PLAY.
["You cannot buy a cigarette, or an ice, or a box of chocolates in a
theatre after eight o'clock--by order of D.O.R.A."--_Advt. passim._]
Attentive swain, whose lady has commanded you to be at her
Disposal as an escort on a visit to the theatre,
I give you precious doctrine that is certainly worth sticking to,
At least as long as Dora is alive on earth and kicking too.