Various - Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, August 18th, 1920
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, August 18th, 1920
"Is it fine then?"
"No, it rains."
"You surprise me. But suppose it had started by being low pressure at B?"
"Why, then of course it would have been raining the whole time at B."
"Where would A have got its rush of air from then?"
"From the place C."
"Is it fine there?"
"No, it's raining. It is like B was after the air rose at A."
"Oh. Then whatever happens at these places, A, B and C, it _must_ rain."
"More or less, yes. More really."
"Are there any more places? I mean, if I am at A where ought I to go?"
"There is a place, D--"
"What happens there?"
"Conditions are favourable for the formation of secondary depressions."
"Then where do you advise me to go?"
"I'm not advising you. You asked me to explain the weather, and I have."
"I think you have. I understand it now."
* * * * *
I hope you all do.
A.P.H.
* * * * *
"Sir,--I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this--
'A gentleman is one who never gives offence unintentionally.'
Unfortunately I do not know to whom tribute should be paid for this
very neat and apt definition."--_Letter in Daily Paper._
We rather think the printer had a hand in it.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE DIFFICULTY OF OBTAINING THE CORRECT ATMOSPHERE AT
COUNTRY WEDDINGS, OWING TO THE CHANGED CONDITIONS OF VILLAGE LIFE, HAS LED
MESSRS. HARRIDGES TO COME TO AN ARRANGEMENT WITH THE CHORUS OF THE
FRIVOLITY THEATRE TO ATTEND AND FURNISH THE REQUISITE NOTE OF PICTURESQUE
SIMPLICITY. TERMS ON APPLICATION.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Guide_ (_after ascent of a hundred-and-twenty steps_).
"THESE, SIR, ARE THE FAMOUS GARGOYLES I MENTIONED."
_Perspiring American._ "GEE! I THOUGHT YOU SAID 'GARGLES.'"]
* * * * *
THE TRANSMIGRATION OF BOWLES.
Little Mr. Bowles was very happy as long as he was only second mechanic at
the garage of Messrs. Smith Brothers, of High Street, Puddlesby. It was
when he became a member of the Puddlesby Psychical Society that his
troubles began. Up till then he had been as sober and hard-working a little
man as ever stood four foot ten in his shoes and weighed in at seven stone
four. But above all he was an expert in rubber tyres; he knew them, I had
almost said, by instinct.
The Puddlesby Psychical Society believes in the Transmigration of Souls. As
I am not a member myself I'm afraid that that is all I can tell you about
it. It is a little difficult at first sight, perhaps, to see the connection
between Transmigration and rubber tyres, but if you will have patience I
think I can promise to show you _that_ at least.
One night our Mr. Bowles came home late from a meeting of the P.P.S., fell
asleep at once and had what he regarded as a "transmigratory experience in
a retrogressive sense." The world was not the world he knew. He perceived
that it was sundown on the 8th of August, 1215, that he was no longer plain
Bowles, but rather Sir Bors the Bowless, Knight of the Artful Arm, and
known to his intimates as "The Fire-eater"; that he had just been
challenged to fight his seven hundred and forty-seventh fight, and (for the
seven hundred and forty-seventh time) he had accepted. He soon added to the
stock of his information the fact that, as the challenged party, he had the
choice of time, place and weapons.
He was naturally a little perturbed at first, for the most formidable
warrior that he ever remembered fighting was his little sister, whose hair
he had pulled when they were children, and the biggest thing he had ever
killed was undoubtedly the hen that he had run over on the Boodle Road. He
felt inclined, therefore, in the first flush of terror, to propose as the
time 1925, as the place Puddlesby Football Field, and as the weapon,
motor-tyre valve pins, at two hundred yards. He even got as far as
mentioning these conditions to his friend Sir Hugh the Hairy, who, however,
did not seem particularly struck with the suggestion, but made a counter-
proposal of maces on horseback at the neighbouring lists in three days'
time.
Before our hero knew what he was about he found that he had agreed. He got
through a deal of heavy thinking on his way home to his castle, but had
fortunately completed his plan of campaign before he arrived, for the
esquire of his enemy was awaiting him there, demanding to know the details
of the coming contest. He made the conditions suggested by Sir Hugh, merely
adding that the maces must be smooth and not knobbed, as was customary in
the better-class combats of that day.
He then began to make his preparations. At first he was considerably
depressed by the entire absence of all rubber, until dire necessity
compelled him to find a serviceable substitute in the shape of untanned
ox-skins. These he carefully sewed together with his own knightly hands,
coating the stitches over with pitch and resin. He was a good workman and
did not fail to be ready in time.
When the hour of combat arrived he vanished into the painted pavilion
reserved for him at one end of the lists, accompanied only by his faithful
esquire. Hastily he donned his suiting of reinforced ox-hide, which covered
the whole of his person from head to foot, and hung stiffly in folds all
round him. Then, holding out a metal tube which was attached to the front
of the costume, he presented it to his esquire, saying in the vernacular of
those stout times--
"Ho, varlet! Blow me down yon hole till there be no more breath in thy vile
bodie. Blow me hard and leally. Blow an thou burst in ye blowinge."
Whereupon the trusty varlet blew.
Thus it fell out that when the trumpet sounded and the Black Baron of
Beaumaris, his foe, rode forth from his sable pavilion, armed cap-a-pie in
a suit of highly-polished steel and bestriding a black and rather
over-dressed charger, he saw through the chinks of his lowered visor an
object which he would undoubtedly have mistaken for a diminutive
observation balloon if he had lived a few centuries later. In short, Sir
Bowles, having been sufficiently inflated by his now exhausted esquire, had
inserted his valve-pin into the tube (which he had tucked away and laced up
like an association football), and now emerged upon the lists with a
feeling of elation that he had not experienced for several days.
They approached each other. It was with some difficulty that our hero
wielded his mace, owing, first, to the inflated condition of his right arm,
and, secondly, to the unaccustomed weight of the weapon. His hold also upon
his curvetting steed was a little precarious, and he hoped that no one in
the crowd would notice the string that tied his legs together beneath the
horse's belly.
If the Baron was surprised at what he saw he made no sign, but, riding
straight at his strange antagonist, he dealt him a mighty blow on the left
side of the head, which had quite an unlooked-for result. The string which
attached our hero's legs held, it is true, but he naturally lost his
balance, and, being knocked to the right, disappeared temporarily from the
Baron's view. But the force of his swing was such that, at the moment when
he was head downwards under the horse, he still had enough way on to bring
him up again on the other side. No sooner had he regained a vertical
position than the Baron repeated the blow on the same spot and with the
same result.
Then the same thing happened again and again; and indeed Sir Bowles might
have revolved indefinitely, to the intense delight of the distinguished
audience, had not the string broken at the thirty-fourth revolution.
Now the involuntary movements of our hero had accelerated at every turn,
and when finally he parted company with his trusty steed he was going very
fast indeed. Falling near the edge of the lists, he found touch, first
bounce, in the Royal Box, whence some officious persons rolled him back
again into the field of play.
It must not be supposed that poor Sir Bowles was comfortable during these
proceedings. The rather ingenious apparatus whereby he had hoped to catch a
glimpse of his adversary had got out of order at the first onslaught, and
he was in total darkness. Moreover, he soon discovered that the haughty
Baron was taking all sorts of liberties with him; was slogging him round
the lists; in short, was playing polo with him.
But apart from the physical and mental discomfort of his situation he was
not actually hurt, and at length he felt himself come to rest. The Baron,
worn out by his unproductive labours, was thinking.
So was Bowles. He was just saying to himself, "Thank heaven I thought of
choosing _smooth_ maces. A spike would have punctured the cover in no
time," when he felt something which made his hair stand on end.
His enemy was fumbling at the lacing of his tunic!
Then poor little Sir Bowles gave himself up for lost and almost swooned
away. He felt the Baron undo the lace and pull out the tube. There was a
perplexed pause....
And just as the Baron was pulling out the valve pin little Mr. Bowles woke
with a shriek.
* * * * *
I suppose it was the fact that he had come straight from a symposium on
transmigration that made little Bowles imagine he had been recurring to a
previous existence. I myself should have thought that the rules of the game
required the reincarnation of Sir Bors to be a rather more bloodthirsty and
pugnacious person than our hero; and the sequel seems to prove that little
Bowles thought the same. I think he felt he was not quite the man for this
sort of rough work, even in the retrospect of dreams. Anyway, shortly after
his painful experience he withdrew his subscription from the Puddlesby
Psychical Society and ceased for ever to assist at their seances.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Wicket-keeper_ (_by way of shewing sympathy to victim of
demon bowler_). "RUM GAME, CRICKET."]
* * * * *
THE OVERLAND ROUTE.
"MAIL AND STEAMSHIP NEWS.
Morea, Bombay for London, at Verseilles, 8th."--_Scottish Paper._
* * * * *
"James ----, a boy of 13, was charged at Belgium, Greece, V and Czecho-
Slovakia, and pleaded that he took the money because he felt he must
have some amusement."--_Evening Paper._
The little Bolshevist!
* * * * *
A "Historic Estate" is announced for sale in the following terms by a
contemporary:--
"In the Heart of the Albrighton Country, and in direst railway
communication with Birmingham, Wolverhampton, Manchester, Bristol and
other northern and western centres."
Evidently a case where evil communications corrupt good spelling.
* * * * *
From a feuilleton:--
"Before the podgy dealer knew what had happened, she had sprung right
round him, seized the telephone instrument and placed her mouth to the
receiver. She smiled at him defiantly. 'Yes, I will,' she panted."--
_Daily Paper._
And then, we suppose, she wrote to the POSTMASTER-GENERAL to complain of
the inefficiency of the service.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Junior Partner of Firm_ (_exempted on business grounds
during the War, interviewing applicant for employment, a demobilised
officer, D.S.O., M.C., mentioned twice in despatches and wounded three
times_). "YOU SAY YOU WERE THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS IN FRANCE AND YET DON'T
SPEAK THE LANGUAGE? IT SEEMS TO ME YOU WASTED YOUR TIME ABROAD, SIR."]
* * * * *
CHANGES IN CLUB-LAND.
(_By a Student of Manners._)
The Roman satirist sang of poets reciting their verses in the month of
August. If he were alive now he would find as fruitful a subject in the
renovations and decorations of Clubland. Clubs are strange institutions;
they go in for Autumn not Spring cleaning. Happily all Clubs are not
renovated at the same time, otherwise the destitution of members would be
pitiful to contemplate. Even as it is the temporary accommodation offered
by their neighbours is not unattended by serious drawbacks. The standard of
efficiency in bridge and billiards is not the same; the cuisine of one
Club, though admirable in itself, may not suit the digestions of members of
another; the opportunities for repose vary considerably. In short, August
and September are trying months for the clubman who is obliged to remain in
London. But by October Pall Mall is itself again, and we are glad to be
able to state that in certain Clubs the amenities and comforts available
will be greatly enhanced.
For example the Megatherium, which is now in the hands of the decorators,
is being painted a pale pink outside, a colour which recent experiments
have shown to exert a peculiarly humanising and tranquillising influence on
persons of an irritable disposition. A sumptuous dormitory is being erected
on the top floor, where slow music will be discoursed every afternoon, from
three to seven, by a Czecho-Slovak orchestra. A roof-garden is being laid
out for the recreation of the staff, and the velocity of the numerous lifts
has been keyed up to concert pitch. Steam heat will be conveyed from the
basement to radiators on every floor, and each room is being provided with
a vacuum-cleaning apparatus, a wireless telephonic outfit and an American
bar. The renovation of the library is practically complete, the obsolete
books which cumbered its shelves having been replaced by the works of DELL,
BARCLAY, WELLS, ZANE GREY and BENNETT. Three interesting rumours about the
future of the Club may be given with due reserve--the first, that in the
near future women will be admitted to membership; the second, that Lord
Ascliffe has obtained a complete control of its resources; and the third,
that its name will be shortly changed to "Alfred's," on the analogy of
"Arthur's."
* * * * *
From Smith Minor's French Paper:
"Translate 'La femme avait une chatte qui etait tres mechante.'--'The
farmer was having a chat with thirteen merchants.'"
* * * * *
"Archbishop Mannix ... says he can go anywhere in England except to
Liverpool, Manchester, Glasgow and possibly Fishguard."--_Daily
Mirror._
Another injustice to Scotland.
* * * * *
"But this Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriage
bond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty, incurable
sanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds of
divorce."--_Scotch Paper._
And so many Scotsmen are incurably sane.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE PROBLEM.
POLAND (_to Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, organizer of the Human Chess Tournament_).
"HOW ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY THE GAME? I WAS LED TO BELIEVE I WAS TO BE A
QUEEN, BUT I FIND I'M ONLY A PAWN."]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
[Illustration: GOING TO THE COUNTRY?
"I think it would be a calamity if we did anything to prevent the economic
use of charabancs."--_Sir ERIC GEDDES._
_First "Banc."_ Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, Mr. BONAR LAW, Mr. BALFOUR, Mr.
CHAMBERLAIN, Mr. CHURCHILL.
_Second "Banc."_ Sir E. GEDDES, Mr. SHORTT, Mr. LONG, Sir ROBERT HORNE,
Col. AMERY.
_Third "Banc."_ Mr. ILLINGWORTH, Lord E. TALBOT, Mr. FISHER, Dr. ADDISON,
Sir GORDON HEWART.
_Fourth "Banc."_ Mr. KELLAWAY, Sir M. BARLOW, Sir L. WORTHINGTON EVANS, Sir
A.G. BOSCAWEN, Mr. TOWYN JONES.
_Fifth "Banc."_ Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD, Mr. BALDWIN, Sir JAMES CRAIG, Mr.
DENIS HENRY, Mr. NEAL.
_Sixth "Banc."_ Mr. MONTAGU, Dr. MACNAMARA, Mr. MCCURDY, Mr. IAN
MACPHERSON, Sir A. MOND.]
_Monday, August, 9th._--In an atmosphere of appropriate gloom the House of
Lords discussed the latest Coercion Bill for Ireland. Even the LORD
CHANCELLOR could say little more for the measure than that it might
possibly enable some of the persons now in custody to be tried; and most of
the other Peers who spoke seemed to think that it would be either
mischievous or useless. The only confident opinion expressed was that of
the elderly Privy Councillor, who from the steps of the Throne ejaculated,
"If you pass this Bill you may kill England, not Ireland." But despite this
unconventional warning the Peers took the risk.
The event of the day in the House of Commons was Colonel WEDGWOOD'S tie. Of
ample dimensions and of an ultra-scarlet hue that even a London and
South-Western Railway porter might envy, it dominated the proceedings
throughout Question-time. Beside it Mr. CLAUDE LOWTHER'S pink shirt paled
its ineffectual fires.
When Viscount CURZON renewed his anti-charabancs campaign and Sir ERIC
GEDDES was doing his best to maintain an even mind amid the contradictory
suggestions showered upon him, the Ministerial eye was caught by the red
gleam from Colonel WEDGWOOD'S shirt-front. At once, the old railway
instinct reasserted itself. Recognizing the danger-signal and hastily
cramming on his brakes, Sir ERIC observed that it would be "a great
calamity" to prevent the economic use of the charabancs.
_Tuesday, August 10th._--As Lord Great Chamberlain, and therefore official
custodian of the Palace of Westminster, Lord LINCOLNSHIRE mentioned with
due solemnity the regrettable incident of the day before. Lord CURZON
thought the offender (the Right Hon. A. CARLISLE) should be allowed to
explain his behaviour, and suggested that he should himself address to him
a suitable letter. Several noble lords--anticipating, no doubt, that,
whatever else came of it, the correspondence would furnish lively
reading--said "Hear, hear."
A week ago the Peers decided by a very small majority--28 to 23--that there
should be no Minister of Mines, but only an Under-Secretary. Lord PEEL now
sought to induce them to change their minds. His principal argument was
that a Minister would only cost five hundred pounds a year more than a
Secretary and would secure the "harmony in the coal-trade" now so
conspicuously lacking. The Peers evidently thought this too good to be
true, for they proceeded to reassert their previous decision by 48 to 23.
[Illustration: A DISTINGUISHED STRANGER.
M. KRASSIN CONTEMPLATES THE COMMONS.]
There was a big assemblage in the Commons to hear the PRIME MINISTER'S
statement on Poland. The Duke of YORK was over the Clock, flanked by the
Archbishop of CANTERBURY on one side and Messrs. KAMENEFF and KRASSIN (who
sound, but do not look, like a music-hall "turn") on the other.
Some facts bearing, more or less, on the situation were revealed at
Question-time. Mr. CHURCHILL denied that he had ever suggested an alliance
with the Germans against Bolshevism, and, as we are keeping the Watch on
the Rhine with only thirteen thousand men--just three thousand more than it
takes to garrison London--perhaps it is just as well. He has, I gathered,
no great opinion of the Bolshevists as soldiers. In his endeavour to
describe the disgust of our troops in North Russia at being ordered to
retire before "an enemy they cordially despised" he nearly dislocated his
upper lip.
For two-thirds of his speech the PRIME MINISTER was the sober statesman,
discussing with due solemnity the grave possibilities of the Russo-Polish
crisis. The Poles had been rash and must take the consequences. We should
not help them unless the Bolshevists, not content with punishment,
threatened the extinction of Poland's independence.
Then his mood changed, and for a sparkling quarter of an hour he chaffed
the Labour Party for its support of the Soviet Government, an
unrepresentative self-appointed oligarchy. To make his point he even
sacrificed a colleague. LENIN was an aristocrat, TROTSKY a journalist. "In
fact"--turning to Mr. CHURCHILL--"my right honourable friend is an
embodiment of both."
A brief struggle for precedence between Mr. ASQUITH and Mr. ADAMSON ended
in favour of the EX-PREMIER, who doubted whether the best way to ensure
peace was to attack one of the parties to the dispute, and proceeded to
make things more or less even by vigorously chiding Poland for her
aggression. Mr. CLYNES, while admitting that the Labour Party would have to
reconsider its position if the independence of Poland was threatened, still
maintained that we had not played a straight game from Russia.
Later on, through the medium of Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY, communication
was established between the Treasury Bench and the Distinguished Strangers'
Gallery. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE read the terms offered by the Soviet to the
Poles, and gave them a guarded approval.
_Wednesday, August 11th._--A Bill to prohibit ready-money betting on
football matches was introduced by Lord GAINFORD (who played for Cambridge
forty years ago) and supported by Lord MEATH, "a most enthusiastic player"
of a still earlier epoch. The Peers could not resist the pleading of these
experts and gave the Bill a second reading; but when Lord GAINFORD proposed
to rush it through goal straightaway his course was barred by Lord
BIRKENHEAD, an efficient Lord "Keeper."
A proposal for the erection at the public expense of a statue of the late
Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN furnished occasion for the PRIME MINISTER and Mr.
ASQUITH to indulge in generous praise of a political opponent. Mr. LLOYD
GEORGE (with his eye on the Sovietists) pointed out that, as this was
"essentially a Parliamentary country," we did well to honour "a great
Parliamentarian"; and the EX-PREMIER (with his eye on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE)
selected for special note among Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S characteristics that he
had "no blurred edges."
A humdrum debate on the Consolidation Fund Bill was interrupted by the
startling news that France had decided, in direct opposition to the policy
announced yesterday by the PRIME MINISTER, to give immediate recognition to
General WRANGEL. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE expressed his "surprise and anxiety" and
could only suppose that there had been an unfortunate misunderstanding. To
give time for its removal the House decided to postpone its holiday and
adjourned till Monday.
* * * * *
MORE HEADACHES FOR THE HISTORIAN.
Messrs. KAMENEFF and KRASSIN, the Soviet envoys, were in the Distinguished
Strangers' Gallery during the PRIME MINISTER'S speech on Poland last week.
Hence these tears:--
"In conversation they seem to betray only a limited acquaintance with
English, but every word of Mr. Lloyd George's utterance seemed
intelligible to them. Not only did they follow him with eager interest,
but often with animated comment."--_Evening Standard_.
"The two did not exchange a single remark during the whole of the
Premier's speech." _Evening News_.
"Krassin could follow every word of Lloyd George. His colleague doesn't
speak or understand English, so Krassin every few minutes leaned over
and whispered a translation into the other's ear."--_Star_.
"The Soviet envoys, especially M. Krassin, seemed somewhat restless,
and appeared to take more interest in the scene than in the speech, but
this I heard attributed to their difficulty in following the words of
the Prime Minister."--_Pall Mall Gazette_.
* * * * *
BLEWITT ON REAL PROPERTY.
_229th ed., folio, 2 vols._ (_Sour and Taxwell, 85s._).
All persons interested in this entrancing subject will welcome the new
edition of Mr. Blewitt's famous work. The book is one which should be found
on every shelf throughout the country, and is undoubtedly, in its
combination of erudition and artistic merit, one of the masterpieces of
English literature. It has been well described by a more competent critic
as one which "it is difficult to take up when once you have put it down,"
and in this judgment most readers will, we believe, concur.
It seems needless for us to say anything about so well-known a work, and to
say anything new is, we believe, impossible. Mr. Blewitt is invariably
happy in his choice of subject, and in this treatise on _Real Property_ his
sparkling wit, his light style and clearness of expression do ample justice
to the perennial freshness of his subject. The reader is swiftly carried
from situation to situation and thrill follows thrill with daring rapidity.
The plot is of the simplest, but worked out with surprising skill, while
the events are related with that vivid imagination which the subject
demands. Who is there that does not feel a glow of exaltation and rejoice
with the heir when he comes, upon reversion, into the property from which
he has been so long excluded? Mr. Blewitt treats this incident with a sense
of romance and picturesqueness of language reminiscent of the ballad of
"The Lord of Lynn." In its facts the ballad bears a striking resemblance to
those so graphically described by our author, but in point of execution
lacks the true breath of poetic inspiration which pervades Mr. Blewitt's
book.
Nor is his work wanting in pathos. There are few who will not sympathise
with the hero when he discovers that the life-estate of the fair widow whom
he adores with all the fierce yearnings of his passionate soul is subject
to a collateral limitation to widowhood. Mr. Blewitt's silence on the
disappointment which embittered his spirit and the doubts which tormented
his mind is more eloquent than any soliloquy of _Hamlet_.
