Various - Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, July 28th, 1920
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, July 28th, 1920
Let managers take a lesson from these few observations and they will no
longer go about seeking an answer to the riddle, "Why did the cocoanut
shy?"
* * * * *
THE BEST LAID SCHEMES.
[A contemporary declares that the side-car stands unrivalled as a
matchmaker. It would seem, however, that opinion on the subject is not
unanimous.]
We motored together, the maiden and I,
And I was delighted to take her,
For, frankly, I wanted my side-car to try
Its skill as a little matchmaker;
Though up to that time I had striven my best,
I'd more than a passing suspicion
The spark I was anxious to light in her breast
Still suffered from faulty ignition.
We started betimes in the promptest of styles
For scenes that were rustic and quiet;
I opened the throttle; we ate up the miles
(A truly exhilarant diet);
Till sharply, as over a common we went,
Gorse-clad (or it may have been heather),
The engine stopped short with a tactful intent
To leave the young couple together.
'Twas instinct (I take it) directing my course
That named as my first occupation
A fruitless endeavour to track to its source
The cause of this sudden cessation;
And so I had tinkered with tools for a space
Ere I thought of my favourite poet,
And said to myself, "Lo! the time and the place
And the loved one in unison; go it."
I might have remembered man seldom appears
Alluring in look or in manner
With a smut on his nose, oleaginous ears
And frenziedly clutching a spanner;
Though down by the cycle I fell to my knees
And ported my heart for inspection,
I only received for my passionate pleas
A curt and conclusive rejection.
* * * * *
"Gentlewoman, good family, small means, musical, devoted to parish
work, wishes to correspond with clergyman with view to being 'an
helpmeet for him.'"--_Church Times._
The _Matrimonial News_ must look to its laurels.
* * * * *
"The Picturedrome, ----, and ---- Cinema, have been acquired by a
London Syndicate, in which are several gentlemen."--_Provincial Paper._
We do not profess to know much about the film-trade, but is this so very
unusual?
* * * * *
[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
POST-WAR SIMPLICITY IN BATHING-GEAR.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Urchin (outside Club)._ "I BET IT WAS THE FAULT OF 'IM ON
THE RIGHT."]
* * * * *
WAYS AND MEANS.
I have read somewhere that when and/or if railway fares are increased it
will cost a man travelling with his wife and two children (the children
being half-fares) as much as twenty pounds to take third-class return
tickets to St. Ives.
Presumably this refers to the Cornish St. Ives, and to show how serious the
problem will be for quite large families I need only refer my readers to
the well-known poetical riddle which is generally supposed to refer to the
Cornish St. Ives too. It will be seen at once that in the case of a
septuagamist going to or returning from St. Ives with his family the cost
will be vastly greater, even if no special luggage rates are leviable for
the carriage of excess cats.
Fortunately there is a much nearer St. Ives in Huntingdonshire, and if I
was going to St. Ives at all, with or without encumbrances, I should
certainly choose that one. As a matter of fact the Huntingdonshire St. Ives
is a very pleasant place indeed, with a lot of red-and-yellow cattle
standing about, if one may take the authority of the County Card Game in
these matters. It is almost as pleasant as Luton, where there is a fellow
in a blue smock with side-whiskers and a reaping-hook, and Leicester, which
consists solely of a windmill and a house where RICHARD III. slept on the
night before the Battle of Bosworth Field. Not a word about RAMSAY
MACDONALD.
But we are not talking about RAMSAY MACDONALD and the County Card Game; we
are talking about Sir ERIC GEDDES and his railway fares, and talking pretty
sharply too. What is to be done about this monstrous imposition? And how
are we going to show the Government that you cannot play about with ozone
as you can with margarine and coal? If only all passengers were prepared to
act in concert it would be easy enough to bring Sir ERIC to his knees. The
best and simplest plan would be for everybody to ask at the booking-office
for a half-fare, stating boldly that his or her age was exactly eleven
years and eleven months. It might not sound very convincing, of course,
even if you had a red-and-black cricket-cap on the back of your head and
covered your beard or what not with one hand; but a constant succession of
people all demanding the same thing would most certainly cause the
booking-clerk to give way. It might occur to him besides that, since so
many people insisted on giving their wrong ages for the pleasure of
fighting in war-time, they had a perfect right to do the same for the
pleasure of travelling in peace-time; and in the case of the women his
reputation for gallantry would be imperilled if he had the impudence to
doubt their word.
But would everybody be prepared to take up this strong and reasonable line?
I doubt it, and we must turn to the consideration of other economical
devices.
One plan which I do not honestly recommend is travelling under the seats of
the railway compartment, like _Paul Bultitude_ in _Vice Versa_. I say this
partly because the accommodation under the seats is not all that it ought
to be, and even where there is no heating apparatus a tight fit for large
families, and partly because you have to face the possibility that your
tickets may be demanded on the platform at the other end. Nor do I favour
the method invariably adopted by people in cinema plays, which is to sit on
the buffers or the roofs, or conceal yourself among the brakes or whatever
they are underneath the carriages. Unless you drop off just before the
terminus, which hurts, the same objection arises as in the under-the-seat
method; and in any case you are practically certain to be spotted not only
by the officials of the railway company concerned but with axle-grease.
It is of course possible to travel without concealment and without a ticket
either, merely discovering with a start of surprise when you are asked for
it that you have lost the beastly thing. But this involves acting. It
involves hunting with a great appearance of energy and haste in all your
pockets, your reticule, your hatband, the turn-ups of your trousers, _The
Rescue_ (for you certainly used something as a book-marker) and finally
turning out in front of all the other passengers the whole of your
note-case, which proves that you cannot have been going to stay at the
"Magnificent" after all, and the envelopes of all the old letters which you
were taking down to the sea in the hopes of answering them there; and even
after that you have to give the name and address of somebody you don't like
(say Sir ERIC GEDDES) to satisfy the inspector.
On the whole I think the best way is the one which I mean to adopt myself
at the earliest opportunity. Let us suppose that you are going to Brighton.
At Victoria Station you will purchase (1) a return ticket to Streatham
Common, (2) a platform ticket. The platform ticket entitles you to walk on
to the platform from which the Brighton train starts, and, when it is just
moving out and all the tickets have been looked at, you will leap on board.
This brings you to Brighton, and all you have to do there is to accost the
man who takes the tickets in a voice hoarse with fury. "Look here," you
will say, "I had an important business engagement at Streatham Common,
worth thousands and thousands of pounds to me, and one of your fool porters
told me a wrong platform at Victoria. What are you going to do about it?"
Now you might think that the porter would reply, "Come off it, Mister; you
don't kid me like that," or make some other disappointing and impolite
remark; but not a bit of it. Bluster is the thing that pays. First of all
he will apologise, and then he will fetch the station-master, and he will
apologise too, and after a bit they will offer you a special train back to
Streatham Common, probably the one the KING uses when he goes to the
seaside. But you will of course refuse to be pacified and wave it away,
saying, "Useless, absolutely useless. Now that I am in this awful hole I
shall spend the night here. But I shall certainly sue your Company for the
amount of the business that I have lost."
That is what I mean to do, and with slight variations the ruse can be
applied to almost any non-stop run. Now that I have given the tip I shall
hope to find quite a little crowd of disappointed business men round the
station exits at holiday time when and/or if railway fares are increased.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Racing Tout (arrested the day before)._ "CAN YER TELL ME
WOT WON THE THREE-THIRTY?"
_Magistrate_. "SILENCE!" _Tout._ "W'Y, THERE WASN'T NO SUCH 'ORSE
RUNNING."]
* * * * *
OUR NATURAL HISTORY COLUMN.
_Letters to the Editor._
THE HYDE PARK MONUMENT.
DEAR SIR,--The experience of the Parisian scavenger who recently discovered
a crocodile in a dustbin encourages me to write to you on a similar
subject. I note with profound dismay the proposal to turn Hyde Park into a
Zoological Garden. At least this is not an unfair deduction from the scheme
to instal a huge python in the neighbourhood of Hyde Park Corner. I do not
profess to know much about snakes, but I believe the python is a most
dangerous reptile, and I see it stated that the pythons which have just
arrived at Regent's Park are "large and vigorous, already active and
looking for food." Surely this monstrous suggestion, threatening the safety
of the peaceful frequenters of the Park, calls for a national protest. Can
it be that the PREMIER is at the back of this, as of every invasion of our
rights?
Yours faithfully, MATERFAMILIAS.
P.S.--My son says it is a pylon, not a python, but that only makes it
worse.
STRANGE EXPERIENCE OF A HERMIT.
DEAR SIR,--My grandfather, who died in the 'fifties, used to tell a story
of a hermit who lived in Savernake Forest, an extraordinarily absent-minded
man with a beard of such colossal dimensions that several of the feathered
denizens of the forest took up their abode in its recesses. This curious
phenomenon was, I believe, commemorated in verse by an early-Victorian
poet, but I have not been able after considerable research to trace the
reference. I have the honour to remain,
Yours faithfully, ISIDORE TUFTON
(Author of _The Growth of the Moustache Movement, The Topiary Art as
applied to Whiskers_, and the article on "Pogonotrophy" in _The
Hairdressers' Encyclopaedia_).
PRESENCE OF MIND IN A PORBEAGLE.
DEAR SIR,--The following verses, though not strictly relevant to the
crocodile incident, commemorate an occurrence illustrating the extent to
which piscine intelligence can be developed in favourable circumstances:--
"There was an unlucky porbeagle
Who was picked up at sea by an eagle;
On reaching the nest
It began to protest
On the ground that the speed was illegal."
I am Sir, Yours faithfully,
GEORGE WASHINGTON COOK.
* * * * *
"Lieut.-Commander Kenworthy said it had been advocated in _The Times_.
The Premier: I will be prepared to believe anything of _The Times_, but
really I do not tink it has ever suggested tat."--_Daily Mail_.
Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is always ready to give _The Times_ tink-for-tat.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Guest_ (_to Fellow-Guest at garden-party who has offered to
introduce her to well-known Socialist_). "I DON'T THINK SO, THANKS. HE
LOOKS RATHER FEARSOME."
_Fellow-Guest._ "MY DEAR, HE'S ONE OF THE FEW DECENT PEOPLE HERE--BELONGS
TO AN OLD ENGLISH LABOURING FAMILY."]
* * * * *
I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER.
(_Carefully imitated from the best models, except that it has somehow
got into metre and rhyme._)
Four-and-ninety English winters
Having flecked my hair with snows,
I am ready for the printers,
And my publishers suppose
That these random recollections
Of a mid-Victorian male,
Owing to my high connections,
Ought to have a fairish sale.
Comrades of my giddy zenith,
Gazing back in retrospect,
I should say Lord Brixton (Kenneth)
Had the brightest intellect;
Though of course no age enfeebles
James Kircudbright's mental vim
(Now the seventh Duke of Peebles)--
I have lots of tales of Jim.
We were gilded youths together
In our Foreign Office days;
Used to fish and tramp the heather
At his uncle's castle, "Braes;"
I recall our wild elation
One day when we stole the hat,
At the Honduras Legation,
Of a Danish diplomat.
James had scarcely any vices,
His career was made almost
When the Guatemalan crisis
Caused him to resign his post;
He possessed a Gordon setter
On whose treatment by a vet
I once wrote _The Times_ a letter
Which has not been published yet.
Politics were dry and dusty,
Still they had their moods of fun,
As, for instance, when the crusty
Yet delightful Viscount Bunn
Broke into the Second Reading
Of a Church Endowment Bill
With a snore of perfect breeding
Which convulsed the Earl of Brill.
Through my kinship with the Gortons
I was much at Widnes Square;
People of the first importance
Often came to luncheon there;
GLADSTONE, DIZZY, even older
Statesmen used to throng the hall;
PALMERSTON once touched my shoulder--
Which one I do not recall.
Then I went to routs and dances,
Ah, how fine they were, and how
Different from the dubious prances
That the young indulge in now;
There I first encountered Kitty,
Told the girl I was a dunce,
But implored her to have pity,
And she said she would, at once.
Eh, well, well! I must not linger
On those glorious halcyon days;
Time with his relentless finger
Brings me to the second phase;
Politics were always creeping
Like a ghost across my view--
I contested Market Sleeping
In the Spring of Seventy-Two.
GLADSTONE--[No, please not. ED.]
EVOE.
* * * * *
"BRIGHTON.--The ----. One minute sea, West Pier, Lawns. Gas fires in
beds."--_Advt. in Daily Paper._
Thanks, but we prefer a hot-water bottle.
* * * * *
[Illustration: MORAL SUASION.
THE RABBIT. "MY OFFENSIVE EQUIPMENT BEING PRACTICALLY _NIL_, IT REMAINS FOR
ME TO FASCINATE HIM WITH THE POWER OF MY EYE."]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
[Illustration: THE INCOHERENTS.
The reply of the Soviet Government to the Spa Conference was described by
Mr. LLOYD GEORGE as "incoherent; the sort of document that might be drawn
up by a committee composed of Colonel WEDGWOOD, Commander KENWORTHY, Lord
ROBERT CECIL, Mr. BOTTOMLEY and Mr. THOMAS." It is understood that these
hon. Members intend to hold an indignation meeting to discuss means--if
any--of refuting this charge.]
_Monday, July 19th._--Opinions may differ as to the wisdom of the Peers in
reopening the DYER case, but the large audience which assembled in the
galleries, where Peeresses and Indians vied with one another in the
gorgeousness of their attire, testified to the public interest in the
debate. At first the speakers made no attempt to "hot up" their cold
porridge. In presenting General DYER'S case Lord FINLAY was strong without
rage. In rebutting it the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR INDIA proved himself a grave
and reverend SINHA, without a trace of the provocativeness displayed by his
Chief in the Commons. Not until the LORD CHANCELLOR intervened did the
temperature begin to rise. His description of the incident in the
Jullianwallah Bagh was only a little less lurid than that of Mr. MONTAGU.
The Peers would, I think, have liked a little more explanation of how an
officer who admittedly exhibited, both before and after this painful
affair, "discretion, sobriety and resolution," should be regarded as having
on this one day committed "a tragic error of judgment upon the most
conspicuous stage," and may have wondered whether, if the stage had been
less conspicuous, the critics would have been more lenient.
[Illustration: AN ARABIAN KNIGHT AT HOME. LORD WINTERTON.]
For as long as I can remember the French have been _partant pour la Syrie_.
Now they have got there, with a mandate from the Supreme Council, and have
come into collision with the Arabs. As we are the friends of both parties
the situation is a little awkward. Mr. ORMSBY-GORE hoped we were not going
to fight our Arab allies, and was supported by Lord WINTERTON, who saw
service with them during the War. A diplomatic speech by Mr. BONAR LAW, who
pointed out that the French were in Syria on just the same conditions as we
were in Mesopotamia, helped to keep the debate within safe limits.
_Tuesday, July 20th._--The Lords continued the DYER debate. Lord MILNER
confessed that he had approached the subject "with a bias in favour of the
soldier," and showed how completely he had overcome it by finally talking
about "Prussian methods"--a phrase that Lord SUMNER characterised as
"facile but not convincing." Lord CURZON hoped that the Peers would not
endorse such methods, but would be guided by the example of "Clemency"
CANNING. The Lords however, by 129 to 86, passed Lord FINLAY'S motion, to
the effect that General DYER had been unjustly treated and that a dangerous
precedent had been established.
The FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS was inundated with questions about the
pylon and explained that it had been designed by Sir FRANK BAINES entirely
on his own initiative. Its submission to the Cabinet had never been
contemplated, and its exhibition in the Tea Room was due to an hon. Member,
who said that a number of people would be interested. Apparently they were.
Asked if the scheme might be regarded as quite dead, Sir ALFRED MOND
replied that he certainly thought so. In fact, to judge by his previous
answer, it was never really alive.
There is still anxious curiosity regarding the increase of railway fares,
but when invited to "name the day" Mr. BONAR LAW remained coy. Suggestions
for postponements in the interests of this or that class of holiday-maker
finally goaded him into asking sarcastically, "Why not until after
Christmas?" Whereupon the House loudly cheered.
_Wednesday, July 21st._--Tactful man, Lord DESBOROUGH. In urging the
Government to call a Conference to consider the establishment of a fixed
date for Easter he supported his case with a wealth of curious information,
some of it acquired from the Prayer-book tables, as he said, "during the
less interesting sermons to which I have listened." You or I would have
said "dull" _tout court_, and in that case we should not have deserved to
receive, as Lord DESBOROUGH did, the almost enthusiastic support of the
Archbishop of CANTERBURY.
In spite of this Lord ONSLOW, for the Government, was far from encouraging.
He quite recognised the drawbacks of the movable Easter, and agreed that it
was primarily a matter for the Churches. But he feared the Nonconformists
might dissent, and displayed a hitherto unsuspected reverence for the
opinion of the Armenians. Besides, what about the Dominions and Labour? And
with Europe in such a state of unrest ought we to throw in a new apple of
discord? With much regret the Government could not see their way, etc.
Whereupon Lord DESBOROUGH, who seems to be easily satisfied, expressed his
gratitude and withdrew his motion.
In an expansive moment Mr. MONTAGU once referred to Mr. GANDHI as his
"friend." He did so, it appears, in the hope that the eminent agitator
would abandon his disloyal vapourings. But the friendship is now finally
sundered. Mr. GANDHI has been endeavouring to organise a boycott of the
PRINCE OF WALES' visit to India, and, as Mr. MONTAGU observed more in
sorrow than in anger, "Nobody who suggests disloyalty or discourtesy to the
Crown can be a friend of any Member of this House, let alone a Minister."
If anyone were to take exception to the accuracy of some of the PRIME
MINISTER'S historical allusions in his post-Spa oration he would doubtless
reply, "I don't read history; I make it." He was tart with the Turks,
gratulatory to the Greeks, peevish with the Poles and gentle to the
Germans. The German CHANCELLOR and Herr VON SIMONS were described as "two
perfectly honest upright men, doing their best to cope with a gigantic
task." Their country was making a real effort to meet the indemnity; it was
not entirely responsible for the delay in trying the war-criminals, and
even in the matter of disarmament was not altogether blameworthy. The
Bolshevists also were handled more tenderly than usual. Their reply was
"incoherent" rather than "impertinent"--it might have been drawn up by a
WEDGWOOD-KENWORTHY-CECIL-BOTTOMLEY-THOMAS syndicate. Still they must not be
allowed to wipe out Poland, foolish and reckless as the Poles had been.
A well-informed speech was made by Mr. T. SHAW, evidently destined to be
the Foreign Minister of the first Labour Cabinet. Having travelled in
Russia he has acquired a distaste for the Soviet system, both political and
industrial, and is confident that no amount of Bolshevist propaganda will
induce the British proletarian to embrace a creed under which he would be
compelled to work.
_Thursday, July. 22nd._--The Peers held an academic discussion on the
League of Nations. Lords PARMOOR, BRYCE and HALDANE, who declared
themselves its friends, were about as cheerful as JOB'S Comforters; Lord
SYDENHAM was frankly sceptical of the success of a body that had, and could
have, no effective force behind it; and Lord CURZON was chiefly concerned
to dispel the prevalent delusion that the League is a branch of the British
Foreign Office.
The Commons had an equally unappetising bill-of-fare, in which Ireland
figured appropriately as the _piece de resistance_. Sir JOHN REES'
well-meant endeavour to furnish some lighter refreshment by an allusion to
the Nauru islanders' habit of "broiling their brothers for breakfast" fell
a little flat. The latest news from Belfast suggests that in the expression
of brotherly love Queen's Island has little to learn from Nauru.
* * * * *
A SCENE AT THE CLUB.
I never liked Buttinbridge. I considered him a vulgar and pushful fellow.
He had thrust himself into membership of my club and he had forced his
acquaintance upon me.
I was sitting in the club smoking-room the other day when Buttinbridge came
in. His behaviour was characteristic of the man. He walked towards me and
said in a loud voice, "Cheerioh, old Sport!"
I drew the little automatic pistol with which I had provided myself in case
of just such an emergency, took a quick aim and fired. Buttinbridge gave a
convulsive leap, fell face downwards on the hearthrug and lay quite still.
It was a beautiful shot--right in the heart.
The room was fairly full at the moment, and at the sound of the shot
several members looked up from their newspapers. One young fellow--I fancy
he was a country member recently demobilised--who had evidently watched the
incident, exclaimed, "Pretty shot, Sir!" But two or three of the older men
frowned irritably and said, "Sh-sh-sh!"
Seeing that it was incumbent upon me to apologise, I said, in a tone just
loud enough to be audible to all present, "I beg your pardon, gentlemen."
Then I dropped the spent cartridge into an ash-tray, returned the pistol to
my pocket and was just stretching out my hand to touch the bell when old
Withergreen, the _doyen_ of the club, interposed.
"Pardon me," he said, "I am a little deaf, but almost simultaneously with
the fall of this member upon the hearthrug I fancied I heard the report of
a firearm. May I claim an old man's privilege and ask if I am right in
presuming a connection between the two occurrences, and, if so, whether
there has been any recent relaxation of our time-honoured rule against
assassination on the club premises?"
Shouting into his ear-trumpet, I said, "I fired the shot, Sir, which killed
the member now lying upon the hearthrug. I did so because he addressed me
in a form of salutation which I regard as peculiarly objectionable. He
called me 'Old Sport,' an expression used by bookmakers and such."
"Um! Old Port?" mumbled old Withergreen.
"OLD SPORT," I shouted more loudly. Then I stepped to the writing-table,
took a dictionary from among the books of reference, found the place I
wanted and returned to the ear-trumpet.
"I find here," I said, for the benefit of the room at large, for all were
now listening, though with some impatience, "that in calling me a '_sport_'
the deceased member called me a plaything, a diversion. If he had called me
a _sportsman_, which is here defined as 'one who hunts, fishes or fowls,'
he would have been not necessarily more accurate but certainly less
offensive."