Various - Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, February 11, 1920
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, February 11, 1920
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 158.
February 11th, 1920.
CHARIVARIA.
"If a burglar broke into my house," says Lady BEECHAM, "I should use the
telephone to summon help." Lady BEECHAM seems to have a sanguine
temperament.
* * *
Asked how she would act in case a burglar broke into her house, Miss IRIS
HOEY said she would stand before him and recite SHAKSPEARE. If anybody else
had said this we should have suspected a cruel nature.
* * *
A libel action arising, out of the representation by a German artist of the
ex-CROWN PRINCE as a baboon is to be heard shortly. It is not yet known who
is to prosecute on behalf of the local Society for the Prevention of
Cruelty to Animals.
* * *
Nine thousand officials have been appointed to control the food supplies in
Petrograd. English Government officials regard this arrangement as the work
of an amateur.
* * *
It is said that the exchange crisis is regarded by Mr. C.B. COCHRAN as a
deliberate attempt to divert attention from the DEMPSEY contest.
* * *
The rumour that CARPENTIER and DEMPSEY, in order to avoid further fuss and
publicity, have decided to fight it out privately, appears to have no
foundation.
* * *
Wrexham Education Committee is reconsidering its decision against teaching
Welsh in the elementary schools. The pathetic case of a local man who was
recently convicted of stealing a leg of beef owing to his being unable to
give his evidence in Welsh is thought to have something to do with it.
* * *
A domestic servants' union has been formed and an advertisement for a good
plain shop stewardess (two in family; policeman kept) will, we understand,
shortly appear in _The Morning Post_.
* * *
During the recent gales on the West Coast of Ireland the anemometer
registered the unprecedented velocity of one hundred-and-ten miles per
hour. A number of cases of anemonia are reported from the Phoenix Park
district.
* * *
According to _Men's Wear_, silk hats are to be increased in price by at
least thirty per cent. Is it by this process, we wonder, that they hope to
drive Mr. CHURCHILL out of business?
* * *
A pig and sty constituted first prize at a recent whist drive at Bishop's
Waltham. We understand that a difference of opinion between the winner and
the pig as regards the user of the sty has ended fatally for the latter.
* * *
It is reported that the Victory badge now being worn extensively in New
York is to be replaced by another bearing the inscription, "We did them."
* * *
"I intend to tour England," says a Prohibition lecturer, "and I will not be
hurried." We recommend the railway.
* * *
A Tralee man charged with shooting a neighbour said he had no desire to
break the law. It seems that he mistook the man for a policeman.
* * *
A French physician declares that a gift for yawning is one of the most
valuable health-assets. This should be good news for revue-producers.
* * *
"Honesty," says Dr. INGRAM, "is the best policy after all." All the same
some of our profiteers seem to get along pretty well, thank you.
* * *
The egg-laying competition promoted by _The Daily Mail_ has proved a great
success. It is most gratifying to learn that the hens have done their best
for "the paper that got us the shells."
* * *
"The influenza microbe," announces a medical journal, "has made its
appearance in many parts of the country and is slowly but surely making its
way towards London." With any other Government than ours a simple
suggestion that the sign-posts _en route_ should be reversed would have
been at once adopted.
* * *
During the last four weeks exactly four hundred and ninety-nine rats have
been destroyed in a small town in South Bedfordshire. It is hoped that as
soon as these figures are published a sporting rodent will give itself up
in order to complete the fifth century.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "WHY HAVEN'T YOU GOT ON SPURS?"
"I WAS GOING TO SPEAK ABOUT THAT, SIR. I REGRET I ACCIDENTALLY OMITTED TO
PUT THEM ON THIS MORNING, AND CONSEQUENTLY HAVE CAUGHT COLD. SO I WAS GOING
TO ASK YOU TO BE KIND ENOUGH TO GRANT ME LEAVE UNTIL--"]
* * * * *
"A champagne support was provided in the lower hall."--_Local Paper._
Very sustaining, we feel sure.
* * * * *
"The paper supports the proposed formation of a first army of 'shock
troops,' which would be capable of preventing the mobilisation of a
great Germy army."--_Evening Paper._
Anything to keep the influenza at bay.
* * * * *
"The times for the incubation of the eggs of various birds are as
under:--
Ostrich 41 days.
Gnu 49 days."--_Poultry-Keeping._
"Gnus, indeed!" said the Emu.
* * * * *
TO AMERICA
(_deferentially hinting how others see her and what they think of her
threatened repudiation of her PRESIDENT'S pledges_).
When you refuse to sign the Peace
Except with various "reservations,"
And prophesy a swift decease
Impinging on the League of Nations;
When you whose arms (we've understood)
Settled the War and wiped the Bosch out
Regard the whole world's brotherhood
As just a wash-out;
You say, in terms a little blunt,
"This scheme that you are advertising
Was all along a private stunt
Of WILSON'S singular devising;
His game we weren't allowed to know;
Under a misty smile he masked it;
We never gave him leave to go
(He never asked it).
"And you, poor credulous Allies,
Found in this fellow, self-appointed,
The worth he had in his own eyes
And let him pose as God's anointed;
Taking no sort of pains to see
Whether or not he had a mandate,
Like puppy-dogs the other Three
Out of his hand ate."
But how if _we_ had queered his claim
Or questioned his credentials, saying,
"Who is this WOODROW What's-his-name?
And what's the _role_ he thinks he's playing?
Is he a Methodist divine?
Or does he boom Chicago bacon?"--
I think that I can guess the line
You would have taken.
"Behold a Man," I hear you say,
"Of peerless wit and ripe instruction,
Elect of Heaven and U.S.A.--
Surely an ample introduction;
He comes to put Creation right;
He brings no chits--he doesn't need 'em;
Who doubts his faith will have to fight
The Bird of Freedom!"
O.S.
* * * * *
"SMALL ADS."
"Where do you get servants from?" I asked.
"From small ads.," said Phyllis promptly.
I picked up the paper from the floor where I had thrown it in the morning.
My wife is one of those rare women who always leave things where you put
them. It is this trait that endears her to me. I ran my trained eye over an
ad. column.
"Got it at once," I said with pardonable pride. "How's this?--'General
(genuine), stand any test trd. L70 possess. s. hands yrs. s.a.v.'"
"I like genuine people," said Phyllis thoughtfully. "And under the
circumstances"--(here she looked hard at me, as if I were a circumstance)--
"under the circumstances I think we ought to have one that will stand any
test. Seventy pounds is out of the question, of course, but she might come
for less when she sees how small we are. What does 's. hands yrs.' stand
for?"
"I don't know," I said; "I can only think of 'soft hands for years.'"
"I should like her," said Phyllis. "Their hands are the one thing against
Generals. She must be a nice girl to take such care of them. Think how
careful she'd be with the china. What's 'trd.'?"
"I'm afraid it must mean tired," I said.
"Oh, she'd soon get rested here," said Phyllis; "I don't think that need be
against her. She's probably been in a hard place lately. Are there any
more?"
"Plenty," I said. "How does this one strike you?--'General. no bacon.
possess. 2 rms. L45 wky. s.a.v.'"
"I like that one," said Phyllis. "She must be an awfully unselfish girl to
go without bacon. I don't see how we are going to spare two rooms, though,
unless she's willing to count the kitchen as one. Forty-five pounds a week
must be a printer's error. But we can easily afford forty-five pounds a
year."
"It may mean that she's 'weakly,'" I suggested.
"That wouldn't matter much," said Phyllis; "and I like her the better for
being honest about it."
"'Wky.' _might_ stand for 'whisky,'" I hinted darkly.
Phyllis blanched. "Then she's no good," she said; "I simply couldn't stand
one that drinks. What's the next one like?"
I read on: "Domestic oil no risk. 6 dys. trd. s. hands 10 yrs. s.a.v."
"I wonder whether that means that she _can_ cook on an oil-stove or that
she _can't_ cook on any other kind? And does the 'no risk' refer to her or
the stove? It's not very clear. I don't think we'll take up this one's
references. Besides I shouldn't like one that was tired for six days."
"Out of every seven," I added, "and the seventh day would be the Sabbath,
and her day off."
"Go on to the next," said Phyllis firmly.
The next one merely said; "General. Kilburn tkg. L40 1 rm. s.a.v."
"It would be nice to have a taking sort of girl," I thought (unfortunately
aloud).
"We won't think of her, the hussy!" said Phyllis. "Pass me the paper,
please."
"They all seem to want 's.a.v.,'" she said. "What do you suppose it means?
I wish they wouldn't use so many abbreviations. 'S.a.' stands for Sunday
afternoon, of course, but I can't think what the 'v.' is for. Of course
we'll give them Sunday afternoons free, if that's what it means. I only
wonder they don't want an evening off in the week as well. I call them most
reasonable. And there are so many to choose from. I always understood from
mother that they're so hard to get."
Then she turned the paper over.
"Oh, you are stupid!" she said. "You've been looking at the 'Shops and
Businesses for Sale' column."
"So've you," I snapped.
And then I regret to say we had our first quarrel.
I told Phyllis firmly that she is not at all tkg., nor would she stand any
test; that no one could engage her, much less marry her, without taking
risks; that she hadn't had s. hands for yrs., that _she_ wouldn't go
without her bacon for anyone, and that I should be jolly thankful if she
would take every blessed s.a.v.
I admit that Phyllis was more dignified. She merely sailed out of the room,
remarking that I made her trd.
* * * * *
"OUR INVINCIBLE NAVY."
In continuation of a paragraph in his last issue, Mr. Punch expresses his
regret if the article which appeared under the above title in these pages
on January 14th has unwittingly given offence to any one of his readers
through others having connected him with the character of _Reginald
McTaggart_.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE CONSCIENTIOUS BURGLAR.
PAISLEY HUMANITARIAN. "IF I COULD ONLY BE QUITE SURE THAT I SHOULDN'T BE
DISCOURAGING HIM FROM SAVING."
[Mr. ASQUITH has pronounced himself cautiously in favour of a Capital Levy,
on the condition, amongst others, that it must not be allowed to discourage
the habit of saving.]]
* * * * *
[Illustration: JULIUS CAESAR ON THE LINKS.
_Actor_ (_whose knowledge of SHAKSPEARE is greater than his golf_). "'O,
PARDON ME, THOU BLEEDING PIECE OF EARTH.'"]
* * * * *
RINGS FROM SATURN.
(_Extracted from various issues of "The Daily Mandate."_)
I.
_To the Editor of "The Daily Mandate."_
SIR,--For a number of years I have been experimenting in wireless telephony
with my installation on the heights of Lavender Hill. On several occasions
recently I have been puzzled by mysterious ringings of the bell attached to
the instrument, which have obviously been set up by long-distance waves. On
taking up the receiver, however, I have been unable to make out any
coherent message, but only a succession of irregular squeaks, although once
I distinctly, heard a word which I can only transcribe as "Gurroo." I have
no doubt in my own mind that one of the more advanced planets is trying to
get in touch with us by means of wireless telephony, and that once we have
deciphered the code we shall be able to converse freely with its
inhabitants. I myself incline to the belief that these rings emanate from
Saturn, which, in spite of its great distance from the earth, is just as
likely to wish to communicate with us as any other planet.
Yours faithfully,
DIOGENES DOTTLE, F.R.S.
II.
Mr. Dottle's remarkable letter, published in our issue of yesterday,
suggesting that inhabitants of Saturn have been endeavouring to communicate
with the earth by means of wireless telephony, has created profound
excitement in scientific and other circles. To a representative of _The
Daily Mandate_ a number of well-known men expressed their views on the
matter, which will undoubtedly stimulate further investigation into the
momentous possibilities of this epoch-making revelation. The opinions
advanced, which are, on the whole, highly favourable to Mr. Dottle's
theory, are as follows:--
_Sir Potiphar Shucks, the famous astronomer_: "The possibility that Saturn
is inhabited is one that, in the absence of incontrovertible evidence
either way, should not lightly be set aside. Assuming that it is inhabited,
that its people are skilled in the use of wireless telephony and that it is
possible to set up waves of sufficient intensity to travel all the way from
Saturn to us, I see no reason why communications of the nature suggested by
Mr. Dottle should not at some future date become an accomplished fact."
_Mr. Artesian Pitts, the well-known imaginative historian_: "I have long
held the belief that Saturn is inhabited by a type of being possessing a
cylinder-like body composed of an unresisting pulp, a high dome-shaped head
filled with gas, and long tentacles, bristling with electricity, through
which all sensations are emitted and received. These tentacles would act as
an ideal telephonic apparatus, so that there is every likelihood of Mr.
Dottle's having actually received a message from Saturn. I take 'Gurroo' to
be Saturnian for 'Hello.'"
_Signor Tromboni, the pioneer of wireless telephony_: "We are making
arrangements to test Mr. Dottle's interesting theory, and for this purpose
are erecting a special installation on the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro, which is
several thousand feet higher than Lavender Hill. At our own stations we
have frequently noticed mysterious ringings, which we have hitherto
ascribed to carelessness on the part of operators; but Mr. Dottle's letter
opens up a new world of possibilities. _The Daily Mandate_ is to be
congratulated on the prominence it has given to the subject, which has
already had the effect of sending Tromboni shares up several points."
_Mr. G. Shawburn_: "It is an insult to Creation to assume that ours is the
only populated planet. Of course Saturn is inhabited, but, unlike our own
world, by people of intelligence. In the matter of mental advancement
Saturn can make rings round the earth. All the same I don't for one moment
suppose that Mr. Dottle knows what he's talking about."
_The POSTMASTER-GENERAL_: "Nothing is known in the Department under my
control of telephone calls having been received from Saturn or the
neighbourhood. I do not propose for the present to take any steps in the
matter."
_The LORD MAYOR_: "Saturn is a long way off."
III.
(_Extract from leading article._)
"... Again we ask, 'What is the Government doing?' For several days now our
columns have been ringing with the world-wide acclamation of this
stupendous discovery, beside the potentialities of which the wildest
efforts of imaginative literature are reduced to pallid and uninspired
commonplaces. Even so cautious a scientist as Sir Potiphar Shucks has
declared that the idea of Saturn being inhabited is one that 'should not
lightly be set aside,' and has announced his conviction that under
favourable conditions communication with that planet should in the near
future become 'an accomplished fact.' Other eminent leaders of thought and
action, including Signor Tromboni, are even more enthusiastic in their
reception of the great theory first given to the world by Mr. Diogenes
Dottle in a letter to _The Daily Mandate_. But the POSTMASTER-GENERAL is
content to treat the question with the airy scepticism and obstructive
complacency that have rendered the London Telephone service a byword of
inefficiency, and refuses even to make a grant in aid of the work of
investigation.
"In these circumstances the proprietors of _The Daily Mandate_ have much
pleasure in announcing that they will pay the sum of ten thousand pounds to
the first man, woman or child in the British Empire who can produce
evidence of having received an intelligible telephonic message from Saturn,
and a further sum of one hundred thousand pounds to the first person to
send a message to that planet and receive a clear reply. The services of a
Board of distinguished experts are being engaged for the purpose of testing
and adjudicating all claims.
"_Meanwhile the POSTMASTER-GENERAL must go._"
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Indignant Egoist._ "BE CAREFUL UP THERE WHAT YOU'RE
DROPPING. THAT PRECIOUS NEARLY HIT ME!"]
* * * * *
"It may safely be said that there are more millionaires to the square
yard in Bradford than in any other city in the country, not even
excepting London or New York."--_Daily Paper._
The news that Britain has annexed the United States will comfort those who
thought it was the other way about.
* * * * *
"The incessant singing of a cricket in a London church compelled the
preacher to shorten his sermon."--_The Children's Newspaper._
We may now expect increased enthusiasm for the "Sunday Cricket" movement.
* * * * *
A VERMIN OFFENSIVE.
There was a faint scuffling sound behind the wainscot.
"There it is again," said Araminta.
"Not a doubt of it," I replied, turning pale.
Thrusting on my hat I rushed up the hill to the Town Hall and asked to see
the Clerk of the Borough Council immediately.
"I have reason to suspect," I said in a hoarse low whisper, as soon as I
was shown into the man's presence, "that our premises are in imminent
danger of being infested. Counsel me as to what I should do."
"It is your duty as a good citizen to take such steps as may from time to
time be necessary and reasonably practicable to destroy the vermin," he
said in a rather weary and mechanical tone.
"I hope I am not one to take my civic duties lightly," I replied with some
_hauteur_, "but observe that I merely said I had reason to suspect the
imminence of the peril. I should like to know the legal definition of
infestment, if you please. I cannot definitely say that house-breaking has
taken place as yet. I do not know that there has even been petty larceny.
There may have been merely loitering with felonious intent."
"What is the size of your premises?" he inquired.
"It is more a messuage than a premises," I explained. "About twelve feet by
ten, I should say--speaking without the lease."
"And how many vermin do you expect it to be about to harbour?"
"None have actually hove in sight at present," I said reassuringly, "but
there is a sound of one in the offing--in the wainscoting, I mean."
"In a residence of your size I should say that a single mouse would
constitute infestation within the meaning of the Act, so soon as it forces
an ingress. It will then be your bounden duty to demolish it. How about
purchasing a trap?"
"You are sure that is better than hiding behind the arras and hitting it
over the head with a pole-axe?" I inquired anxiously, "or proffering it a
bowl of poisoned wine?"
"Poison is no longer supplied free," he answered coldly, and I went out.
Very luckily, as I hastened up the hill, I had observed a building with the
words, "Job Masters. Traps for Hire," written upon a wooden board. I went
inside and found an elderly man sitting at a desk in a small office. He
looked extremely patient. "Are you Job?" I asked breathlessly. "I have come
to buy a mouse-trap."
Appearances, of course, are quite often deceptive. They were in this case.
The elderly man was very much annoyed. When he had explained matters
forcibly to me I went on down the hill and entered an ironmonger's.
"I wish to buy a trap to catch a mouse," I said to the assistant behind the
counter.
"Certainly, Sir. What size?" said the lad politely.
"Small to medium," I replied, rather baffled. "It has only a medium-sized
scratch."
He showed me a peculiar apparatus made of wire and wood containing
apparently a vestibule, two reception rooms, staircase and first-floor
lobby, with an open window and a diving-board. Underneath the window was a
small swimming tank.
"I don't want a hydropathic exactly," I explained. "I propose to
exterminate this rodent, not to foster longevity in it. How does it work?"
He pointed out that, after examining the various apartments, the animal
would be allured by the fragrance of a small portion of cheese placed above
the diving-board; overbalancing, it would then be projected into the water,
where it would infallibly drown. "It is a thoroughly humane instrument," he
assured me, "and used in the best 'omes."
I bought it and went on to a cheese foundry. Araminta was rather scornful
of the sanatorium when I came home with it and set it, loaded and trained,
on the dining-room floor; but the children were delighted. It ranked only a
little lower than the pantomime, and if only we could have secured an
outside visitor to it I believe that it would have defeated the Zoo. To
visit it with a sort of wistful hope became the principal treat of the day.
But, alas, the mansion remained untenanted. Sometimes during a lull in
conversation we would hear the faint scuffling again, but after about six
days I became convinced, by kneeling down and placing my ear to the carpet
like an Indian, that the noise was even fainter than it had been at first.
A terrible suspicion seized me. I dashed out and rang the bell of the flat
next door.
"It is just as I feared," I said to Araminta on returning a few moments
later. "We are not going to be infested after all. The vermin has been
sighted in No. 140B."
"We must make the best of it," she said, trying to speak cheerfully,
"though it _is_ hard on the children, poor dears."
"I wasn't thinking of the children," I replied bitterly; "I was thinking of
the expense. If we had been living in a house instead of a flat we could at
least have deducted it from the rates."
I sat down and made out a bill as follows to the Clerk of the Borough
Council, heading it:--
_On Account of Spurious Infestment._
s. d.
To one Mouse Institute and Aquarium 5 6
" Cheese 0 6
" Labour at 2/6 per hour 0 7-1/2
---------
Total 6 7-1/2
The man replied coldly that the householder was responsible for all
expenditure incurred in precautionary measures and that the Council was in
no way liable for the costs resulting from an offensive that failed to
materialize. He ended with the rather rude postscript, "What kind of cheese
did you use?"
This was a bit sickening. However, by threatening to lay information
against him, I have at last succeeded in inducing the occupier of 140B to
take over the abattoir at a very satisfactory valuation. It was between
that and buying his mouse.
EVOE.
* * * * *
TWO NIGHTMARES.
[_Dreamed after reading in a daily paper that "any style of dress that
lessens one's self-confidence should be tabooed" (sic)._]
I travelled from the Sussex hills
With confidence divine,
Full of the conscious power that thrills
My heart when life is mine,
And strode to Lady Fancy Frills
With whom I was to dine.
Her guests had come from Clubs and Courts
And Halls of wealthy Jews;
As they surveyed my running shorts
I felt my courage ooze,
While conscious power, grown out of sorts,
Leaked through my canvas shoes.
* * * * *
Then I re-travelled South by West
Inflated with a joy
Which in the suit I called my best
No buffet could destroy;
I may remark I'd come full-dressed
From lunch at the Savoy.
But when the hills began to shout
I coloured to the roots,
And when the valleys cried, "Get out!"
To the last word in suits,
My joy, displaced by sudden doubt,
Leaked through my spatted boots.
* * * * *
Of the mysterious Marconigrams:--
"They may be the effort of sentiment beings in some neighbouring planet
to communicate with us."--_Evening Paper._
Can we have broken in on a conversation between _Venus_ and _Mars_?
* * * * *