William Morris - The Tables Turned
W >>
William Morris >> The Tables Turned
THE TABLES TURNED;
or,
Nupkins Awakened
[Title page: title.jpg]
A Socialist Interlude
BY
WILLIAM MORRIS
AUTHOR OF 'THE EARTHLY PARADISE.'
_As for the first time played at the Hall of the Socialist League on
Saturday October 15, 1887_
LONDON:
OFFICE OF "THE COMMONWEAL"
13 FARRINGDON ROAD, E.C.
1887
_All Rights Reserved_.
ORIGINAL CAST.
_DRAMATIS PERSONAE--PART I_.
Mr. La-di-da (_found guilty of swindling_) . . . H. BARTLETT.
Mr. Justice Nupkins . . . W. BLUNDELL.
Mr. Hungary, Q.C. (_Counsel for the Prosecution_) . . . W. H. UTLEY.
Sergeant Sticktoit (_Witness for Prosecution_) . . . JAMES ALLMAN.
Constable Potlegoff (_Witness for Prosecution_) . . . H. B. TARLETON.
Constable Strongithoath (_Witness for Prosecution_) . . . J. FLOCKTON.
Mary Pinch (_a labourer's wife, accused of theft_) . . . MAY MORRIS.
Foreman of Jury . . . T. CANTWELL.
Jack Freeman (_a Socialist, accused of conspiracy, sedition, and
obstruction of the highway_) . . . H. H. SPARLING.
Archbishop of Canterbury (_Witness for Defence_) . . . W. MORRIS.
Lord Tennyson (_Witness for Defence_) . . . A. BROOKES.
Professor Tyndall (_Witness for Defence_) . . . H. BARTLETT.
William Joyce (_a Socialist Ensign_) . . . H. A. BARKER.
Usher . . . J. LANE.
Clerk of the Court . . . J. TURNER.
Jurymen, Interrupters, Revolutionists, etc., etc.
* * * * *
_DRAMATIS PERSONAE.--PART II_.
Citizen Nupkins (_late Justice_) . . . W. BLUNDELL,
Mary Pinch . . . MAY MORRIS.
William Joyce (_late Socialist Ensign_) . . . H. A. BARKER.
Jack Freeman . . . H. H. SPARLING.
1st Neighbour . . . H. B. TARLETON.
2nd Neighbour . . . J. LANE.
3rd Neighbour . . . H. GRAHAM.
Robert Pinch, and other Neighbours, Men and Women.
PART I.
SCENE.--_A Court of Justice_.
USHER, CLERK OF THE COURT, MR. HUNGARY, Q.C., _and others_. MR. LA-DI-
DA, _the prisoner, not in the dock, but seated in a chair before it_.
[_Enter_ MR. JUSTICE NUPKINS.
_Usher_. Silence!--silence!
_Mr. Justice Nupkins_. Prisoner at the bar, you have been found guilty
by a jury, after a very long and careful consideration of your remarkable
and strange case, of a very serious offence; an offence which squeamish
moralists are apt to call robbing the widow and orphan; a cant phrase
also, with which I hesitate to soil my lips, designates this offence as
swindling. You will permit me to remark that the very fact that such
nauseous and improper words can be used about the conduct of a
_gentleman_ shows how far you have been led astray from the path traced
out for the feet of a respectable member of society. Mr. La-di-da, if
you were less self-restrained, less respectful, less refined, less of a
gentleman, in short, I might point out to you with more or less severity
the disastrous consequences of your conduct; but I cannot doubt, from the
manner in which you have borne yourself during the whole of this trial,
that you are fully impressed with the seriousness of the occasion. I
shall say no more then, but perform the painful duty which devolves on me
of passing sentence on you. I am compelled in doing so to award you a
term of imprisonment; but I shall take care that you shall not be
degraded by contamination with thieves and rioters, and other coarse
persons, or share the diet and treatment which is no punishment to
persons used to hard living: that would be to inflict a punishment on you
not intended by the law, and would cast a stain on your character not
easily wiped away. I wish you to return to that society of which you
have up to this untoward event formed an ornament without any such stain.
You will, therefore, be imprisoned as a first-class misdemeanant for the
space of one calendar month; and I trust that during the retirement thus
enforced upon you, which to a person of your resources should not be very
irksome, you will reflect on the rashness, the incaution, the
impropriety, in one word, of your conduct, and that you will never be
discovered again appropriating to your personal use money which has been
entrusted to your care by your friends and relatives.
_Mr. La-di-da_. I thank you, my lord, for your kindness and
consideration. May I be allowed to ask you to add to your kindness by
permitting me to return to my home and make some necessary arrangements
before submitting myself to the well-merited chastisement which my
imprudence has brought upon me?
_Mr. J. N_. Certainly. I repeat I do not wish to make your sentence any
heavier by forcing a hard construction upon it. I give you a week to
make all arrangements necessary for your peace of mind and your bodily
comfort.
_Mr. L_. I thank your lordship. [_Exit_.
[_The case of_ MARY PINCH _called_.]
_Mr. Hungary, Q.C_. I am for the prosecution, my lord, instructed by the
Secretary of State for the Home Department. (JUDGE _bites his pen and
nods_.) My lord, and gentlemen of the Jury, although this case may seem
to some ill-judging persons a trivial one, I think you will be able to
see before it is over that it is really important in its bearing on the
welfare of society, the welfare of the public; that is, of the
respectable public,--of the respectable public, gentlemen. For in these
days, when the spirit of discontent is so widespread, all illegal actions
have, so to say, a political bearing, my lord, and all illegal actions
are wicked, gentlemen of the Jury, since they tend towards the insecurity
of society, or in other words, are definitely aimed at the very basis of
all morality and religion. Therefore, my lord, I have received
instructions from the Home Secretary to prosecute this woman, who, as I
shall be able to prove to you, gentlemen of the Jury, by the testimony of
three witnesses occupying responsible official positions, has been guilty
of a breach at once of the laws of the country and the dictates of
morality, and has thereby seriously inconvenienced a very respectable
tradesman, nay (_looking at his brief_) three respectable tradesmen. I
shall be able to show, gentlemen, that this woman has stolen three loaves
of bread: (_impressively_) not one, gentlemen, but three.
_A Voice_. She's got three children, you palavering blackguard!
[_Confusion_.
_Mr. Justice N_. (_who has made an elaborate show of composing himself to
slumber since the counsel began, here wakes up and cries out_) Arrest
that man, officer; I will commit him, and give him the heaviest
punishment that the law allows of.
[_The_ USHER _dives among the audience amidst great confusion, but comes
back empty-handed_.
_J. N_. A most dangerous disturbance! A most dangerous disturbance!
_Mr. H_. Gentlemen of the Jury, in confirmation of my remarks on the
spirit that is abroad, I call your attention to the riot which has just
taken place, endangering, I doubt not, the life of his lordship, and your
own lives, gentlemen, so valuable to--to--to--in short, to yourselves.
Need I point out to you at any length, then, the danger of allowing
criminals, offenders against the sacred rights of property, to go at
large? This incident speaks for me, and I have now nothing to do but let
the witnesses speak for themselves. Gentlemen of the Jury, I do not ask
you to convict on insufficient evidence; but I _do_ ask you not to be
swayed by any false sentiment bearing reference to the so-called
smallness of the offence, or the poverty of the offender. The law is
made for the poor as well as for the rich, for the rich as well as for
the poor. The poor man has no more right to shelter himself behind his
poverty, than the rich man behind his riches. In short, gentlemen of the
Jury, what I ask you in all confidence to do, is to do justice and fear
not.--I call Sergeant Sticktoit.
[SERGEANT STICKTOIT _sworn_.
_Mr. H_. Well, sergeant, you saw this woman steal the loaves?
_Sticktoit_. Yes, sir.
_Mr. H_. All of them?
_St_. Yes, all.
_Mr. H_. From different shops, or from one?
_St_. From three different shops.
_Mr. H_. Yes, just so. (_Aside_: Then why the devil did he say from one
shop when his evidence was taken before?) (_To_ ST.) You were an eye-
witness of that? You noticed her take all three loaves?
_St_. (_Aside_: He wants me to say from three different shops; I'm sure I
don't know why. Anyhow, I'll say it--and swear it.) (_To the Court_)
Yes, I was an eye-witness of the deed; (_pompously_) I followed her, and
then I took her.
_Mr. H_. Yes, then you took her. Please tell the Court how.
_St_. (_Aside_: Let's see, what did we agree was the likeliest way?) (_To
Court_) I saw her take the first loaf and hide it in her shawl; and then
the second one; and the second one tumbled down into the mud; and she
picked it up again and wiped it with her shawl; and then she took the
third; and when she tried to put that with the two others they all three
tumbled down; and as she stooped down to pick them up it seemed the best
time to take her, as the two constables had come up; so I took her.
_Mr. N_. Yes; you took her.
_St_. And she cried.
_Mr. H_. Ah, she cried. Well, sergeant, that will do; you may go.
(_Aside_: The sooner he goes the better. Wouldn't I like to have the
cross-examining of him if he was called on the other side!) Constable
Potlegoff.
[POTLEGOFF _sworn_.
_Mr. H_. Well, constable, did you see the woman take the loaves?
_Potlegoff_. Yes, sir.
_Mr. H_. How did she take them?
_Pot_. Off the counter, sir.
_Mr. H_. Did she go into the shop to take them?
_Pot_. Yes, sir. (_Aside_: I thought I was to say into three shops.)
_Mr. H_. One after another?
_Pot_. Yes, out of one shop one after another. (_Aside_: Now it's
right, I hope.)
_Mr. H_. (_Aside_: Confound him, he's contradicting the other!) (_To_
POT.) Yes, just so; one after the other. And did you see the second
loaf tumble down?
_Pot_. Yes, sir.
_Mr. H_. When was that?
_Pot_. As she took it off the counter.
_Mr. H_. Yes, _after_ she took it off the counter, in the street?
_Pot_. No, sir. (_Catching the_ SERGEANT'S _eye_.) I mean yes, sir,
and she wiped the mud off them; the sergeant saw her--and I saw her.
_A Voice_. Off IT, you liar! 'twas the second loaf, the single loaf, the
other liar said!
[_Confusion. The judge wakes up and splutters, and tries to say
something; the_ USHER _goes through the audience, but finds no one_;
HUNGARY _spreads out his hands to the Jury, appealingly_.
_Mr. H_. Yes, so it was in the street that you saw the loaves fall down?
_Pot_. Yes, sir; it was in the street that I saw it tumble down.
_A Voice_. You mean _them_, you fool! You haven't got the story right
yet!
[_Confusion again. The_ JUDGE _sits up and stares like a man awaked from
a nightmare, then calls out_ Officer! Officer! _very loud. The_ USHER
_goes his errand again, and comes back bootless_.
_Mr. H_. (_very blandly_). It was in the street that you saw the three
loaves fall down?
_Pot_. Yes, it was in the street that I saw the loaf fall down.
_Mr. H_. Yes, in the street; just so, in the street. You may go
(_Aside_: for a damned fool!). Constable Strongithoath.
[CONSTABLE STRONGITHOATH _sworn_,
_Mr. H_. Constable, did you see this robbery?
_Strong_. I saw it.
_Mr. H_. Tell us what you saw.
_Strong_, (_very slowly and stolidly, and as if repeating a lesson_). I
saw her steal them all--all--all from one shop--from three shops--I
followed her--I took her. When she took it up--she let it drop--in the
shop--and wiped the street mud off it. Then she dropped them all three
in the shop--and came out--and I took her--with the help--of the two
constables--and she cried.
_Mr. H_. You may go (_Aside_: for a new-caught joskin and a fool!). I
won't ask him any questions.
_J. N_. (_waking up, and languid_). Do you call any other witnesses, Mr.
Hungary?
_Mr. H_. No, my lord. (_Aside_: Not if I know it, considering the
quality of the evidence. Not that it much matters; the Judge is going to
get a conviction; the Jury will do as he tells them--always do.) (_To
the Court_): My lord and gentlemen of the Jury, that's my case.
_J. N_. Well, my good woman, what have you to say to this?
_Mary Pinch_. Say to it! What's the use of _saying_ anything to it? I'd
_do_ to it, if I could.
_J. N_. Woman! what do you mean? Violence will not do here. Have you
witnesses to call?
_M. P_. Witnesses! how can I call witnesses to swear that I didn't steal
the loaves?
_J. N_. Well, do you wish to question the witnesses? You have a right
to.
_M. P_. Much good that would be! Would you listen to me if I did? I
didn't steal the loaves; but I wanted them, I can tell you that. But
it's all one; you are going to have it so, and I might as well have
stolen a diamond necklace for all the justice I shall get here. What's
the odds? It's of a piece with the rest of my life for the last three
years. My husband was a handsome young countryman once, God help us! He
could live on ten shillings a-week before he married me; let alone that
he could pick up things here and there. Rabbits and hares some of them,
as why should he not? And I could earn a little too; it was not so bad
there. And then and for long the place was a pretty place, the little
grey cottage among the trees, if the cupboard hadn't been so bare; one
can't live on flowers and nightingale's songs. Then the children came
brisk, and the wages came slack; and the farmer got the new
reaping-machine, and my binding came to an end; and topping turnips for a
few days in the foggy November mornings don't bring you in much, even
when you havn't just had a baby. And the skim milk was long ago gone,
and the leasing, and the sack of tail-wheat, and the cheap cheeses almost
for nothing, and the hedge-clippings, and it was just the bare ten
shillings a-week. So at last, when we had heard enough of eighteen
shillings a-week up in London, and we scarce knew what London meant,
though we knew well enough what ten shillings a-week in the country
meant, we said we'd go to London and try it there; and it had been a good
harvest, quickly saved, which made it bad for us poor folk, as there was
the less for us to do; and winter was creeping in on us. So up to London
we came; for says Robert: "They'll let us starve here, for aught I can
see: they'll do naught for us; let us do something for ourselves." So up
we came; and when all's said, we had better have lain down and died in
the grey cottage clean and empty. I dream of it yet at whiles: clean,
but no longer empty; the crockery on the dresser, the flitch hanging from
the rafters, the pot on the fire, the smell of new bread about; and the
children fat and ruddy tumbling about in the sun; and my lad coming in at
the door stooping his head a little; for our door is low, and he was a
tall handsome chap in those days.--But what's the use of talking? I've
said enough: I didn't steal the loaves--and if I had a done, where was
the harm?
_J. N_. Enough, woman? Yes, and far more than enough. You are an
undefended prisoner. You have not the advantage of counsel, or I would
not have allowed you to go on so long. You would have done yourself more
good by trying to refute the very serious accusation brought against you,
than by rambling into a long statement of your wrongs against society. We
all have our troubles to bear, and you must bear your share of them
without offending against the laws of your country--the equal laws that
are made for rich and poor alike.
_A Voice_. _You_ can bear _her_ troubles well enough, can't you, old fat
guts?
_J. N_. (_scarcely articulate with rage_). Officer! officer! arrest that
man, or I will arrest you!
[USHER _again makes a vain attempt to get hold of some one_.
_J. N_. (_puffing and blowing with offended dignity_). Woman, woman,
have you anything more to say?
_M. P_. Not a word. Do what you will with me. I don't care.
_J. N_. (_impressively_). Gentlemen of Jury, simple as this case seems,
it is a most important one under the present condition of discontent
which afflicts this country, and of which we have had such grievous
manifestations in this Court to-day. This is not a common theft,
gentlemen--if indeed a theft has been committed--it is a revolutionary
theft, based on the claim on the part of those who happen unfortunately
to be starving, to help themselves at the expense of their more
fortunate, and probably--I may say certainly--more meritorious
countrymen. I do not indeed go so far as to say that this woman is in
collusion with those ferocious ruffians who have made these sacred
precincts of justice ring with their ribald and threatening scoff's. But
the persistence of these riotous interruptions, and the ease with which
their perpetrators have evaded arrest, have produced a strange impression
in my mind. (_Very impressively_.) However, gentlemen, that impression
I do not ask you to share; on the contrary, I warn you against it, just
as I warn you against being moved by the false sentiment uttered by this
woman, tinged as it was by the most revolutionary--nay, the most
bloodthirsty feeling. Dismiss all these non-essentials from your minds,
gentlemen, and consider the evidence only; and show this mistaken woman
the true majesty of English Law by acquitting her--if you are not
satisfied with the abundant, clear, and obviously unbiassed evidence, put
before you with that terseness and simplicity of diction which
distinguishes our noble civil force. The case is so free from intricacy,
gentlemen, that I need not call your attention to any of the details of
that evidence. You must either accept it as a whole and bring in a
verdict of guilty, or your verdict must be one which would be tantamount
to accusing the sergeant and constables of wilful and corrupt perjury;
and I may add, wanton perjury; as there could be no possible reason for
these officers departing from the strict line of truth. Gentlemen I
leave you to your deliberations.
_Foreman of Jury_. My lord, we have already made up our minds. Your
lordship need not leave the Court: we find the woman guilty.
_J. N_. (_gravely nodding his head_). It now remains for me to give
sentence. Prisoner at the bar, you have been convicted by a jury of your
countrymen--
_A Voice_. That's a lie! You convicted her: you were judge and jury
both.
_J. N_. (_in a fury_). Officer, you are a disgrace to your coat! Arrest
that man, I say. I would have had the Court cleared long ago, but that I
hoped that you would have arrested the ruffian if I gave him a chance of
repeating his--his crime.
[_The_ USHER _makes his usual promenade_.
_J. N_. You have been convicted by a jury of your countrymen of stealing
three loaves of bread; and I do not see how in the face of the evidence
they could have come to any other verdict. Convicted of such a serious
offence, this is not the time and place to reproach you with other
misconduct; and yet I could almost regret that it is not possible to put
you once more in the dock, and try you for conspiracy and incitement to
riot; as in my own mind I have no doubt that you are in collusion with
the ruffianly revolutionists, who, judging from their accent, are
foreigners of a low type, and who, while this case has been proceeding,
have been stimulating their bloodstained souls to further horrors by the
most indecent verbal violence. And I must here take the opportunity of
remarking that such occurrences could not now be occurring, but for the
ill-judged leniency of even a Tory Government in permitting that pest of
society the unrespectable foreigner to congregate in this metropolis.
_A Voice_. What do they do with you, you blooming old idiot, when you
goes abroad and waddles through the Loover?
_J. N_. Another of them! another of those scarcely articulate
foreigners! This is a most dangerous plot! Officer, arrest everybody
present except the officials. I will make an example of everybody: I
will commit them all.
_Mr. H_. (_leaning over to_ JUDGE). I don't see how it can be done, my
lord. Let it alone: there's a Socialist prisoner coming next; you can
make him pay for all.
_J. N_. Oh! there is, is there? All right--all right. I'll go and get
a bit of lunch (_offering to rise_).
_Clerk_. Beg pardon, my lord, but you haven't sentenced the prisoner.
_J. N_. Oh, ah! Yes. Oh, eighteen months' hard labour.
_M. P_. Six months for each loaf that I didn't steal! Well, God help
the poor in a free country! Won't you save all further trouble by
hanging me, my lord? Or if you won't hang me, at least hang my children:
they'll live to be a nuisance to you else.
_J. N_. Remove the woman. Call the next case. (_Aside_: And look
sharp: I want to get away.)
[_Case of_ JOHN _or_ JACK FREEMAN _called_.]
_Mr. H_. I am for the prosecution, my lord.
_J. N_. Is the prisoner defended?
_Jack Freeman_. Not I.
_J. N_. Hold your tongue, sir! I did not ask you. Now, brother
Hungary.
_Mr. H_. Once more, my lord and gentlemen of the Jury, I rise to address
you; and, gentlemen, I must congratulate you on having the honour of
assisting on two State trials on one day; for again I am instructed by
the Secretary of State for the Home Department to prosecute the prisoner.
He is charged with sedition and incitement to riot and murder, and also
with obstructing the Queen's Highway. I shall bring forward overwhelming
evidence to prove the latter offence--which is, indeed, the easiest of
all offences to be proved, since the wisdom of the law has ordained that
it can be committed without obstructing anything or anybody. As for the
other, and what we may excusably consider the more serious offence, the
evidence will, I feel sure, leave no doubt in your minds concerning the
guilt of the prisoner. I must now give you a few facts in explanation of
this case. You may not know, gentlemen of the Jury, that in the midst of
the profound peace which this glorious empire now enjoys; in spite of the
liberty which is the proud possession of every Briton, whatever his rank
or fortune; in spite of the eager competition and steadily and swiftly
rising wages for the services of the workmen of all grades, so that such
a thing as want of employment is unheard of amongst us; in spite of the
fact that the sick, the infirm, the old, the unfortunate, are well
clothed and generously fed and housed in noble buildings, miscalled, I am
free to confess, _work_houses, since the affectionate assiduity of our
noble Poor Law takes every care that if the inmates are of no use to
themselves they shall at least be of no use to any one else,--in spite of
all these and many kindred blessings of civilisation, there are, as you
may not know, a set of wicked persons in the country, mostly, it is true,
belonging to that class of non-respectable foreigners of whom my lord
spoke with such feeling, taste, and judgment, who are plotting, rather
with insolent effrontery than crawling secrecy, to overturn the sacred
edifice of property, the foundation of our hearths, our homes, and our
altars. Gentlemen of the Jury, it might be thought that such madmen
might well be left to themselves, that no one would listen to their
ravings, and that the glorious machinery of Justice need no more be used
against them than a crusader's glittering battle-axe need be brought
forward to exterminate the nocturnal pest of our couches. This indeed
has been, I must say unfortunately, the view taken by our rulers till
quite recently. But times have changed, gentlemen; for need I tell you,
who in your character of shrewd and successful men of business understand
human nature so well, that in this imperfect world we must not reckon on
the wisdom, the good sense of those around us. Therefore you will
scarcely be surprised to hear that these monstrous, wicked, and
disreputable doctrines are becoming popular; that murder and rapine are
eagerly looked forward to under such names as Socialism, revolution, co-
operation, profit-sharing, and the like; and that the leaders of the sect
are dangerous to the last degree. Such a leader you now see before you.
Now I must tell you that these Socialist or Co-operationist incendiaries
are banded together into three principal societies, and that the prisoner
at the bar belongs to one if not two of these, and is striving, hitherto
in vain, for admittance into the third and most dangerous. The
Federationist League and the International Federation, to one or both of
which this man belongs, are dangerous and malevolent associations; but
they do not apply so strict a test of membership as the third body, the
Fabian Democratic Parliamentary League, which exacts from every applicant
a proof of some special deed of ferocity before admission, the most
guilty of their champions veiling their crimes under the specious
pretexts of vegetarianism, the scientific investigation of supernatural
phenomena, vulgarly called ghost-catching, political economy, and other
occult and dull studies. But though not yet admitted a neophyte of this
body, the prisoner has taken one necessary step towards initiation, in
learning the special language spoken at all the meetings of these
incendiaries: for this body differs from the other two in using a sort of
cant language or thieves' Latin, so as to prevent their deliberations
from becoming known outside their unholy brotherhood. Examples of this
will be given you by the witnesses, which I will ask you to note
carefully as indications of the dangerous and widespread nature of the
conspiracy. I call Constable Potlegoff.